Chapter 36

Author's Note and Disclosure:

I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY! I never intended to go this long without updating. A decent chunk of this chapter has been completed since before Thanksgiving, but I just could never seem to find the time to finish it up. I won't give excuses, because I know they don't really matter. lol.

Thank you to anyone who's still reading.

PurpleWinter - I SWEAR THIS STORY WILL BE FINISHED! My beta posts all of my chapters, so I'm not 100% sure what my password is to respond to your recent PM.

Danatech - THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR NOMINATION IN THE TWIFIC AWARDS! It means a lot that you would take time to do that and I appreciate it more than you can possibly know. (Perhaps if I weren't such an asshole, I would've updated around that time and gotten some votes… likemybetatoldmetodo, but hindsight… it's a bitch and whatnot.) Oh… and see above for the reason why I didn't respond to your PM. aka - I suck.

I'mma stop rambling and let you get to it...

Character names and song titles do not belong to me. They are the property of Stephenie Meyer, The White Stripes, and JK Rowling, respectively.

***I'm Lonely (But I Ain't That Lonely Yet) ***

BPOV

About Three Weeks Later

It's been a ridiculously boring month. Nothing's really changed. I still wake up every morning and go to school. I still talk to my friends. I still work a few days a week. And up until last Friday, I was still going to games.

Yeah... Things are pretty much the same.

They would be EXACTLY the same had Edward Cullen not come into my life.

I used to smile. I laughed and joked. One might say I was a fun person to be around. That doesn't feel like the case anymore. My smiles feel forced most of the time. My laughs are few. And I can't even remember the last time I really hung out with my friends, other than Jess, but she doesn't count since she's practically family now. Just like Rosalie.

The past feel weeks have been dedicated to books, music, and work. I'm much more 'in the know' about Harry Potter, Jack White, and golf clubs than I am with my family at the moment. Not really something I'm proud of. Well... At least not the golf club part.

It's not from lack of trying on anyone's part, other than my own. I've just been a 'Sad-Sack-Sally' as Emmett likes to call me.

No sooner do I have that thought before my bedroom door opens abruptly, slamming into the wall.

"Jesus! The hell, Emmers?! You scared the shit out of me."

"THANKSGIVING BREAK, MOTHER FUCKER!" he shouts.

I roll my eyes at him and grab my phone to check the time. 7:00am.

"What the fuck are you doing up so early?" I complain, pulling my blankets up to my chin.

"Surfing, Balls!" he answers, grinning. "Come on!"

"I don't surf."

The grin doesn't leave his face, "I don't care."

"Who's all going?" I ask.

He shrugs, "The usual crew."

"Pass."

He shakes his head, "Nope. You need to get out. You're starting to look like shit."

"Thanks a lot, jerk," I scoff.

"I'm not gonna lie to you, you know this," he says, before softening a little. "The world didn't stop just because something shitty happened to you, Balls. You need to suck it up and live life."

He's right. I know he's right. That doesn't mean I want to admit that to him though.

Emmett smirks and I realize that he must be able to tell that I'm on the verge of giving in.

"Emmeeeeeeers," I whine.

"Come on, Balls. It's the first day of break and the weather is supposed to be epic," he smiles. "The swells are gonna be amazing! Plus, we're planning on having a little B-B-Q to celebrate our win."

I snort, "You already did that Friday night."

"You didn't," he accused quietly. "If you don't come, there will be thirteen of us. That's unlucky. Don't jinx us."

I'm still on the fence when he goes in for the kill, "Please, Bella."

A loud groan escapes me, "I hate you!"

"Lies," he fires back, smiling.

"Complete and total truths," I huff.

"Sure sure," he responds while walking out of my room. "Everyone will be here within the hour. Get your shit ready."

I lay in bed for a few more minutes, before crawling out to go take a shower.

The 'win' Emmett wants to celebrate is the team's state championship.

