Survivor Vampire Island: The Director's Cut

The Battle with Zorin and Archery aftermath

Disclaimer: I do not own Survivor, Hellsing or Twilight. The original story is owned by Lion in the land and I seriously suggest you check it out.

Author's note: In S:VI, Probst survives. Not in this version. Also, somebody asked for a more graphic death for Zorin. Here it is :)

Alucard is less then pleased with the results of the challenge. The sparkly weenie has bested him at the bow. Alucard knows he has nobody to blame for this but himself. With the Nosferatu's clairvoyant third eye he possesses, he should never miss his target with any kind of ranged weapon. He didn't mean to win, but that's a moot point.

His original objective on this island was to see that his master won the competition. To do that, he was not only prepared to sacrifice himself, but to resort to any dirty underhanded tactic that he could get away with. While Millennium robbed him of the chance to get some cheating in, they did give him a chance to rake down some serious carnage. He's grateful for that much.

His strategy has not changed; he'll readily sacrifice himself to see that Integra does not wind up in Millennium's hands.

Alucard chalks up Integra missing her target to her want of cigars and booze. Has to be. That and the fact she's well on her way to developing fatty liver disease and her lung capacity ain't what is used to be is of no help to Integra.

The next challenge is soon to be announced and Alucard wants to add to his arsenal. He's gathering up the remaining arrows from the last challenge. From underneath his jacket, Alucard conjures a bottle of holy water, blessed by the Archbishop of Canterbury. First he grabs Integra's arrow off the sand and gives the tip a little sprinkle of the blessed H2O.

Looking up from the ground, he turns to spot the head of Carlisle. His blond heads is perched on top of a small wooden table. Alucard stares at Carlisle in the eyes. In those topaz eyes rapidly turning black, Alucard can find no trace of fear. How odd, Alucard is used to inspiring fear in people. Hell, he enjoys it. But seeing not a trace of it in this misguided vampire's eyes is oddly . . . calming? He quickly moves on without a word.

Carlisle notices Alucard's slightly reverent look but doesn't say a thing... He figures that a guy like Alucard would like to keep it hush-hush. Like kissing a man who you thought was a woman, you don't acknowledge it in any way except with knowing glances and awkward silence.

Next Alucard moves over to Esme and yanks the arrow from the palm tree next to her head. He casually informs the mothering Unstet, "I've always found you very attractive but let's not kid ourselves, I'm still waiting for Integra to reach the right age."

"What the bloody hell does that mean?" shouts Integra.

Alucard is the picture of cool and calm. "It's nothing for you to concern yourself over, my master."

Next he reaches Rosalie, everyone's spoiled little princess. He greets her like a hated enemy, "Hey Rapey, how passes the day?" He makes a crude reference to Rose's "tragic" past.

She begins to form an f-bomb before he painfully yanks the arrow from her stuck up nose. The pain of it causes her to shout out, "Slimy son of a bitch!"

He casually leans against the wooden table. He gives this arrow a bit more holy water to wash off the Unstet venom, which will quickly dissolve the arrow head and render it a useless piece of composite material. "Listen, Rapey, and listen to me very well. As of right now, I have a headache. If you prove useful to me, you won't aggravate my headache. If you aggravate my headache, I'll eat your pretty little niece." On the italicised quotes, Alucard's hair floats and twists like the hair of Medusa and his monstrous grin takes up the whole bottom of his face; flashing off a mouthful of teeth that would make a Great White Shark envious.

Rose is horrified, next to Emmett's penis; Renesmee is the thing she loves most in the entire universe. She'd die for that child. The thought of that madman, stealthily sneaking into Renesmee's room in the dead of night without anyone knowing and . . . and. . . .

The thought is too horrible to entertain. It's time for her to realize that Alucard isn't some ego inflated jock at the innumerable high schools she's been too. He's batshit insane and wouldn't think twice about raping your family to death and mowing you down with a machine gun. The man is a hardened killer without remorse.

She tries to be gracious in defeat, "I won't give you any trouble." For now.

Alucard chuckles, "That's the spirit, skank." He then runs a gloved hand through her golden locks. She's going to need a Shinto priest and a fuckload of expensive shampoo in order to purify her hair when this is all over.

And now there is Bella. The usually docile Cullen is now snarling and snapping. Her razor teeth make short work of the arrow. Alucard frowns, that was a pretty cool arrow she destroyed. She spits the last of the arrow from her throat.

Bella snarls at Alucard. It's a real proper snarl, scarier than anything on TV. "If you even dream about touching my child, I'll pull out your eyes, rip off your balls, put your balls into your eye sockets and put your eyes into your ball sack!" Bella has had a pretty rough time on this island. Rose made a total fool of her in the rain and during her imprisonment by Millennium, she's had a lot of pent up frustration and aggression.

