1787 to the War of 1812

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"So where was I last? Oh yeah! Okay, so its the year 1787, many times after dear ol' granny Ross got me a real nice flag to wear. It's been a while since we kicked out the limey bastard and we were all running around thinking about how this shit was to get going. I mean I was like thirteen at the time and having this personality crisis and all that emo stuff times a million! I didn't know whether there should be a king or some type of parliamentary system or whatever the fuck. I didn't have much power over anything back then, just some shitty paper saying the states could do what they wished, which wasn't very cool. I mean, you've got different money everywhere! No banking system or anything to speak of! Different laws, different economics, my right hand didn't know what my left hand was doing (for the record, my left hand was playing with my newly discovered vital regions...)

So yeah, then my boy Madison was all 'Hey dude, you might wanna come to Philly with me. We're like having a party and shit and it's gonna be tight for real.' And sure, he didn't really say it that way, but that's what he meant.

I went, had nothing better to do. We all got together in this fucking small ass room during summer, my balls were sweating, it was that bad. Again, we were shooting the shit and what not when Maddy was like 'You guys, I think we should help our bro America out, he's like having teenage issues, don't know what he wants to do with life. We are all wise men here, I think we can help this young guy out.' Again, he didn't really say it that way, but that's what he meant.

He took out this list thingy and was all 'Alfred, my boy, I think this will guide you well.' and then he proceeded to read the most boring story I have heard of in my life; The Virginia Plan. But I guess some other dudes were listening 'cause they started getting mad, specially Paterson. That dude was pissed off. He kept saying 'That ain't fair, it ain't! What are the smaller states to do? Left with little power to do anything!' Whenever he talked my nipples would get all tingly. So it kinda sucked when he started telling his own story; The New Jersey Plan, or as I call it, The Joysy Plan, bitch.

This got everyone fucking mad at everyone else and there was debating and fighting and god knows what, and all it made me feel was more and more angry! Until Sherman, my main man, actually told us a really awesome story; The Great Compromise. I liked his shit a lot, it spoke to my dark disillusioned teenage melodrama soul. Everyone else liked it lots too, and we decided that this would be what I would need to become a right good gentleman. Pfft.

Then something very bad happened.

The southern states wanted to count their slaves as people, 'cause then they'd get more representation and what not, the northern states knew this and were all like 'No'. And oh fuck did we fuck that part of the story up. They decided that a slave would be worth 3/5s a person, therefore making it impossible for me to calculate anything (Seriously, 3/5s? What the fuck! They couldn't have said something easier like ½ or ¾s? Shit man.)

Eventually that shit got sorted out and we came to call this story of my youth The United States Constitution, and I tattooed it on my back 'cause it was that awesome. It's a bit hard to read though, since I had to make the font very small in order to fit everything.

So then like it was apparently time to pick a fearless leader/boss to lead the awesome me, as stated in my beloved constitution. My man, daddy-o Washington won the elections and I had my very first prez in 1789. We partied like it was 1620 (with a lot more booze and chicks) until Hamilton and Adams got into another fight and then we called it a night. Party poopers.

It was a new beginning though! No one could stop me and my shinning light of freedom and justice! My whole government system started forming and I swear I got a hard on when the first Supreme Court convened. People all over Europe came over to visit me, see what I was all about, what this experiment was about. I mean, shit like this had never been tried before. I could feel that maybe some of them wanted me to fail, for sure Iggy was lookin' forward to that, but nuh uh. I ain't the type to give up, ya know? I'm a strong rugged outdoors man, living off the fat of the land and making my way through life, can't be scared of no fucking prim Euro-pussies with their tiny dogs and fancy coats. USA! USA! USA!

Ahem, ah, well, back to this. Somewhere along the way Frog Legs and Limey Bastard got into another war. I was stuck, 'cause technically I was Francis' ally, but my military was too tiny to fight off Britain (don't worry, not anymore!) So I declared neutral and that got me into even worse shit. I know they begrudged me that one. You know parents, right? They suck, don't they? Specially divorced parents! Trying to buy off your love so they can win custody battles and more money, so annoying. Hate my dad and... dad? Yeah, I got two, and what! You got something to say about that, punk! Yeah, I didn't think so.

'Cause of that Iggy and I decided that we should let bygones be bygones and just get trade going between us and the shit that used to make it nice to hang around, you know? At the end of the day I only ever wanted him to play catch with me like we used to, no hard feelings. Then Francis went insane in the brain and I went to go help him become more like me, get some democracy going and leave all this ugly monarchy shit behind. Needless to say I can talk to one dad, but god forbid I talk to the other. Iggy was pissed off to no end and took my bro Matty with him out of France's home, sitting negligence and child abuse, he was that pissed. Courts granted him custody and then the worst happened; bitch turned Matty against me! How fucked up is that limey! Can you believe that? Turning brothers against one another? Fucked up to the max, that's what that is.

That's when I decided that Iggy needed some help, he needed to learn his lesson the best way he knows how; by opening a big can of ass whoopin' on him! And on Matty too, just for good measure.

And it worked! Believe you me, I was surprised as fuck too. I mean, here we all are, just fighting with one another, and I kinda win (I win, I did win, don't let anyone tell you different!) And I felt good, Iggy felt good, Matty felt good. I think maybe we hadn't addressed some of the issues left behind, you know? I mean sometimes you gotta get a little rough in order to let all that anger go and move on. And we did that, we fought and then were all okay that's done, I'm not really that angry anymore – lets go get a burger or something. It was cool after that, I really felt like family.

Francis though... that's a different matter for another day..."

Mr. Jones looked up at the clock at the back of the class, "Oh crap, almost time for the bell, huh? Okay then, you guys got all that right? I guess we can go into 1817 and the start of American Nationalism – FUCK YEAH! – for next week. Please read the chapters, goddammit. I didn't like how many kids I had to fail last time."

A shy girl at the front of the class, maybe the class nerd, raised her hand and said, "Mr. Jones, we would like to study more for your class... bu-but we are having a hard time in Physics, it-its hard to keep up with bo-both." most of the other students around heard agreed, nodded their heads, sighed in recognition.

"Who's your Physics teacher?" Mr. Jones asked.

"Mr. Braginski!"

Fuck. America's eye twitched, "Well, fuck that guy, who needs Physics anyway, huh? I mean really! Ya'll are first and foremost Americans, and this shit is important to know! I'll talk to him, you guys just study for your next quiz, no excuses, kay?"

The bell rung and the class left.

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Yeah.

Sorry this was late, and maybe not as funny as the first. :( I tried, I have finals coming (again) and then summer break! More work will get done on this during the summer, hopefully.

I want to thank everyone who responded, you guys are the crème de la crème!

I also apoligize if I offended anyone in this chapter. Can't tell ya that America has always been fair and nice, 'cause he ain't. And really, its just gonna get more offensive as we go, lol.

Also, Joysy is how anyone outside of Jersey thinks Jersey people sound like. Sorry 'bout that, New Jersyans, it was just funny.

Review?