The Normandy had spent a week meandering about, since there was no need to go to the Citadel until Shepard felt ready to get on with her work.

Garrus tried his hand at probing planets for resources, but quickly tired of the task. Kelly remarked that she'd never heard him curse so much. It was she that had suggested to Shepard that they dock somewhere so that the crew could unwind and get off-ship for a while. Everyone needed to de-stress.

So, they stopped for several days at Arcturus Station. Tali was excited at the chance to purchase some new schematics to upgrade to the multicore shielding. Joker's mother still lived there, and he spent a couple days off-ship staying with her. He actually seemed much more pleasant than usual once he returned to the ship. Most of the crew at least ventured out once, even if just for a change of pace. Jacob spent the most time there, meeting for drinks with old Alliance friends. Unsurprisingly, Grunt and Zaeed got themselves kicked off the station on the first day there; they'd gotten in a fight with some locals after only an hour-long visit.

Shepard didn't feel like leaving the ship, though. Especially after Admiral Hackett tried to contact her, asking her to come and meet with him in person. She told Joker to tell him she was still too ill to respond. Definitely a lie, but ... a relatively harmless one. She relaxed in her cabin for a couple days, but quickly tired of lazing around. After that, she was up and about, spending most of her time in the CIC and the Mess; mostly she just wanted her crew to know she was back up to snuff.

Soon, Shepard was ready to move on, and the Normandy set a course for the Citadel. She had arranged to meet with the Council and Anderson, among other things, and didn't want to put it off much longer. Life moved on. She was actually hopeful about her meeting with the Council - they were happy to hear that she'd severed ties with Cerberus, and finally seemed willing to talk. As usual, she knew it was yet to be determined if they were willing to listen. But, it was a start. Her abdominal muscles felt tight and achy when she strained them, but otherwise, she was good. The scars would heal with regular dermal treatments, Chakwas had promised. Shepard wasn't too concerned. These were not her first.

It was already late in the day when the Normandy entered the Serpent Nebula and approached the Citadel. Standing in the CIC, Shepard studied her console, looking over Citadel docking announcements as they neared the station. "Hey, Kelly," she interrupted the silence. "Did you notice that there's a showing of that elcor performance of Hamlet later tonight?" She chuckled.

The redhead perked up. "Really!? I saw the advertisements when they were performing on Illium. I think it would be amazing to see."

Shepard studied her, looking for a sign that the woman was joking. Kelly just smiled. Shepard laughed, "Kelly, you are too much."

"No really! I find their race so interesting. Such a contrast from us - we can learn a lot about ourselves by interacting with such a different species." She was actually serious. "You want to come?"

Joker interrupted over the comm: "Commander, we've completed docking procedures - Zakera level 27, like you requested."

"Thanks, Joker," she replied. Turning to Kelly, she shook her head, "I think I'll pass. I have a feeling I'd spend most of it laughing my ass off - my wounds are not healed enough for that much hilarity."

The elevator opened behind her, and Garrus strode out. "You want to head onto the station for a bit with me, Shepard? I want to stop into Rodam Expeditions; he's been holding that new rifle I ordered. I can't wait to get my hands on it."

"Sure," she replied, "Thane will probably want to come, too. I'm sure he'd like to stop in and see Kolyat."

Kelly, sounding like a doting mother, added, "Don't stay out late. Remember the Doctor said to take it easy, and you have a meeting with the Council in the morning!"

Garrus laughed heartily; Shepard rolled her eyes.

Zakera Ward was dingy and dark, quite the contrast from the Presidium. Shepard had originally disliked the area, but it had grown on her. The Presidium might be beautiful, but Zakera had a raw character all its own. There was always something interesting happening, at the very least.

She stopped briefly at C-Sec to see Captain Bailey at his desk on her way in. They had kept up correspondence since the mess with Kolyat. She liked his honesty, and he had an odd sense of humor to boot. They might not see eye-to-eye on everything, but there was definitely a sense of mutual respect between the two. Kolyat was there, and asked to take a break from work to talk with Thane at his desk.

