Disclaimer: Kick-Ass belongs to Universal Pictures and Lionsgate and Chester A. Bum belongs to Douglas Walker (aka That Guy with the Glasses) respectfully. No profit is being made out of this work..
…
And now it's time for Bum Reviews with Chester A. Bum.
Tonight's review:
Kick-Ass
…
"OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!"
"My SPOILER sense is tingling!"
"There's this kid, who wants to be a superhero, and his name's Kick-Ass!
"Whose ass?"
"Kick-Ass!"
"Kick whose ass?"
"Kick-Ass! He dresses up as a green condom, beats up bad guys and becomes really popular on the Intermanet! He's so popular that he even has his own MySpace page!"
"I was a superhero once who had a MySpace page, and my best friend was lonelybumgirl15."
"Call me sometime, Bree!"
"But I didn't just beat up bad guys, I pissed on their clothes and vomited on their faces while they were asleep…and I'm not afraid to do it again."
"That's right, I'm the incredible Bum Man!"
"NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA BUM MAN!"
"Wait, did I already say that in another review? Oh well, now that you know my secret identity, I'm going to have to kill you…again."
The Bum fired infrared laser beams at the camera with his glowing eyes.
"No, I'm just kidding! I just made you impotent…again."
"So there's another superhero called Hit-Girl, and she looks just like Stephanie's evil twin sister from LazyTown…except she's not so pink and pretty…she's FREAKING PSYCHOTIC!"
"More kids shows need evil psychotic twins! How come you don't see Strawberry Shortcake's twin cutting off limbs, firing guns at people's heads and throwing knives at evil doers?"
"A twin like that would certainly keep the Purple Pieman away."
"So Kick-Ass meets up with Hit-Girl, and we learn that her father's also a superhero. He's called Big Daddy, and he dresses up like Batman! The only difference is that he actually kills people in really nasty ways and sets fire to their homes…a hero much contrary to the loving ones we have today…like the Punisher."
"He only uses Nerf blasters…and Super Soakers."
"So there's this drug dealer who runs an evil crime organimization, and he REALLY hates Kick-Ass. And he's like-"
"We have to get rid of this Kick-Ass."
"Whose ass?"
"Kick-Ass!"
"Kick whose ass?"
"Kick-Ass!"
"And then his son's like-"
"I'll be a superhero too and lure Kick-Ass into a trap. And I will be called Red Mist!"
"Unlike Green Mist, who only farts on evil-doers, and not to mention expel acidic diarrhea…Red Mist does incredible heroic things like…like…driving a pimp car and smoking weed?"
"OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE GREATEST SUPERHERO I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!"
"So Red Mist helps the evil drug dealers find Kick-Ass and Big Daddy and they start beating the living crap out of them live on the Intermanet!"
"This is bull crap! I beat up Gary Brolsma at Youmacon after he wouldn't stop dancing for about five hours, and nobody recorded that! I still find myself doing the Numa Numa sometimes when I'm asleep."
"It's very heart-breaking for me."
"But then Hit-Girl comes out to save them, and she and Kick-Ass go off to fight the evil drug dealers until they find Red Mist and his dad! And the dad's like-"
"Son, you take care of Kick-Ass."
"Whose ass?"
"Stop that!"
"Okay."
"So Hit-Girl is kung-fu fighting with the dad…but Kick-Ass busts in with this HUGE bazooka and blows him up into smithereens!"
"HOORAY!"
"So all in all, I really, really I liked this movie. But if they're really going to make the sequel any better, there's one special person I have in mind who I hope will be in the next film. And do you know who that special person is?"
The Bum stepped up to the camera and whispered: "Chuck Norris."
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: A-CHUCK A-NORRIIIIIS!)
"Nah, that wouldn't work."
"This is Chester A. Bum saying…CHANGE! YOU GOT CHANGE? AW, COME ON! HELP A GUY OUT, WILL YA? COME ON, CHANGE!"
Seriously though, 'Kick-Ass' was incredibly fun.
"You can help me design my new Bum Man superhero costume. And you know what the best part is? He's not gonna wear any pants! Bum Man hides no shame!"