Author's Note: Hello. This is my first fanfiction written as an adult, and my first Harry Potter fanfiction ever. I've read loads of them of course, and have finally fleshed out this light-hearted plot bunny which has been hopping around in my head for a while. I'd love to hear what you think of it. Thank you!

Disclaimer: I do not and never will own the Harry Potter series, nor do I make money from it.

Lucius Malfoy, stern, imposing, former Death Eater and member of Lord Voldemort's inner circle, rich, powerful, able to strike fear in the hearts of lesser wizards, was suffering from a headache. Trying to find peace and quiet at the breakfast table, he groaned to himself as a piercing cry suddenly split the air. He clung white-knuckled to his Daily Prophet and stared at the print unseeingly. "Please, dear Merlin, make that infernal racket stop!"

Narcissa arched one delicate eyebrow at him over her teacup.

"Lucius, darling. That 'racket' is your newborn grandson asking for his breakfast." A baby's desperate howl punctuated his wife's words.

The Malfoy patriarch pulled the newspaper down over his head, muttering. "Narcissa, my head is aching. I ask again, why do we have to listen to these… ululations... every morning?"

Narcissa rolled her eyes. "You already know the answer. Hermione wants to be able to hear baby Scorpius when she's not in the room with him, so she cast a charm on these conch shells to project sounds from his room to alert her when he wakes."

Her husband scowled. "She isn't in THIS room. Can't we turn the bloody thing off?" With a sudden mad gleam in his eye, he whipped out his wand and eyed the fussing seashell appraisingly. His wife snatched it up and hid it under the table's edge.

"No! Keep your wand in your trousers, Lucius, and be patient. Hermione will attend to Scorpius direct– ah, there, you hear? She's feeding him now." Indeed, the cries had stopped. Instead the grandparents could hear Hermione's soothing voice and Scorpius's gentle suckling sounds. They heard Draco's low baritone too, murmuring loving words to his wife and son. Narcissa beamed at her husband. He momentarily glared at her, then grunted and rattled his paper rather forcefully as he began to read again.

"We didn't have such things when Draco was an infant. I see no need for them now," he muttered to himself.

Narcissa couldn't hold back a feminine snort of disbelief. In his own way, Lucius had certainly been a loving father to Draco, but he had always managed to make himself scarce during the messier and noisier parts of Draco's infancy.

A short time later, they could hear the quiet sounds of a baby being changed and motherly cooing. At that moment Draco appeared at the breakfast table and greeted his parents pleasantly as he reached for toast and tea. "Hermione and Scorpius will be down in a few, he's just finished nursing," he said.

"Thank you so much for that update, Draco. We had no idea they were even awake, seeing how sound doesn't carry over that blasted snail shell well enough!" Lucius spat out, glowering at his son. He'd really meant not to say anything, but his head was hurting and he could take only so much new-age parenting drivel. His left eyelid twitched. Draco looked at his father in surprise for a moment, and then his trademark smirk settled onto his features.

"So, Father," he began. "What do you think of Hermione's Eavesdropping Charm? It is a spot of brilliance, if I do say so. It's wonderful to be able to do things about the house while Scorpius is sleeping. No need to hover within hearing distance during his nap-time. Very liberating!"

Lucius fixed his son with a piercing glare and said flatly, "There are certain things that should remain private, Draco. Tending to an infant is one of them." To Lucius's intense annoyance, Draco erupted with laughter. His son's mirth at his discomfort did nothing to assuage Lucius of his headache. Without another word, he folded his newspaper shut, laid it on the table, and made to depart the dining room.

His dramatic exit was thwarted by the timely appearance of Hermione and Scorpius. Lucius stopped and smiled broadly at his grandson, all discomfort temporarily forgotten. The newborn was a plump happy baby with blond curls and gray eyes. Without hesitation Lucius scooped Scorpius out of Hermione's arms and nuzzled the baby's cheek with his nose, spouting nonsensical baby-talk as he did so. Draco and his mother exchanged identical knowing grins. Six-week old Scorpius had his big tough grandfather wrapped right around his tiny baby pinkie.

Ignoring his gruff father's paradoxical display of affection, Draco rose and helped Hermione sit at her place at the table, pouring her tea and passing the plate of scones to her. "Thank you, Draco!" she said. She smiled at him happily.

Narcissa turned to her daughter-in-law. "Hermione, after you've eaten, I thought you and I might decide on what we should wear to tonight's Ministry Ball. This will be your first evening out since Scorpius's arrival! You must be looking forward to it."

"Yes I am, Narcissa! I have been itching to see everyone from work and to feel like an adult again. I love Scorpius to death but I have begun to feel like little more than a dairy cow most of the time, breastfeeding him and pumping extra milk for a back-up supply!" Hermione chuckled.

Draco and Narcissa joined her in her laughter but Lucius rolled his eyes and rather unceremoniously handed the baby over to his wife. "I've heard enough! I'll be in my blissfully quiet study ridding myself of this headache. Good morning to you all!" He stalked out.

Draco shook his head after his father's departing back. "I find it highly entertaining that Father can be so easily perturbed by something as natural as feeding a baby!" he grinned.

Scorpius gurgled his agreement while Narcissa cuddled him. "Now Draco, you know how private your father is. These baby listening devices you and Hermione have charmed have him on edge. He's never sure just what noises he may be subjected to when Scorpius gets fussy." Narcissa grinned wickedly. "It's good for him."

