Harry Potter and the Order of the Chronic

Dudley's Day

I don't own any of the characters, all JKR, no profit to be made.

Sequel to Harry Potter and the Blazin Goblet

--

It was a quiet and normal evening on Privet Drive in Little Whinging, Surrey. It was dull and plain, nothing to raise any suspicion as Vernon and Petunia Dursley backed out of their drive way. However, if the elder Dursley's had been paying attention they would have noticed the small bend in blinds of their own house, as if making sure of their departure.

--

Dudley Dursley let out a long-winded breath of air as his parents disappeared from view. He turned, letting the blinds snap shut, to face Harry who was lying on the couch flicking his cheek to make an annoying popping sound.

"They're gone." Dudley said with a grin as he wiped away some sweat from his brow.

"You're way to tense Dudders, Dud, Big D, whatever the hell you call yourself these days." Harry said rising from the couch and giving a stretch.

"Hey they wanted me to go to that boring award ceremony." Dudley said waving his arms in the direction of the window.

"What the hell were they being awarded any way?" Harry muttered.

"I think it was best kept lawn or something…" Dudley replied as his response turned into blur of soft muttering.

Harry gave a shrug seemingly not caring, but then froze. "Wait a minute… I take care of the lawn! What the fuck? Taking credit for my work."

Harry sighed as he gazed at Dudley who gave a shrug in response. Harry thought on it a moment, but realized that he only cut the grass. The rest of the lawn was being taken care of in the dead of night by Dobby, the rather insane house elf that worshipped the ground Harry walked on. After thoroughly deciding to steal the award to give to the elf Harry spoke.

"Fuck it. So how did you convince your parents to let you stay here then? You know they don't like letting their little Dudders hang out with the creepy and unnatural Harry."

"Well I told them you had been experimenting with fire recently and didn't know if it would be safe to leave you on your own." Dudley replied with grin.

Harry glared at Dudley for a few moments pondering the words before finally shrugging. "I should probably be mad, but… fuck it."

"Sooo…" Dudley let said elongating the phrase, while trying to sound casual. "You invite Karen over to smoke with us?"

"Of course." Harry replied giving a nod of his head.

"So do you think I can have a shot at her?" Dudley said still trying to sound casual.

Harry rolled his eyes.

"Dudley I never said you couldn't try and get together with Karen."

"That isn't fair Potter! You have a girlfriend and Karen follows you around like a lap dog. I don't see why you just can't tell her you aren't interested so I have a shot." Dudley said his eyes slowly narrowing into slits of anger.

Harry sighed. "Dudley, Dud, we've been over this. I got to have a few girls on the backburner. Suppose something happened with my baby, then what? I'd have no girls fawning after me. And that… that would be far to tragic."

"Please, you said you were famous in that freak world. So girls probably throw themselves at you anyway." Dudley said scoffing at Harry.

Harry didn't reply for a bit, apparently lost in thought.

"Ok what you say might have some truth Dud, but… I'm still not going to help you." Harry finished with a rather evil grin.

"Fucking arse." Dudley replied with a shake of his head, just as a soft knock was heard at the door.

Harry slowly made his way to the door, stopping only to take a look out one of the windows nearby to ensure whom it was. Harry gave a snort as Dudley quickly attempted to make himself look more presentable.

A quick flip of the lock and Harry had the door open.

"Welcome Karen to my humble abode." Harry said dipping down to a knee in an over exaggerated bow.

"Stop clowning Harry." Karen giggled as she gave Harry a quick hug and a peck on the cheek.

"Hey Dudley." Karen said in a friendly tone as Harry shut the door.

"Karen." Dudley in an over the top mystique manner as he leaned up against a sofa with his arms crossed. When Harry turned to the scene he had to fake a cough to stifle his laughter at Dudley's ploy. Harry couldn't help, but feel that his Aunt's flower patterned couch didn't help Dudley's chances.

Once Harry regained his composure he gestured to the stairs.

"Shall we?"

--

Harry's room was a haze, filled with smoke from the gooey green ganja that the three youths were smoking. A slight breeze from the window occasionally made the haze dance about the room majestically.

Music was playing softly in the background as Harry was telling a tale of tragic woe.

"And that my friends. Is why legalizing weed would single handedly bring us out of recession… not to mention it would be fucking epic."

Dudley gave a snort, while Karen giggled moving closer to Harry's side as she passed the joint they were smoking to Dudley.

"You are so smart Harry" Karen cooed running her hand over Harry's shoulder.

"I know I am babe." Harry replied with a grin before taking the joint from Dudley to take a long deep hit, unaware that Dudley's bloodshot eyes were squinting in disgust at Karen's closeness to Harry.

"You know I'm Junior Heavyweight Inter-School Boxing Champion of the Southeast!" Dudley exclaimed suddenly in a last ditch effort to get more attention.

The room seemed to grow quiet for a few moments as Harry and Karen just stared at Dudley.