Shepard and Garrus headed to Rodam to pick up Garrus' purchase on their own, promising to return shortly. She walked up the stairs with the turian, enjoying the change of pace from being on the Normandy. As they passed through the doorway, an announcement exclaimed 'I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favorite store on the Citadel!' She cringed. Anonymity was pretty hard to come by on the Citadel, but her little endorsement deals certainly hadn't helped.

Etarn Tiron exclaimed, "Ah the famous Commander Shepard! Good to see you again!" It was painfully obvious that he had said it this loudly merely to ensure that the other shoppers in the store had noticed. Perhaps even those standing outside in the walkway.

She smiled broadly in response. Leaning toward Garrus, she whispered out the corner of her mouth, "The discount had damn well be worth all this crap."

Garrus wrapped his arm around her shoulder, giving her a playful shake. "Of course it is, Shepard," he said gleefully. Half price on the newest model of sniper rifle, of course, was not what he was referring to. Seeing her squirm was absolutely hilarious. He would have gladly paid full price on his gun just to have a holo of the look on her face at that moment.

Some of the other customers were whispering and gesturing toward her excitedly. "Uggh," She moaned. "Please don't make me stay in here, Garrus. I'm gonna head back down and wait outside C-Sec."

Garrus shrugged and quickly started palling around with the Etarn, sharing stories of kills as they excitedly examined the state-of-the-art rifle. Shepard quickly exited, and headed back downstairs, wanting to disappear in the crowd and give herself time to relax. Something she actually had in common with the bubbly yeoman was a great appreciation for people-watching. Once she had returned to level 27, she leaned against the railing near rapid transport and attempted to sink into the crowd.

As she watched, people came and went - mostly aliens, with an occasional human interspersed. She briefly wondered how blissful ignorance would feel - being unaware of the impending Reaper threat. She shrugged off the thought. She much preferred her life as it was, no matter what a burden the truth could sometimes be.

Shepard noticed Kelly heading out of the docking area. She laughed inwardly - Kelly was actually going to go see that elcor performance! Then something surprising caught her eye - someone was with her. His gait gave him away instantly. Joker?? Joker was going to see an elcor play with Kelly? The most gregarious person in the whole galaxy out on the town with the most infamous loner. What was the universe coming to? Now she laughed aloud. Maybe they'd be good for each other. Oh, he was never going to live this one down. Immediately, she began formulating delicious quips for the next time she saw him.

After being gone for ten minutes or so, Garrus strode up beaming and holding his new rifle. "You would not believe the specs this baby's got. Shepard, you've got to try it. You know, come to think of it, we really should put in a firing range on the Normandy." He was rambling, giddy with excitement.

She laughed. "Garrus, you know I'm terrible with sniper rifles!"

"This one is perfect," he mused, fiddling with its scope. "Even you would never miss a shot. You know, there's at least a few criminals out and about at all times on Zakera. Find one, and I'll let you take the first shot..." he tilted his head hopefully.

She shook her head and grinned, "Its tempting, Garrus, but I don't think I need that much excitement tonight. Maybe tomorrow."

"I should go show it to Jacob before he heads in for the night. He loves this sort of thing." He paused, "You'll be alright waiting for Thane by yourself?"

"Of course," she waved him off. She was actually enjoying the solitude. Besides, he was behaving far too adorably to say no. He practically skipped off toward the docking bay. She turned back to watch the crowds.

Nearby, two salarians were arguing over the terms of a breeding contract. The greener-tinged one angrily called the other a cloaca, to which she lightly snorted a laugh. The other, a more brownish one, was gesturing so wildly that he lost his balance, tripping on his own feet, and fell backwards into a passing hanar. The jelly lit up pink in surprise and involuntarily stung him, sending the salarian scrambling away on all fours screaming curses.

