Title- Self-Inflicted
Author- Victoria
Rating- PG-13
Summary- Considering Logan's proposal, Rory came to a heartbreaking realization about the man she was never able to put in her past, but guilt prevented her from taking action. Four years later, she will meet him again... Future Lit

A/N- I've had some trouble finding the time to work on all my FIPs, and when I finally do have an afternoon to write, what do I find? That I can't, for the life of me, get inspired for IIWII (thanks for all your suggestions, BTW) or Dawn or PM or even LRTR! Instead, I've got this stuck in my brain. And yes, I did stoop to using Katy Perry lyrics. Aren't I allowed guilty pleasures?

1. Solitaire

"I'm going down in flames for you,
Baby you are the weapon I choose,
These wounds are self-inflicted..."
-Katy Perry

Rory slips the ring on her finger and stares at it, wondering, debating, indecisive. She shouldn't be indecisive, should she? She should know that this is right... right? She loves Logan. She does. So why couldn't she just say yes when he asked her? What was all that "give me some time to think" nonsense, anyway? Why is she even thinking any of this? She shouldn't have any doubts or reservations, should she? If it was right, she ought to just know.

The diamond on her finger glitters in the light of the single lamp. It's huge. It's the size of a fresh pencil eraser, and it almost dwarfs her finger, and for a second Rory can't help but think of it as a monstrosity. Quickly, though, she chases that thought away. Ostentatious was never her thing, but it is Logan's, and if it makes him happy to give her a huge rock...

She squirms a little, debating back and forth and trying to think it through logically.

Pro: Logan loves you
Con: Logan cheated on you.

Yes, she has forgiven him for that, but she remembers once reading an article in Psychology Today about the mentality of cheating partners, and the gist of it had been "once a cheater, always a cheater." She doesn't want to get married and then turn into one of those women who is constantly paranoid about her husband's whereabouts for fear of infidelity.

Pro: Logan was a fantastic boyfriend and would make a fantastic husband
Con: His family hated her.

Maybe not hated, but they weren't exactly on the most friendly terms. Though, as her mother has proved to her time and time again, the opinion of the parents shouldn't have a bearing on the relationships of the child. So what if Mitchum and Shira Huntzberger think she isn't good enough? Logan does, and that's more than enough for her.

Pro: She would be nicely settled down.
Con: She would be nicely settled down.

There is so much Rory wants to do and experience in the world. All she has ever known is school and studying and preparing for The Next Big Step. Logan drew her out of that protective shell somewhat, and now she is eager to taste and see all that the world has to offer her. Logically, she knows that she's got as much right to do all that as a married woman as she would single, but part of her is afraid. Afraid that if she marries Logan, if she ties herself to his opulent existence, she won't be allowed to go out and experience the seedy and the dangerous and the fascinating. Afraid that she would be kept from the ordinary and the everyday (the joys of Pop-Tarts, the feeling of running unprotected through a rainstorm, living in cheap European hostels just because she can) in favor of the next big thrill. She really would be settling.

But on the other hand, Logan is perfect for her. He's charming and smart and he keeps up with her off-the-wall references (most of the time). He brings her out of her shell and he takes care of her, not in a possessive, jealous way but unobtrusively and sweetly. He's considerate, and her family loves him. She's in love with him as well, and they have a good relationship.

So what on earth is holding her back? Rory sighs, and decides that she needs some moral support to get her through this. And with Paris not likely to be much help (though, all things considered, Paris has occasionally proved unexpectedly insightful, and she certainly provides necessary perspective) what with her preoccupation with India, and her mother refusing to give her any advice beyond "follow your heart," Rory knows there's only one person she can call to give her the support and advice she needs.

Quickly whipping out her cell phone, she dials a number she's long since memorized. Lane answers on the first ring. "Rory, it's nine pm!" she whisper-shouts. "The twins just went down for the night!"

"Sorry!" Rory hisses apologetically. "I'm so sorry Lane. The phone didn't wake them?"

"No no, they're still out."

"Good. I really need some girl talk."

"What's up?" Lane asks.

Rory hesitates, nibbling on the insides of her cheeks. "Logan proposed."

