Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek or any of its associated content.
Waking up without Spock felt unusual. It had been one thing on the ship when everything was chaotic and no one had time to think of sleeping; however, now that things had sunken in, now that it was truly set in everyone's mind that an entire planet of people with infinite potential and possibility had perished because of one man's sick need for revenge, now Nyota wished that Spock was with her more than ever. She had seen him in passing as the media swarmed him and the admirals continued to debrief him. He'd come to her silently just after returning from his adventure on the Jellyfish, his skin on fire and his eyes still slightly wild, but that had been all. Nyota tried not to be paranoid, after all it had only been days since they returned to Earth, but she thought that Spock might be avoiding her.
Gaila's ship had docked first and she had returned to Starfleet Academy before the Enterprise had returned to its home base and awaited Nyota in their room. Nyota was officially a Lieutenant, and even Kirk, the captain of the ship she had served on knew about her relationship with Spock but she still couldn't bring herself to reveal everything to Gaila. It was too much like she'd been lying to her friend. If Nyota was honest, Gaila was, after Spock, her best friend ever. When Gaila asked her if she was okay, Nyota nodded and told her the story but never mentioned how her stomach had dropped when Spock had boarded Nero's ship and how she wanted to protect him when she saw his planet implode but could not act or think fast enough to do anything.
Nyota knew that the away team was composed of who it was meant to be composed of. Pike had specifically requested people with combat experience but Nyota still thought that she could have been of use if she had been an extra set of hands on the drilling platform or even if she had thought to insist on beaming to the surface of Vulcan with Spock, perhaps she could have held onto Amanda's hand to prevent her fall. Lying alone in bed, not knowing what Spock was thinking or feeling, Nyota silently cried. She knew it was too late. She had not done enough to prevent the tragedy that had befallen her lover, his people.
Nyota had her own meetings to attend. Her presence was requested by any number of officials. Her father Kiano, who was chief of staff to the President of the Federation, had been keeping a careful eye on everything to ensure that his daughter was psychologically well; however, Nyota was ready for the dangers of being aboard a starship and she'd already proven herself to be resilient. The meetings went by in a blur. She was honored by Starfleet for her performance on the bridge of the Enterprise. The commendations that she received were nothing compared to those that were received by James Kirk and Spock, but she appreciated the recognition nonetheless. No one found anything amiss in her communications records and, to her relief, no one mentioned that she had behaved inappropriately when saying goodbye to Spock on the transporter pad.
Nyota was fairly sure that gossip was spreading like wildfire about her relationship with Spock although she held out hope that Kirk and Scott would be discrete. Spock was the man of the moment and surely in conversing about him others might mention that he'd called her by her first name and openly kissed her in the transporter room. Nyota rolled over in the single bed. She would have to deal with that as it came. It would not take too long for people to recall the hours that Nyota had spent in Spock's office and that she had been his student for several semesters. Someone would make the connection. Hopefully things would be settled by then and it would be a moot point.
"Hey love." Kiano said, touching Nyota gently on the shoulder. She had gone to meet him for lunch, a concession to his insistence that she was looking too thin.
"Hey baba." Nyota said quietly. She looked up at her father who, at nearly seventy, still looked no more than a few years her senior. Nyota continued to speculate that her father was not completely human, a spurious thought that she'd entertained since she was a child.
"So how'd the last round of meetings go?" Kiano opened a menu as he spoke, keeping an eye on Nyota.
"Fine. They added a commendation to my record. There's going to be some sort of ceremony next week. I don't think it'll be explicitly mentioned though."
"And your young man?" Kiano asked still pretending to read the menu. Nyota had told her father about Spock near the beginning of their relationship and he had been unsurprised. He'd said that it was predictable. He'd grown quite fond of Spock in the interim although he continued to have a unique perspective on Spock's father. Now that Spock's mother was dead though, Kiano no longer wished to simply engage Spock in chess and conversation. He wanted to offer his deepest sympathies.
"I don't know. I haven't really seen him since we got back." Nyota looked down at the table, her mouth suddenly dry.