Alucard doesn't have enough time to give Bella a witty comeback because his ears are tormented by the bubbly idiocy of Geoff Probst, now a sand zombie in an electrified diving suit. "Hey guys, you don't want to keep the Major waiting! I mean, you wouldn't know it but he has a very short attention span."

Alucard sneers at the once cute Probst.

His attention is captured by Bella's growling head. How the hell can a severed head talk, let alone growl? Curiosity getting the better of him, Alucard reaches down and yanks up the head of Bella. To his surprise, it comes attached with a windpipe and two lungs like flexible lumps of granite.

The rest of the party looks on in surprise and horror.

Alucard just says, "That's new." Bella snarls at him again, this time it's enough to make a full grown lion piss himself. It just makes Alucard horny.

Her snarly fit calms down and Alucard puts himself face to face with Bella. "Hey girl."

"Yes," Bella is still angry, but she's also more than a bit afraid of Alucard.

Bella Cullen has a strong suicidal streak. Maybe he can work that to his advantage. "You care for your family, do you not?"

She bites her lower lip, an idiotic habit from her human days. "Yes."

Alucard presses his case to her. "And you would hate for them to get injured or hurt in any way, even that blond bitch."

Bella concedes reluctantly. "Yes."

"And you would love to kill anyone who had a hand in their imprisonment and humiliation?"

"Yes!" she cries vengefully.

"You would love to help me kill all who threaten your husband and daughter?"

"Yes!"

"I'm going to kill one of the men responsible!"

"YES!"

"Can I use your head as a softball?"

Bella is too thick headed for Alucard's words to register. She's seeing read and every bit of revenge is good. "Go for it!"

Alucard cautions her, hoping to get a little more fear out of her. Fear gives him a stiffy. "It's going to hurt, very badly."

She shouts, "Just do this! I want to see them all squeal like pigs for what they've done to my happy ending! I want to go to hell and die over and over again."

Alucard smiles, "You sound just like I did at your age." Except Alucard had a deeper voice.

Bella's look of horror is so comical and so epic that it should have a plaster cast made of it to be used as a Greek theatre mask. In a small voice she says to him, "Please don't say that."

Probst waddles in his armoured suit. "Guys, what's taking you?"

Shuffling towards Alucard proves to be a fatal mistake for the Geoffster. His slow sand zombie reflexes don't help him when Bella's head (with lungs) flies at him with as much force as an artillery shell.

Bella's skull proves to be harder than the electrified helmet. The electric charge badly scorches her head but it tears a gaping hole in the metal armour and shatters the bulletproof faceplate into oblivion.

Geoff fails to keep his balance and flies head over heels from the force of the blow. Landing flat on his back, Probst groans, sounding more like a proper zombie.

Alucard casually grabs a hand grenade out of his pocket and pulls the pin.

He pitches the hand bomb right into Probst's helmet. Probst notices the grenade but can't do a thing about it.

"Oh shi-

BOOM!

The now former host of survivor is blown into a million pieces. Only the bottom half of his body is intact. His upper body has been atomized and there's nothing left but sand, green gore and twisted metal. With ease, Alucard steps over the sand zombie's corpse, spitting on the remains as he does.

Carlisle calls to Bella's head. One lung has been burned off along with half of her hair. "Bella, are you alright?" There's an enormous burn mark just above her forehead and from this angle, Esme is horrified to realize that she can see Bella's brains.

In a dazed voice, Bella replies, "I like men."

Carlisle breathes a sigh of relief. Bella's going to be alright, she'll just be out of commission for a while.

Alucard faces the Major's smiling visage on the giant TV, who seems unshaken by Alucard's wonton violence.

Hellsing's trump card explains to the leader of the Leztest Battalion. "Sorry about your zombie, I just had to kill him. I couldn't help myself."

(AN: Here we just skip the part where the Major issues the challange and removes Walter because that's all Lion in the Land's work.)

The unlikely trio take off from the beach. Jasper takes the front of the column because he makes a great shield for Integra against bullets and bombs. It's a point which Jasper grudgingly agrees with. Alucard make up the rear guard while Integra is situated in middle. Anything that tries to sneak up on them will rapidly be sent burning back to hell.

The gang moves through the dense rain forest which is devoid of bird and insect calls. When they encounter rivers, Jasper makes himself useful by kicking down trees to use as bridges.

They move towards the center of the island, which is where Millennium tells them approximately is the rabbit's location.

Alucard is unhappy without something in front of him to kill. He'd rather be at Hellsing manor, rocking out to Skeleton Witch and jerking it to Buffy porn in his special chair. According to the previews, the next comic upload will feature Buffy getting blasted on coke and fucking Xander with a two headed dildo. Oh yeah, that's what Alucard is into!