"This one offers its deepest regrets for unintentionally causing you pain," the hanar apologized melodiously, holding up a tentacle in what must have been a conciliatory gesture. This was followed by more curses from the salarian, whose counterpart was holding him back to prevent him from trying to strangle the jelly. Shepard wondered if that was even possible. She had to rip her gaze away from this group, before she started laughing too loudly and caused an incident herself.

For a couple minutes, she turned her focus to a pair of turians who were discussing the latest election across the walkway from her. Aside from a few racist comments, they were far less interesting. She turned back to the other group, hoping for more excitement. The hanar was floating quickly away and pulsing purple with embarrassment, obviously trying to escape the situation. It bumped into a group of humans coming up the stairs from level 26. No stinging, this time, she noted with disappointment. Then her slight smile disappeared. One of the humans was Kaidan.

"Oh boy," she muttered to herself, and turned to face the windows. She hoped that he just wouldn't notice her.

Garrus had told her how Kaidan had come with them aboard the Normandy. Strangely, she couldn't even recall him being there. Her memories were too affected by all the drugs the doctors had given her. The turian had also gone off on how it was Kaidan's fault that she was shot, since he had prevented Thane from covering her. She had quickly dismissed this, reminding him that Kaidan didn't know her new crew. Thane could have easily looked like the enemy. It was an honest mistake. She was fine anyways, so she assured Garrus that it wasn't anything that needed to be worried over anymore.

She thought back to her last meeting with Kaidan on Horizon. He had been so bitter, so different from his old self. She had hardly known what to say to him; he had hardly given her a chance to respond, anyway. Then, he emailed her hinting at rekindling their relationship, which she knew she just couldn't do. Not after his words on Horizon.

Idiot, she thought. If he couldn't trust her judgment, her morals - then how could he really have ever loved her? Now that she was with Thane, she felt sure that whatever she had had with Kaidan - it wasn't love. She realized she was aiming the insult at herself just as much, though. She wished she could go back and tell herself to quit being so irresponsible. However brief their little fling had been, it was foolish on so many levels. What started as playful flirtation had quickly been pressured by their mission into what perhaps they'd thought was a romance at the time. The fact that she'd practically had to order him to join her in bed that night probably should have been an indicator to her that the relationship wasn't meant to be. Of course, she knew there was nothing she could do to change it now.

Thane, of course, had asked about Kaidan. He had easily observed the tension between Garrus and the human, and noted the way the soldier had looked at her. She didn't really know what to tell him. She admitted that she didn't particularly know how to label it, herself. Eventually, she described how they'd been briefly romantically involved during the mission against Sovereign. She also allowed that, looking back, she regretted making this choice. Thane had accepted this explanation without further queries, undoubtedly knowing it was not an issue she wanted to discuss further. She could tell that it did not bother him. The fact that they both considered themselves 'dead' for some time - either in reality or metaphysically - had made them very similar in their approaches to life. They both lived for the present and hoped for the future - neither wallowed in the past.

She peeked over her shoulder, only to find that Kaidan had noticed her and was only a short distance away. He dismissed the officers following him. They walked off, standing at the far side of the walkway, talking. As he approached, she turned back to the window, unwilling to face him. He stepped up behind her and spoke, "Shepard? How are you?"

She turned around, an exasperated look on her face. "Fine - all better." Her tone was dull, uninterested. She glanced over toward C-Sec, half hoping Thane would walk out and she could excuse herself to go back to the Normandy.

His brows scrunched together, "Damn. Don't even pretend like you're happy to see me."

"Kaidan, I don't know-- I guess I'm just not. I'm kind of tired of being treated like some kind of traitor. I'm not going to stand by and listen to it anymore. I've got enough on my plate. If the Alliance doesn't trust me - if you don't - then so be it. I'm okay with that."

He scoffed, "How can you say you'd throw away your duty to the Alliance? You say it like it doesn't even matter."

She shrugged, "I still stand by my choices. It was the right thing to do."