He ended up scoring the winning touchdown in the last 30 seconds of the game. We're all ridiculously proud of him. I cheered from the sidelines along with Rose and a cup of hot chocolate.

Since 'the incident', as it has come to be known, I stopped sitting with my parents and the Cullens. Papa Swan was confused at first, but didn't question anything after Rose batted her eyelashes and claimed she wanted a better view of the action.

After the game, everyone partied it up at some random linebacker's house. Well, everyone but me. I just couldn't bring myself to put on a happy face.

Edward didn't have that problem. According to Mikey I was pretty much the only absentee. He was also kind enough to let it be known that Vera Harvey seemed more than happy to keep Edward company. As well as Chelsea Dey.

When I refused to ask for additional details he so desperately wanted to offer, he pouted for a good half hour.

It's not like I haven't noticed the girls crawling out of the woodwork. I totally have.

I noticed when Kate Somers acted like she couldn't get a jar open in bio and just HAD to have Edward's help. I noticed in the parking lot when Rachel Porter coerced him into changing her tire, which was totally NOT flat. And I really noticed at work last week when Tia Gibbs came into the store, begging him to fit her for hiking boots that I know for a fact that bitch will never fucking wear.

I groan aloud, finish up my business in the bathroom, and head back to my room where I begin debating on what I should wear. I try not to kick my own ass when one of my first thoughts is 'would Edward think that's cute?' As I continue my debate, my phone rings.

"Yellooo," I answer.

"I'M SO EXCITED YOU'RE COMING WITH US TODAY!" Mikey yells.

I laugh, "You've spoken to Emmett, I take it?"

"Yes! And I'm calling to tell you to wear those cute, cute jean shorts," he informs.

"Mikey... It's November."

"Wear those cute, cute jean shorts!" he demands. "Bring a sweatshirt or a cardi. And an extra blanket too, just in case."

"Yes ma'am," I give in. "Anything else?"

"Wear your hair down, but bring a hair tie," he adds. "OH! And I'm bringing you a latte and a breakfast croissant."

"You are the absolute best," I gush. "But could you not pronounce 'croissant' like that though? You're not French."

Mikey scoffs, "Isabella, I will pronounce croissant however I want to pronounce croissant. You are not the boss of me."

"Fine. Love you. Bye."

I disconnect before he can respond and start pulling out the items he prattled off. After donning my 'cute, cute jean shorts', I put on a tank and one of Emmett's old shirts that I've cut the neck out of and cinch it at my waist. I pack the other things into a tote bag, grab my socks, and head downstairs. Leaving my bag and socks at the foot of the stairs, I head to the kitchen.

"Bells!" the kid says, surprised. "You're up!"

"Barely," I snort. "Emmett insisted I come along."

His grin is as big as Emmett's was when he woke me up. "Awesome! We're gonna have so much fun! Mom made us all kinds of sandwiches. And there are cupcakes!"

I smile at his enthusiasm, "Cupcakes, you say?"

He nods, then turns serious, "I ate the last of the PopTarts. Sorry, Bells."

"No worries, kid," I laugh. Relief is clear on his face when I tell him that Mikey's got me covered.

We hear a knock on the front door right before it opens.

"Hello, hello," Jess's voice calls out.

"In here, Jessie," the kids shouts to her.

Jess enters the kitchen a moment later, followed by J and Angela.

"Bella! You're up! Are you coming with us?" Angela asks whens he spots me.

Have I really been that bad lately? Judging by the shocked look on all of their faces, I have.

"Well, I didn't get showered just to stay in bed all day," I quip.

Angela squeals and rushes to hug me. Jess joins in a second later.

"It's not that big a deal," I say, muffled by Jess's shoulder.

They only squeeze me tighter and don't let up until Emmett walks in.

"Stop with the girly shit, ladies. It's time to roll out. Everyone's here."

We all work to pack up the food stuffs we're bringing. As everyone heads out to pack up the trucks, I go pull on my socks and boots.

