AN: Same universe as "Imperfect Legacies." Tony's POV.

Thing I am not allowed to do while Ziva is pregnant:

I must not question if it is mine. Ziva can still kill me.

I must not complain. Ziva doesn't care that my feet hurt. She is carrying around and extra forty pounds.

Under no circumstances am I allowed to explain to our six-year-old son the "reason" mommy is so grumpy.

Even if I use a cute analogy, I must remember that he is six.

I am not allowed to drink in her presence. She is not allowed to drink and it pisses her off.

If she tells me to sleep on the couch, I will do so. It is not worth the argument.

When she wants to name our first daughter, I will let her. Tali is a pretty name.

When she gets pregnant for the third time, I will get to name her. I will also get a vasectomy because three kids is enough to drive anyone crazy, even us.

I am never allowed to tell Ziva that she pees like a race horse. Not only will it confuse her but when she asks someone, it is not worth sleeping on the couch.

Nor may I refer to her as "Sea Biscuit" she will not appreciate it.

I will always find her beautiful, and must convince her of this every day.

Calling her "hormonal" is a sure way to either make her boiling mad or insanely lustful. It is not worth the possible adverse effect.

We are not allowed to watch Titanic she will cry, and blame me for making her cry.

I must hide the last three books of the Harry Potter series, Her Fearful Symmetry, and Old Yeller if I ever want to see her smile her entire pregnancy.

When she miscarries because she didn't know she was pregnant and a suspect kicks her, I must hold her and tell her that she'll be fine, even if I want to cry as well.

I am not allowed to sing the Weebles theme song when she walks, or I will fall down.

When her water breaks, I am not allowed to ask her if she wet herself.

I must not blame her for making me fat, there is no such thing as "sympathy weight."

I may not comment on how her food choices are disgusting.

I am also not allowed to whine when she sends me out for a random food item.

I must not tell McGee that if he and Abbs don't get busy we'll beat them. Ziva will beat me upside the head.

I must not tease or taunt her just to see her waddle at me.

She doesn't care that it was Michael who woke up at four in the morning. She will still blame me because both Michael and the child in her stomach are "my fault."

My father is not allowed within ten feet of her when she's pregnant. She will never like him, and may try to kill him.

I may not describe my pregnant wife to any authors who use the pseudonym Thom E. Gemcity. She will always have the ability to kill me.

AN: Light and fluffy just what the doctor ordered. Please leave a review or pop over to "Imperfect Legacies" of you are craving more Tiva goodness.