~~~~~THIS HAS BEEN BETAED BY JASPERBELLS~~~~~

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Twilight, if I did Alec, Jasper and Jacob would be mine, while Emmett is my big brother! And Aro, Caius and Marcus would be my uncles/daddys! I mean who doesn't want the Kings of the Vampire World love you like your close family?

SUMMERY: I hated Pedro for marrying the love of his life's sister; I vowed never to be him. Now here I am, turning into him just so I can stay near the love of my life. My secret love; but I can't have him, not until I am worth it, not until I am his equal, someone he can be proud of calling mate. JasperxBella

WARNING: Language, lots of angst, forbidden love, maybe OOC, depending on your view. JasperxBella is the final pairing and POV switching...maybe or just 3rd person next chapter. not sure. I MADE REFERENCES! LOOK TO THE END FOR EXPLANATIONS! Some I didn't add because they are obvious like Greek Mythology, Ares, God of War.

Moon says: Hey guys! Sorry, I've been addicted to JxB fanfiction and wanted to write my own! Here we go!

Words: 9, 934

Pages: 22

ENJOY!

Worth It

Chapter 1

One would think after I told them about my screwed up love life, that I was a slut or something similar. Is it really that wrong for you to be in love with your boyfriend's brother and your best friend's mate?

I had a forbidden love, and I was sure no one knew of it. Well…maybe the object of my love, but that is only because he could sense my emotions. It didn't take a genius to figure it out with all the slip ups I had. And that man was a fucking genius.

And a God of War…no religious intent of course; see I believed in God and heaven, and so for me there was an only one God. When I called my secret love that, it wasn't saying that he was Ares (though that was a nickname I had for him). I didn't think he had powers like that or I should worship him, none of that, I was a one God woman. The title was useless, like a CEO's title.

I'm probably not making sense. Let me go back to the beginning then: when I first entered the cafeteria on my first day of school at Forks High School. Everyone thought it was Edward that I was mesmerized by, oh how wrong they were.

It was the blonde, the honey blonde that was sitting by the pixie girl that caught and never gave my attention back. I should have known, but I only figured it out later. It was love at first sight, something that I never believed in. Or really it was attraction by first sight, seeing as I didn't fall in love with him until later in that hotel room.

Everything about him drew me in; his eyes, his hair, his body, everything. None of the others appealed to me, maybe the bronze one, but the blonde seem to make their beauty and presence disappear.

What I learned next broke my heart slightly, and when he looked at me, it changed everything. I somehow knew he knew. The look in his eyes told me that he knew of my sadness; but I knew that he didn't know what caused it.

Jasper Hale, his first name fit him, but his last name? It didn't and later I realized how right I was. Whitlock fit so much more; it was like a snug pair of jeans….something he always wore and something that could turn me on if I wasn't watching myself.

I had thought I was always careful, that I had hidden my attraction to him, and later my love. But every now and then I would catch a look from him that would make me unsure that I was the only one who knew. Thank God that Edward couldn't read my mind. After I had learned that my thoughts reflected my emotions, I didn't need that gift anymore. I blocked my thoughts, and thus my feelings of the blonde God of War.

Sometimes I couldn't take it; sometimes I just wish I could have him. Those times I hated Alice and Edward with a passion that I seldom had. At first it was a struggle to keep my emotions in check, but once I learned of his gift, I had relentlessly pushed myself into making sure that I could control myself.

Jasper was amazing, he was sweet, kind, and I knew he cared for me. That last hurt so much. Those chess games we had were the closest to heaven as I could get, every moment we had was. It made me mad whenever Edward would start off on his lack of control. How dare he? In those moments I hated Edward, not only because he insulted Jasper, but because his words hurt my secret love emotionally.

I had only asked to stay with Jasper once, and because of what happened I never asked again. Edward was very adamant against it, and I saw the look on my blonde's face and I grew so angry. I should have thought about what it would do to Jasper, since he could feel my emotions, but I didn't.

"Edward I am so fucking sick of you acting like you're so freaking superior. Did you ever wonder exactly why Jasper has bloodlust problems? He lives with six freaking vampires who experience it!" I said in a low cold voice that a few of my vampire coven flinched; at this my voice went even lower. "And add to that, his own, even the most controlled vampire couldn't handle it. How many times has he slipped up? How many times has he tried to attack me? Edward, Jasper is family; he loves me just as much as everyone else. He wouldn't attack me no more than Rosalie…."

I stopped as I realized who I just compared him to. "Maybe not Rosalie, since she hates me, so let's compare Emmett. Emmett is a big fluffy teddy bear. He wouldn't hurt me, and Jasper wouldn't either." My face went close to his and I hissed my next words at him. "Next time you judge Jasper, try to think about what he is feeling first."

It wasn't until I stormed out of the house and into my car, did I realize how angry I was. If I was a vampire, I would have torn my car door off without a second glance. Once in the truck, I just sat there while I tried to calm down, but I couldn't. I had kept inside all of the shit I had put up with Edward buried inside of me and him going off on Jasper just made me snap. All my control was gone…horror consumed me. Did Jasper feel love coming from me when I spoke of him? If he did…everything was undone.

I was going to have to stop seeing them. I had known the consequences of my actions when I decided to be with Edward. I was settling and I knew it. Dad had always told me when we were shoe shopping that you don't settle. And here I was doing it; I wanted Jasper but I couldn't have him, so I went with the next best thing. And I was suffering so much for it. I tried to hide it so well, but now Jasper no doubt knew.