The front yard is a flurry of activity when I step outside. Emmett, J, and Peter are double checking all of the gear we're taking. The kid and Jess are reviewing the food situation. Alice, Rosalie, Angela, and Charlie seem to be discussing the driving arrangements with Neen, Jasper, and Edward. And little Mikey Newton is leaning against my truck with a latte and a smile. I head right for him.

"Your latte, my lady," he hands it to me with a slight bow.

I smile and give him a curtsy, "Thank you, kind sir."

"I'm riding with you," he informs me.

I raise an eyebrow as I sample my latte.

"It makes the most sense," he explains. "If you don't we might get stuck in the stalker van. It's really dank in there. And besides that, I want 'Bella Time'."

"BALLS!" Emmett shouts for me and I walk over to where he, Peter, and J are standing.

"You bellowed, Emmers?" I say drily.

He rolls his eyes, but otherwise ignores the nickname, "You driving?"

"According to Mikey, I am," I answer.

"Cool. That'll work. I'mma pack the gear in Lucille and we're gonna put all of the food and shit in yours, good deal?"

"Do I have a choice?" I ask.

He shakes his head, "Not really."

"Then good deal," I reply.

Emmett pumps a fist in excitement and he and J get to work loading up his truck, leaving me with Peter.

"We're all awful glad you're coming, petal. All of us."

"I'm so sure. You know, because Bella Swan is such the surfer."

Before he can respond, Charlie interrupts us.

"So Edward, Jasper, and Alice are riding with us and Neen. Is that okay?"

Peter nods and then looks to me, "You know, petal, we can make room for you and Mr. Newton if you want to ride with us."

"Yeah, I think I'll pass on that, Petey," I decline. "Besides, other than needing 'Bella Time', Mikey thinks the stalker van is 'too dank'."

He laughs and drops the subject and we both head over to help the kid arrange food in the back of my truck.

Once we're all on our way, Mikey hands over my breakfast sandwich. He stays silent while I eat, humming the chorus to 'Convoy' over and over. He waits until I'm balling up the sandwich wrapper before he starts talking.

"Isabella, it feels like I haven't talked to you in FOREVER! What haveyou been doing during your self-imposed, quasi exile?"

"Oh, you know the usual. Work, school, home."

Mikey huffs, as if I didn't give him the answer he wanted, "Details, Isabella! My mom says that you and Edward have been working together."

I nod, "We have."

"She says she offered to reschedule you?" he probes.

"She did."

He sighs heavily, "She said that you told her that wasn't necessary."

"I did."

"DAMMIT!" Mikey shouts, snatching my latte from my hands. Clearly he's reached his breaking point, "IF YOU DON'T START GIVING ME DETAILS, ISABELLA MARIE SWAN, I WILL THROW YOUR LATTE OUT OF THE FLIPPING WINDOW!"

My shoulders slump, "What do you want me to say? You know it all already, it seems. Daffy offered to reschedule us. Hell... She offered to FIRE him, but that it wouldn't have solved anything. I am a fucking adult and work is work. Just because he's there, doesn't mean I need to talk to him. Which I something I think Daffy told him. I help my customers and he certainly helps his."

"What does that mean?"

I glance over at him, "What?"

"'He certainly helps his'," he mimics, "What's that about?"

"Nothing," I shake my head.

"Isabella..."

"Michael..."

"What did that mean?"

I remain silent.

"If it didn't mean anything, then you wouldn't have said it that way," he argues.

"What way?"

I feel him staring at me, "You know what way."

"It's just..." I begin and then stop, not really wanting to continue.

"Just what?" he leads, handing me back my latte as an incentive to say more.

I exhale loudly, "It's just that I can't help but notice that there seems to have been a recent increase in teenage girls interested in sporting goods."

Mikey laughs, "Yeah. I've heard about that."

My head snaps to his direction, "What do you mean? How did you hear?"

"Well besides my mom mentioning having to order pink fishing poles," he pauses to rolls his eyes. "Honestly... pink fishing poles. What will they think of next? Anyway, Edward has mentioned the new customers a few times."

