Vampire Stupidity

by malkshake

It was another day in Mystic Falls. Damon and Stefan, the two vampire faggots, had just finished having sex. "You clean the sheets, Damon, I'm going to go see my bitch Elena" Stefan said. "But Stefaaaan" Damon whined like the little annoying fag he was "Elena won't have sex with you! She's one of those bitches who waits until she's married!" It was true. "That's why I have sex with you, until I can get into her pants" Stefan explained. Damon was sad. He had been wanting to prove to Stefan he was the right woman for him, and finally Stefan had started having sex with him. But it turned out it was just until Elena would take the padlock off her undies. Stefan fucked off and Damon was left sadly hanging around their gay ass house, masturbating and playing Candy Land with himself. Finally Stefan came home. He was crying like a whiny emo bitch, which he was. He rocked in a corner, weeping, and furiously writing some emo poetry shit. "What's wrong?" Damon asked, concerned. "Elena didn't love me today" Stefan cried. "That bitch!" Damon exclaimed. Then he had an idea. He would kill everyone in Mystic Falls, including Elena, so Stefan would have to have sex with him. He skipped off happily to put his plan into action.

First he went to kill Elena. When he got to her house, her aunt Jenna opened the door. She was obviously drunk as all fuck. "Hi Damon" she said seductively. "Is Elena here?" asked Damon. "I'm not telling you unless you fuck me" she said. She shook her hips and some dust fell out. "Oh" said Damon. He banged her at super vampire speed and she split in two and died. A dust covered bat flew out of her nasty old snatch and off into the night, squeaking happily at its new found freedom. Damon just shrugged and went in to kill Elena. He found her having sex with Jeremy. "What the fuck" he said. Then he gave Jeremy a blowjob. Jeremy had such a huge orgasm he exploded. Then Damon snapped Elena's neck and killed her. He decided to go to the school to see what kinky delights awaited him there.

When he got to the school, he saw Caroline giving out $10 blowjobs. He paid up and she went to town. Afterwards, Damon squealed in annoyance "That wasn't worth $10!" and ripped her head off. Then he took his $10 back. In the school, he heard some interesting noises coming from Alaric's classroom. Inside, Alaric was doing Matt on his desk. Damon joined in, and then killed them both and drank all their blood. Joyfully he went off to kill everyone else.

He arrived at Bonnie's house. Inside, Bonnie was casting a witch spell to give herself a uterus and ovaries, like every other teenage girl had, instead of just a pathetic, shriveled penis, like she had. Damon burst into the room, hoping Bonnie was naked or something. Bonnie accidentally cast the spell on Damon instead of her. "It's just what I've always wanted!" Damon said happily and then drop kicked Bonnie out of the window, where she fell into the road and was promptly run over. Damon stole her dildo collection, then left to have sex with Stefan.

On his way home, he met Tyler. "Damon, you fucker! You killed everyone in this gay ass town!" Tyler squealed, pissed. "What's it to ya" Damon said. Tyler shrugged and then they both started doing it in the middle of the road. Afterwards, Damon lit up a cigarette, decided to let Tyler live and went home. When he got home, Stefan was pissed. "You killed everyone! You bastard!" "Whatever. They were all retards and faggots anyway" Damon said. "Yeah, you're right" said Stefan. Damon and Stefan had sex, got married, and had a shitload of fucked up vampire babies, until Damon had a fucked up werewolf baby and Stefan got pissed off at his betrayal, and killed Damon and Tyler, then ate all his children. Then he killed himself because he was emo and couldn't find his leather jacket.

The end.