This is the randomest thing I've ever written. It was fun though :)

Kurt has taken on the role of an older Hit Girl (Hit Boy), with Burt as Big Daddy and Finn as Kick-Ass. The characters aren't exactly the same as they are in Glee or Kick-Ass, but whatever. This is just how it played out in my head. And it's all from Finn/Kick-Ass' POV.

Just to set the scene – Finn is hiding out at the Hummel's home for reasons I haven't decided yet. I'm thinking maybe after that scene in the movie when Kick-Ass goes to that apartment to tell that guy to stay away from Katie and almost gets killed until Hit Girl (or should I say, Hit Boy) saves him in the coolest, most violent way imaginable. Instead of going to his house, he's forced to hide out with the Hummels, for some reason. I don't know, I haven't really figured out this back-story yet. It was just a random one-shot when it popped into my brainbox.

Rated M for strong lanugage and implied sexy times. All of which is said by Kurt, which I must say is fantastic.

Neither Glee nor Kick-Ass belong to me. Unfortunatly.

Please, please, please review the pants off this. If I get enough positive feedback I may write a sequal of some kind :D

The house really wasn't what I expected. It all looked so... normal and, dare I say it... nice. Not exactly the cool superhero secret lair I was expecting. The normality made it more unnerving than it probably should have been.

Mr. Hummel set a bed up for me in the spare room, and Kurt cleaned my wounds up for me. He tutted and rolled his eyes every time I flinched from the pain.

"Y'know, someone as stupid as you are, and as big a fucking pussy as you are really shouldn't be doing shit like this," he said. "You're lucky to be to be alive."

"Kurt," said Mr. Hummel, warningly. "Please try showing a little hospitality."

Kurt just scowled as he finished cleaning me up. "Whatever."

He had such a beautiful and surprising voice. Beautiful because it was so soft and high and velvety. Surprising because he swore so much, and even then he managed to make it all sound beautiful. I couldn't believe that the first thing I ever heard him say was "Okay, you cunts, let's see what you can do now."

He was so little and he looked no older than about twelve, even though he was around the same age as me. You could've mistaken him for being like, a choirboy or something. So hearing him say that, shortly before killing everyone in the room – chopping a guy's leg off at one point – was just totally freaking mind-blowing. I mean, it was cool that he was saving my life and stuff, but still.

Everything about Kurt, also known as Hit Boy, fascinated me. I hadn't been this instantly obsessed with someone since I first saw Quinn Frabray in her Cheerios uniform.

Later that night, I went downstairs to get something to drink, when I heard singing coming from the basement, which just so happened to be Kurt's room. I wasn't sure why his bedroom was in the basement, but whatever. I snuck down the steps to get a closer look, my curiosity getting the better of me. I really should stop acting on my curiosity; it never seemed to end well. But I wasn't thinking about the consequences just then. I was totally hypnotized by this singing.

Kurt was sitting at a desk, listening to his iPod and singing along to some song that sounded like it was on Broadway or something, and I guessed from the high notes that it was probably meant to be sung by a girl. But it didn't matter though. His voice was so amazing. It was seriously like, the voice of an angel. Although, the fact that he was sharpening a knife at the same time kind of made him seem a little less angelic.

"...kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity, and you won't bring me down!"

I lost myself in his voice. Who'd have thought that this kid, who was a foul-mouthed killing machine, would have such a beautiful singing voice? It was like one of those voices that could make the biggest hard-ass burst into tears, or put a smile on the face of the most depressed emo kid. At the end he hit this killer high note that actually made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

When he finished, he paused for a second before taking his headphones off. He ran his finger along the blade of his knife and said "If you value your balls, Finn, I suggest you learn to respect people's privacy."

"S-sorry," I stuttered. How did he know I was there? He wasn't even looking at me.

"So is there anything you actually wanted?" he asked, suddenly glaring at me. "Or did you just want to stand there, staring at me like a fucking retard?"

"Oh, erm..." I mumbled. "I just wanted to listen to you sing. You have a really awesome voice."

"I know," he said, as if I'd just told him that two plus two equalled four. "Look, while you're here, you might as well sit down. Your freakishly tall form is making the room look untidy."

I took a seat at the edge of his king sized bed and looked around the room. Just like the rest of the house, it really wasn't anything like I expected. I'm not entirely sure what it was that I expected exactly, but it wasn't anything nearly this... ordinary. The place was huge, and the walls were painted white, with a few pictures stuck up here and there that looked like they were cut out of magazines. Everything was really neat and tidy, and the closet door was slightly ajar, revealing crazy amounts of clothes that looked as if they had all been colour coordinated. On the nightstand was a framed photo of Kurt when he was much younger (I could tell it was him as he looked almost exactly the same now, just taller and a lot less cheerful), with his Dad and a really pretty woman with long brown hair and exactly the same bluey-green eyes as Kurt, who I assumed must have been his Mom.

In fact, the only thing that looked kind of weird was the life-sized rubber mannequin at the other end of the room of a full grown man, about 6"3, which looked kind of worse for wear and had lots of little holes in it. I had to admit, that did kind of freak me out a little.

I looked over at Kurt again. He was sitting with his legs crossed, still examining his knife. He looked so hot, but I didn't want to stare and the silence was kind of making me nervous.

"That's erm, a really cool knife," I said awkwardly.