She can hear Lane stifle a squeal of excitement. "Oh my god!" she gasps, clearly just barely keeping her voice reasonably soft. "How did he do it? What did you say? You said yes, right? Of course you said yes, oh my god, I'm going to have a married friend!"

"Actually... that's kind of why I need your help," Rory admits quietly. "I told him I needed time to think about it."

"Really? Why?" Her friend's voice is perplexed.

"Because... I'm not really sure why. It's nothing concrete. I mean, there are a few problems with getting married, but nothing we couldn't get over pretty quickly. I don't know. I just need to be sure."

She can practically feel Lane nodding, see her solemn, wise expression. "Of course. You're a logical person. You like to make certain. So... what are the problems you were talking about?"

Rory shrugs, though Lane can't see her. "Mostly his family doesn't like me. And I wouldn't want to be tied down. I want to just--"

"Take a glorious bite out of the whole world?" Lane suggests.

Rory giggles. "Snow Patrol?"

"What? I'm allowed to have a few guilty pleasures, aren't I?"

"I'm not judging!" Rory assures her. "Besides, I doubt there's anyone who would deny that Take Back The City is a truly great song, though You Could Be Happy is a tad cliché. Appropriate, though, in this situation."

"That's me- a lyric for every occasion."

"Indeed."

"So... you're not sure."

Rory sighs. "Not so much unsure as..." She searches, gives up. "Unsure. I don't know. I love Logan, but something's holding me back and I don't even know what. When Zach proposed, how did you know he was it?"

"Simple," Lane replies, as if it's obvious. "I knew he was the one I wanted waiting for me at the end of the aisle." After a brief silence during which Rory digests this, Lane continues, "Look, just close your eyes and picture the church and the dress and Logan at the end of the aisle and if it feels right, it's right."

Almost as if her friend's words are a spell, Rory's eyes slide closed s she imagines it all. She can practically feel the satin of a white gown hugging her body, hear the wedding march playing as she makes her way up the aisle. In her mind, she lifts her eyes to catch a glimpse of her waiting groom and...

Rory snaps back to herself with a shock. "Oh no," she whispers, feeling her insides twist painfully. It was not Logan's winning smile and green eyes she found awaiting her at the altar.

"Rory?" Lane's voice asks.

"I have to call you back," she says stiffly, snapping her phone shut.

Only then does she allow a single tear to trace a line down her cheek. She only lets one tear fall before she wipes at her eyes and takes a calming breath to steady herself. She needs to process this. When she imagines her wedding, she can't see Logan fitting into the picture. Instead, the only person she can picture waiting for her at the end of the aisle is someone she thought was in her past.

As usual, just when she thinks she's over Jess Mariano, he insists on popping back up in her life.

It's not a total surprise, now that she really thinks about it. She was so far from over him when she got (back) together from Dean- in fact, a lot of that relationship was probably a reaction to their latest encounter. And he pops into her mind at strange moments- always has- and the thought of him has never failed to give her a secret little happy feeling, never fully acknowledged. When she visited him in Philadelphia, over a year ago now, she had to physically restrain herself to stop herself from jumping his bones on the spot. That, also, went as unacknowledged as she could make it. She sidelined her unexpectedly strong reaction to him during that visit. She lied, when she pulled away from Jess that night. She wasn't leaving because she feared hurting Logan. She was leaving because if she had gone further, if they had even kissed for just a moment longer, she wouldn't have been able to stop.

Worse, she wouldn't have been able to lie to herself any longer. Now, confronted with it rather directly, she knows what she should have realized what was as true then as it is now: she is still in love with Jess Mariano.

Oh god.

What does this mean? It's been four years, and she's had two boyfriends in the meantime. How can she possibly still have these feelings for him? Then again, though, Rory has always been very good at compartmentalizing. The only thing she's better at, in fact, is lying to herself. She did it all the time before she got together with Jess, when she was trying to deny her attraction to him. And it seems that she's been doing quite a good job of doing exactly that ever since.

Her heart is beating too fast, and she takes a few hard breaths to try and slow it down. It doesn't work. Emotions are crashing through her, tearing her in two different directions.

