THE CREATOR SPEAKS

Summary: Tag to 99 problems, Sam is sick and tired of everything, but as it happens God is also sick and tired of some things, maybe, just maybe they can figure things out together.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of it, and I'm not making any money of it, seriously, I'm not. Sam and Dean belong to Eric Kripke and Warner Brothers, and even God doesn't belong to me, he belongs to Erik van Muiswinkel, I'm just borrowing.

Author's note: Okay so this one is a little weird, it was inspired by a sketch by Dutch comedian Erik van Muiswinkel, it's not very serious, it's just supposed to be a laugh, so I hope you'll enjoy.

Sam was sick and tired of everything, he was pissed off and furious, sad and devastated, too many emotions ran through him all at the same time as he watched the impala round the corner and disappear out of sight. The preacher had followed him outside and watched him with a look of pity. Something just snapped in Sam then, something he kept inside for so long forced itself out and Sam screamed. First it was just primal gut wrenching screaming, but then it turned into something else.

"God, you spineless bastard, you fucking asshole, why!"

Castiel dragged himself outside to see what all the commotion was about. He and the preacher shared a look, silently telling the other to do something, but neither moved.

"You pathetic excuse for a father, answer me, you son of a bitch, you motherfucker!" Sam screamed at the sky.

Suddenly there was a flash of light and in the middle of the parking lot stood a middle-aged man with short brown hair wearing a bland beige coloured suit. "I will not stand for this name calling young man." He said with an impeccable British accent.

"Father?" Castiel muttered in shock.

Sam looked between Castiel and the new appearance. "Wait, you're God?"

"The one and only, the Creator, the Father, the Lord, all of the above." The man inspected his fingernails with a bored expression.

"No way!" Sam exclaimed.

God looked offended. "Well this is just peachy, first you insult me, and then you deny me all in one night, is that what I get for bothering to come down here in the first place?"

"Why did you come now?" Castiel asked.

"I will not let this young hooligan insult me like that without being able to defend myself, not after all I did for him in the first place." God regarded Sam with the look of a father who's disappointed in his son.

"All you did? You mean like leaving the world to burn while you go on vacation?" Sam all but yelled.

"It was a long time coming Sam, I tried many things, nothing worked, you people just won't learn." God told him.

"Learn what?" The Preacher had finally found his voice.

God didn't listen though, he seemed to be getting lost in his own personal rant. "You know I did everything for you guys, I made the world all nice and cosy, I made a little light, I separated the earth from the heavens, I separated the land from the oceans, you know you can read all about it in the first part of my book."

"Your book? The bible?" Sam stammered.

God however wasn't finished yet. "I made plants, I made animals and it was all terrific, very exciting, but with you guys the whole trouble started."

"With people?" Sam asked.

God nodded. "When I'd made you guys I thought I could take a day off, I thought it was good, well that was a mistake."

Castiel looked confused. "People were a mistake?"

"Leaving them alone for five minutes, that was certainly a mistake. Anyway, you know I tried a lot of things over the ages, nothing worked." God shook his head sadly.

"Tried things?" Sam wasn't sure he wanted to know.

"Oh yes, first I thought I'd just clean the whole world up and start over, so I flooded the place, but only two of you have to resurface and you're at it like rabbits." God's voice was laced with disgust.

The padre looked shocked. "But..."

God didn't listen and went on unconcerned. "I kicked the Israeli through the desert for forty years, I picked on the Egyptians, I opened up the sea, said: go that way and closed the whole thing on top of them, nasty prank I know." God sniggered.

Sam, Castiel and the preacher stared at God open mouthed. God meanwhile continued unbothered with his rant. "I killed, strangled, burned, drowned, millions of you, but you simply wouldn't learn, I underestimated you."

Sam opened his mouth to speak, but all that came out was. "uh?"

"So that whole campaign was not a big success, so I decided, if you can't beat them, join them, so I sent my only son down to you, you can read all about that in the second volume of my book."

"Jesus." The preacher exclaimed.

"Exactly, anyway that boy came home a mess, very upset, he was treated very rudely, and that just before the weekend too!" God said indignant. "It's all in my book you know, you can get it for free in any hotel room, but apparently you don't do that anymore, because I'm not being read anymore, I'm not even being believed anymore, It's pure character assassination. "

"Wow, God is on a roll." Sam muttered.

