Title: How to Read for Dummies
Pairing: Spain/Romano
Rating: PG-13
Note: So! This was brought about by some lulzy conversations about Fledgling Wine (Google that shit), where it was decided that "bring literacy through wine-making" clearly meant getting completely pissed and teaching people to read. Obviously, there are only three people who could have designed such a program. Add way too many alcopops and some wine to the writing process, and this is what you get.

It was 3:02 am, according to the numbers glaring back at him from his alarm clock, when Romano awoke to the sound of a loud pounding on his door. He tried to ignore it, and by 3:15 am, the knocking (and... kicking?) had ceased. Thankful that whoever it was had decided to fuck off, Romano rolled back over, hoping to go back to sleep.

He jolted upright when the door was thrust open, slamming against the wall loud enough to cause a huge slam to reverberate through the house. A chorus of foot steps moved from the door, to the living room, to the stairs leading up to the second story of the small house. Now fearing for his life, Romano did the only thing one really could do in a situation like this.

He hid in the closet.

He could hear whoever it was talking as they walked (or ran, it definitely sounded more like they were running) up the stairs, and though something was very, very familiar about the voices, by the time he actually realised who it might be, the door to his closet was being swung open.

"Lovi!" Spain cried out, grinning from ear to ear. "Guys, guys! I found him!"

"What the fuck are you doing in my house?!" Romano retreated further into the closet, now wielding a metal coat hanger.

"We're here to fulfil a mighty and awesome mission, duh," Prussia said, coming to stand beside Spain. The two both reeked of alcohol, Romano noted.

"Mighty mission my a-- H-how did you even get in here, the door was locked!"

"You gave your petit ami the key, do you not remember?" As if Spain and Prussia breaking into his house wasn't enough, France was there too.

Romano whacked him with the hanger.

"He's not my... I don't even fucking know what you just said, you stupid surrender monkey, but I never gave him a key!" He repeatedly hit France in the shin with the hanger a few more times, before realising that France was in his room. "Ack! Spain, save me!" he cried out. In his panic, he attempted to somehow get out of the closet, retreat further into the closet, and pull Spain in front of him, all at the same time.

He didn't see the error in this plan until he came stumbling out from beneath the curtain of clothing, all the while pulling Spain down on top of him.

"Aww, Lovi, we can't cuddle right now! We're all here for a really important reason, I promise." Spain stood up and tried to pull Romano up with him, but just ended up toppling over again.

Ten minutes, five rescue attempts, and a multitude of bruises later, Romano and Spain were both sat on his bed, while France and Prussia had decided (been forced by Romano) to sit on the floor, leaning against the wall furthest from Romano's bed.

"Romano's bed is so comfy," Spain cooed, laying down and pressing his reddened face into a pillow.

"Oi, girlface." A projectile that looked rather like a bottle cap followed Prussia's words and landed somewhere between Romano and Spain on the bed. "You can't sleep, we've got to teach your little boyfriend here how to read!"

"Oui, and I've got just the book to start him out!"

Romano stared at Spain.

Romano stared at Prussia.

Romano briefly glanced over at France and then thought better of it when he was met with a leer.

"The fuck?! You came over here to teach me to read? What the fuck have you been smoking, I already know how--"

"It's okay." Spain sat up and ran a hand over Romano's thigh in what he must have thought was a comforting manner. "I know all your secrets."

"What secrets?! I can fucking rea-- you better not have told your stupid friends anything you know about me, damnit." Romano was staring to wish he still had that coat hanger. He was fucking going to stab everything.

Spain just kept rubbing slow, even circles over Romano's thigh. If certain other people weren't there, Romano might not think the gesture so innocent. "It's all my fault, I should have taught you when you were little!"

"Damnit," Prussia mumbled. "He's going to start crying again. That's so unawesome."

"I seem to recall you crying over something quite similar, mon ami."

Prussia just laughed. Loudly. "Ahahaha, you're so funny, I never cry! It's so unawesome to cry, and I'm awesome! So I don'tevercryhow'dyouknowthat I don't know what you're talking about ahaha."

Spain sniffled sadly. "I tried to be a good boss, I really did!"

"I can read, stop fucking crying..."