Pro: Logan loves her, and it's more or less reciprocal.
Con: She still loves Jess. And she loves him a whole lot more.

When she hands the ring back to Logan, she's sad. She knows she is going to miss this relationship. But there's another kind of sadness underneath it. Now that she's acknowledged it and identified its source, her memories are all echoing with it. It's been carried with her for years, and it's a kind of aching emptiness that comes from having lost something vital to her happiness. She's been okay- she's made happiness without it, but not once has she experienced true elemental joy since she was eighteen years old.

And so as she watches Logan walk away for the last time, Rory knows that she'll be okay. She's already survived worse.

When Lorelai asks how she's doing, she confesses honestly. She misses him. It hurts. She wants it to stop hurting. And when her mother assumes she's speaking exclusively of Logan, she doesn't bother to correct her. Some of it applies to Logan as well, but the majority of her confusion and hurt is coming from a different source. It's not something she really wants Lorelai to know about. It's a can of worms she doesn't want to open just now.

When the Obama campaign stops in Philadelphia, Rory debates going to visit him. She wants to see him. She wants to hear his voice. She wants to find out more about his career, she wants to talk to him about anything and everything. She wants to see that stupid smirk of his. She wants to argue about music and the merits of Lawrence Ferlinghetti as a meaningful contributor to the Beat Generation. She wanted to feel his skillful hands on every part of her body.

She doesn't go to see him. After the way she treated him the last time they saw each other, she has no right even to speak to him, let alone ask (beg) him for a second chance.

Funny. It used to be him asking for a second chance. Now it's her turn to regret their ending. Now it's her turn to wish she could rewind time and fix this so that she would never have to feel this gaping hole in her chest at all, let alone acknowledging it to herself at long last. Now she's the one alone, knowing he's sure to have moved on after her behavior last time.

Staying in her hotel room costs her a tiny piece of her sanity.

When her mother asks if she's met anyone, she says no. When Lorelai notices, on her infrequent homecomings, that her daughter looks a little thinner, a little paler, a little less vibrant, Rory blames it on the long hours of bus travel.

But that doesn't stop Lorelai from paying attention, Rory knows. She never asks, but she suspects that Lorelai blames it on the breakup with Logan. Part of her feels that Logan doesn't deserve the animosity Lorelai is surely storing up for him. The rest of her is just glad that she doesn't have to dodge any particularly probing questions. It's hard enough living her life carrying all this regret without her mother's pity.

She is so far gone. She always was, and she's beginning to fear that she always will be. One year since the end of her relationship with Logan. Five since she and Jess broke up. (She hates applying that term to what happened between them, because to her, it was less of a breakup and more of a collapse- everything just fell apart and neither of them wanted it but it happened anyway and they both ended up with broken hearts.) And yet she's still seated with these feelings that simply won't go. She could bury them, she knows. She's done it before, with Dean and with Logan. She could begin dating, find someone new to substitute for Jess, but her new policy of honesty with herself gets in the way. It would be a betrayal. She doesn't know of what, but it would be a betrayal nonetheless.

Part of her wonders if maybe she's more in love with the sorrow than with him, but on the rare occasions when he appears in her dreams, she knows that's wrong. Rory Gilmore was destined to be in love with Jess Mariano. Destiny just got tired of waiting around for her to figure it out and she's missed her last train.

It's not that she's unhappy. She's not. Her job is fulfilling and wonderful, and she's met amazing people and made new friends. Her sisterhood with Lane is still as strong as ever, despite the distance and their busy schedules. Her mother has finally worked things out with Luke and she's elated for them. It's only when she's feeling alone that the regret and sadness wash over her. The rest of the time she's able to live her life to the fullest and she enjoys the little things. She just... misses him. It's like background white noise in her life. Ever-present. Always painful. But she can shut it out.

She can.

When Paris and Doyle get married, just after the Obama campaign ends, Rory is the maid of honor. She dances with the best man, Jerry something. He is a year or two older than her, single, well-off, very attractive. They discover a mutual love of cheesy 80's horror films and spend the obligatory waltz talking animatedly. He tries to kiss her. Succeeds. Rory does not kiss back. Immediately afterwards, she abandons him on the dance floor and spends the rest of the night avoiding him.