"Since when do you talk to Edward?" I ask, my voice raising a few octaves.

"Um, don't act like you don't know that we all sit at the same table every day at lunch. Besides that, he's resorted to hanging out with Jasper and Alice, who are pretty much always at my house," he replies. "It's funny. He and Jasper hang out more now than they ever did when they were 'dating'."

"You're still hanging out with Jasper?" I whine.

"Well, it's not like I had a choice, you know? My best friend has kind of been MIA since September," he accuses. "And I feel that I don't have to mention that Jasper is extremely pretty to look at."

I snort, "Good to know you've been looking at pretty boys while I've been going through an emotional breakdown."

"Oh please, it's not like you wanted company. You've been practically a zombie for the past month. Even when you're with us, you're not present. I mean, if you had been paying attention to our convos in home ec and lunch you'd know all of this already, so don't act like you're all hurt."

"You're right," I concede. "I've been a shit friend."

In typical Mikey fashion, he agrees with me, "You have, but I've forgiven you. So yeah. Edward has mentioned that some of his customers are of the female persuasion."

"Some?" I laugh, "More like ALL."

"It's so crazy. I wouldn't have thought the ladies of Forks would be so shameless. It kind of makes me understand why Edward..."

I interrupt him, "Stop right there. I don't want to talk about Edward anymore or your 'understanding' of him. Subject change."

Mikey opens his mouth to argue, but thinks better of it.

Despite me not being 'present' during conversations, I have taken note of the few times Mikey had attempted to talk to me about Edward. He so badly wants to tell me the full story, or his version of the full story, but so far I've been resistant. If and/or when I'm ready to hear the story, I'll ask. Until then though, I feel we've exhausted the subject of Edward.

"James?" he asks.

"James is an asshole," I supply.

He's silent for a few moments before asking, "Have you spoken to him?"

"No..." I answer incredulously, "Why would I?"

"Just askin'."

I know that tone and I know he's not 'just askin''.

"Have you?" I ask. I'm met with silence again that answers my question better than 'yes' would have.

"MIKEY!"

"What?" he replies, as if he doesn't know why I'm screeching at him.

"I mean... I know I've been a shit friend, we just established that, but that doesn't mean it's cool for you to fraternize with the enemy!"

He snorts, "Oh, please."

"He lied to me for months," I argue.

"And he's lied to himself for years, Isabella," he says in a calm, quiet way that shuts me up.

Mikey waits to confirm that I'm not going to speak again before he continues, "Anyway... He's confused and kind of scared. And I'm the only 'out' gay that he knows. He needed to talk to someone."

"What about Tyler?" I ask.

He heaves a sigh, "Tyler is trying to convince himself that he's not gay."

"WHAT?!" I'm screeching again.

"It seems he got a bit spooked when you caught them, so now he's claiming that he was just 'experimenting'."

I roll my eyes, "What horseshit!"

"I know."

"He was completely calm when I caught them. Like he was totally cool about it. James was the one who was freaking out," I continue.

"That's what I heard."

"'Experimenting'," I grunt out a fake laugh. "Isn't that something reserved for college, you know, when you actually have the freedom and excuse to go a little crazy? Why risk it all when high school is nearly over?"

"My thoughts exactly," Mikey agrees.

I plug on, "Why bring this up now? Why not after the first time? One time would be 'experimenting', two-fucking-months is more than that."

"Maybe he's bi?" he shrugs.

"Maybe so, but then just admit to that, don't claim that you don't have a penchant for the cock when you so obviously do. I bet dollars to donuts that HE was the one who talked James into their shenanigans. James is... was... as straight-laced as they come. No way he'd divert from 'the norm', unless he was swayed to do so."

"That's my understanding as well, but it doesn't change things."

"How is he?"

