A/N: I suppose this needs a bit of explanation. I was asked to write a talkshow hosted by a Harry Potter character for a game I played last month. Craziness and silliness were both encouraged. This was the end result. If you turn off your brain and just run with the craziness, it makes a lot more sense in its… well… nonsensical way. Such is the way of Crazy!Fic.
On with the show!
WEASLEYS' WIZARD WHEEZES
AT THE INTERVIEWS
The audience applauses as George Weasley Apparates on stage. He is dressed in a maroon suit with an orange tie, an outfit that clashes terribly with his hair. Waving his hands and jumping up and down, he runs, jumps over the ornate wood desk stage left and lands spectacularly in the large, maroon chair. The audience applauses. George Apparates, disappearing from the chair and reappearing centre stage.
GEORGE: Thank you! Thanks, people! Welcome to another edition of Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes at the Interviews! I am your host, George Weasley. Tonight's episode is called "Conversations with Dead People." Now, it's not time to get your depressing mourning mojo on – nope! Death is an inevitable part of life – we've all heard the metaphors about circles and such, so I won't get into that. No, tonight is going to be a spectacular event, because on our show tonight –
DISEMBODIED VOICE: Our show? Since when was it our show? Shouldn't it be your show?
GEORGE: Fred, it's the Wizard Wheezes show. You're a co-creator, so it's our show.
FRED'S VOICE: I'm a ghost. I haunt people, I don't interview them!
GEORGE: Right now you're haunting me, so go away and scare some little Slytherins, okay?
FRED'S VOICE: Naah, I kind of like it here.
GEORGE: You do realize no one can see you, right?
FRED'S VOICE: Hmm? Oh.
With a pop, he becomes visible. A ghostly Fred is sitting askew in George's chair.
GEORGE: Oi! Out of the comfy chair!
He runs at his twin, though how he will do any damage to a ghost, no one knows. Fred grins and sinks through it, disappearing beneath the stage. George recomposes himself and returns to centre stage.
GEORGE: And that, people, is the other host, my twin, Fred Weasley.
DRACO MALFOY (AUDIENCE MEMBER): Is he a ghost or is it a trick? I'm suspicious!
GEORGE: No, he's a ghost.
LAVENDER BROWN (AUDIENCE MEMBER): How can he be a host if he's a ghost? Pardon the rhyme!
GEORGE: Stuff like that happens. He's a host, but he also haunts the show.
Audience members get up in unison to leave.
GEORGE: No! He's a good ghost! Oh, sit back down!
FRED'S DISEMBODIED VOICE: Mwhahahaha!
GEORGE: Shut up!
FRED'S DISEMBODIED VOICE: MWHAHAHAHA!
GEORGE: Shut up!
FRED'S DISEMBODIED VOICE: May I ask why?
He appears floating above the stage. Mass panic to get out of the theatre continues to rage as the audience fights to leave.
GEORGE: Fred, you're channelling Peeves right now.
FRED: Oh, goody. Nice to know his charm has been rubbing off on me. He's my new drinking buddy, didn't you know?
ERNIE MACMILLAN (AUDIENCE MEMBER): Ghosts can drink?
The audience all returns to their seats, their interest renewed.
FRED: Oh, yeah. There are a number of good things about being dead. For starters, you can walk through walls. Really helpful, this incorporealness. Makes getting places a lot simpler, especially if you're at Hogwarts. No more having to fight with a door with a password! No more getting stuck in trick steps! No more having to take half an hour to walk from the seventh floor to the dungeons and risk being late for Potions!
LEE JORDAN (AUDIENCE MEMBER): How do you become incorporeal?
FRED: Well, first you need to join the Order of the Phoenix. Then a war must come up in the wizarding world, specifically with Voldemort.
The audience gasps in horror. Some cover their ears.
FRED: Oi, people, he's dead. Name not scary anymore.
The audience remains silent.
Fred glares at them. He floats up and begins to fly around the audience.
FRED: Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort –
ELOISE MIDGEN (AUDIENCE MEMBER): Make it stop!
HANNAH ABBOTT (AUDIENCE MEMBER): I can't listen to this!
JUSTIN FINCH-FLETCHLEY (AUDIENCE MEMBER): AHHHHHH!