"I'm sure that he's thinking of you Ny. I'm sure that he's just trying to hold it together for his father, his people and for himself. It's only been a few days, after all. He'll come to you when he's ready. Nyota, losing a parent of old age, when you expect it, it's hard stuff. Losing his mother, his whole planet? I can't imagine what he's feeling."
"Yeah. Neither can I." Nyota frowned at the bitter edge to her own voice. "I just wish I could have a few moments with him baba." She whispered quickly. "I'm so worried about him. The things I saw on the ship." Nyota shook his head.
"Did something happen?" Kiano asked thoughtfully.
"There was a fight." Nyota looked down at her lap. "It was horrible. I've never seen him like that."
"God. Poor Spock." Kiano frowned. "He's a Vulcan and if he lost control... the emotional toil he's experiencing must be overwhelming." Kiano, unlike most Humans, had grown up with Vulcans. He was not surprised that Spock was capable of violence. He knew where Vulcans had come from and that Surak's teachings of dispassionate logic were comparatively recent in their long history.
"Yeah." Nyota sighed. "I can't do anything to help him. I feel so..." Nyota struggled to hold back tears. "Useless."
Kiano came around the table, sat and put an arm around his daughter, pulling her in close to him. Nyota cried and let her father comfort her. So much had been lost and even if Spock had been with her, she would have felt foolish grieving for his people in a way that even he could not. He had lost so much and the unfairness of it all, the lunacy of a single man's actions stuck in Nyota's stomach and pressed against her lungs. But the crying helped. And her father helped. Kiano held Nyota and waved the waiter away while she sobbed into his chest.
***
Spock was walking with his father and one of the Federation officials. Spock thought that he might recognize him from overhearing Kiano Uhura's calls during their chess matches but he could not be sure and decided that it would, in no way, be appropriate to ask. It was hard for Spock to even consider what might be appropriate on this world, his only home now, because inside of himself he was on fire with rage and smoldering with grief.
Spock's desperation at losing his mother had mostly distracted him from the physically palpable feeling of T'Pring dying. It was as if a branch had been violently snapped from a tree, however, the tree was his mind. Spock imagined leakage from the space that T'Pring once occupied, small though it was, but the chasm that was left in his heart at the death of his mother made it feel as though he had merely been hit with a pebble. Spock truly had no idea what to do.
He had been trying to meditate over the last week since they had returned to Earth after everything that had happened; however, his mind continued to wander. He could not focus. Spock thought he should have saved her. He should have done more to prevent the drill. Logic said that he did his very best, that no one could have anticipated something so sinister and that what he did accomplish, the saving of Earth and the Vulcans charged with preserving Vulcan culture was more than adequate; but still, guilt lingered within him. Spock had no peace.
Spock had changed so much in the past days, he had not even seen Nyota. Even though he had not been able to make time for her he sensed that she was longing for him, even in his distressed state. Inwardly, Spock felt worse for avoiding her. He threw himself into meetings and events, hoping that focusing on them would simultaneously give him a moment of respite from thinking about his mother's face as she fell and Nyota's concerned eyes in the turbolift when the planet was destroyed. Spock wondered if he'd lose Nyota during those days as well. If he dared reach inward, he could still feel his desire for her company and her body, but it was all buried under the rubble of heartache and pain.
Spock knew he should speak with Nyota, that she would, even if unable to comfort him, share his grief. She would mourn with him and do her best to commiserate. Spock could not bring himself to do it though. He didn't trust his emotions. He had attacked Kirk. He had kissed Nyota openly. Both actions, Spock could admit, were deeply satisfying but not something he was proud of. Spock was unsure what he might do to her now, in this unusual state. He did not think that he would ever physically hurt Nyota but he would never have thought that, as captain of the Enterprise, he would have beaten Kirk. Spock never thought that he could feel this way. He certainly had never thought that he would be thinking of putting everything behind him, Nyota and Starfleet, to assist in finding a new home for his people. Things, however, had changed.
Author's note: Thanks to ayachan1412 for being my beta reader! She has a much better memory than me and keeps me consistent!
So this story actually takes place during the movie. It's meant to be from the time the Enterprise returns to Earth through the time that Spock accepts his post under Kirk on the Enterprise.