The Not So Friendly Florist of Feet Street

Chapter 4: BAM!

A/N: Thanks everyone for the reviews and I'm sorry for not uploading, I've been extremely busy. This chap gets dedicated to Evil Robina for her uber inspiration, oh and too her cousins that I've never met.

Mrs Novett is watching Teeney ride around in circles on the motorbike.

Lellie: Whatever are you doing?

Teeney: Warming up the bike, you stupid hag, now get on!

Lellie rolls her eyes and gets on the back of the spluttering motorbike.

Lellie: Uh…so where to?

Teeney: Um…I'm not sure.

Suddenly, the motor bike explodes and the two of them feel themselves tumbling through the air…they open their eyes and find that they're on the street in front of the cheese shop.

Lellie: What the FUCK?

Teeney: Well….

Lellie: (scooping herself up)….That failed….

They walk into the pie shop, confused and tired.

Teeney sits and pours himself a glass of gin.

Lellie: I suppose you're going to ask why the rum is gone…

Teeney: Huh? What rum? Where? What are you talking about, wench?

Lellie: Never mind…

SCENE CHANGE TO ANTHONY.

Anthony: (staring up at Goanna in her window) I FEEEEEL YOU!

Goanna: (Throwing down an empty beer bottle) Piss off, you fuckin' hobo!

SCENE CHANGE TO ST DUNSTAN'S MARKETS.

Lellie and Teeney are walking through the bustling markets.

Lellie: He's 'ere every Thursday…French…or Spanish or somethin' he is…best thingasmajigamajig in London, they say.

Teeney rolls his eyes as they walk toward a small boy wearing an afro wig, holding up a bottle of what appears to be a cleaning product.

Toby: BAM!

Suddenly, an, obviously Indian man wearing a sparkly yellow jumpsuit and a turban appears

Pirelli: (In a thick Indian accent) And the dirt is gone.(he goes back behind the curtain.)

Toby: BAM!

Pirelli: (Jumping back out, this time holding cheerleading pom poms) and the dirt is GONE!(He goes back again.)

Toby: BAM!

Pirelli: (Leaping onto centre stage clutching a square of four grimy white tiles.) AND THE DIRT IS GONE!

Mrs Novett and Teeney exchange glances and both roll their eyes.

Toby squirts the grimy tiles with the bottle.

Supposedly the dirt of the tiles is supposed to melt away, but nothing happens.

Looking around at the crowd nervously the Indian rubs it on his sleeve and removes a small portion of the dirt.

Teeney: Mrs. Novett? Do you have a bottle of perfume with you?

Lellie: (nodding and giving him her bottle of perfume from inside her purse) Of course…careful…it's French.

Teeney pockets the perfume and the boy in the afro wig continues, he throws a few bottles of the stuff into the crowd and sings.

Toby: Ladies and gentlemen! May I have your attention, puh-lease!

Do you go to your bathroom, only to see that your tiles are all grimy and plagued with disease? …not leavin' your eyes at ease!

Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, from now on you can walk in and seeeeee that with Easy Off Bam, grime and soap scum cleaner your wall tiles have truthfully never looked better!

Gentlemen you are about to see somethin' what got a good clean….Now bow down to its sheen!

(He brandishes the grubby tiled square to the mumbling crowd).

Twas, Easy Off Bam, that's what did the trick sir…true, sir, true. Was it quick, sir? Did it in a tick, sir, just like Easy Off Bam, ought to do.

Wanna buy a bottle mister? Only costs a penny, guaranteed. Does Easy Off Bam, clean off all the germs, sir? You can 'ave my oath, sir, 'tis the best. Spray it on the tile and watch the grease unpile, soon you'll not be usin' none of these!

(He holds up armfuls of other big brand cleaners).

Teeney: Pardon me, ma' am what the fuck's he doing?

Lellie: I think he's tryin ta sell a household cleaning product used mainly for tiles in kitchens and bathrooms.

Teeney: Well,why the fuck's he doing that?

Lellie: Well, because they're broke.

Toby: Buy Easy Off Bam, the best household cleaner, anything what's black sir, soon turns white.

(Racist, much?)

Try Easy Off Bam, when they see how clean, sir, your walls will not be as dark as the night!

(he looks eagerly at a woman.) Wanna buy a bottle Misses?

Teeney: (Holding one of the bottles being passed around.) What is this?

Lellie: What is this?

Teeney: (Sniffing the contents.) Smells like bleach..

Lellie: (Sniffs.) Smells like….wow, whaddaya know, it does smell like bleach.

Teeney: This is bleach, cheap ass bleach.

Toby: Easy off Bam'll eliminate the dirt, sir!

Teeney: Why would you even bother? It does not work!

Toby: YES! Get Easy Off BAM! Use a bottle of it, Guarenteed your walls'll love it.

Lellie: Druggos do to.

Toby: (Breaking from song.) How does that work?

Lellie: Idunno…(Shrugs.)

Suddenly Pirelli bursts through the curtain again, still wearing the outfit, but this time, with a bright pink, velvet, cape around his shoulders.

Pirelli: I am an Indian salesman I wish to know who is it that is implying that my Easy Off Bam product which now comes for a two for one deal is merely jut cheap bleach!

Teeney: (Smirking) That would be, I. I have been through many a bottle of bleach in my time as a cross dressing maid in a convict camp…and I say to you, that this 'product' is nothing but bleach, barely fit for my hobo friend, Anthony.

Anthony: (In a whining tone.) Heyyy! Why does everyone think I'm a hobo?

Lellie: Do you HAVE a house?

Anthony: No, but…

Lellie: Exactly.

Anthony: But!

Teeney: Seriously, you're not even in this scene…hobo…

Pirelli: (?)

Teeney: Sir, on the price of…oh say…if I win…I get, hhhm…that turban and if you win…not likely, you will get…my wench, Mrs Novett. (He nods down at her.) I challenge you, TO A DUEL TO THE DEATH!

Pirelli: The…the…the death?

Teeney: No not really, it's just good advertising.

Pirelli: Fair, enough…(Grabbing a bottle of Easy Off Bam!)

Teeney: (Twirling the perfume bottle in his fingers like a gun.) Let's get it onnnn like Donkey Kong!

Pirelli: (singing, still with the Indian accent, saying 'l' instead of 'r'.) But, I'm only gonna bleak bleak bleak bleak BLEAK your heart! Yeah, I'M only gonna bleak bleak bleak bleak bleak your HEA-ART!

Teeney: (Face palm)

Lellie: …I'm only gonna bleak…bleak bleak bleak bleak your…hear—What? It's CATCHY!

On the stage with the crowd waving flags for either person, Teeney and Pirelli squirt the Easy Off Bam and French perfume at one another.

Pirelli bows down, screaming at his stinging eyes.

Without a word, Teeney bends and picks up the turban from the Indian's head, he then places it over his head and bows.

The crowd erupts in cheers.

Pirelli: NOOOOOOOOOO!

Teeney: YEEEEESSSSSSSSS!

Anthony: MAAAAYYYBBBBBBEEEEEE!

Toby: HOBO!

Anthony: I'm not a HOBO! (facepalm.)

A/N: I don't own ST, easy off bam, Hobos or turbans or afro wigs, but I do own a tub of green play-doh…all hail the mighty play-doh.

Fave this fic if you love play-doh…and you know you do!

Reviews, please my faithful friends :D