"Ok, thanks for sharing that Dudley… as if your dad hasn't been telling me that all summer." Harry finally said in a rather sarcastic, yet mocking tone.

"Boxing Champion?" Karen said her eyebrows raised as a smirk came across her face. "Is that why you beat up Mark Evans? Honing your skills, were you?"

"What? No, I mean yes, I mean… um…" Dudley began to sputter.

"Dude, you beat up Mark Evans? He is like ten." Harry said with a shake of his head.

"You weren't there! He cheeked me!" Dudley shouted. Karen started to giggle as Harry went on the attack.

"He cheeked you… so you beat the tar of him? Christ Duds the kid was ten. I'm sure you could probably have looked at him funny and he would have ran." Harry said mocking Dudley and dragging him through the coals.

Dudley glared in response.

"Yeah, that look right there would do." Harry commented as Karen broke out in fits.

--

Harry continued to take jabs at Dudley, while Karen rolled about laughing until a soft thud caught her attention.

"Did you hear that?" She whispered. "Are your parents home?"

Dudley and Harry both looked at her with confused expression.

"I didn't hear anything, but if there was a noise it was probably just Hedwig flying into the window. Told her to leave before we started to smoke. Don't worry she hits the window all the time, she'll be fine." Harry offered up as an explanation to the noise he hadn't even heard.

"No! I'm sure it was from inside." Karen retorted and a few seconds later the sound of glass breaking could be heard coming from downstairs.

All three froze for a moment and then as quick as a flash Harry turned the soft playing music off and hit the lights.

"No way can that be your parents Dud. Way to early." Harry whispered.

"Then who?" Karen asked her voice filled with an edge of panic.

"Police?" Dudley whispered his eyes filled with dread.

"Don't be stupid the bobbies wouldn't be breaking in. I'm thinking burglars." Harry whispered.

The reaction was immediate Karen began whispering erratically "what are we going to do?" and Dudley's eye grew wide and darted from the door to Harry as if trying to come up with a plan. Harry remained calm and collective.

"Calm down babe, I've got a plan." Harry said in a soothing manner. Karen stopped her jittering and stared at Harry waiting and Dudley did the same.

"Dudley…" Harry said quietly.

"Go down there and take care of them."

The room was quiet and the only sound that could be heard were muffled voices from the intruders below.

"Me? Why me?" Dudley replied finally breaking the silence.

Harry rolled his eyes "You're the Inter-School Boxing Champion."

Karen looked on in disbelief thinking Dudley couldn't be that stupid, but as Dudley's eyes darted to her he seemed to puff up his chest, nod, and slowly make his way to the door.

Before Karen knew it Harry was by her side.

"Ok babe, while Dudley gets the piss taken out of him, we escape through the window." Harry whispered jabbing his thumb in the direction of the window.

Karen looked at Harry with a shocked expression, but before she could respond Dudley had opened the door to Harry's room and let out a shriek causing both her and Harry to look on.

--

A dark figure cloaked in black loomed in the doorway menacingly as Dudley had let out a shriek. Harry and Karen looked on and saw Dudley lean back and with all his might take a furious swing at the figure.

The figure let out a groan and tumbled from view letting out moans as Harry heard him tumble down the steps to the landing in between the top floor and ground floor.

Karen and Harry both looked on in awe as Dudley turned just as shocked holding his fist up ecstatically. Harry left Karen's side and made his way to the door out into the hallway, while Dudley followed.

Harry peeked down at the figure and his face contorted with shock and confusion. Dudley stood at his side swelling with pride.

"Holy shit Dudley you killed Crouch, but… Crouch is dead…" Harry muttered completely perplexed.

Dudley didn't get a chance to answer as a new figure arrived up on the landing. She was rather attractive, Harry noted. Heart-shaped face, twinkling eyes, body that wouldn't quit, the only flaw Harry could see was her rather short ugly dyed hair.

The woman silently looked down at the crumpled figure then up to Harry and Dudley. She did this a few times before holding out her arms out in exclamation.

"What'd you do?"

"Filthy burglars." Dudley replied menacingly.

"What the hell is Crouch doing here?" Harry asked the woman.

A familiar voice from below answer as it approached the landing.

"That isn't Crouch Harry, that is actually the real Alastor Moody."

Harry paused for a moment.

"Remus?"

--

End Chapter

Welcome back fellow readers. First off the title, as of now is this, but I have been thinking of changing it to HP and order of the Chronic. If you wish drop a pm or review with your preference.

Second topic. I noticed a lot of people complaining about the I-pod and dates. This story is meant to be an over the top laugh. It is not meant in anyway to be serious. Hence, timelines and dates are not going to be bothered with.

And last since I know the grammar from the last one was pretty bad I'm thinking about taking on a beta. The beta would pretty much just be grammar and maybe introducing us to some Euro style slang (that is what I'm looking for at least). The only problem is updating will be much slower (at least from my experience). So I ask once again if you have a preference leave it in a pm or review.

So much for the intro to the next story.