"Like I said before, he's confused and kind of scared." I feel that's all he's going to say, so I gesture for him to go on, "Well, now that Tyler has claimed he was just 'experimenting', he thinks that maybe that's all he was doing as well. We've contemplated the fact that he might be bi. He definitely appreciates the male form more than the female form. Though he enjoyed when you'd handle his bits, he liked it much more when Tyler would. I think that's a sign right there, but he was able to get it up for you, so that either means he's bi, or you're just THAT good."

"I don't think I like your tone, sir," I laugh.

"Why I don't know what tone you're referring to, Isabella," he says sweetly.

"Um, that tone that implies that you don't think I could be 'that good'."

"Whatevs," he brushes me off. "So he's confused about all of that and he's also kind of scared that he's going to be outted without warning. I told him you guys wouldn't do that to him, no matter how badly he fucked up, but it's still a fear of his."

I sigh, "Maybe I should talk to him."

"You should," he nods and then decides to push his luck. "You should talk to Edward too. As well as Alice and Jasper."

"Mikey," I start tiredly, but he cuts me off.

"Just think about it. I'm not saying to act like nothing's happened, but at least try a little. Baby steps, Isabella. That's all I'm sayin'."

The rest of our ride is silent as I finish up my latte and ponder what Mikey's told me. By the time we arrive at the beach, I've resolved that I'm going to talk to James. Not to forgive him, I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet, but to set his mind at ease by telling him that no one is going to out him. I feel bad that he's so fearful about that.

Mikey hops out of the cab as soon as I park, "I'mma find the perfect spot for us."

He prances off through the sand, leaving me alone to unpack the truck. J pulls up a few minutes later, so I'm not alone for long.

"Let me guess," Angela says, emerging from the car. "He had to go find 'the perfect spot' for us."

I laugh, "His exact words."

She smiles and we start unpacking the food, while Jess and the kid go to find a few beach carts to make things a little easier on us. It doesn't take long for us to transport everything into the carts and locate Mikey. Angela, Jess, and I stay at the beach to start arranging things while J and the kid head back up to the parking lot to help with the rest of the supplies when the others come.

By the time everyone else shows up, I'm already settled on my blanket and reading a book. After the gear is unpacked, the group heads down to the water, leaving me alone with Harry Potter.

The trio have just escaped Gringotts when it happens, I hear a loud whoop and look up from my book and see a glorious thing. Edward Cullen, soaking wet, shirtless, and smiling a beautiful smile at whatever Peter may have just said or did. I watch them for a few minutes, before they wade back into the water, surf boards in tow. I close my eyes and silently chastise myself for even looking.

A few minutes pass before I hear someone sit down next to me. I'm sure it's Mikey or Ang, but then they speak.

"It means 'fate'."

I open my eyes to see a shirtless Jasper next to me. His gaze is on Alice, who's down by the water with Rose and Jess.

"Huh?"

He gestures to his chest, "Our tattoos. You never got an answer that night. They stand for 'fate'."

"Oh," is my lame response.

"Mary Alice insisted we get them a little after I turned 18. I kept telling her that the place would never tattoo her, but she just shocked the hell out of me when she whipped out a fake ID. The gentleman didn't even blink, just asked her what she wanted," he chuckles at the memory. "She never flinched once, unlike me. 'Don't be such a baby, Jasper.' It was very emasculating."

"Why are you telling me this?" I ask.

He takes a few moments before turning to look me in the eye, "I want you to know us. The real us. Alice is so fearless and I'm a whiny baby sometimes. She's an absolute pain in my ass, but she's my world."

His sincerity nearly takes my breath away, "You're lucky to have her."

"I know."

I look away from him, "I'm sorry I've been avoiding you."

"Apology accepted, though not at all necessary," he says, his gaze going back to Alice.

"How's she been?" I ask.

"She's Alice."

I smirk, "Annoying as hell, but easy to love?"

He laughs, "Sounds about right."

"Who are you?"

He turns back to me and smiles, "Jasper Whitlock Hale. I..."

I had to stop him there, "Whitlock?"

"Hush," he fake-pouts. "I enjoy my cowboy boots and reading about the Civil War."