"And this has been happening for at least two centuries now, oh I know exactly who's behind it mind you, oh I know, at first I thought it was rather charming." God continued. "I mean I gave you a free will, if you guys want to pretend I'm not there for a while that's fine by me. No hard feelings you know."

In a sort of automatic responds the listeners nodded collectively.

"However, then you'll just have regulate everything yourselves too." God paused for a response, but none came. "So you did...regulate things yourselves, and that's been going on for quite some time now, that you regulate everything yourselves and that everything just grows and goes on as it should without any interference from me, even though, you know, I thought of it all!"

God sounded so upset Sam felt he had to say something. "Yes, you did."

God didn't pay him any attention. "Anyway, I'm sick and tired of being kept at the sidelines, I want back in, and the apocalypse is the way to get back in."

"That's all the apocalypse is about?" Sam asked surprised.

"All? You don't think I deserve a little respect after all that I did?" God exclaimed.

"You're acting like a spoiled child who's not allowed to play so you throw a tantrum!" Sam accused.

"Sam, can we try and not anger the creator of the universe?" The preacher hissed.

"No, no he demands respect, fine, but then he should act in a way that commands respect, and destroying the world just because he's not allowed to play with the rest of us is not commanding respect!" Sam told them.

Suddenly God was almost nose to nose with Sam. "I suggest you stop talking right now young man, I could crush you, like an ant."

"But you won't, you need me to say yes to Lucifer, so he can fight Michael in the final showdown." Sam whispered, hoping he was right.

"Fine, then I'll just rewire your brain so you'll say yes." God threatened.

Sam took a deep breath and gambled again. "No you won't, because that's in conflict with free will."

God stepped back in surprise. Sam grinned. "You've got nothing on me God."

God muttered something which sounded suspiciously like 'the youth of today'.

"If I might interrupt Father, but perhaps there is another way to get you back in." Castiel offered.

"Another way?" God asked.

"We just have to update your image a little." Castiel answered.

God looked confused. "Update?"

"Spruce it up a bit, make you cool again." The preacher offered.

"Cool?" God looked doubtful at this.

Sam nodded. "Yes, cool, get the kids into you again, how about a new book?"

God smiled. "A new book, yes I always wanted to add a third part to my book."

"It can be about how you stopped the apocalypse from happening, how you defeated Satan, the kids will love it." Castiel added.

"And then the kids will love me!" God was warming to the idea.

"With a bit of good pr, use the internet, you could be a star again in no time!" The padre was starting to get excited too.

Sam put a conspiring arm around God. "So what do you say God, how about we forget about this whole nasty apocalypse business and instead focus on getting you back in?"

"You really think you can get me back in?" God asked hopefully.

All three nodded profusely. "A new book, a new movie, a new musical, we'll do whatever it takes, but we'll get it done." Sam promised.

"Alright, but if you fail there'll be no stopping the apocalypse." God warned.

"Of course Father, now please will you put Lucifer back in his cell?" Castiel pleaded.

There was a flash and God was gone, for a few seconds nothing happened, then in another flash God had returned. "It is done."

"Just like that, no more apocalypse?" Sam asked.

"No more apocalypse." God confirmed.

Sam smiled. "Wow, you really are cool, but could you do me one more favour, could you bring Dean back here?"

God snapped his fingers and just like that the impala, with inside a very confused Dean, appeared in the parking lot. "What the hell?" Dean yelled as he got out.

"Dean this is God, God, Dean." Sam introduced.

Dean opened his mouth to start a very insulting rant, but Sam clapped a hand over Dean's mouth. "God just stopped the apocalypse, isn't that a cool thing to do of God huh Dean?"

Carefully Sam released Dean. "God stopped the apocalypse?" Dean looked stunned.

"Yes I did, instead I'm going to write another book." God told him.

"God was feeling a little left out, so we promised to help him get back in with the young people." Sam explained.

Dean opened and closed his mouth helplessly for a while. "I missed something big didn't I?" He finally asked.

Sam nodded. "Pretty much yeah."

THE END