What Hurts The Most

A Shugo Chara! Fanfic

Summary:

They've always fought. They've always been bitter enemies. They've always argued and insulted the other.

They've always loved each other and disguised it with hate.

Strictly an absurdly long one-shot. Insanity/Randomness/Weirdness of a sort is guaranteed.

Rimahiko.

What hurts the most…

She keeps it in.

He walks away.

She wishes he could tell him. She wishes he'd feel the same way. But her pride won't let her say those words, even as her heart aches and her breath comes faster and it gets harder to rein in all her emotions. It gets harder to put up her façade and stop the walls that surround her from crumbling into useless, broken pieces of bricks and cement.

Yes, it hurts, knowing you love someone but still inflicting pain on them. She's silently apologizing, wanting to take her words back, wanting to erase away all that she's done to him. He doesn't deserve it and she's aware of that. I'm so sorry…

"How are you today, Rima-chan?" he greets, that stupid smile that never fails to lift her spirits up etched on his handsome face. Which leads her to wonder, why did he have to be so perfect?

Why did she have to love him?

"Hmmph." She brushes past him, nose in the air, although inside, deep inside, she wants to say something else. She wants to return his greetings. She wants to ask forgiveness for all her insults and biting remarks which she knows cuts through him like a knife. She wants…to say she loves him.

And she wants him to reciprocate that love.

"Cold as always," he murmurs, shaking his head, watching her petite figure as it crosses through the school grounds.

"Rima-chan! Wait!" Amu yells frantically, running after the Ice Queen. Rima slows down considerably for the pinkette to catch up, but she doesn't turn.

Nagihiko wishes she would. He needs her to turn. And take notice. Because it's killing him this way, watching from a distance, knowing he can't get close to her when actually, that's all he's asking for. To at least let her know. To at least be close to her, even if it's not in the way he dreams it would be.

He sighs.

It's impossible. You can't even be her friend, he thinks bitterly.

Yes, it is difficult for them both.

What hurts the most…

Her pride will be the end of them.

His hesitation will be the end of them.

"Ne, Rima-chan, do you like Nagihiko?" Amu asks as they file paperwork away, just the two of them in the room.

The girl in question blinks in surprise and automatically blushes. "W-Why do you think that?" she demands, flustered, grabbing a stack of documents. She checks and finds out that it's to be placed on a shelf that seems too high for her. But she won't ask for any help, she never does, and so she tries to stand on tiptoes in order to reach the designated place. Amu's back is turned to her, doing something or other, not noticing that Rima is struggling, not that Rima has any plan to let her know.

Amu bites her lip, busying her hands with sorting out records. "Mmm, nothing. They say, 'the more you hate, the more you love.' So do you?"

Rima flushes, turning crimson. Add to this that she is hopping up and down. "I…"

A hand suddenly takes the stack from her and places it on the shelf. Although a little bit miffed, she looks up, thinking it is Amu. "Thank---"

The words stop as she finds herself looking up at Fujisaki Nagihiko's face. He is smirking as her mouth drops open in shock.

"No problem, Rima-chan," he says courteously.

"Ah! Nagi-kun! You're here!" Amu jumps in surprise and promptly kicks over a box. Papers fly in the air and she scrabbles for them. Nagihiko and Rima break off from their staring war to help her. When everything is neat and tidy, the purple-haired boy turns to Rima.

"So, Rima-chan, what's your answer?" he asks, displaying a set of pearly whites.

"A-answer?" She feels a sickening drop in the pit of her stomach. Had he heard…?

"I overheard you and Amu," he tells her. She frowns. How can he read her mind, just like that? How does he do it?

"Well, Rima-chan?"

"I wanna know too!" Amu exclaims, eyes lighting up.

Can she say it?

Will she say it?

No. She can't.

She can't.

"No. Why would I?" she shrugs. "I hate him." She glares at him.

Is she imagining it, or did those beautiful golden eyes of his seem sad? Did his smile slip?

But his eyes are teasing again, his smirk more pronounced on his lips. "Ouch. In denial, eh?"