"He should be happy to learn that tomorrow he'll have a respite from the usual morning baby waking routine, then." said Hermione. "Since we all are going to the Ball, my parents will be babysitting Scorpius at their home overnight. We'll send extra milk with him. We will all have an uninterrupted night's sleep and can have a lie-in in the morning if we want." She laughed. "I hate to say it, but a selfish part of me is looking forward to that even more than the Ball tonight!" She smiled at Draco and dug into the rest of her breakfast.

Lucius sat at the breakfast table the next morning and sighed happily. He and Narcissa had had a lovely time at the Ministry Ball, drinking, dancing, and intimidating the other attendees. They'd slept well, and now he was looking forward to eating a pleasant meal with his wife while reading the Daily Prophet in blessed silence. He glanced at the conch shell baby monitor and heard not a peep. Ah, bliss, pure bliss.

Narcissa arrived shortly thereafter and kissed him on the forehead before taking her seat. She smiled and remarked, "It's so quiet this morning!" Lucius smirked. "Isn't it grand?" and handed his wife the society section of the paper.

Halfway through the business news, Lucius suddenly flipped down one corner of the paper and shot a glance at the seashell. "Did you hear anything, darling?" he asked with some trepidation.

"No, don't be silly, Lucius. There is nothing to hear. Scorpius is safely in the care of the Grangers, away from the Manor." Narcissa patted his hand. "Go back to your paper." Lucius slowly lifted the Prophet once again to his eyes.

A moment or two later he snapped the paper down again. "I tell you, I heard a noise coming from that infernal shell! A squeak or a whine ... or something!" He leaned closer to the shell, listening intently. Narcissa looked at him with a bemused expression but leaned over as well, humoring her husband.

Suddenly their eyes widened in surprise and they looked at each other in shock. There were sounds emanating from the shell, but it most definitely was not Scorpius making them. Kissing and sighing noises of an adult persuasion, at first faint but becoming more and more clear as the minutes passed, filled the dining room.

Lucius swallowed hard and glanced at Narcissa, whom he noticed was wide-eyed with … arousal? Her lips were slightly parted and her face was flushed with definite signs of excitement. She shifted her gaze from the shell to his face and locked eyes with him. There was a beat, then the two of them leered lewdly at each other and settled themselves more comfortably in their chairs, leaning forward on their elbows with the conch shell between them, listening intently. It was obvious to the former Slytherin couple that their extremely amorous son and daughter-in-law had completely forgotten about their very own Eavesdropping Charm.

"Mmmmmhmmm. Draco, that feels heavenly, please don't stop!" they heard Hermione moan over the sounds of slurping. Lucius raised an eyebrow in curiosity. Then Draco's voice said: "Oh, yum - mother's milk is delicious. No wonder Scorpius has been hogging it all for himself." There was an answering giggle. Lucius grinned lustily and glanced up through his eyelashes at Narcissa, who was blushing and smiling at the memories Draco's statement conjured up. The older couple clasped hands across the table and kept listening.

They heard Draco say, "Hermione, are you sure you want to do this? I don't want to hurt you."

Their daughter-in-law replied breathily. "Draco, yes! The medi-witches cleared me for all activity two days ago. Scorpius isn't here and we should take advantage of this time. I'd feel weird having sex with him in the room in his bassinet! Please, I need you, love!"

There then came the unmistakable rustling of fabric and some faint giggles, accompanied by moans, sighs and gasps. Then there came the clear sound of a woman groaning in pleasure. Narcissa clenched her own thighs together in empathic response and gripped Lucius's hand tightly.

"Yessss, oh, Draco, you feel so good inside me, I've wanted you for so long..."

"Hermione, love, you're beautiful, I've missed this with you..." Then followed the rhythmic creaking of bed springs and the steady wooden clunk of what must be a bed's headboard hitting the wall. All the while, there were gasped endearments and sloppy, wet noises. Lucius reached down and adjusted his trousers, which seemed to have grown rather tight, and Narcissa shifted back and forth in her chair.

The noises coming from the seashell quickly increased in their volume and intensity. Within just a few minutes and with one last bang, the rhythmic noises ceased and were replaced by dual cries of ecstasy from Draco and Hermione. They murmured endearments to each other in obvious post-coital happiness. Lucius met his wife's eyes with a heated gaze and squeezed her hand briefly before releasing it. Narcissa in turn winked at him. It seemed the young parents had successfully taken advantage of their chance to "lie-in".

A short while later, Lucius and Narcissa were demurely sipping their tea when Draco and Hermione appeared in the dining room, clothed modestly enough in pyjamas and dressing gowns though looking rather disheveled. They murmured their good mornings to the older couple and served themselves tea. House elves appeared with plates of eggs, sausage, and toast. Draco had just taken a bite of sausage when Lucius cleared his throat and spoke.

"Draco and Hermione, Narcissa and I have just been talking. You've created a useful spell here, but we think the charm on these conch shells would be improved if you could install a volume control feature." He tapped the seashell sitting on the dining table as he spoke. At his words, Draco's eyes widened as his face drained of color. "We certainly wouldn't want to miss a cry of distress, now, would we?" Lucius then grinned evilly at his daughter-in-law, who sat frozen with a piece of toast halfway to her mouth, staring in dawning realization at the shell. "And Hermione, we were both very happy to hear you have fully recovered from the trauma of childbirth. Well done, both of you." He extended his hand to his wife. "Narcissa, my love, would you care to accompany me to our room? I find I have developed yet another slight headache, but I know you can assist me in alleviating it." Narcissa giggled, slipped her hand into his, and the two of them swept out of the room, leaving the younger man and woman alone with their embarrassment.

"Well, bugger me sideways." said Draco.

Hermione flushed scarlet. "I'd be happy to, love, but only if we dispel the Eavesdropping Charm first!"