Jasper rips through a wall of vines like gossamer and holds it open for Integra. They are not that far from their target. Jasper knows this because he can smell the unique blend of bunny mixed with undeath.

Alucard can't believe how easy this challenge is going to be. Go out into the jungle and grab that stupid immunity idol which has been giving everyone the willies. Not him of course. He has a sex toy that looks just like it back home.

There's an upside to this challenge too. If all goes well, Alucard is going to be able to kill that fucking bunny. He grins to himself and reaches inside of his bottomless jacket. He pulls out a medium sized box. Jasper looks out of the corner of his eye to catch the contents of the box.

The moonlight reflects off of shiny high carbon stainless steel surfaces, casting Alucard's grill in a ghastly glow. From out of the box Alucard whips out a massive carving knife. The No-Life King proudly gazes over fourteen inches of German forged steel with oak handle. The blade is curved and features a flat grind which makes it stronger and heavier than a hollow ground knife.

Pointing his blade to the heavens like the subject of a Frank Franczetti painting, Alucard utters a throaty proclamation. "At last, my arm is complete again."

Jasper realizes that Alucard is channelling Sweeney Todd. This cannot be good.

Holding the knife in his teeth, Alucard takes off his hat and reaches inside of it. From his floppy fedora he withdraws a honking big .44 magnum with gold inlay on the barrel and a stylized "A" on the handle.

Integra's eyes bulge at the sight of the flashy weapon. "Where did you get that!"

Alucard easily deflects the situation. "I acquired this fine weapon before coming into the island. We had better be on the lookout, if my senses are correct, that idol will be up ahead very soon."

If Jasper has any money to bet, he'd say that this gun is another gift from the North London Mafia.

"Wrong guess" Alucard says after reading Jasper's mind. Then he whispers so that Integra can't hear. "It's a present from the Albanian Mafia in Soho, but don't tell my master or else."

Jasper is wondering just how deep Alucard is in with organized crime. It might explain why Alucard has a faint whiff of crystal meth coming off of him. He wonders if Integra is aware of Alucard's criminal activities.

At last, they've reached the lair of the rabbit. The bunny's lair sits in the center of a bowl shaped depression hollowed out from the island's volcanic rock. Bones are strewn everywhere; some are human and some are a bit more interesting. If one were to deduce, Millennium has been using this island as a dumping ground for their failed experiments for years.

Alucard can feel the rabbit's presence. This time, Jasper Whusslock won't stop him from getting his dues on that furry critter.

Integra is about to step down into the depression when Jasper holds out an arm to stop her. "Look" he says.

From out of a cave hops the bunny rabbit. It only goes for a short distance before hunkering down and moving its nose in a very rabbit like fashion.

"How dare you impede my movements," Integra huffs with indignation.

Since Integra doesn't understand the gravity of the situation, so Jasper explains it to her. "Don't go down there, Miss Hellsing. That there rabbit is the meanest tempered and dangerous animal in this hemisphere."

Alucard concurs, "He's right master. I've seen that rodent in action. It's like me if I were to do a great deal of coke."

Integra is shocked. "I cannot believe the both of you. To think that two mighty vampires such as yourselves are frightened by a little furry mammal."

Alucard snarls his displeasure most respectfully. "I am not afraid of that rabbit!" He can't speak for his companion.

Jasper however us a bit more mature about this. "Sir Integra, you haven't fought the creature. It attacked me and Alucard during the last challenge and it proved to be quite dangerous."

The No-Life King scoffs. "Of course that rabbit is dangerous. I created it."

Jasper's boyishly handsome features express a look of surprise.

Integra is furious at Alucard but manages to keep a leash on her anger. "How did you create that infernal creature?"

Her servant is honest. "When they served us live animals, a bunny got away. I bit it and was saving it for a bit of torture but I lost track of it?"

"Alucard, I would punish you but we are far too busy for that right now." Integra is less than impressed by her servant's lack of control. "How long have you known?"

"I had my suspicions when a ghoul monkey turned up but it was confirmed when the furry little bastard took my eyes out in a totally unprovoked attack."

Jasper retorts to this new revelation. "If it's your fledgling then you should be able to control it."

Alucard shakes his head. "Not in this case. The rabbit has feasted off of live blood and it has grown away from me; much faster than a human vampire would in fact. This is possibly due to the rabbit's higher metabolism and shorter lifespan. At the moment, all I could do would be to corral it."

Integra faces Jasper. In the pit, the rabbit has begun gnawing on what looks like a human bone that melted. "Mr. Whitlock, can your powers affect the lower order of creatures?"

The Whitlock is uncertain of the answer, although he's glad that she's not calling him Hale. "I'm not sure; I can sense animal's emotions depending on the animal. I've felt rabbit's emotions before but they are very faint and I'm not sure that I could influence them without being in very close proximity."