She blushes, painting her cheeks a light, barely there, shade of pink. "You…you purplehead!" she screams indignantly. "Why would I be in denial? I'm not a liar!"

He flinches at the insult but recovers to stand his own ground. "Oh, really, chibi devil? So, you're implying that you secretly like me?" he teases. He's baiting her, and it's infuriating.

"I don't like you! Haven't you heard? I hate you!" she shrieks and stomps out of the room, surrounded by a dark aura.

She was terrible. She is terrible. She knows he's right, she's in denial, she likes him. But she didn't have the courage to tell him.

If only he could see through to her heart and find the truth she's desperately trying to hide.

What hurts the most…

She's lying.

He's lying.

Liars, the both of them. Perfectly good liars. Nagihiko knows that.

But his heart breaks at the memory of her hate, her angry face, her insults, and he can't help thinking that she doesn't care in the slightest for him. He can't help thinking that he should leave. That would make her happier, wouldn't it? To see him gone.

But he doesn't want to go. He has to let her know. Just because…well, just because he wants to get it off his chest.

Nagihiko also knows that he's the bigger liar between the two of them. Because he yearns for so much more than that. And yet, he can't bring himself to tell the truth, for once in his life.

Another sigh escapes his lips as he thinks of her. And he hopes that she's thinking of him too.

There's a knock on the door and he sits up on his bed. "Come in."

His mother enters. "Ah, Nagihiko. I need to talk to you about something."

"What is it, Mother?" he inquires, respectful as always.

She hands him an envelope. "Open it."

Curious, he studies her face but it gives him no idea of what it could be. He opens the envelope and slides out the letter. As he begins to read it, his chest contracts, rendering him incapable of breathing.

His mother watches as he folds the letter, smoothly, precisely, fingers trembling.

"You'll be going to America in two weeks' time," she states.

"That soon?" He's desperate, trying to find a way out of this thing.

"Yes." Her words are final, clipped and cold and clear.

"But…I…"

"Are you saying you won't go?" Her tone is accusing and so, so dangerous.

"I-I'll go."

Maybe it's better for them both this way.

What hurts the most…

She wants him to stay with her and never leave her.

He wants her to say it.

"You're leaving for America?!" Amu exclaims. "But…but why? And when?"

I should be the one saying that, Rima thinks enviously.

Nagihiko scratches his head nervously. "It's because I need to focus more on my dancing and on my responsibilities as the Fujisaki heir. I'm leaving in three days."

"WHAT??? Why didn't you tell Yaya sooner?" the brunette wails, pouting and cramming more cookies into her mouth.

"Well, um, I didn't think it was all that important."

"What about you, Mashiro-san? What do you think of this?" Tadase asks.

All heads turn to the girl who glares at them ferociously as she sets down her teacup. "Yippee. He's going at last," she says in a monotone. When all she wants is for him to say. When her heart is screaming for him not to leave her.

Nagihiko tries not to let his pain show. Her words are pure torture. Everyone can say that and he wouldn't mind. Their opinions don't matter. But Rima…Rima will always matter. Always. And that is why his heart is torn in two because he wants her to say otherwise.

The others sweatdrop nervously.

"Why thank you, Rima-chan." He forces a smile. "Rest assured, three days from now, you won't be seeing me again."

How can he say that? How can he believe her? How can he be so blind to the truth?

She forces back the tears that are building up and promises that she won't cry.

She won't cry.

"I await that day," she replies coldly.

As he gazes steadily back at her, she lets her mask slip. Just for a moment.

Because she's hoping, in that brief second, he'd see the tears that threaten to spill over, the undeniable fact that she loves him, that she needs him, that she's wishing he would listen to the whispers of her desires flowing thick and fast with the wind.

It is a futile hope.

What hurts the most…

She's hoping he sees it before it's too late.

He doesn't.

The years pass and it doesn't fade. Time does not soothe her sorrows.

Her mind goes back to the day he leaves. How he says goodbye. How her chance comes for the last time. How she doesn't take it and instead ignores him. How he stands so tall despite it all.

