I do not own Darren Shan. If I did, he would be a house elf.

A/N: Thank you to whoever came up with the saying, and yes, it's a real t-shirt. That's the point of this exercise, curse my writer's block.

Each of the scenes are different times and places, really not connected to my other story, my brain just shut down. Take the breaks as the story dividers. Oh, and

Spoilers.

Mr. Crepsley was really trying hard not to laugh. He quickly lost the battle.

The time was yet again Christmas, and Darren had bought him a pair of jeans, Annie had gotten him sneakers (or trainers) and Steve's present….

He would not laugh, he would not….

"Aha, ha….HAHAHA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Darren gave Steve an uneasy look from across the room. Steve gave him a bland glare, tempered to mild because it was Christmas after all.

"Hee, hoo, haha…Sorry. But Steve, you have really good taste, and a wicked sense of irony for humor."

Crepsley held up the shirt, which read:

Question Authority.

Ask me Anything.

Darren started grinning.

Annie had returned from shopping with Darrius, who in this world came from a surgical procedure, when Allan (who still went into science, this time with Steve) could not give her any children during the first five years of marriage. After Darrius she had two more sons, and then twin daughters.

Everyone suspected Des Tiny had held off the births, to secure the future in the world, but no one could prove anything.

Steve had just muttered something about 'crazy grandfathers' and gone back to work.

Steve and Alan had created dragons, but on a significantly smaller scale. Steve had also gone into work with the Vampaneze, and had secured products built from their sleeping gas for medical procedures as an anesthetic, and a healing salve from their saliva.

He was still trying to break them of their bloodlust, and so far, the products ha designed had carried him far in the research, not to mention in funds.

He predicted in another five years, Vampaneze could choose to feed as Vampires did.

Of course, the world was still unawares of Vampires. Only that Steve and Alan were some of the best scientists, and had brought back ancient creatures thought extinct.

Dragons, Steve had proven, had indeterminate growth, so they could grow to the size of legends. Very few lived past ten feet though.

The world was just too polluted. They had the life spans of dogs and habitats ranging across the world.

Now, though, Steve and Alan had come under fire for spending their money. Alan was upfront with his part. Steve, who worked alone save for the rare intelligent student who he could benefit from and evaluate to higher status, paid his taxes, his charities, had his apartment, and everything else went to his research.

Steve did not have savings. Alan's savings came from his wife's, Annie's, job.

Everyone became suspicious of Steve. Not much was known about him. Then again, Vampires and Vampaneze weren't social all the time.

Annie was currently under fire from the media for having Steve's only child and keeping him. Steve had retorted that as the children's godfather that it was none of their business. The media had become quiet.

Which is not a good sign… Annie thought, putting away the groceries. She sent Darrius up to the study to do his school work.

The doorbell rang.

Annie sighed, recognizing that if anyone was ringing the doorbell, they clearly did not know the family. Family knocked. Mr. Crepsley and the like let themselves in from the window. (They had set up a nasty device from Steve to deter anyone else from using the windows to get in. It was called a trained dog.)

Annie walked over to the door and opened it. The reporter and camera man smiled at her with beaming expressions.

"May we have an interview?"

Annie looked at them. "No. My family is expecting dinner soon, my husband is not here to watch the kids, and you may re-schedule through the secretary. Good bye."

"But just a few questions-"

Annie splayed herself across the door in a decidedly annoyed, lazy manner that Steve taught her in high school. (When Darren left, he asked Steve to protect Annie for him. Mr. Crepsley had rolled his eyes, and attacked Steve. Steve never lost to anyone in a brawl, because really, what human can measure up to a Vampire?)

"Mr." she said, "read the shirt."

Don't make me get

my flying monkeys.

The reporter goggled, and Annie shut the door in his face.

Steve chuckled over dinner. The reporter story never got old. The attempt to drag Annie's name through the muck was replied by Steve with dry wit for all the underhanded tricks the reporter had tried, complete with lack of civility on the reporters behalf for picking that exact time to approach Annie.

When asked smugly why Alan was not replying, Steve smoothly quoted 'Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.'

"Also, I am their god father. You have no right to involve yourself in my affairs unless I am breaking laws. Anyone here have suspicions of such?"