This reminded me of the Rosaura, Pedro, and Tita love triangle. I was Pedro, Edward was Rosaura and Tita was Jasper. In a way it could be reversed, with me being Tita, and Pedro being Jasper. I wanted Jasper just like Tita wanted Pedro, but she couldn't have him. But I was Pedro in a way, settling just to be near the love of my life by marrying someone else; a sibling of my love. I prayed I wouldn't ever go that far. (1)

But people do crazy things when they are in love, right Meg and Hercules? (2)

Love….such a small thing that could destroy everything. If the Cullen Coven knew I was in love with Jasper and not Edward, then that knowledge could and would tear the whole family apart. A part of me didn't care that it would destroy Alice or Edward; but if I hurt those two I would hurt Esme. In the end, the part that won was the one that didn't want to hurt any of them.

When I cranked up the car and started to drive away, I realized that I was crying. You can't drive while you're crying. I got maybe fifty feet before someone was moving me over into the passenger seat.

My mind didn't register what was happening until I stopped crying; and I didn't stop until what felt like hours. I was in someone's cold arms, my face buried in their chest. A hand was rubbing circles on my back and a voice, a male, telling me that everything was going to be okay.

I knew that voice, it was my secret love's voice, and he was whispering things in my ear, things I had craved to hear. But I knew this wasn't real, the only reason he wanted me to calm down was because it was hurting him.

My emotions were crippling him; I was being a burden to him.

I forced myself to be calm; I took deep breathes, and made myself stop crying. With my secret, I had to be able to change emotions, thoughts, and actions in a blink of an eye. The only problem now, was that he was holding me.

It took a few minutes longer than I wanted, but I finally got myself under control, my mind and emotions were blank and I pulled away from his arms. I slid away from him, and stared out the window.

I heard a noise that I couldn't identify, though if I had to take a guess it was like one of those cries I let loose when I let myself feel the loss and sorrow of not having him. But he wouldn't be feeling that, he had Alice. That meant I was projecting, damn, I forced myself to become even more emotionless. I felt nothing. And for once, it didn't feel like a relief.

"Bella…" he whispered, how I shivered when he said my name. It was a mix between a plea and something else. "Don't close yourself off from me…"

I turned to look at him now. My eyes seem to make him sad, so I put up a hand to stop him from thinking, feeling, and talking. I knew that if I let myself feel, then I would have wanted to hurt myself for making him feel bad about what had happened. No doubt he thought I was crying because I had just told off Edward, and missed him, that I regretted doing it. He probably thought that he was it, that it was his fault for me feeling so broken.

Idiot, I did this to myself. I would be the cause of my own death; and in the end I was. But then I knew I should have stopped feeling for Jasper before it got serious, but I couldn't stop. And now I was facing the consequences.

"I'm closing myself off because I'm hurting you." I told him, as I turned to look out the window, we were in my driveway. "My emotions were all over the place, that must have hurt, and for that I'm sorry." I looked back at him again.

He stared at me with those beautiful black eyes; it seemed that my emotional feast affected him like I thought it would. Then something changed; a flicker of something that made my heart beat faster. I didn't realize what it was, but something inside of me did.

My blond fallen angel chuckled. "You have no self preservation at all. You know how I am, yet you defend me, go off on Edward so bad that it hurts you, and now you're still trying to…" he paused, as if he was trying to find a word to describe what I was doing.

I laughed, it startled him. "There is no word Jasper, you're not going to find one. It's too complicated. Thank you for what you did," I said as I waved my hand between us. He knew that I just thanked him for coming after me and helping me calm down.

"You're welcome, princess." Jasper said with a smirk on his lips. My eyes narrowed, he knew I hated that word, and knew I hated what it meant. He knew more than anyone that I hated when his family pampered me like I was some pet. And he teased me for it, though I knew he didn't approve of what they were doing. My cowboy and Rosalie were the only ones who treated me like I should be treated, normal.

That just made me care for him even more, that he could tell that I hated it, yet Edward, who was supposed to love me more than anything, couldn't.

I opened the truck door and got out, but before I closed it, I stopped.

Another pang of sadness; I wished so much that he was the one I could openly say I love you to. I covered it up quickly, but not quickly enough.

"Little one?" he asked softly, as he looked at me with eyes full of worry and concern. That just hurt more, but I stopped the pain from hitting me. It could after when he wasn't close by. I had my own pain mix that I hated and loved. It was so unique; it was everything I felt about the situation with Jasper. My guilt, happiness, sorrow, love, sadness, everything and anything one could feel was in there.

I needed something, anything to distract him from what he felt. I didn't need his questions. Then it hit me, my birthday was tomorrow. That was why they were hunting today.

Alice…another pang of my pain mix, it must have reached my eyes because his hand reached toward me.

"So, tell me, what is Alice doing tomorrow?"

He stopped his hand, and a look flashed in his eyes, one that I knew all too well. It's the same one that I saw when I looked in the mirror when I thought of Edward, but why did he have when I mentioned Alice?

Jasper could hide just as well as I could, even better. "She's actually planning a party."

I groaned and he chuckled at my distress, I let that through. "That is so going to be a disaster; watch me doing something stupid," then I muttered low enough I wasn't sure he could hear me, "and they leave."

He had the grace to not look like he heard it, but maybe he didn't. Good, I hoped it was the latter.

How like Alice I was in that moment, predicting what was to come; if I had known I wouldn't have gone, I wouldn't have did something to hurt my love or make him leave. I had no idea how much I loved him until he left.

