Disclaimer: I don't own them. I want this to be a three-part piece. The other two would be of Spock's perspective and then them together. I don't have a lot of time right now though, since school is about to be out. Should I go on?

...

I am not crying because my first officer doesn't trust me. I'm James T. Kirk, Captain of the USS Enterprise. I am also not a liar. Okay. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah.

I'm crying because Spock doesn't trust me.

I'm sitting here, alone, in one of my briefing rooms with my feet in the chair, my arms wrapped firmly around my knees, and the privacy lock engaged, crying.

I'm crying because my Vulcan first officer said one little chiding thing to me. It wasn't even a big deal. It wasn't hostile, and I think he even meant it humorously. It doesn't change the fact that even that much doubt from him cut me to the core.

What is my problem? I'm the captain, I'm not supposed to cry.

JTK doesn't fuck around—well, not like that. And I don't even want to do the kind I'm known for anymore. I'm supposed to be in control of myself. At all times.

God damn it!

What happened was I said something flirtatious to Uhura and Spock told me off in that gentle Vulcan way of his. I'm pretty sure he knows that I was just teasing her. His statement of claim was intended to be playful. An act of friendship for me.

That's the irony of this situation. This totally bullshit situation.

He thinks I want Uhura. Sure, I used to, but that couldn't be further from the truth now.

I know what I want.

It's something I can't have.

I want what belongs to Nyota Uhura. (I can say it in my head. She can't cut my nuts off for that.)

Where did my masculinity go?

I want Spock.

Yes, I do. More than I have ever wanted anything. Just as much as I wanted this shining silver lady and these stripes on my shirt.

God, I can taste him in my imagination. How pathetic am I? Yeah. Go ahead and say it. Fucking pathetic.

I sigh and my inner turmoil settles. The tears stop flowing, and I regain myself. Fuck this. I don't believe in no-win scenarios. I'm James Tiberius Kirk, and I get what I want. I'll just have to think about being all mature and patient with this one, but, one day, he will be mine.