How he just walks away.

From her life.

From her.

Forever.

Her heart went with him a long time ago. Unknowingly, accidentally, he has taken it.

She feels empty without her heart.

She feels empty without him.

What hurts the most…

She misses him.

He misses her.

Nagihiko fingers the picture of Rima. A stolen shot, actually. One he has never regretted having.

But maybe he does regret, just a little. Because it reminds him of all he needs and all he can't have.

Everything he will never have.

The day he walks away, away from her, even though she doesn't care and doesn't know, was the most difficult thing to do. He still wonders where he got the strength. Because if he were any weaker, he wouldn't have left. He would have stayed, he would have defied his parents, he would have thrown away everything else just to stay.

Because it's harder, a bitter pill to swallow, that he's taken a route which will never touch hers.

If he had stayed, it wouldn't have hurt as much as leaving did.

On that day, his heart was wrenched out and it has clung to her ever since.

Everything is immaterial.

Everything is mundane.

She's not there.

She's not here.

She's nowhere.

Nowhere near him.

And it feels so empty.

It feels so empty.

What hurts the most…

She gave him her heart.

He gave her his.

It's spring. The flowers are blooming.

She's never felt so alone in her life, even though she's with a group, sitting on a blanket, sharing a picnic.

It's lonely because they have found their special someone.

Amu and her boyfriend, Ikuto.

Kukai and his wife, Utau.

Yaya and Tadase, an unlikely pair, but a pair nonetheless.

She's the odd one out. The third wheel.

And it makes her feel uncomfortable.

"Rima-chan, are you okay?" Amu asks, concerned.

She fakes a smile. "Of course, I am."

Her best friend doesn't look convinced but knows when to back off. She changes topics rapidly.

"I wonder how Nagihiko-kun is doing," she muses, biting sipping juice.

"I'm sure he is doing well," Tadase says. "I've heard on…"

Panic threatens to choke Rima. She tries to block them out.

Do they know?

Do they know?

Is this why they've pulled out their daggers and stabbing through her?

Is this why they've brought up the topic that can enliven and kill her at the same time?

Is this why they're talking about him?

Because they know how she truly feels, and they have to rub it into her face that she's made a mistake.

A miscalculation.

She can't take it. She can't.

"E-excuse me." Her voice is shaky. Can they hear the trembling notes? "Um, I…have to go somewhere." She stands.

"Rima-chan?"

"Where are you going, shrimp?"

"Rima's leaving Yaya! WAHH!!!"

"Are you all right, Mashiro-san?"

"Hey, Queen, what's with the face?"

"Rima, you look pale. Is something the matter?"

She forces a smile and picks up her bag. "I'm perfectly fine. I just have things to do."

Then she runs.

Just like she did back then.

What hurts the most…

She cries.

He hears.

He's back.

Hands in his pockets, looking at the city before him as if it were another world.

He's back.

Will he see her?

What will she think?

What will her reaction be?

All these questions run through his mind.

His legs take him to his favorite spot where cherry blossoms bloom. The same place where he found her all those years ago. Curled up in a ball.

He smiles. She was always so cute, always so endearing, always so beautiful.

He thinks she still is.

A sound.

But there is only silence. This place is empty, isn't it?

A sob.

His head whips around, trying to find the source.

Another sob, muffled.

He walks urgently, still searching.

"Na…"

A sniffle.

Where was all that coming from?

"Na…Nagi…Nagihiko."

He freezes.

What? Did someone just say his name?

Calm down. There are plenty of Nagihikos in Japan.

He resumes walking and the sobs feel closer.

He stands in an area beneath a cherry blossom tree and sees no one, although this is where the crying is loudest.

Was his brain playing tricks on him?

He turns.

"Nagihiko…"

He stiffens. Then he turns around and looks at the ground.

A ball. Something curled up into itself. And a curtain of wavy, golden locks, the familiar black ribbon sending signals to him.

He chuckles. She has never gotten rid of that charming habit of hers.

He squats down beside the ball, which does not seem to notice him.

