All characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer. Some canon quotes are used in this story, out of context. No disrespect or copyright infringement is intended.

A/N: Edward is a real vampire in this story, not some yurban mom's frou-frou namby-pamby sparkling wet-dream. Yes, yurban... as in yuppie urban. I can make up words if I want to. I'm from the snigglet generation. If you don't know who Rich Hall is, then stop reading and go play with your Nintendo DS. Real geeks have a GameBoy. And if you ask me what a yuppie is, I will find your parents and slap them.

The sun had just about set and Bella made her way into the basement. She waited for the last rays to dim and go out entirely before she opened the coffin. He was beautiful sleeping in satin. She nudged her vampire awake.

"Edward, we have to talk," she said after his eyes fluttered open.

He smiled languidly and stretched. "Mmm, breakfast in bed?" he said with a sigh, pulling her on top of him and kissing her.

She snuggled against him, grinding against his crotch. His arms tightened around her with a growl and he lowered his fangs to her neck.

"Wait," she said breathlessly.

"What? Why?" he pouted.

"I just came from the doctor's office. I have another blood infection from the last time," she said sadly, leaning her head to the side to show him the red and angry punctures on her neck.

"Oh, baby, I'm so sorry," he said, kissing her tenderly to show his sincerity.

"Edward," she began slowly, unable to meet his eyes. Her voice was strained with emotion. "Edward," she tried again, "I love you, but I have to leave you."

"WHAT?" he barked, flying from the coffin in a rage.

"The doctor said that I'm the reason for the super-strain of bacteria that will wipe out the human race, because I'm on antibiotics all the time!" she cried sadly. "If that happens, you won't be able to eat. So for the sake of humanity, and because I love you too much, I'm leaving."

"Where will you go??" he demanded to know.

"I'm moving in with Jake," she whispered.

"The Wolfman??" he balked. Bella only nodded. "No! No! I don't want you to leave, but you are not going to that mongrel!"

"I knew you'd feel that way about it, but I couldn't find the Invisible Man."

"What about the Mummy?" he asked, desperate to keep her away from the dog.

"I can't stay with him. He's all wrapped up in himself," she complained.

"Frankenstein?" he tried.

"Well," she hesitated. "I did ask him..."

"And?"

"He grunted at me, but I couldn't tell if that was a yes or a no."

"What about the Creature?" Edward asked.

"I'm sorry, Edward, but the Black Lagoon simply isn't far enough away from you. It would be too much of a temptation. For both of us," she added kindly.

"The Blob?" he tried again, desperate now.

"Seriously?" Bella asked, surprised at him. "Edward, please, at least give me legs and a face!"

"Yeah," he sighed heavily. "I suppose you're right."

"I mean, really," she continued. "Can you imagine our morning conversations as we leave for work? I'd be all, 'Okay, I'll see you later!' and it would be just making those noises like the cranberry jelly sliding out of a can." She shuddered at the thought.

Edward shivered, too.

"But, I love you," he said, his eyes dark with need for her.

Bella crossed the room to him and stroked his face. "And I love you," she said, kissing him lightly

Edward groaned in pain when she released his lips. "I just want to be a sparkly vampire made of stone so my heart can't break!"

Bella sighed and leaned into his arms. "If only wishing made it so."