I loved Jasper and by the time I realized that little fact, it was too late. I was already in too deep with Edward. Not that it stopped me from wanting Jasper, from loving him like I should have loved and wanted Edward.

But how could I have loved Edward or wanted him when Jasper was right in front of me? There were two people I knew I could never live without: the two guys that held some part of my soul.

My thoughts are so jumbled, I can't really place them. One time it's me seeing Jasper for the first time, or maybe those chess matches that I always lost, or when I realized that I had fallen in love with my best friend's mate and my boyfriend's brother.

We were in that hotel room, Alice, Jasper, and I. Alice was off getting me something, and he was sitting on the edge of the bed looking at me and telling me I was worth it. I wanted to laugh at him, tell him that he didn't know my secret, why all this was ripping me apart. I wanted him, not Edward, who was getting chased by James trying to save my life.

After another dose of my emotions, that I couldn't control. He seeped honestly inside me and told me again, that I was worth it. The look in his eyes was enough to convince me of the truth of his emotions.

I knew my eyes widened, I was very surprised that he said something like this to me. The man, no vampire, I loved, told me I was worth risking his immortal life over; that if it came to it he would die for me. Acceptance, he accepted me, and he cared for me most of all.

After all these months of wanting him, but thinking that I could never have him, that pain disappeared and I was happy. In that moment my mind connected the thoughts that revolved around Jasper. The feelings that had been developed and refined helped me realize just what was the center and strongest emotion I felt for him.

Love.

I was screwed, I knew it. I was too far in either way and I wasn't sure I wanted to get out. On one hand, I wanted just to grab Jasper and run off with him, but the other part, the one that was attached dutifully to Edward, made me stop and think and guilt rose in my chest again.

Jasper didn't understand what was happening. One second I was happy, and then I had become depressed and buried under all these negative emotions. Jasper took my hand and calm, acceptance and affection was sent from him to me. The happiness I felt before thinking of my two dilemmas came back. A sliver of hope also rose in my heart, my mind thought that maybe he did feel what I felt.

Alice came back in the room and that small sliver of hope died just as quick as it had come. The happiness died as well and I just turned over and tried to sleep, but it didn't work.

It was then that I knew I would never be with the soul that I loved and it hurt like I was being tortured in Hell...though I've never been there of course, and I'm not going there. It was what I imagined Hell to feel like.

Alice…Edward…all the guilt and sorrow tried to consume me when I thought of them. How I was betraying them by loving Jasper; but I couldn't help it. I was always told that you couldn't help who you fell in love with. But you could help who you strung along.

When we were in the airport I knew I needed to get away; I had to meet James, but then there was Alice and her damn gift! I had to get around it…how to escape and get lost in an airport?

Get lost…I got lost when I came with Renee one time. The bathrooms are doubled sided…Jasper.

Quickly I got him to agree to go with me, making up some story I don't remember. When we passed the bathroom, my plan went into action. Just as I was about to go in, I began to comprehend that this was the last time I was going to see him. Should I tell him I loved him? Or should I kiss him, something I had wanted to do for so long?

In the end my hesitation brought me to his attention.

"Bella?"

I turned around and faced him; my eyes sad, but determined. He didn't know what to make of me, I didn't have him a chance to try and figure out either. If anyone could deduce what I was going to do, it was Jasper. The blonde always seem to read me so well.

I stepped toward him, hugged him and whispered in his ear, "Thank you for everything."

He slowly hugged me back, "You're welcome." I knew he thought about the hotel room scene and the calm he was pushing toward me.

Before I pulled back, I told him softly, "You're more than worth it Jasper."

Then I turned around quickly and went into the bathroom where he couldn't follow. I had no time to see what my words did to him, I ran with everything I had. I had little time before Alice saw me and my plan.

I heard him cry my name as he came into the studio, seconds behind him was Edward and maybe the others. When I asked later who had killed James, Alice told me that Jasper and Edward were the fastest and got there first. Edward went to me and Jasper killed James.

So many things had happened since then that had me loving Jasper even more, little things that he did here and there. Sometimes he was a big brother, other a best friend, and sometimes I had a ghostly feeling that for a few minutes when we were together, it was like Edward and I, like lovers.

But it never lasted long. I told Jasper many things between the time we got back to Forks and the night before the wedding; he had become my best friend, other than Jacob of course. Jacob had always been the brother I never had, the one that you felt soul deep with, maybe a twin. That kid could read me like there was no tomorrow, even with my mask, very few could get hints as to what I was feeling. Him and Jasper….what was it about them that let them see past it? Was it my love for them? My absolute trust of them?

That trust with Jasper didn't extend into the whole situation of my love with him.

Jacob took me out of my depression like any brother would. We ended up fighting; he pinned me down and demanded I tell them everything. He confronted me about my situation with Edward, I told him I didn't love him, I told him it was Jasper, not Edward that broke me.

After I told him everything, it started my integration into the pack. It took me a few months; and after we told Billy what happened, Jacob's change came quickly. Jacob protected me against the pack, and even though he hated being Alpha, he did it for me, and the rest of my La Push family loved him for it. Especially the girls; they didn't want to be alone, they needed all the female wolf girls they could get, even one that was a once vampire girl show. Because of the pack's ability to read each other's mind, they knew my situation; it finally felt damn good not to hide anything. Finally someone knew the secret that had been tearing me apart inside.

They didn't judge me, Leah actually became like a close sister. Our situations were similar; we couldn't be with the man we loved, because someone else had him. There were different circumstances of course, but it was close enough for us. Seth was that little brother that annoys you, but loves you more than anything. The rest of the pack became my big brothers, ones that loved me just like their own flesh and blood.