Justin gets up and runs away, jumping over some obstacle on his way out and disappearing completely from view.
Fred returns to the stage.
FRED: See? No problem. So where was I?
LEE JORDAN (AUDIENCE MEMBER): How do you become incorporeal?
FRED: Oh, right. Okay, so you have the Order and the war and the Dark Lord… Voldemort—
The audience shudders in unison.
FRED: Just pulling your leg, people! Okay, so once you're in the middle of the war, you have to work really hard to piss off as many Death Eaters as possible. Then, when they go and attack Hogwarts, you have to be there fighting for the Good Guys. Then, just as your long-time estranged brother returns to tell you how pig-headed he's been, you need to get hit with a spell by a Death Eater. That spell kills you and that's how you become incorporeal.
LEE JORDAN (AUDIENCE MEMBER): Is there any way to becoming incorporeal without dying?
FRED: Nope. But dying's really not all that bad. You know how people say it's just like falling asleep? Well, they lie. There's explosions and you get blown up and it's all very exciting, and then next thing you know, you can walk through walls and fly without a broomstick. Can we say sweetness?
GEORGE: Okay, moving on. I think that's enough from the ghost who looks like me…
DRACO MALFOY (AUDIENCE MEMBER): How can you tell each other apart? How do we know that all this time Fred Weasley is the one who's been hosting the show and George Weasley is the one who's really dead? Or incorporeal or whatever it is?
Fred and George exchange looks. They are rather mad.
FRED: I thought we ended the whole "getting mixed up" thing a long time ago.
GEORGE: Me, too. Rather sucks to get mixed up with a ghost.
Fred punches George in the face – his hand goes right through him.
GEORGE: Sorry, mate, you kind of lacking in the fighting skills right now.
They turn to the audience.
GEORGE: It's really easy to tell us apart.
FRED: So easy that we're only going to say this once. I'm Gred—
GEORGE: And I'm Forge—
FRED: Gred walks through walls.
GEORGE: Forge is hole-y.
CORNELIUS FUDGE (AUDIENCE MEMBER): I beg your pardon?!
GEORGE: I'm hole-y.
CORNELIUS FUDGE (AUDIENCE MEMBER): Holy?! What kind of affront is this?!That is terribly disrespectful of—
FRED: Cool it, Fudge. My corporeal look-alike is fond of ear-related humour. (to George) I thought I told you to drop the whole hole-y thing. It's right at the bottom of ear-related humour.
GEORGE: I have a hole in my head. I'm hole-y.
FRED: (to audience) My brother has a hole in his head. He just told me so himself. That makes him "hole-y." Not holy. Just plain "hole-y."
RON WEALSEY (AUDIENCE MEMBER): How are you "hole-y", sir?
GEORGE: Aww, little brother called me sir—
FRED: Shut up (that was a plant!) and answer the question.
GEORGE: I have one ear. My other ear is missing. Hence hole in the head. Hence "hole-y."
The audience gets up in unison and starts to leave.
FRED: You know, that was a really, really sucky thing to say. God, your sense of humour has been on the fritz since I left.
GEORGE: Since you became "incorporeal."
FRED: Shut up.
GEORGE: Whatever your say, Mr. Incorporeal. (to the audience) Okay, people, we're going back to the show now! Mr. Incorporeal has finished what he wanted to say and he is now going to walk through some walls back to where he came from!
The audience goes back and sits down. Fred waves at them, smirks at George, and then walks through the back wall.
GEORGE: See? No more Mr. Incorporeal. (he pauses for dramatic effect) Okay, all right! We're just pulling your leg! Fred is my co-host on this show and yes, he is a ghost, but he is a large part of what we do here at Wizard Wheezes: the Interviews. So, let's give him a hand!
The audience applauses. Fred re-appears and takes a bow.
The "Pinky and the Brain" theme plays as a screen rolls down and shows the opening credits for the talk-show.
They're George and Fred
Yes! George and Fred
One is a ghost
The other's hole-y.
They're wizards and twins
They're made of awesome "win"
They're Forge…
They're George and Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred
Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred
Fred!
Before each night is done
They're show will be unfurled
By the dawning of the sun
They'll take over the world!