"LOOK HOW ASHAMED HE IS!" Spain wailed, throwing himself back down on the bed in his grief. "We need to teach him now!"

"You don't need to teach me anything!" Romano shouted. "Goddamnit, I can read just fine!"

France stood up from his spot on the floor. Romano hid behind Spain's sobbing form eyed him warily. "If you can read, demonstrate for us, s'il vous plait." France tossed a small, leather-bound book to Romano.

He glanced at it for a moment. "What is this? It has no title."

Spain clung to his leg and sobbed.

"Oh fuck you all." He rolled his eyes and opened the book, glancing at the first page, prepared to show them all that he could indeed...

"Ack, gross!" He slammed the book shut. "You fucking unnecessary piece of shit, these are just pictures of you... of you... doing indecent things that shouldn't be mentioned in good company!"

"NO PUEDE LEER!" Spain gripped his own face to express the true depth of his grief.

Romano promptly kicked Spain off his bed. It was for his own good, really.

"It's worse than we originally thought," France said gravely.

Prussia nodded in agreement. "He's really stupid."

"Where did I go wrong?!" Spain pulled himself up off the floor, holding a mysterious box that Romano hadn't noticed before. "Don't you worry, Romano. Boss will fix this."

"There's nothing to fix!"

Once fully back up on the bed, Spain enveloped Romano in a tight hug, the box of whatever-it-was pressing into his back. "It's okay, Lovi. I love you no matter what, even if..." Another sob escaped Spain's throat. "Even if you can't read!"

"Get a room, Tonio, stop being such a queer."

"Who the fuck you calling a queer, potato bastard?!" Romano stood up from the bed, fully intent on punching that stupid albino face into next Wednesday, but a certain dumbass Spaniard was still clinging to him. "Would you let go?!"

"Why don't you start with the flashcards?" France suggested, pointing at the box Spain was holding.

"Good idea!" Spain immediately perked up, letting go of Romano and moving back to sit in front of him, legs crossed. "If I'm going too fast for you, just tell me and I will slow down." Spain held up the first card and looked at Romano expectantly.

"What the fuck are you even doing."

"Por favor, do this for me? Romano needs to learn his alphabet!"

"Romano needs to get some fucking sleep without crazy ass drunkards," Romano mumbled. At the sight of Spain's quivering lip, he relented. "A."

Spain blinked. "A what?"

This was going to be a long night. "The letter A, you jerk."

"It's working!"

"Oui, it seems to be!"

"Awesome! This is the second best idea that we've ever had!"

Romano rubbed his temples. "Just fucking show the next card."

Three hours later, Spain had gone through fifteen packs of flashcards with Romano (who still had no idea where he'd been hiding them all, the three inebriated men didn't appear to be carrying anything with them when they entered the room).

"Cat."

"Bien!"

"Tree."

"You're getting so good at this!"

"Fuck you."

"Very-- Roma! It doesn't say that, did you forget how to read again?!"

"No!" Romano said quickly, really not wanting to go through all the flashcards all over again. "Dog. It says dog!"

"Very good!" Spain checked the cards over, saw that they had come back to the beginning, and returned them to their box. "Guys, do we have any more cards?"

A soft, "Non," and a snore answered his question, and both Spain and Romano looked over to find Prussia and France asleep on the floor. Prussia was drooling, much to Romano's chagrin.

Romano let out an irritated sigh. "Are we done here?"

"Sí!" Spain flung the box of cards aside and shoved his face against Romano's, cooing softly as he rubbed their faces together. "Boss is so proud of you! Now you can do everything a normal person does!"

"I could already--"

"Shh." Spain pressed his fingers to Romano's lips. "Romano doesn't need to lie to Boss~."

"Oh fine." Romano pushed Spain's face away roughly. "Will you shut the fuck up and let me sleep now that you've taught me to read?"

"Sí, claro!" Spain lay down on the bed (for the millionth time that night, albeit a lot more gracefully than he had in previous times). Romano chose to ignore the fact that he was cuddling his pillow.

"Nope. Floor."

His demand was met with a soft exhalation.

"Oh fuck it." He lied down next to Spain and immediately fell asleep.

It was hard work learning how to read, after all.

---

Language notes:

Fuck (French): Fuck