The course of action is very clear to Integra. "Alucard, go down there with Mr. Whitlock and tame that animal."

Alucard looks stunned for a moment. "Is that your order, my master?"

Integra will tolerate no insubordination. "Do not question me, slave."

In truth, her vampire was looking forward to killing that rabbit. Alucard hates children and animals, small ones the worst. However, there is no way around his master's orders. She's been so much more inflexible since that massacre in South America.

Alucard suggests to Jasper, "You go first." To accentuate his point, he shoves Jasper into the stony pit below. Jasper, with reflexes to make a panther look clumsy, rapidly rebounds, jumps to his feet and doesn't even get any dust on his expensive Joma Sport shirt or his camo coloured Cabela's shorts. His display of grace disgusts Alucard.

By contrast, Alucard seems to ooze into the pit as if he were made of slime. The man moves as if he had no bones. Jasper has never seen anything like it except for some of the more suspect characters in Emmett's anime collection.

Ignoring that Alucard pushed him, Jasper gives Alucard the spread. "You have to go ahead; animals normally hate my kind."

It's times like this that Alucard hates logic. Jasper is completely right. Putting on a good poker face, Alucard goes ahead of Jasper and starts to slowly approach the rabbit. Jasper can sense the waves of irritation like the rays of a tanning bed.

The rabbit's eyes follow the mismatched pair like a set of deep red marbles. The rabbit starts to growl at them. It would be a pretty cute sounding growl if one were to ignore the pearly fangs poking out of the rabbit's mouth.

Coat billowing out magnificently, Alucard starts to exert his psychic influence on the creature as its maker. He chants over and over the psychic waves, "Calm down or I'll fucking kill you. Stay calm or I'll fucking kill you. I am your master; obey me or I'll fucking kill you."

Jasper grasps the first faint strands of emotions off of the animal. The more complex a creature's brain is, the more vividly he can feel and control the emotions. It's hard, like grasping at dandelion seeds on the wind. Difficult, but if you move slowly enough it's very possible.

There, the first grasp on the rabbit's emotions. The little creature is full of fear. It's afraid of Alucard. It's afraid of dying, of not finding a mate and many other base fears. Unlike a regular rabbit however, this isn't flight fear. This is full on defence fear that makes the animal defend itself at all costs. Just to turn down that fear. Ah, there we go. He has a good grip on it.

Alucard can detect that Jasper has a hold on the lagomorph. The fangs are no longer showing. He changes the tone of his psychic commands. "Stay where you are. You will not be harmed."

Integra stands at the edge of the crater doing nothing and looking badass while she does it. That's pretty much all she can contribute to the effort at this point. Being human isn't all noble keep-your-soul type crap; there's a lot of doing nothing while the benevolent monsters do the dirty work. And with Alucard, benevolent is used in the loosest term possible.

Jasper glances around to make sure that no surprises drop in on them. Doing this, he notices that Alucard stinks. He never really noticed it before, but Alucard smells awful. It's like the guy hasn't changed his underwear since the fourteenth century. Earlier in the show, Alucard masked his overall lack of hygiene with a preposterous amount of Axe cologne.

The smell is starting to agitate the rabbit Alucard catches Jasper's thoughts. First, he puts the knife and the gun in his hatband; they stick up like a pair of mismatched antennae. Then he starts to find the source of the rabbit's discomfort.

Jasper watches Alucard yank a weeks old dead chicken out of his jacket and throw it aside. Then he grabs a used condom and throws that away. He pulls out a marble arm; Jasper realizes an Unstet arm. Alucard nearly throws it away; instead he kisses the arm and puts it back where he found it. Honestly, Jasper doesn't even want to know what this guy is carrying around with him.

Suddenly, Alucard has an epiphany. He pulls from his coat . . . a blood bag. He's had it with him for a while now in case he got hungry. It must have been why the rabbit attacked him in the first place. The blood is old, been in the heat for hours; that's probably why Jasper didn't pick up on it.

He throws it to the ground and the rabbit starts to feed. Jasper can feel the venom pooling in his mouth. It's rather sad; his father can wade through entire rooms of fresh blood without temptation and he's about to lose all control over a possibly rotten bag of blood.

The rabbit sucks the last of the blood down. Perhaps its rabbit tongue is incapable of the nuances of a more human vampire. Whatever the case, the blood is gone and so is the temptation. But by golly, Jasper is so jealous of that stupid little fur ball.

Alucard is smiling at Jasper in a cruel sort of way. He would take great pleasure in seeing the little cousin marrying southern douche slip and fall again. It's not enough that Alucard wants people to die; he also needs to see them fail at all they hold dear.

The seven foot vampire looks the vampire rabbit in the eyes. He uses what the late Pip Bernadotte referred to as "the sex beam." The rabbit melts under Alucard's influence.