When Victoria came back, I spent so much time in La Push, I was thinking about moving there, but it wasn't until after Laurent attacked and Harry died, that I convinced my dad to move. Sue knew what happened and took us in. We sold the house, moved to La Push, and a few months later, Sue and dad married.

Greif drives you to do many things. Guilt does a heck of a lot too.

Something had happened and Jacob couldn't take me cliff diving like he promised, Leah and Embry were coming instead, but I didn't wait for them. I guess my scream made them all come running, those nearby to hear it.

I didn't even look at the weather, something deep inside wanted me to jump, and that was what I did. I didn't even care what or who it was that told me to, I just did it.

Drowning…I was so scared, the waves were hitting me so hard. I fought, but when my head hit the cliff under the water; I lost the will. My mind flashed to Jasper, how I would always be unhappy because deep down I knew I couldn't live without him. I finally acknowledged something that I had been refusing to even think about. It was all over, I was never going to see them again, and Jasper was permanently gone. My love would never be with me again, I would never tell him my feelings. A part of me wanted to die and regret coursed unyielding within me.

Before it could consume me, something jerked me and soon I was above water, getting hit in the chest. Want to say ow?

Jacob had saved me yet again. Leah had my head in her lap and Embry was on my other side in the sand.

"Bella, can you hear me?" Jacob desperately asked me. "Come on baby, say something."

I replied with a single soft, horse ow.

Jacob laughed, pulled me from Leah's lap and hugged me until I was pulled away from him before he crushed me. Then Leah, who saved me from him, crushed me too; Embry ended up grabbing me and running off with my body.

"EMBRY! BRING HER BACK HERE!"

"NO!" Embry cried in a villain's voice. "I'M KIDNAPPING HER BEFORE YOU TWO KILL HER! THAT'S MY JOB!" then he inserted his evil villain laugh.

I laughed and he smirked down at me as we ran to Sue's house, which was now mine. I got chewed out about not paying attention and being stupid, (once again, nothing new there) then they loved me again.

I did sneak out a few hours after my nap and go into town. I had to pass by my old house before I got into town and what I saw caught me unaware.

The Cullens were back. I refused to let hope flurry back into my chest at the thought that Jasper wanted me and was coming to save me from dying of heartbreak. Or something similar. I reined in my emotions and set my mask back in place, the one that I had made even stronger since they left me.

It turned out to be Alice. She came out when she heard my truck stop and was amazed that I was alive.

My eyes narrowed at her as she told me of her vision. Edward was a fucking liar. That's just what he needed; me adding more shit to the 'No Edward' list.

"Bella? Explain!" Alice demanded as she came closer, but stopped when she smelt something horrible. "What is that Go—" she stopped when she remembered I didn't like her saying God unless she believed in him, well really, I didn't like cursing or using his name in vain if I could help it. "What is that really awful smell? Wet dog?"

I didn't respond, instead I pulled out my cell phone and called Jake.

"Bells? Where are you, you were at the house….where did Embry take you?" Jacob asked breathlessly, and I heard Leah in the background wanting to talk to me. The idiots were fighting over the phone.

I shook my head at them. "You two are such children."

"Ah, but you love us so much!"

I rolled my eyes. "Jake this is serious, pack serious."

Jacob went into Alpha mode. "Do you sense them?"

For some reason I had this weird sense, like my vampy sense would tingle and I knew a leech was nearby. I guess my guard was down, I didn't sense Alice.

"No, but I'm looking at one right now." I informed him calmly and he waited; he knew me and if I wasn't reacting then it wasn't serious. "Before you ask, it's Alice and Alice only."

She nodded like I was asking her by telling Jacob. Idiot, I knew there weren't any around now that I was focusing.

"What does the leech want?"

"Wanting to know why on earth I'm alive." I replied casually. "She saw me jumping off a cliff and drowning."

"We pulled you out," Jacob responded quickly.

"I know Jake, which only means she can't see you." A smirk played on my lips, "oh that changes things now."

Jake knew that one of my biggest obstacles was Alice and her visions, but if I could make her blind, then I could do something about my Jasper problem. He didn't say anything, none of the pack liked what I loved, but they couldn't say anything considering they were shape shifters and I was one of them, and they loved me of course!

Before either of us could answer the phone in the house rang.

"Why is that phone ringing? Didn't you disconnect the line?" Jacob questioned as I went inside the house. "Oh shit, don't tell me…please don't let it be true." My pack brother whimpered as I picked up the phone.

"Quil's grandma is dead? How could old Bella be dead?"

"Who's dead?" Alice called out confused as she got closer to me. "Bella's dead?"

I put my ear to the house phone and answered it, but the line was dead. I hung up and shrugged and made a note to cut the service off later.

"Jacob, how's Quil doing?" I asked him, my voice went soft.

Neither of us knew old Bella much, but we loved her like she was our grandmother.

Jacob sighed and sadness swept through his voice. "Quil's no doubt taking it hard."

I groaned. "He'll change soon, you know that. When you're grieving you most commonly lash out in anger."

We had all wanted to spare him this, but now that Alice was back, even for a short time, he was going to change. Damn it!

"Change? Bella what is going on? Tell me now," Alice ordered before her phone went off.

"Rose…you what? Why the hell did you do that?" Alice's angry voice trailed off and I saw the look in her eyes, she was having a vision.