They're George and Fred
Yes! George and Fred
Their evening campaign
Is easy to explain
To prove their twin-ly worth
They'll overthrow the Earth
They're Forge…
They're George and Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred
Fred, Fred, Fred, Fred
NARF!
There is applause as the screen rolls back up and the lights come back on the stage, illuminating George and Fred. Fred is currently relaxing in George's chair, eating incorporeal popcorn. George is standing centre stage.
GEORGE: (to himself) All right, now that the introduction and opening are over… (to the audience) All right! Please welcome our first guests! They were murdered brutally during the first wizarding war. Their son went on to become a hero. They could have easily turned our request down as they were happily enjoying ever-lasting paradise in the afterlife, but they have decided to grace us with their incorporealness here tonight. Let's give it up for Lily and James Potter!
The audience cheers. Lily and James do not appear.
GEORGE: Err… Lily and James Potter!
Lily and James do not appear.
George looks perplexed. He crosses the stage and disappears into the wings. Fred continues to eat popcorn. George's voice is heard arguing with an off-stage hand, but we can't make out the words. Fred continues to eat popcorn.
FRED: (with his mouth full) 'Ust a shecond, 'olks.
George returns, looking flustered.
GEORGE: Okay, so no Lily and James. They decided to decline our offer to come and talk to us… okay.
He sees Fred sitting in his chair.
GEORGE: What are you doing?
FRED: Ea'ing 'opcorn!
GEORGE: No, what are you doing in my chair?
FRED: 'Othing!
GEORGE: Hands off the comfy chair, remember?
FRED: Bully.
He and his bowl of popcorn sink through the chair and disappear. Moments later, Fred reappears, floating above George's head. He continues to munch on his ghostly popcorn.
GEORGE: Okay, so our next guest needs no applause. We have gone into the very depths of hell to draw him out. He is a person no one wants to talk to, but we figure "why not us?" He has a lot of things to answer for; he might as well torture him in a certain way!
FRED: Torture by talk show. Scary.
He crunches on popcorn.
GEORGE: Can you stop that?
FRED: No.
GEORGE: Figured. (to audience) Now, please don't jump out of your seats. Here he is, the Big Bad. The Mean One. The Scary One. Let's not give it up for – the Dark Lord!
The audience gasps. There is a pop and a cloud of smoke covers the stage. George begins to cough. The smoke clears. There is a black chair with chains on it sitting centre stage, but it is empty. Fred is sitting on the edge of George's desk, still eating popcorn. George is staring at the chain-bearing chair, perplexed.
GEORGE: Okay, that's weird. Anyone spot a Lord Voldemort running around where he shouldn't be?
There is another pop and a ghostly owl appears out of nowhere. Fred spots the owl and flings his popcorn bowl aside – instead of crashing when it hits the floor, it sinks through the floorboards and out of sight.
FRED: HEDWIG!
He takes off after the owl. They fly around the rafters, Fred chasing Hedwig.
GEORGE: No, no, no, we're supposed to be interviewing the Dark Lord, not Harry's owl!
FRED: OOOOWWL!
GEORGE: Fred, stop chasing the bird.
FRED: OOOOWWL!
GEORGE: Fred, the audience will think we're insane.
DOLORES UMBRIDGE (AUDIENCE MEMBER): You're insane! Little brats!
She gets up and storms out.
GEORGE: … too late for that, I suppose.
Fred continues to chase Hedwig. George turns reluctantly to the audience.
GEORGE: Okay, so I suppose you lot should clear off. None of our guests really want to speak to us. So much for conversing with dead people (unless it's Fred). Sorry!
The audience grumbles. They get up and leave their seats for a final time. The house lights dim, but the stage remains lit up. George throws himself down in his chair. Fred continues to chase Hedwig. After a while, he comes back down and sits on the edge of George's desk. The twins look at each other and then burst out laughing.
GEORGE: I think that went well.
FRED: So do I.
GEORGE: We tricked them a good one!
FRED: That we did. Take that, stupid TV corporation wanting us to host a talk show!
The twins laugh manically.
GEORGE: So, Fred, what do you want to do tomorrow night?
FRED: Same thing we do every night, Fred.
BOTH: Try to take over the world!
Curtain.