He gently picks up the animal and starts stroking it. Alucard informs Jasper, "Mission complete; get the idol."

Jasper wastes no time. He sprints into the cave at speeds invisible to the human eye and proceeds to locate the demonic idol. The thing doesn't look very heavy, but for some reason it makes him doubt his strengh. He has a little inkling now of why the object frightened his wife.

Before he can grab it though, a lasso flies over his shoulder and snatches up the idol. With a flick of the wrist, Alucard spins the idol in a lazy circle with his rope lasso. During his Dracula days he spent a few years in Mongolia and learned knot tying and the art of the lasso. Of course back in those days his lasso skills were put to use on human necks during acts of banditry. But that's neither here nor there.

Alucard grins smugly at Jasper. "First rule of etiquette, Unstet; my master always gets first go at the immunity idol." He hollers over his shoulder, "Master ,CATCH!"

Alucard shoves the rabbit into Jasper's arms and screams like a little girl. "MASTER!" He runs up to his downed leader, all the way crying over and over again. "MASTER! MASTER! PLEASE DON'T BE DEAD!"

Seeing Alucard reduced to this state is pitiful. In an odd way, Alucard working himself into hysterics over his master resembles a great deal of some of Edward Cullen's more pathetic moments. Jasper hates Alucard, but he doesn't hate him enough to want to see this sad display.

Alucard jumps right in front of Jasper crowing in triumph, but it's false triumph. "Look, Unstet, my master has the idol of immunity!" Indeed, even unconscious, Integra still grasps the idol. To make sure that everyone knows it, Alucard uses his camera phone to document it.

Jasper is impressed by the Hellsing's will and good reflexes. It's too bad those reflexes didn't kick in today. Integra has a large circular imprint on her face from when the idol hit her. When she wakes up the bruises are going to hurt like a bastard. Also her glasses are a write off.

Alucard suddenly snarls with anger; anger at his outburst of emotion over his master, anger at his own foolishness for injuring his master and anger for his master being reduced to running errands for the Nazi scum. "Jasper, do you have medical training?"

Jasper is shocked; Alucard has never used his name before. "Edward went to medical school twice, but he taught me all he knew."

Alucard is blunt. "When we get back to the beach, tend to my master. If you cause her harm, Alice will be the first to die."

Jasper has had enough of Alucard's arrogance and emotional instability. He's not fit to lead men into battle. "You threaten Alice in any way and your master dies."

Alucard's eyes blaze with fury. He's a born aristocrat; disobedience is the greatest insult to him. His voice becomes a deadly whisper. "You dare? You dare to threaten my queen?"

Jasper puts his foot down. "I offer to help you if you help me; but I will not stand for anymore of your bullying or your threats."

This raises Alucard's hackles even more. This worthless worm demands that he bow down before him! Alucard hasn't felt anger like this in centuries. For ages, people everywhere have indulged his desires and sycophantically agreed with his every brooding proclamation and temper tantrum. Centuries of having his ass kissed have left Alucard poorly prepared to deal with somebody who tells it straight. I

Things take a sudden turn for the worst when strange purple symbols press themselves all over the surrounding environment and totally cover up Alucard like a cocoon.

Alucard blinks; his master is no longer in his arms. He is still in the clearing but there is no sign of the rabbit or Jasper.

Jasper blinks. There is no longer any sign of Alucard or his master. The rabbit he held within his arms is now gone as well.

He surveys the surrounding environment. He's still in the pit of bones but he's utterly alone.

All of the sudden, a high voice like a song bird shakes him to his core. Alice is running towards him and calling his name. All of his training and all of his discipline melt like butter.

Alucard spins around. Where is his master? Thank goodness that she's standing right there in front of him. He internally winces at the giant imprint left on her face but he's pretty sure there's a cold pack back at the camp.

Integra snaps at him with her usual curtness. "A fine servant you are; the Unstet scum has escaped with the idol. Go after him!"

Alucard remains rooted to the spot. He's tempted to actually go after Jasper except . . .

"Master, stand still."

Integra shouts at him. "Are you daft?"

Any further retort she could have made is cut off when Alucard gets the carving knife and slashes her throat to the bone. She gurgles as huge volumes of blood pour out of her body and all over Alucard.

He grins and her spraying blood turns his ivory teeth an eerie off pink.

Jasper takes off like a rocket and hugs Alice tighter than he's ever hugged her before. The sound of them colliding is like a rockslide heard through rock concert speakers.

As usual, words fail Jasper. Thankfully his wife picks up the slack. "I missed you," she chirps and nuzzles his neck.

Integra trips backwards, blood pouring from her. Betrayal and hurt are in her eyes, but Alucard just grins.

"It's a very convincing illusion you've put together. I nearly fell for it."

"Integra" is struggling much weaker now: not so much blood is leaking out.