"Oh God," she moaned, forgetting I was there. "Damn Edward! Damn Rose!"

I growled, I was getting annoyed with her cryptic-ness, I wanted to know what was going on.

I grabbed her shoulders and shook her; the phone was forgotten on the counter. "Alice, what is going on?"

"Edward is going to the Volturi to kill himself because he thinks you're dead. Rose told him of my vision; no doubt he just called and heard me say Bella's dead."

I heard Jacob laugh and that shook me out of my shock. I grab the phone quickly and walked out of the house. Hoping it was out of her range; probably would be since she wasn't exactly 'here' in the first place.

"Funny?"

"Yeah it's damn funny, considering how the situation really is. But I won't say anything, what are you going to do? No doubt that bloodsucker next to you wants you to go save Eddie boy." He snorted at the end.

It was my fault we were in this mess; my fault that Edward was that deep in love with me that he wanted to kill himself over my death. Considering he left me…he must have lied to me. Why, to protect me? That fool, all he ever did was label me as a fragile damsel in distress.

"It's my fault and you know it Jake," I whispered. "I have to fix it."

Jacob was quite for a few seconds. "You know once you go and save him, everything will be more complicated and you most likely will fall back into that role that you hated. But I won't stop you Bells; I won't be like him. You're your own person and can make your own decisions, but be damn sure of this: you better come back to us. If you don't I will follow you and rip those motherfuckers apart."

I laughed, we both knew that if he came he would die and I couldn't let that happened. I couldn't live without my sun and he knew it, but he also knew he couldn't live without his moon, and I knew that.

Jacob was right, everything did become more complicated. I saved the bastard and fell right back in that role. It took everything I had not to react or let my emotions slip when I saw Jasper again; something must have slipped because his eyes widened as he looked at me. I tore my eyes from him and went to the other car, the one that didn't have him in it. This time I would stay away from him. But I couldn't; I just dug that hole deeper. The first time we were alone—something that almost never happened because of my last birthday—he brought up the event.

My…Jasper wanted to know why I wasn't disgusted or angry with him, let alone hate him. I gave him a weird look.

"Jasper, here I thought you were smart. You're a vampire, who is fighting your natural urges, it would be the same if I loved meat and went and only ate veggies. Or I stopped eating and just drank things." I sighed, knowing that he was guilty and it hurt more than it should. I tried to stop loving him, but it never worked.

"I don't hate you, I can never hate you," I replied with something running in my voice that I couldn't identify, even if I tried to.

"Why did you look at me with so much understanding, kindness, and…love after I was going to kill you?" Jasper questioned me softly, as if he was afraid of the answer.

I couldn't look at him, even though I felt his eyes on me. I closed my eyes, trying to center myself and rein my emotions under that mask once again.

"Jasper," I said his name at last. "I was told that you didn't start as a veggie eater, but a human blood drinker. Changing took so much courage, strength and…determination. Not to mention it wasn't your entire fault that you attacked me."

Jasper blinked and I could see his mind going back to when I told Edward off for him. My blonde vampire seemed to understand now.

"Aro said I'm Edward's Singer," I paused and waited for him to nod, saying he understood, when he did I went on. "He has good control, but with my blood right there in front of him, it probably took everything he had to not kill me. Add to that, five other's bloodlust, including your own…Jasper," I said and I fully turned to him and put my hand on his arm. It felt so good and I almost did something I shouldn't have.

"You have the best control out of all them." I told him and he looked shocked. "You didn't attack me after you killed James and I was covered in blood, and Edward was drinking it, no doubt his bloodlust was beyond the normal level." I scoffed and rolled my eyes. "You never even are remotely close to attacking me when were together, like now. I bet if I cut my finger now, you wouldn't attack me."

Jasper just sat there, his eyes on me, just marveled at me. I could guess what he was feeling.

His hand cupped my chin and I pressed myself into it before I realized what was happening or what I was doing. Our eyes connected and for a split second I thought I saw love in there, and then it was replaced by something close to gratefulness and something I still couldn't identify.

"You're the only one who doesn't blame me, darlin'," Jasper said, his accent coming out, oh how I loved it, oh how it turned me on.

"And I never will," I promised.

We both could see the underlying subject in this conversation. The family didn't trust him, and yet I did: the one who he tried to kill.

"How can you be so amazing, so forgiving, so full of love, and so pure?" Jasper muttered so quietly that I wasn't sure he said it. His thumb went to caress my face and I almost moaned.

I left before I destroyed everything.

Over a year had passed, and I grew more and more in love with Jasper, and more and more ready to kill Edward. I started spending less time with him and he knew it. Somehow I grew a little closer to Rosalie—don't ask me how that happened. Emmett did anything and everything I asked him to. I told him to hit Edward a few times because he annoyed me and he did! Emmett is my big teddy bear!

I spent my time with either Emmett and Rosalie or Jasper; oh and my La Push Pack of course. They thought that Edward was going to keep me away from them, and he almost did, but I went behind his back more than once. Course he found it very hard to keep me from there since I lived in La Push! When he went to drive me home after that first night—I spent the night at their house—he brought me back to my old house. He thought if he took me here I couldn't go to La Push on the way home.

I gave him a weird look when he asked if I was getting out of the car.

"You do know I don't live here, right?"

He looked shocked and I loved it. I sighed, he really wasn't going to let me go to the Res after he found out I lived there; the bastard would demand I live with him. I took out my phone and called my sister.

"Hey sis, come pick me up, code uno—Eddie." I hung up the phone quickly. I didn't have to tell her where, she could find me with that nose of hers.

