You won't always love me as much as you do now. You won't always keep those phone lines open just for me, won't always keep that door unlocked, won't always pat the right side of your bed and beckon me closer.

But, today, the last day of June and with our senior year a month away still...

You love me like air.

///

My bicycle needs new brakes. These just make me skid to a halt, whether there is gravel or not. I leave faint black marks upon hot pavement as I barrel towards your garage door - open, as always, with your brother cursing underneath his piece of shit car.

I say hello, stepping over his tools and he mutters something in return. But it doesn't matter what he says, because he just sees me as 'the annoying friend' and I just see him as 'Spencer's stupid brother'.

And your house always smells like pine trees. I think your mother cleans too much. But I guess her hands have to stay busy... You've told me, in secret and in whispers, that you don't think she sleeps anymore. Not since your father died.

And I hope to heal your pain. And I hope to never feel it for myself, too.

I take the steps two at a time, never having to knock on your door because it is always wide open. And I stop, just for a second, to look at you - pages being flicked by your fingers and your fan on, blowing strands of your blonde hair all around... and the curtain billows with the mechanical breeze and the lights are off, just the sun to light your way around whatever book you are reading...

And I think, quickly and decisively, that I could spend a lifetime watching you.

But I run and I jump on your bed and I startle you. And you push me hard, smacking me with that hard-back, as I laugh.

"Ass."
"Takes one to know one..."

We've been doing this for a while now. Building up a friendship out of one shared time-out, two girls in a corner and away from all the other kids - staring forlornly as they play with Legos. You cried a bit and I called you a big baby.
You hit me then, too.

We've been doing this for a while now. Going from nights spent talking about everything, you in your bed and me on the floor... to you and I, side by side, hushed voices up long after midnight... to you, hand on my stomach... and I, arm curled about you...
You smiled a bit and, inside my mind, I called it love.
I think you felt it, too.

Yea, I know you felt it, too.

"Let's rent that new movie, you know, with what's-her-name in it?"
"Okay. Sounds good to me."
"Stay over?"

I grin and roll over and am content to feel every single point where we make contact.
Your hip against my thigh. Arms pressed close. My lips almost brushing against your shoulder.

"Of course."

///

You won't always call me up and ask me to come over. You won't always say my name and allow it to make you happy. You won't always turn your eyes toward me, won't always take my hand, won't always give me access to your heart.

But today, the last day of July and with our senior year just days away...

You love me like air.

///

I like it when we talk, because it rambles and rolls to everywhere at once. Your mind likes to jump and I wonder if I am the only one to ever keep up with you. And I hope I am - I don't want anyone else to get a glimpse of this.

I am selfish. I want you all to myself.

"I really can't stand her music, you know? It is so degrading to women."
"Has a good beat, though."
"Yea, yea, yea... A beat with no soul."
"So all music has to be deep? Really?"
"They at least have to try, you know? If I were a musician, I'd want to be better than that, actually say something."
"Like what?"
"...Well, uh... you know, about social issues... War and famine and shit like that."
"I think that should be the title to your future album - 'war and famine and shit like that'."

Your laugh moves over me like a wave and I want to... God, there are things I want to do... But I am always holding back, holding down desires, holding off from doing too much or saying too much. I am so afraid of what we might lose by gaining something new.

I am selfish. I can't lose any part of you. I have to have it all.

"I'll dedicate it to you, Spence."
"What an honor. Truly."

I like it when we don't talk, too. Like now, sweet and comfortable silence covering us as the conversation lulls and calmly dies. Like now, your thumb idly sliding over the top of my hand as we lay here - on this warm grass, on this warm night - and your head only inches from my own.

I am so damn selfish. I hope no one ever has you like I do.

"Ashley...?"
"Hmm?"
"Don't be scared, okay?"

I slowly turn my gaze to you, away from the stars, and you are moving - like an apparition, but so far from dead. And I am scared. I am terrified, because you are being the tough one and I am glad to be on my back... because I would have fallen down, knees all weak from need and fear.

And your lips seal the deal, softly kissing me past a point of no return, insuring that my life will be spent forever craving you. My hands slip up and into your hair and you are suddenly against me, heated body aligned with mine.

And you move, so slowly, as if you might catch me off guard and I might go running into the dark. But no, you've got me and I couldn't disappear even if I wanted to. You've got me - drowning in your touch, panting into your mouth, swimming along your body in shaky strokes...

And, selfishly, I ask the universe to never let another keep you in this way.

///

You won't always take me as I am, forgiving my faults and finding my charms. You won't always listen to my pleas, won't always back me up, won't always dig me out of these messes I seem to create.

You won't always need me like I need you.

But today, your gracious and gorgeous smile flashing at me as we enter those double-doors, you need me, too. And you spin around and you wave at me and you tilt your head and you blow me a kiss...

In front of everyone, you tell me you love me like air.

///

END