Alucard straddles the impostor. "The problem is that you have no idea about human physiology. What human could possibly take a hit like that and ignore it. I know human limits too well. It's seems you have forgotten."

The imposter Integra dissolves into a mass of purple symbols.

Alucard grabs the Albanian gun and cocks it. "And let's not forget the whole purple thing. As if I wouldn't notice that."

Jasper fears that if he lets go of Alice, Millennium will get her again. The words are so hard to choose. "How did you escape?"

Alice seems to shiver in his arms as if she's cold. He feels her fear, apprehension and love. Strangely enough, the emotions seem muted somehow. It must be the love. He's been hanging around Alucard for so long, a source of unending hate that he needs to get reacquainted with other emotions.

Holding Alice feels like a dream, like it's not real. When Alucard jumps from nowhere and slices Alice in half, it feels like a nightmare.

With his giant knife, he chops Alice at the waist. She screams in agony and clutches Jasper so hard that it hurts.

Alucard looks at Jasper's face. He finds the other man's suffering to be funny. Easily he yanks off the illusion Alice and throws her to the ground.

Jasper was infuriated with Alucard, but some things aren't adding up. Alice is gushing blood. As graphic and horrifying that image is, Unstet don't bleed because they have no blood. This isn't Alice.

He watches as Alucard slashes at the background behind him as if he were eviscerating a stage facade. Purple symbols issue forth from the slashes in the air and the entire illusion falls apart.

They're standing in the depression littered with bones, but they're not alone. Integra is still unconscious and unharmed except for the giant circular mark on her face. Her broken glasses hang off her ears.

Jasper is lying down on the ground, pinned down by five FREAKs per arm. Two of the artificial vampires stand above him with incendiary powders. For some reason they're not moving.

And then without warning, the two FREAK vampires fall into bloody pieces on the ground. Alucard did more than just cut through the illusion.

Jasper winces as a head lands right between his legs and some intestines land on his stomach. Now that the FREAKs have been mowed down, Jasper has a good view of Alucard.

Alucard is looking pleased as punch with himself. The guns of the Nazis are trained on him, as are the rocket launchers and one guy carrying what looks like a rip off of Seras Victoria's Harkonnen cannon.

Jasper scans the surrounding and his tactical mind begins to form a plan. Integra is out cold and held between two vampires. The leader of this group of Nazi monsters is a figure more flamboyantly weird that Rip Van Winkle and possibly even Alucard.

The Nazi leader is a tall, muscular figure with close cropped blond hair that may or may not be a woman. There are small breasts but those might be from steroid use. The leader holds a giant scythe of ludicrous proportions and most bizarre of all, her/his entire right side is covered with strange grey tattoos which seem to change depending on what angle you view them.

The man/woman speaks. So it's a woman after all. "Guten Morgen, boys. Any last vords before ve kill you?"

Alucard just laughs in amusement. "So, this butch lesbian with bad breath is the leader of this pitiful group of mincing faggots. Truly it seems that Nazi recruitment standards have fallen."

Zorin Blitz shows anger at Alucard's statement but keeps some measure of control. "There ist nothing for you to laugh at, Hellsing Hund. We haff your master. Ve are in charge!"

Alucard examines his knife and happily spins his Albanian gun on his finger. "The thing about Nazis is that they're all like toads. They look impressive to an outsider but they're really all a bunch of puffed up toads. All the real men live in Russia."

Zorin grunts and pops a cig into her mouth. "Ve fiertsig soldiers are mightier than the whole Russian army!"

Alucard chuckles; it's so much fun to play around with these pitiful fools. The Cullens may be a sad bunch, but these Nazis just make him want to cry. "Alright, you have me at a disadvantage; I didn't bring any ice cubes. I've seen how vulnerable you Germans are to frostbite."

While Alucard handles the witty banter (it's his thing) Jasper has catalogued all the soldiers and their abilities. Based off of what he saw with Rip Van Winkle, Zorin is most likely the one with the ability to cast the illusions. His plan is to break free of his captors and take Zorin's head off with a single bite. But where'd the rabbit go to?

Alucard decides it's time to end this farce. He cuts off Zorin's retort. "Are you threatening my master?"

"Don't play stupid, count. Your master's life ist ours, ve—

"I said, are you threatening my master?" He holds his knife as delicately as a flower. It's just as beautiful as one to him.

Zorin glowers. "Ja, wir sind bedrohen ihr Meister."

Alucard gives Zorin an easy smile. "That's all I wanted to know." From there, things happen awfully quickly.

The rabbit, hidden underneath Alucard's jacket and still under his hypnotic spell shoots into the open like a bat out of hell and attacks one of the Nazis holding down Jasper. Taking advantage of their shock, Jasper jumps to his feet and spins in a circle. Centrifugal force causes the Nazis to lose their hold. No longer encumbered by ten undead Nazis, Jasper crouches down like an American football player and gets ready to launch.