Edward gave me a very confused look. "What the hell Bella? I don't understand…what's this code?"

I rolled my eyes and got out of the car and started walking away. "It's not something you need to worry about." And it wasn't, if he knew what they were then he could do something about them.

Code one was where the vamps wouldn't let me go. I wasn't in danger or anything. After I said code one, I said who it was, so they knew how to deal with it.

Code two was, I'm hurt come get me. If it was a leech I would tell them with some weird name we called them.

Code three was I'm dying and there really wasn't much to go with that, besides what was killing me.

Code four was bloodsucker on the loose.

Leah found me in no time in wolf form; I had walked for about five minutes ignoring the asshole that was following me. He got all defensive of course; but stopped when he got a phone call.

"Alice? What's wrong? What did you see?"

I took this moment to jump on Leah and we ran. Edward was really distracted between Alice and me running away that he didn't know what to do at first. By the time he caught up with us we were close to the border.

"Let her go dog!" Edward growled, but didn't attack. I was on Leah's back, so he didn't.

"Edward, go away! I'm going home, so you go home too." I called to him as I smiled and acted like a child on a roller coaster. When we could see the border the other wolves were waiting, Embry was in human form and was laughing at me as he heard the sounds I was making. When we got close enough, Leah shifted and threw me to him; then shifted again and ran across the border.

I laughed and squealed in excitement.

"Bella, you are such a child." Embry said as he hugged me to him. Then he started walking off with his back toward Edward, I turned around and waved goodbye, he was furious.

"Bella, come back!" Dickward yelled at me which stopped Embry in his tracks.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Embry let me down; he knew what would happen when I got angry; no one wanted to be on the receiving end. I was sometimes as bad as a wolf. They blamed it on the Quileute blood in me (my great grandmother was Jacob's great grandfather's cousin).

"Edward," I forced out of my mouth, it was almost a growl like my pack, and they looked impressed.

"Yes, love?" Edward said, completely oblivious to my anger.

"Edward, don't push her." A deep tenor voice said from the woods to the bronze haired leech's left.

My body stiffened and my pack sensed it and made growls at the intruder until he came out. It was Jasper.

"Can't you tell you're pushing her over the edge?" Jasper commented as he stood by his brother's side.

I closed my eyes, took a few deep breaths to calm myself; Embry was behind me with a hand on my shoulder to steady me.

"Edward you can't stop me from coming here."

"You can't Bella! They are dangerous, and I can't protect you if you get them angry. One uncontrolled moment and you're dead love. I can't live without you." Edward begged.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes; he was so stupid and annoying. How could I put up with this for so long? I could protect myself.

Jasper seemed to pick up on my emotions and raised an eyebrow at me. I shoved them behind my mask, my shield.

"I live here Edward; as I have since you left me."

The vampire winced and promised to never leave me again; then telling me I could live with him.

I laughed. "Charlie is never going to let that happen, and you know it."

"Alice can talk with him," Edward tried. "He loves Alice.

My eyes hardened at her name, and only one vampire noticed. "He won't let me live with vampires Edward."

It sunk in then, "You told him?" Edward whispered.

I shrugged. "Kind of hard not to know about them when you live with a couple of Wolves and a few leech's decide to hunt your daughter."

My eyes focused on him. "Don't make me choose Edward, because I will choose them. They are my family."

"And I'm your soul mate."

I held my breath; praying that the wolves wouldn't think about Jasper or anything Jacob shared with their connection. Even if Edward was annoying at times, I didn't want to hurt him.

"Edward," I said, making him focus back on me. "I will see you at school tomorrow, I've had a hard past couple of days and I need sleep." I gave him a light smile and he nodded, completely convinced by my act and he left.

Jasper left a few seconds later, but before looking at me with a thankful look on his face. I knew he figured something out, damn smart vamp, but I couldn't do anything about it then. I leaned back into Embry and he swung me around and jogged back to the house before it rained.

The last conversation I had with Jasper was a night before the Wedding. Jacob was right, no matter how much I didn't love Edward, I fell back into that role of the fragile, pitiful, weak Bella. And now I was making the biggest mistake of my life: marrying someone I didn't love, just to be near the one I did love. Damn it! I was turning into Pedro….

I went outside—Emmett and Carlisle took Edward away for something, something I didn't care about at all, the girls were doing last minute details on the event—and went more than fifty feet away from the house and sat under a tree. A few minutes past, before I got up and climbed the tree.

I was startled to find Jasper looking down at me with an eyebrow raised. He seemed to do that a lot when I was around.

"Didn't know you were up here," I told him as he helped me sit next to him.

A few minutes of silence passed, before I thought of something, "vamps weigh a lot, so…why aren't you breaking the tree branch?" I asked; curiosity in my voice.

Jasper turned to me, he looked offended. "Are you calling me fat Bella?"

I burst out laughing; I had to hold the tree trunk for balance. I ended up turning to where my back was up against it. Jasper was sitting half facing back and half toward me.

"Well, if you are then yes, but if you are then no." I replied vaguely.

He shook his head, a smile playing at his lips. "So it all depends on if I think I am fat, right?"

I nodded, a small smirk playing on my lips. We continued like for a few more hours, light insulting banter between us. I hadn't been this happy since…the last time we talked like this. It seemed so long ago. But something always seem to remind me that this happiness was fake, that it could never be.

"Bella….why aren't you happy?" Jasper asked me after two minutes silence.