"Nice," I smile. "Why the Civil War?"

"My great-great-great-great-great grandaddy Whitlock was the youngest major in the confederate army," he says with a bit of pride.

"Impressive. Remind me again who won that war?" I sass.

"Ouch! No need to be rude, darlin'."

I chuckle, "Sorry."

He waves my apology off and then asks the big question, "How have you been?"

"Bitter."

He nods, "And?"

"Lonely."

He raises and eyebrow, "Lonely?"

"Lonely," I confirm.

"And how's that?"

I take a deep breath and attempt to explain, "I know. It's kind of silly, since there are people around me a lot of the time, but they're not necessarily the people I want around, you know?"

Jasper remains silent, a tactic that I think he learned from his mother, and waits for me to continue.

"I love my family and I love my friends, but there have been so many times over the past month that I've wanted to talk to Edward, if only to tell him about some stupid thing Emmett's done, but I can't and it makes me feel lonely."

He nods again, "And why don't you just talk to him?"

"Because the second I think about giving in, I remember what he did and it pisses me off all over again."

"Ah," he replies. "Hence the bitterness."

I sigh happy at his understanding, "Exactly."

"Well, obviously I think you need to talk to him. I don't think you're gonna feel any better until you do. Even if it is to get the full story and send him on his away," he says. "But you do it on your own time. If you think you need another day, week, month, you take it. Don't worry about what everyone else thinks. You just do what's best for you."

"Hey Jasper," I look over at him, causing him to look back to me.

He smiles, "Yes, darlin'?"

"You're kind of awesome."

"You're not so bad yourself, Miss Swan," he gets up. "I think I'll leave you with Harry, Ron, and Hermione for now."

"Actually," I start, putting my book down and reaching out a hand for him to help me up.

"I think I need to stretch my legs a bit."

He smiles and hauls me to my feet and I walk with him over to wear Alice is standing. Her eyes widen when she sees me with Jasper, before she smiles brilliantly. I smile back and Jasper kisses her cheek before breaking the silence.

"Mary Alice, Bella needs to stretch her legs. You wanna keep her company?"

If possible, her smile gets even brighter, "Absolutely!"

He whispers something in her ear, before leaving us to go join Emmett and the kid who are tossing a football to one another.

I watch them for a few minutes before I turn to walk down the beach. Alice falls into step beside me. We walk in silence for a bit before she starts talking.

"I can't believe it's so warm today."

"Yeah, I totally doubted Mikey when he told me to wear shorts."

"Never doubt Mikey," she laughs, causing me to laugh too.

"Never."

"Bella," she starts, but I cut her off.

"If you're going to apologize, you don't have to. You were kinda dishonest and I was kinda a bitch. I feel that's evened us out."

"But, If I hadn't gone along with..." she tries again.

"Alice, I've had a lot of time to think about this, believe me. You didn't do anything that I probably wouldn't have done for my brothers. I get it- you love him. You wanted to help him out; that's what siblings do."

She nods, "but siblings are also supposed to be honest with one another and tell them when they're doing something stupid. I didn't do that and I should have."

"Eh, maybe," I shrug. "It's a moot point now. It happened, it sucks, but we have to move on."

"Do you mean that?" she asked.

"Yeah, I think I do. I'd like to get to know you, Alice. The real you."

"Really?" she squeals in excitement.

"Really," I confirm.

I barely get the word out, before she launches herself at me. "Oh Bella, I can't tell you how excited I am! Jasper and Mikey told me to give you time, but I was starting to lose hope."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa... I thought we just established that we're never to doubt Mikey," I joke, pulling her arms from around my neck, for fear of being choked out.

She takes the hint and lets me go, "I know, I know, but I was worried."

"So, you wanna tell me what I've missed out on for the past month?"

Alice claps her hands, "Absolutely!"

We continue our walk and she fills me in on the misadventures of our friends. She's careful to leave her brother's name out of her stories and for that I am thankful- baby steps, after all.