Brennan's feelings/thoughts during the final scene of The Parts in the Sum of the Whole (Episode 100). Spoilers abound. Companion piece to There Was a Reason.

There is Not Enough

I'm the gambler he says, and your breath catches.

You want to remind him that there was a reason he quit, but he continues. If you did not know the improbability of it, you would say that your heart stops its pulsating in your chest.

You give your excuse, tried and true, hoping that he will follow your lead, forfeit this gamble.

But he doesn't. He stops your excuse and pulls you towards him. His lips are on yours. He is kissing you and it is wonderful.

Your fear gets in the way. The demon on your shoulder, as Angela would say, reminds you of your history, your past failures. You will hurt this man. This man who has done nothing but keep you safe your entire partnership. You push him away, deny him. You must protect him.

You do not have his open heart. Your failed relationships are evidence of that. You remember his quote about insanity and new outcomes. You are not insane. Your evidence tells you that the outcome of your relationships will always be the same. He may not think so now, but that outcome will not change. If you take the chance you will lose this man. Just like all the others.

He is desperate to convince you, but anecdotal evidence cannot be enough in this case. You are a scientist. Science requires irrefutable evidence to make a change.

There is not enough to take this risk.

You don't know how to change when there are so many unknown variables. There is a chance of failure and that failure would break you.

He looks so sad, and you are holding back tears. He sits back against the wall and it occurs to you. You could lose him anyway.

You hold your breath, the crushing feeling in your chest intensifying as he hesitates before agreeing to continue your partnership.

But I gotta move on he tells you. The ache in your chest increases exponentially. He made you believe in love, and you are pretty sure you love him. But it's for the best. This way you will not lose him completely.

Your voice is small when you agree.

Brushing away the tears that have fallen, you step away from the wall. You are gratified when he falls into step behind you after only a moment. You have gotten better at reading him over the years and you could already feel him drifting away from you.

Looping an arm through his, you pull him closer and rest your head on his shoulder as you walk. A tremulous sense of security comes over you when he rests his head on yours with a sigh.

You will get past this. You must. The center must hold.

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