That stopped me short, my heart stopped. I knew he had seen through my mask. The blonde Vamp of my dreams always could.

"Edward is happy," I side stepped.

Jasper sighed. "Bella, I don't care about his feelings right now. I care about yours. The ones I feel when you touch him and talk to him, you feel like you're breaking apart."

I was; he wasn't the one I wanted to touch me, I didn't want to talk with him. It was Jasper that I wanted, that I had always wanted.

"You're so selfless sometimes, damn it!" Jasper clenched his fist. "It's not right, this is clearly making you unhappy, it's tearing you apart and yet no one seems to notice."

But you.

I sighed and closed my eyes. "They see what they want to see Jasper; it's the way of the world, always has and always will be. Their lives revolve around Edward; it always has and always will. They don't really care about us, in all honestly."

There I said it, the truth. I snuck a peek at him and his eyes were showing sadness. It seemed my southern cowboy knew it too. I felt so much love toward him, but it didn't matter if they didn't care about him. A few weeks ago he told me about his past, he said he had so many scars all of over his body and he showed me. I was horrified, and he took it as I was horrified of him, not for him. I quickly told him it was because I didn't think that should have happened to him. He was too good for it.

"They are not worth us." I whispered to the wind.

Silence took us over once again and this time we felt content and happy in our silence. There was no one in that house that understood our need for silence; they always wanted to destroy it with useless and meaningless talk.

Finally, he broke the silence. "I'll make you a deal, darlin'."

I shivered; he was using that accent again. Deep down I knew he knew that was my weakness.

"What is it, cowboy?"

He smiled a little at my nickname for him. Every time we were around each other a new nickname was made, well sometimes.

"I want you tell Edward no before you marry him."

My eyes opened and I was interested and intrigued. "And what do I get bub?"

He shook his head at me and that smile still on his lips. "What you want the most, I'll give it to you."

That made me stop and all my happiness and positive emotions came crashing down. He could never give me what I want; he couldn't give me himself, his love, because Alice had it.

I turned away from him and jumped down from the branch. I landed crouched, like my pack taught me and started walking toward the house.

Jasper was by my side in a second, stopping me.

"What's wrong, little one?"

My blonde love always called me that when he was really worried about me.

I didn't look at him, instead my face tilted down toward the ground. His hand caught my chin and raised it so my eyes met his.

"What's wrong?" his voice was like a caress and my insides trembled like my outsides and I tried to keep my lust where he couldn't sense it.

"You can't give me what I want Jasper." I whispered so softly that I was afraid even with his hearing, he could hear it.

His hand dropped slowly, even for a vampire, but his eyes never left mine. There was so much in that gaze that struck something inside of me. It made me want to reach up and press my lips to his and have him take me right here and now, on the ground.

"How are you so sure, little one?" his voice had that husky tone to it that I had heard on the res when some of the pack was aroused, but I couldn't do that to him. I was a human, a stupid weak one that had no place by his side. I knew that Jasper deserved someone who was his equal, one who could fight by his side, not some weak human he had to protect.

I turned away and walked toward the house, the hope that threatened to rise was getting to strong to hold back. But my agony and my mix of emotions were starting to rise again.

"Because I couldn't take it when you decided that you can't give me what I want Jasper." I mumbled. "I'd rather die than live through it again."

But when the wedding took place hope rose within me. You know the part where people have the chance to stand up and say no, I object to this wedding? He came in the room at that point, the door ending up closing rather loudly.

I knew by the color of his eyes that the coven made him go feed before he could come. Damn them!

He looked at me and everyone else and realized what was happening. I wanted him to say something, my eyes begged him to, but he sat down in the back and gave me a look. One that reminded me of our conversation last night: our deal. He was reminding me.

"I'm sorry, my brother was a little sick this morning, so he was a little late. I'm sorry for the interruption." Edward told everyone with an embarrassed smile on his face.

And some were glaring at Jasper for interrupting! It wasn't his fault, yet Edward made it out to be yet again.

In that moment, something broke inside of me. My fury broke through my mask and I saw Jasper out of the comer of my eye looked astonished. As if he wasn't aware I could feel this much.

"You know what? I object," I said, barely able to contain the anger from entering my voice.

Gasps were heard and I ignored all of them.

"Love, what's going on?" Edward said nervously as he stepped toward me. I took a few steps back and to the side.

I laughed bitterly, "What isn't wrong?"

Carlisle and Esme had the smarts to get everyone out then and there. When there was no one left, I tore into him.

"I am so fucking sick of you acting like you're so fucking better than everyone else Edward Cullen! You are not the center of everyone's universe. The world doesn't revolve around you." I snapped, they were all shocked, not just by my language, but because of my words. It seemed Edward was too perfect to them for this to be real. Though behind me, Jasper was having a fun time listening to me. I could feel his amusement.

"You always blame shit on Jasper, all of you. Not only that, but you treat me like a pet! I..AM..Not..Pet!" I growled and backed away more. "I am not a fragile glass creature that needs her hand held everywhere. I do not need to be protected all the time against everything and everyone. Especially against Jasper, my goodness, neither of us is as weak as you think!"

Edward didn't understand where this was coming from. He thought I was happy, and so did everyone else.

"But Bella, Jasper tried to kill you—"

I cut him off. "No, all of you tried to kill me. All of your bloodlust added to his, is something no Vampire can handle! Didn't we already have this conversation, the day before he attacked me?" I snorted. "Not to mention all of you never seem to see what's in front of you. You only see what you want to see."