"If you must know, it's a bench-made model 42 butterfly knife," he drawled without looking at me. "Dad bought me a pair for my eleventh birthday."

He got up off his chair, still not looking at me, and stood in front of that mannequin, flipping the knife in and out of its cool handle thing with a slightly bored expression on his face.

"They're an exact replica of the ones my Mother used to have," he said, although it sounded more like he was talking to himself. "She could hit some shithead right in the jugular from ten feet away."

Suddenly, he threw the knife at the mannequin, hitting it right in the neck. He smiled and picked up the other knife.

"Dad says that I take after her," he said, still smiling in a way that was both gorgeous and a little scary. "We both have an incredibly accurate aim. I remember the first time I ever got a groin shot. I got the fucker right in the baby-maker."

He threw the other knife and hit the mannequin right between the legs, and I couldn't help but flinch. I actually kind of felt that.

"Dad was so proud," he said. "The next day, he let me take a break from training and took me to the mall to buy me this gorgeous Marc Jacobs jacket that I'd had my eye on for ages. And then the first time I got some fucker in the jugular, Dad took me to go see Wicked on Broadway, which was totally awesome."

He smiled fondly, as if he was talking about something perfectly normal. You'd think he was reminiscing about scoring his first touchdown or getting a really good grade in a test. As hot as Kurt very clearly was, he totally scared the crap out of me.

He went over to the mannequin and pulled the knives out, before standing where he was before and throwing them again. This time they both hit it right in the chest. I have no idea what came over me then, but suddenly I just couldn't stop myself from asking something that I really, really shouldn't have said. Especially since Kurt was practicing throwing knives at the time. I really need some kind of impulse control.

"Hey, Kurt, erm... I was wondering if, y'know, if you're not doing anything during the weekend, maybe we could go out or something."

He looked at me after pulling the knives out of the mannequin again.

"Are you asking me out on a date?" he asked with one eyebrow raised. He flipped his knives closed and put them back in the fancy looking box on the desk, before sitting back down.

"Yeah, I guess," I said. "I mean, I wouldn't be like, offended or anything I you say no..."

"Oh, good," he interrupted. "Because I'm saying no."

"Huh?" I was kind of expecting to get rejected, just not this quickly.

"Not that I really would have given a shit about offending you," he said. "But I suppose this makes me seem like a little less of a bitch."

"But..." I started. "But, why...?"

"Why am I turning you down?" Kurt offered.

I nodded.

"Look, Finn," he said, crossing his legs and folding his arms. "You're cute and you're really sweet and everything. I mean, yeah, you're kind of slow and a bit of a pussy and you really fucking fail at being a superhero. But you are really sweet. However, as much as I can understand your desire to get all up on this, I have no intention of becoming romantically involved with you or anyone else."

"Oh," was all I could say. I felt like such an idiot.

Suddenly, Kurt stood up again, smirking at me in a way that would have been totally sexy if it didn't worry me so much. He walked over to me and, quite surprisingly, sat on my lap, running his fingers through the hair on the nape of my neck. His face was really close to mine (he was even hotter close up) and I was willing my body not to react too much to this.

"I really can't be dealing with any distractions right now, Finn," he said sweetly with his eyes all big. He was really good at looking innocent. "Which is a shame, really."

He got even closer to me, and as he whispered I could feel his lips grazing my ear. I couldn't help but shiver.

"Because," he continued slowly, practically purring. "I totally would have let you fuck my tight, virgin asshole until I screamed your name."

Oh. My. God. I was kind of surprised when I didn't immediately come in my pants after he said that.

"But I think your cock in my ass would sort of count as a distraction," he said with an evil smirk. "That, and the fact that my Dad would probably go totally ape-shit, rip your balls off and shove them down your throat if he ever found out how much you were dying to fuck my brains out."

I shuddered, mainly because I knew he wasn't kidding about his Dad, but also because he'd shifted on my lap so that his ass was rubbing against my crotch. These were very confusing feelings to have at the same time.

"If you don't want to... go out with me and stuff," I said. "How come you're sitting on my lap?"

Kurt's smirk got even bigger and eviler. He took hold of my chin to turn my face towards him, before leaning in and kissing me passionately, gently biting my lower lip. When he pulled away it took a second for me get out of the kind of trance that that kiss put me in. Once I felt a little less dazed, I looked up at Kurt. He looked triumphant.

"You're really cute, Finn," he said. "In a Special Ed. kind of way. And it's fun driving you wild with hormone-addled lust. I just love being a complete and utter cock-tease."

His gaze drifted downwards for a second, towards the steadily growing hard on pressing again his thigh. Damn it.

"Down boy," he giggled seductively, with pretend surprise. "I'm not that kind of guy."

He got up off my lap, leaving me to sit there, totally shell-shocked.

Of all the people in the world, why had I fallen for him? I shouldn't be anywhere near this psychopath. I couldn't even really think of any ways of describing Kurt other than 'scary', 'sadistic' and 'totally fucked up'.

But, goddamn, I wanted this scary, sadistic and totally fucked up little superhero so bad.

Wow, I sure can pick them.

So... what did you think?
Please review, my Humble Readers. I'll be you best friend... :)

xxx

P.S. How cool is badass Kurt, aka Hit Boy? I can't imagine the actual Kurt saying any of this, which is why I found writing it so amusing XD