"Crocodile tears again?" he teases lightly.

The face jerks up, the eyes sad, the mouth frowning. The expression…it could only be described as lost.

She stares at him. Taking in the long, purple hair, the golden eyes she has missed so much, the breathtaking face that is his and his alone.

His heart beats. He was not mistaken.

"Hello, Rima-chan."

She flushes.

"C-crossdresser," she mutters.

He smiles. "Aww, don't be like that. We've only just met."

Her face reverts to its frigid mask, although she wants to hug him, kiss him, tell him… "And that pleases me how…?"

He chuckles. "Cold as ever, I see. My Rima-chan hasn't changed at all."

"I'm not yours!" she snaps, although she is thrilled.

Her heart is slowly, slowly coming back.

But it might get ripped out again.

He stands, a grin still on his face. She follows suit.

"You're still tiny."

"You're still girly."

He frowns.

"Chibi devil."

"Purplehead."

He looks at her.

And then, against his logic, against his reasoning, he reaches out to her and swiftly holds her in his arms.

She is shocked, staring at the navy blue of his shirt, enveloped in his warmth, intoxicated with his scent, feeling the happiest she's ever felt in a long, long time.

"I've missed you."

The words leave his mouth with permission.

She looks up at him and he braces himself for her reaction.

"So you're saying you like me?" She raises an eyebrow up at him and he wonders why she's not struggling to get away from him like she always does.

"No."

Her heart.

It is shattering.

Into a million pieces, right in front of her.

She wants to cry but no, not in front of him. She tries to push him away but he holds her still.

"Rima."

She swallows. She misses his voice but she won't admit it.

"Look at me," he pleads.

She turns her face away.

He grasps her face and forces her to look at him. She blinks.

"I'm trying to say that I love you," he breathes.

What…what is he saying? This…this cannot be.

"You're lying," she says flatly. And it hurts to say it. The very thought scars her.

His expression is pained. "I am not lying."

"Right."

"But it's the truth."

"Whatever, Fujisaki."

"Rima!"

"Just let me go."

He emits a growl of frustration. She's still stubborn. She still doesn't trust him. She still won't believe him.

And so he does what he has to do.

He kisses her.

When he pulls away, he sees that her usually creamy cheeks are on fire.

"I love you, Rima. It's…it's fine if you don't."

He looks down at his feet and lets her go.

The sight of him about to walk away is enough to snap Rima out of her senses.

How dare he say he loves her and then leave? How dare he?

"Nagihiko!" She clutches his shirt and pulls him back. "I will not allow you to go again!" she practically yells, unable to contain her emotions anymore. "I will not allow you to leave like you did three years ago! God, do you know how much it hurts, how much it broke me when you left?! Do you know how much I missed you?!" Tears begin streaming down her face. "Do you even have any idea just how much I love you?!"

He is surprised at her outburst. Rima lets go of his shirt, her body wracked by crying so much. Three years' of heartbreak, flowing out and over the dams. Nothing, and no one, could keep them in anymore.

His lips curve up into a grin. "Silly girl," he murmurs. Then he suddenly wraps his hands around her waist and raises her.

"H-hey!" She beats at him. "Put me down!"

He laughs. "Did the chibi devil just say that she loves me?"

Her tear-stricken face is red.

His eyes soften. "I love you too. I wish I told you sooner."

He kisses her again and this time, she kisses him back.

"Rima-chan! Where are you?"

"Mashiro-san!"

"Where's the shrimp hiding?"

"RIMA-CHAN! WHY DID YOU LEAVE YAYA ALONE?!"

"Where did she run off to?"

"E-eh? Is that Nagi-kun?"

Nagihiko and Rima pay no attention to their friends' calls.

They continue looking at each other, their hearts fused as one, the cherry blossoms swirling down to rest at their feet.

What hurts the most…

She loves him.

He loves her.

And that's all that matters.

Hey. So I'm not new to FFnet, but I am new to this fandom. If I committed any mistakes, please do let me know.

I hope you enjoyed it.

Godspeed,

~troubadour12~