He shook his head, bitterly, "Are you even the same person? You're carrying around a shipload of convicts and psychopaths. It certainly didn't take long for me to see that for myself. Are you sure you didn't throw away your morals, too? Did Cerberus change you so much?"

She put her hands on her hips. Her face reddened slightly, indignant, ""You don't know what I've been through, Kaidan. You have no right to judge me. Or my actions. Or my crew, for that matter. They put their lives on the line to save humanity. I trust every one of them with my life. And for the last time, I am not 'with' Cerberus. I didn't throw anything away - I did what I had to do."

"No. You did throw something away. You threw away what we had."

"What?" she snorted, this time really annoyed. "What are you even talking about? We were stupid; it was against regs. We were just two people thrown together by happenstance, who thought they were going to die in a few hours. We fucked - once! We didn't get married. Besides, I was dead for two years. Shouldn't you have moved on already? It was a mistake!"

"It meant something to me, you heartless bitch!" He yelled, and hit her shoulders with his hands, smashing her backward into a wall. She shook her head, stunned momentarily. Her stomach throbbed with pain, giving her a sharp reminder of her nearly-fatal injury only a week prior. She grasped her abdomen, gasping.

When she turned her face back to meet Kaidan's eyes, she saw his face was pale and shocked. His emotional state had obviously made him temporarily lose control of his biotics; his hands still glowing blue with energy.

"Get a hold of yourself!" she groaned. "What do you want from me, anyway?" He stepped forward, shakily trying to help her up, but she shrugged his hand off.

"Shepard - God, I'm so sorry." She just stared at him, unbelieving.

He continued, "Its just-- I wanted you back so badly. I wanted what we had, before. Everything - the crew, the ship, our lives. I lost it all on that day you died. And then when I saw you with that other man, I felt like I'd lost it all over again."

It was then that she knew she had deserved to be thrown against the wall. She had lost control of her emotions, too. She shouldn't have said those things. He was still a person - and obviously one with very confused feelings. She realized with shame that she was being just as quick-to-judge as he had been on Horizon. "I'm sorry-- for what I said. That was inappropriate, hateful." She reached out and put her hand on his shoulder. She wasn't sure how to say this to him. "But Kaidan, you have to see that things will never be what they were. Everything's changed; you and I - we've changed, too."

"I know," he admitted. "Sometimes I think I died, too, when the Normandy went down."

"The Normandy-- she was just a thing. Losing the ship doesn't mean its all over for those that survived... we move on, we adapt. We have to."

"I just can't-- its hard to find the will to try anymore. The Council just decided it was inconvenient, and just like that, it was forgotten to everyone in the galaxy. My own personal sacrifices, Ashley's death, your death... it was like everything we did was for nothing. I just thought - if I could get you back, maybe that would fix things." He looked at her, hopefully.

Did he really think that having her back would somehow negate all the terrible things that had happened? Perhaps it seemed rational in his tortured mind, but she was no solution for him, for these torments that he couldn't move past or escape. She realized that it was all within him, something he couldn't let go of, even if it was already long gone. She had just been the one thing that had somehow come back into his life, and he had fixated on her. She continued gently, "I'm not what you need, Kaidan. I'm no longer that person you think you loved. Even if I were still her, I can't bring back all the things we lost, or force the universe to be different."

He looked down. "God. Everything in me, its so conflicted. My life-- its so devoid of a purpose. We had that back then. Just another thing I've lost."

"We still have a purpose," she said, fumbling with words, uncertain of how to talk to this man. He was once a close friend... now he was like a stranger. "You can still join us, my team. The fight isn't over yet. I could use your help."

He shook his head. "No, I can't. Maybe you're right - maybe I do need to let go, find new purpose. But if that's true, then I have to--" his voice cracked, his face sadder than she'd ever seen it. "I have to move on with my life, however I can. If I can. Looking at your face, though I know you don't intend it-- it brings me too much pain. I can't have you there, as a constant reminder of everything I've lost. The Alliance is the only thing that is certain in my life anymore. I need that stability. The Alliance is where I belong."