Alucard ignores Jasper and focuses on his master. He throws the knife at one of the Nazi's heart, slicing it in half. The other one has his head blown off by a forty four calibre bullet. He gently catches his master before she hits the ground. Alucard's massive jacket opens up like the wings of a giant bat and he flies his Master to safety.

Safety turns out to be high in the fork of a tree. Alucard doesn't want to be removed from the battle for too long. "I will be right back," he assures her.

Alucard takes off his jacket and charcoal suit and rips his shirt off, exposing his manly build. He's got prison muscle; fast lean muscle that can quickly deliver a killing blow. Though he is thing, every muscle practically bulges out of the skin. All of his is covered by a thick layer of black curly hair, all over his chest, back, shoulders and arms. Half concealed by the lush body hair is a black tattoo of Genghis Khan. If Genghis were here, he'd probably calmly sip his tea and order Alucard to begin the unholy slaughter.

Throwing of his hat, Alucard flexes his muscles in a sinewy display of brawn. With his abundant head and body hair and his sharp teeth, Alucard looks more like a beast than a man. He whispers to himself, "Let's have some fun."

Jasper charges the FREAKs, slamming them down like nine pins. He would have hit Zorin like an eight hundred pound cannonball but one of the troops shoots him in the thigh with an armour piercing bullet. Jasper trips and slams into a stone wall. Zorin in front of him and a sinister grin crosses her face.

Zorin puts her hand down on the ground, the eye in the center of it glows a nauseating purple. From out of the center of her palm, purple and grey symbols spread out. The symbols clump together in three dimensional shapes and start to grow. Soon, a giant humanoid is taking shape. That giant humanoid finally fleshes itself out as a gargantuan doppelganger of Zorin Blitz.

Jasper's jaw drops at this phenomenal sight while Alucard merely gets to the butchering, reclaiming his knife. It's just an illusion but he won't tell Jasper. The giant Zorin raises her scythe . . . and suddenly a horde of rotting hands grab onto her legs as well as the legs of everyone in the clearing, Jasper included.

And then that's when Jasper feels the rage—terrible, all consuming rage. He's feeling so much rage that it hurts him. His final rational act is to not contaminate everyone in this clearing with this awful rage. If Alucard gets even a whiff of this stuff it's all over for everyone. After that, Jasper just answers the call of nature.

The creatures that erupt out of the ground physically resemble ghouls in every way except that these creatures sport eyes with noticeably haemorrhaged vessels. The effect is that it turns their sclera a dirty red. The rage ghouls waste no time in ripping into the numerically inferior vampires tooth and claw.

The FREAKs try to fight back, but there are too many of the rage ghouls and they are taken off guard by their ferocity and speed. Normal ghouls are slow. These things could compete for a gold medal at the Olympics and win. Machine guns spit bullets. Hearts are shot to no effect but brain shots prove effective in putting down the menaces.

Jasper runs through the FREAKs and rage ghouls like a headless chicken. The rage of these creatures controls him utterly. Zorin desperately cuts down the creatures with her giant scythe but her men cannot fight the ghouls, Jasper and Alucard at the same time. They're being swamped down like spiders before a tide of army ants.

Integra wakes up high in the treetops. Her face hurts like a bitch and parts of her immediate memory are a little foggy. Sitting up, she nearly falls but a well placed branch keeps her where she is. A few stray rage ghouls are climbing up the tree with alarming speed.

Integra curses at this development. Thankfully Alucard was kind enough to give her a gun from Leon Kennedy's stash and ample ammunition as well as his bow and the three arrows. Well, those rage ghouls won't kill themselves.

Alucard is having a ball. Blowing off heads with the Albanian gun, he uses his knife to slice off the legs of the FREAKs, allowing the rage ghouls to fall on them.

One such FREAK suffers just such a fate and screams to his mother as he's torn apart. Interestingly enough, the rage ghouls don't seem to eat their victims by the way they spit out the hunks of meat. They're only trying to kill their victims.

Zorin defends herself but only just notices Jasper barrelling down. She tries to cut him down with her scythe, but he strikes the flat of the blade and shatters the weapon. Jasper then grabs Zorin by the throat and they strike a large rock enough to cause it to partly break apart.

Zorin grabs as jasper's arm as he tries to drive a piece of her scythe blade into her face. She's much stronger than the other FREAKs so the point of Jasper's impromptu weapon stops just short of her eye.

Strong as she may be, she's not fuelled by borrowed fury. Jasper never lets up his arm.

Zorin twists her head as Jasper tries to shove the jagged piece of metal through her skull. Suddenly, her strength fails and Jasper violently drives the piece of metal through her mouth.

