Restless

"There is no pretending, I love you, and I will love you until I die, and if there is life after that, I'll love you then."

He absolutely despised nights like tonight, he loved to sleep because in his dreams she always loved him back. That was not how it was in his reality, no matter how hard he tired, she always shot him down. It had been particularly bad that afternoon, even Padfoot had felt pity for him. He loved Lily, why couldn't she just open up her enchantingly beautiful eyes and just see that? He would not give up, James Potter never gave up. He had been trying desperately for seven years now, what was a little longer?

James knew the reasons why Lily did not like him, she reminded him of them all of the time. He had tried his hardest to fix them, he wanted more than anything else in the world to be perfect for her. Try as he might, he couldn't stop his hand from instantly combing though his messy black hair whenever he happened to see her. He couldn't stop cursing Snape whenever the opportunity presented itself, unfortunately it seemed like Lily would always appear out of nowhere when these opportunities came up.

Her harsh words were permanently engraved into his mind, "Arrogant toerag, annoying toad, narcissistic git," but he never showed her how they made him hurt, he always reacted nonchalantly to her face. She didn't know that they haunted his every nightmare, causing him to loose more sleep than he would ever admit to Remus, Sirius, or Peter.

Maybe she was right, maybe he wasn't good enough for her. Maybe she would be better off with Remus or Amos, maybe they could make her happy. All James really wanted was for her to be happy, his heart melted into putty every time she flashed that dazzling smile. He wanted to make her happy, to comfort her when she was afraid, to cheer her up when she was down, to protect her when she was in trouble, but he knew deep down that that would never happen.

People were always questioning him about why he never moved on to someone who felt something back for him. There were plenty of girls who would be more than happy to be his girlfriend, he was constantly turning down invitations to go for a drink or what not. The answer was obvious to him, the same answer every time, he couldn't feel anything for anyone other than Lily. She was everything that he ever wanted, she could complete him entirely. No other girl out there could ever compare with her intelligence, personality, or her paradisiacal looks, he didn't even see other girls when Lily was around. James wasn't capable to love anyone else, it was like he was programmed to love Lily, and only Lily, for the rest of his life.

And what would happen if she never returned his love? He knew the answer to this too, it was simple, he would grow old and die a lonely man, but he didn't care, it was worth it. James would love Lily with all his heart until he left this world and if there was an afterlife, he would love her there too.