He leaned in, kissing her on the cheek tenderly. He whispering to her softly, "Goodbye, Shepard. And... good luck." With that, he turned, and walked away.

She stood, silent, looking at the broken man walking away from her. Doubt crept back into her mind again. Had she ruined him? Her gut wrenched, she felt as if her feet were nailed to the walkway. Her heart screamed for her to run after him, to fix him. But she couldn't. Tears welled in her eyes.

No. It wasn't her. Perhaps their short fling had hurt him, but it wasn't what had broken him. She knew this; she had to accept it.

It was everything, this harrowing and arduous journey that they had all been through - and were still going through. The harsh realities and responsibilities the galaxy had shoved upon them, without invitation, warning, or apology. She had briefly felt destroyed by it all on several occasions - when she had lost Ashley, when she had been brought back to life at the hands of Cerberus, even when she had been yelled at by him on Horizon. In the end, though, this was what hardened her. It made her the woman she was. These were obstacles - albeit, enormous and intensely painful ones. Yet, they were things that made her stronger. As much as she hated them, she needed them... to make her strong enough to face the immense challenges that lay ahead. It pained her to see that these obstacles had broken him so.

She closed her eyes. A tear rolled down her cheek, which was still tinged with the remainder of a bruise.

She was not normally a very religious person, never having really been taught any one faith in particular. But at this moment, she prayed, to whomever might listen. She hoped that he would find peace. He deserved peace, after the sacrifices he had made. They all did. She willed herself to have the strength to fight until her last breath. To stop the Reapers. To fix what she could. 'That's what I do... fix things.' I have to, she realized. For all of them.

She leaned against the railing next to rapid transport, staring out the windows for what seemed like a long time.

Eventually, Thane arrived at her side. Upon seeing her face, his brows furrowed with sudden concern, "You look pale; are you feeling well?"

"I spoke with Kaidan," she said.

He shifted, uncomfortable. "Are you alright?" he asked. She turned to look at his face, but he was looking down.

She followed his gaze, to her hands resting on the railing. They were shaking. She gripped the rail tightly, trying her best to still them.

"I'm okay, Thane," she said finally, "It was just... really difficult. The trials we've all been through, the things we've faced... He's just so broken. I wish I could have helped him - sheltered him against the toll it has taken on all of us. But I-- I guess this time I ... couldn't." she trailed off. The last word proved more difficult to utter than she had expected. "Sorry, I know you only mean well by asking. I just can't find the words. I'll try to tell you about it later."

"Siha, you needn't explain yourself to me. You know that you cannot always shield others against these things, no matter how hard you try. You may have been his commander, but ultimately you can't control how these events affect him. We face an enemy few in this galaxy can imagine. This battle has - and will continue to - require the utmost of you and those who fight with you. Not everyone can be expected to have your exceptional ability to endure. Some companions are only meant to be there for part of the journey. Instead of being overwhelmed with sorrow at this... just remember their sacrifice. You are fighting for them."

She murmured, "You're right," with a fatigued sigh. After a moment to think over what he'd said, her brows furrowed. Her green eyes returned to his face, seeking his gaze with sudden intensity. "Damn it, I expect you to be with me through it all, Thane."

He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close to his chest. His embrace had never given her so much comfort. "Of course, Siha. I want nothing more than to be there for you to lean on - whenever your burdens seem too heavy. You may be a warrior angel in my eyes," he purred, "but even angels need support, and occasionally, protection. I will be yours, until the end."

She tucked her face into his neck, permitting herself to accept the small gift of happiness that the galaxy had allowed her. Sure, she gained strength through facing her demons. But he, too, was her strength - and she was so very thankful. She knew in the journey to come, she would need all she could get.

A/N: Thanks for reading! Please leave your thoughts, critiques, and/or encouragement. :) Feedback is always appreciated - this is only my second fanfic.