Dead silence.

"Now then, go figure out crime rates of something. Okay? Bye."

When Steve became angry at someone, he had not telepathy as Darren did, but rather, his emotions washed out as the ocean did. No one dared to cross the Vampaneze Lord. Whether they knew of Vampaneze or not.

But right now, Steve was relaxed, having dinner with the family. Darren had cooked, a good beef stew that had Crepsley frowning at the repast. Then Steve had presented the toasted bread and steamed vegetables to go with the gravy sauce, along with his secret spice tea that Mr. Crepsley enjoyed far more than he should.

He never told Steve that when the trip was long, the tea was what he looked forward to having when he arrived.

But now he squinted across the steam at Steve. He had been trying to read the shirt the whole meal. Steve had gone out chaperoning the kids at a local Rave, and had busted a local drug dealer. The telepathic contact from detaining the kid physically had garnered the police a sudden crackdown on a network of narcotics that very few police had been dedicated too. Alice had been leading the task force, and now she had Steve's lab working out the formula and treatment for the drugs.

Steve had had to split from Alan when the company had become so powerful as to threaten any competition forming. Now the friendly banter across the adds just made people okay with buying whatever. Steve had consolidated with working through hospitals, and Alan had moved to the rare OTC drug and handling dragons, a minor in veterinary science making him the leading doctor on the issue.

Steve had no time to change clothes after the police investigation, just to come home and make dinner, or to help Darren make dinner.

His black t-shirt, black jeans, the fake piercings, (a nose stud, three in one ear, and a piercing on the left eyebrow opposite the right ear with the three) made Steve aesthetically pleasing to the crowd at teh Rave.

Nearly everyone there had been eighteen and over, so Steve could mingle freely, even though he was already planning his 'retirement' from the public eye. Death or paralyzing injury were his two favorite choices right now.

Crepsley moved his head a little to the side. Picking up on the movement, Steve leaned back and arched outward, the t-shirt stretching nicely over the muscle.

Crepsley read the t-shirt, and his eyebrows shot up. "I was under the impression that this was a clean rave."

Steve nodded.

"Then why..?"

Steve grinned. "So I could blend in and not draw attention to keeping eyes on five people in particular. I mean, who would think it weird I was looking all over the place with this on?"

Mr. Crepsley 'hrm'-ed and nodded at the logic behind it. And he tried not to think of any underlying implications as Darren leaned across to his baby-brother to read:

Be quiet brain or I

will stab you with a Q-tip.

Darren loved Vampire Mountain. He really did. But when he got called for an emergency meeting and had no time to adopt the usual protocol to approach, he found a few Vampires who learned to read staring and then snickering, or shaking their heads, after reading his shirt.

The real cherry on top had been Mika Ver Leth, sitting across from him when he stood up to deliver his view on the situation. As always, a fresh angle and explanatory points led the other princes to a resolution over a compromise that solved the problem. They had wisdom of handling the clan where Darren had experience getting people to ease into new ideas.

Such as when he had left Steve in the second past.

Mika hailed him after the meeting. "Darren, that t-shirt- what purpose does it serve?"

The almighty prince with the fierce temper and fiercer sword had tried very hard to comprehend the message with paying full attention to the issues.

"Ah- it's a sense of humor that good friends of the wearer would laugh at."

"Oh. Does that mean that I am not your friend?"

"No. That only means that you might appreciate a different t-shirt. Steve got me 'You look funny with your head tilted like that' shirt, where the writing is slanted nearly vertical, like the Chinese characters. Mr. Crepsley got me this one. He also got different colors and the same message for the kids."

"Ah." Satisfied, Mika left. As he walked away, a smile tugged at his lips as he recalled,

By the time you realize that

this t-shirt says absolutely nothing it

is too late for you to stop reading.

The script becoming smaller to engage the reader's attention had been a clever ploy, he decided.

If you think you have trouble reconciling yourself to this world, just figure that the Darren to publish the books had been the same Darren, just better choices. I may incorporate a reason for that into my other story, but for now, this story stands alone.

(And no, I may own some of those shirts, but I did not invent them. Kudos to those who did.)