I turned to Rosalie. "Rose, you're probably the only honest one out of all of y'all. You dislike something and you say it, you are always brutally honest with me, for that I actually really like you. Emmett…you're awesome and sweet, but you need to start thinking for yourself and not follow everybody! That makes you just as bad as them."

I turn to the 'parents' of the coven. "You love your precious Edward so much that you let him do whatever he wants, even if it destroys or kills someone else at the same time." I shook my head at them, and turned toward Alice. Oh how I wanted to rip into her good, but I held back for Jasper—though ironically he was the one that gave me so much ammunition against her.

"And you," I jerked my head to Alice. "I am not a fucking doll you can dress up, my name isn't Barbie! I hate shopping and you know that, yet you force me to do what you want. How the hell is that a good friend? And those visions of yours…you are not God, so stop playing him! I know you hide some of your visions, I've seen you. Aphrodite (3) thought she would do that too, but in the end that ended up bad for her. Can you be like her, turn good, and use your visions the way God meant you to use them? I doubt it."

She looked scared and about to tear up at what I was saying, though they would think it was all about the first things, not the visions. Probably ignore those too. Though I doubt they knew what I was talking about in the end. They needed to start reading books….that House of Night series were awesome…

"Tell me, have you heard of a band The Veronicas?" I asked, my anger mostly gone; but a need to be bitter and cause more pain was still an urge I couldn't ignore.

I saw Jasper sit straighter up; he knew where I was getting out.

"Yeah, I love that band." Alice said, confusion running through her voice. "Jasper got me into them."

I chuckled bitterly. "Irony at its fullest and cruelest."

"What about them?" Esme asked, her mother voice had come out.

"I wrote those songs, wonder who most of them are about?" then I smiled. "Let me rephrase that, want to know who most of them aren't about?"

Edward's eyes widened to an impossible width, Alice had made him listen to all those songs and he knew them by heart thanks to Vampire Memory. "They aren't about me are they?" he asked so softly.

I smirked cruelly, "Only one in particular is about you. I think you know it as Mouth Shut."

When Edward flinched I loved every little painful emotion that showed on his face.

I turned around and walked toward the exit, Jasper watched me with happy yet sad eyes. When I passed him, I dropped a note that none of the others saw because they were comforting Edward and Alice.

He tossed me his keys and when I was outside I ripped my dress and jumped on his bike and rode very fast to La Push.

I took out my phone and called my twin.

"So Bells, I got a suitcase packed for you."

I laughed, my body filled with happiness at his voice and how well he knew me. "I haven't decided it yet."

"I know you girlie," I heard his grin. "Come talk to me and then go."

I did talk with him and the rest of the pack. I couldn't live here, not now. I threw it all away, now I would never see Jasper again.

I cried after I told them what happened, all my pent up anguish over the person I loved. Leah held me, running her fingers through my hair, trying to calm me. I love when people play with my hair.

After my cry was over we talked.

Sam was first. "He's your mate, just like Emily is mine. You imprinted on him."

Trust him to use pack terms; but he was one of those that you just had to love.

Jacob nodded. "You are of our blood, maybe some of the abilities passed, but not all. I hate to say this, but you need him."

"I refuse to be Pedro."

I would not be Pedro, I despised Pedro, yet I was living his life. Oh how I hated myself when I realized that. Pedro loved Tita, and Tita loved Pedro…but Tita couldn't marry. So he married her sister just to be close to her. Dear Lord in Heaven help me, what have I become? I always resented Pedro with a passion…but how could I, now that I was him? The only difference was that Tita loved him…my Tita…I didn't know if he loved me.

But I couldn't live without him; I needed him so much. They knew the brave front I put up during the time he left. I may have come out of my zombie state, but I was still too close for their comfort. Although it did help that I was distracted easily.

After that stunt I pulled today, there was no way I could be Pedro. In a way I was sinfully happy, but another part, the part that wanted Jasper anyway I could get, was beyond sad.

Leah was quiet. "Sister, I love you no matter what you do to get your man. Go, do it."

It took all of us a few seconds to realize what she meant. When she said that, I saw my future flying before my eyes. That was my plan, I would change, and I would become someone worthy of him, someone truly worth it. But first I had to be his equal; I had to prove myself to him. And to do that I need to do what Leah was telling me.

The pack didn't like it, but they loved me more than their hatred. That was what family was all about. They loved you no matter what you did, and I knew that after I did what I was going to do, they would still love me.

With that decided I smiled, finally feeling that my life was where it was supposed to be; this was where I was supposed to be to get my life back on track.

I hugged her with everything had and whispered in her ear, "you will find him too don't worry. I hope you visit me sis, maybe you will find him in another country?" I winked at her and she blushed.

The guys laughed at what I was implying. I looked at the rest of them. "It happened for me…why not for the rest of you? Together, forever, right?"

We hugged, kissed, and I left. With my suitcase I drove to the airport with Jacob behind me—so he could drive the bike back—knowing that I would be back in a few years. Hopefully then I would be worthy for him to claim me.

To be continued...

(1) Like Water of Chocolate, a book about a the youngest daughter that can't marry because according to family tradition she has to take care of her mom till she dies; had to read it for AP English Lit, kind of good. I didn't realize that this fit until after I wrote this chapter.

(2) Disney's Hercules, come on, this is so classic!

(3) House of Night Series is a vampire series like Twilight but different. It's really good, though I don't approve of the Goddess thing...but good. I just got the 7th book I think, Burned...