She shrieks horribly as the metal blade protrudes through the back of her skull. The pain doesn't last long because Jasper grabs her by the ankle and swings her into the stone ground.

The impact jars loose the metal blade but Jasper swings again, shattering every bone that matters. He suddenly lets go as a rage ghoul attacks him.

Zorin tries to crawl far away enough for her bones to regenerate. Already they're starting to knit. Unfortunately she finds herself flipped over and greeted by Jasper's snarling visage. His eyes are as black as tar.

Like a savage running wild, Jasper reaches down and rips off Zorin's breast. The masculine lady vampire shrieks in agony as her withered breasts are torn off, along with a good chunk of pectoral muscle.

From muscle memory, Jasper recalls how to disable an opponent. He grabs Zorin's foot and sharply twists it; causing her knee to shatter with a sick crunch.

Vainly, Zorin tries to bite Jasper's hand but it just breaks her teeth.

The last thing she sees is Jasper's demonic visage before he drives his thumbs into her eyes, causing her to squeal like a pig.

Wow, how the mighty soldiers of the Reich have fallen.

Jasper slams his foot into her face. He raises his leg and smashes her again and again like some demented piston. He stomps on Zorin's face until it's nothing but a bloody stain on the ground.

Alucard's gun roars for one last time. The last of the rage ghouls falls.

Jasper stops what he's doing and looks around bewildered. Is it over already?

Alucard lets out a long breath. He could use a cigarette after that. His shaggy body hair is stained with various fluids and he couldn't be happier. He stares down Jasper with glee in his eyes. "I've got to hand it to you, you went off the wagon. Thankfully you kept yoru filthy power to yourself."

Jasper gets marginally happier at that statement. Yeah, he did show some restraint with his power. More than some restraint, he performed a miracle. His parents will be so proud of him when they get freed. If they get freed.

Before the two can get any more chummy, Integra calls to them. She's dropped her gun and used up the last of the arrows. One last rage ghouls grasps at her. "GET ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING TREE!"

Alucard epties his gun out and loads a single cartridge into the chamber. Before he can shoot, Jasper hurls the immunity idol after taking it from a Nazi's cold dead hand. In a fit of déjà vu, the Idol hits the rage ghoul right in the head.

Integra watches the idol do its work on the ghoul. All the rage seems to drain from the creature. Its eyes go dull and it falls to the ground. It was more than just head trauma.

Now it's time to get back to the beach. "Alucard, get your shirt back on!"

Grudgingly, Alucard complies with that order.

Jasper, ever the southern gentleman jumps up into the tree and takes Integra down bridal style.

Rather than be grateful, Integra is repulsed by Jasper's touch and jumps out of his arms at the first chance she gets. "Get off me, you fucking homo!" she shouts at the Cullen boy.

With his shirt on, Alucard gets his jacket on while cheering his master. "Yes, Sir Integra Wingates Hellsing! Give him some more!"

"Shut the fuck up, Alucard!" Her outburst shuts even Alucard's ever flapping mouth. Jasper tries to hide how Integra hurts his feelings but Alucard wears his emotins on his sleeve.

Right now the vampire of Hellsing is looking like somebody took away his toy.

Just then, the vampire bunny hops up to Alucard and snarts to nuzzle around his ankle like it wants to be petted.

It's so cute.

Alucard however doesn't have an interest in stroking its fur. Rather than pet it, he grabs the rabbit and throws it into the air. Then as it comes down, he picks up a disembodied nazi limb and uses it as a baseball bat.

He hits the rabbit right out of the park. It shrieks in terror as it flies over the tree tops.

Alucard laughs merrily as he hears a sound like the rabbit landing on something sharp, followed by squeals of pain.

Integra can't hear any of this but Jasper can. He's also appalled by how readily the tormenting of animals makes Alucard happy.

Even more horrifyingly, Integra seems strangely unpeturbed by this behaviour. It's as if she's seen far worse from her servant.

As integra and Jasper start to leave with the idol, Alucard hears something move. Zorin is not quite dead. It would seem that her head is not totally destroyed. She is still alive.

Not to worry, Alucard will fix that.

Integra and Jasper both turn arund as they hear a two stroke engine start. They see Alucard raise a small chainsaw into the air before bringing it down towards Zorin's crotch.

"Come on," Integra says to Jasper. Despite his reputation as a killer, Jasper is a very delicate boy and Integra doesn't wish to scar his mind further. Even if she does think that he's a fucking homo.

Thank you for reading this and thanks to all the people who put this on alert. Sorry it's been so long but now this story is up again. School starts for me in about two weeks. After that, updates will become a lot slower. Just warning you.

I had fun writing this. Lion in the Land is just a bunny fiend, but after a while that fluffy vampire bunny started to get on my nerves. I really can't describe animals as cute. Babies are cute. Animals are just wild.

Ta

Master of the Boot