When she gets a job as an assistant editor at the Stamford Eagle-Gazette (she's sure her previous employment has something to do with it), she's elated and she pulls out her phone and dials the first number she can think of. It's a number she has memorized. She's dialed it hundreds of times, then hung up before it even has a chance to ring. This time, though, it rings twice and then a male voice- not Jess's, possibly one of his coworkers- answers. She hangs up with a mumbled apology.

Then she calls her mother. Lorelai ought to be the first one to know.

It's four years after her graduation from Yale when her mother calls one night, giggling excitedly before she even stutters out a greeting. "Luke proposed!" Lorelai shrieks.

"What? That's amazing!" Rory congratulates her. "When? How did he do it? Was it ridiculously sappy?" She's over the moon. Probably Luke and her mother are the only two who are happier than she is just now. The two had been steadily dating since the kiss that had occurred at her graduation party, mutually agreeing to take things slow this time and not rush into anything, though it was clear to everyone but them that each was desperate to finish what they'd started so many years before.

"He made me dinner," Lorelai explains. "I mean, he does that every night, but this was super-special dinner with olive oil and candles and three courses and an extra spoon for the dessert, and the kitchen was all low-lit and stuff and he'd bought flowers and everything was so pretty and then after dinner he got down on one knee and he looked so nervous!"

"Aww, nervous Luke," Rory coos, smiling at the image. It seems like a pretty standard-issue proposal to anyone who doesn't know Lorelai Gilmore (soon to be Danes! she thinks excitedly). But Rory does know her mother, and she knows how much her mother longed for the things that seemed to come so naturally to other women. Marriage and mini-vans and the white picket fences (though all experienced with an unhealthy calorie intake and a quip for every occasion). Rory suspects that Lorelai loves that Luke proposed in such a simple, yet romantic manner.

While she's musing on her soon-to-be stepfather's proposal, Lorelai continues talking excitedly. Rory's attention is only caught when she hears her mother say, "...thought he'd ask Jess to be the best man, seeing as they're all buddy-buddy now."

"What?" Rory stutters.

Misunderstanding the cause of her surprise, Lorelai says, "Oh yeah, they talk all the time. Jess doesn't visit much- usually just a couple times every few months, and that's mostly to see his little sister- but it's pretty hysterical when he does come to town. He's grown up a lot and he's freakishly like Luke sometimes. Anybody who didn't know better would think they were father and son."

"Yeah..." Rory says softly. "I always thought so."

Something in her tone must tip Lorelai off to her distress and inner turmoil. "Rory? Sweetie?" she asks. "Is everything okay?"

"Just processing," Rory reassures her.

She didn't know Jess ever came back to Stars Hollow. Granted, she's not back as often as she'd like, but he's never once bothered to contact her when he was in town. Of course, after the way they left things, he has every right to avoid her. He has every right not to want to see her, to hate her if he wants to. She has no claim on him (though he has every claim on her, if he were to want it). And despite that knowledge, it stings that he never even called to say he was in town.

Her reply, which was intended to placate her mother, instead ignites curiosity. "You need to process the fact that Jess speaks to his family? I thought you were the one trying to convince me that he'd grown up after you saw him a few years ago!"

Rory sighs. "I know," she says. "Jess is... really something."

Lorelai must realize that this is a delicate topic, and skates on to more wedding talk. Rory tunes her out, nodding and giving an appreciative, automatic response every few minutes when Lorelai pauses for a breath. She thinks hard. Jess will be at the wedding. It makes sense. She already knew he and Luke have a fairly close relationship. And there's absolutely no way she will miss her mother's, her best friend's, wedding. Nothing could stop her from being there.

For the first time in five years, Rory Gilmore knows she will have to face the biggest regret in her life. She only hopes she'll be strong enough to go through it without doing something moronic.

VERY IMPORTANT: I have two ways I can take this. It will either be a two-parter, or I can drag it out for a few chapters. Your choice. Leave your review, tell me your opinion. One more chapter, or several?