Ok - so, yes, it's been a while. Ages. But I woke up with this little reminder of the joy that is Cletus in my head and had to get it out. Hope you all have a wonderful holiday!

12/24/2015, 23:40 - CletPOV

Sigh… another night of roaming my territory in an effort to insure the safety and well-being of my family, and of course, the usual search for snacks. Lately, snacks had been hard to come by. After the Thanksgiving that shall never be mentioned, my humans locked down the grub with military skill and precision before heading off to the land of Nod for the evening. Tonight they were extra vigilant because we were having a massive feast tomorrow. Plus, Uncle Emmett, Rosalie, and their spawn – the evil, tail grabbing twins, were staying the night. Thankfully, everyone was out for the count so I could actually get my patrolling done.

Things have been different over the past year. We moved and I have a new best friend who has turned into a holy walking terror. Every time she sees me, she toddles over and grabs on to the fur. It's a wonder that I'm not bald yet. What I haven't figured out yet is why no one has bothered to show her where the human litter box is. I mean, really. My cousin's kids were shown how to use the litter box at 6 weeks. This kid has been around for fifteen months and is still shitting her pants.

I love her, though, regardless of the stench or high pitched wailing that sends me running for my palace. She makes the most amusing faces and turns my humans into mush. When they get emotional and weepy, I get away with murder. I once confiscated a whole chicken leg while they were wrapped up in the newest milestone Sofia achieved. The best part is the amount of food around this kid. She makes a total mess that I've decided I'm responsible for cleaning up. Now that we've moved beyond baby food, things are starting to get interesting (or should I say tasty).

The new house is the bomb. I have my own room and tons of toys that I share with Sofia. I earn brownie points from Edward every time I happen to leave one in Sofia's room. Brownie points = treats. It's a beautiful thing. The only problem is that my territory doubled in size and I get a little out of breath by the time I get to the end of my nightly patrol. Edward's tried to put me on diets, but I've figured out how to get around that. Last time, I hid a stash of cat food in my palace. If you take a few mouthfuls and hide them, you have a snack for later plus they refill your empty bowl. It's a win-win situation.

Three weeks ago, Edward and Jasper added a new item to our living room that I find fascinating and I know they put up just for me. Can you believe that they brought in my own climbing tree? Last year we had something that looked like a climbing tree, but smelled funny. This one smells all nice and piney and has loads of cat toys on every branch. Plus, there's a nice bowl of water at the bottom that I'm apparently not allowed to drink out of. Crazy people. What's the point of putting a bowl of water somewhere and then denying access? When the humans are awake they light it all up, like I can't already see that my climbing tree is there. I'm a pretty smart man, if I say so myself, so I'm still trying to figure out why they feel the need to make it shine like a disco ball.

Oh! We also have a massive fireplace! Jasper bought me a basket that sits right in front. It's amazing, and I've taken to resting in the nice toasty environment now that that white stuff is floating around outside. Someone – Edward I think – hung some socks on the shelf on top of the fireplace and one of them has my human's name for me stitched on it. Now, I've tried to tell them that my name is Raoul, but Cletus has stuck. Idiots.

Tonight, on the table next to the chair that sits near the fireplace, someone has left me a plate of cookies and a glass of milk. I'm not quite sure what I've done to earn this buffet, but I'm not one to complain about free food. Supposedly, they are for someone named Santa, but as I've never seen or heard of him, its fair game. In my haste to drink the milk, I knock over the glass. Freezing in place, I wait to see if Edward or Jasper will end my fun or if I've awakened Uncle Emmett's monsters. It stays silent, so I let out the breath I was holding and lap up all of the milk that spilled. The cookies are shaped like snowmen and smell spicy. I take a little nibble and decide that if this Santa person ever shows up, he can have the cookies.

Now that my belly is full and I've finished my patrol, I decide to take a quick bath then take a nap in my basket. The fireplace is dark, so no heat is emanating from it, but my basket is still cozy. After a few minutes I feel myself drifting off to sleep.

12/25/2015, 02:20 - CletPOV

I'm in the midst of an awesome dream about Snookie, the Persian princess next door when I hear a weird noise coming from the fireplace. I jump out of my basket and immediately investigate. At first, I'm not quite sure what I'm seeing. There's a big red furry bag at the bottom of the fireplace that wasn't there when I went to bed. Shaking my head to make sure I'm awake, I look again and the bag is still there. Moving closer, I look up into the chimney and see a foot with a boot dangling off the end. What the hell?! Putting two and two together, I immediately sound the alarm. Trust – when I get going it sounds like an air raid siren is going off.

Above my cries I hear the sounds of running feet as the rest of the family comes to see what I'm screaming about. Edward makes it first, clad only in boxers that I think have reindeer on them and holding a baseball bat. I'm standing guard in front of the fireplace hissing and growling with all of my might. If that guy thinks he's getting into our house tonight, he's out of his mind. Jasper skids to a halt next to Edward and they both look at each other and then the fireplace.

"What the hell?" Jasper mutters, looking at the red bag and the booted foot. Leaning into the fireplace he yanks on the guy's foot and I hear a high pitched yelp. Deciding that my humans have this, I head for higher ground and bolt into the climbing tree. It's not an easy feat, considering all of the lights and cat toys, but I'm not going to be around for whatever comes out of that fireplace. As I make my way up, I feel the tree start to sway, but I'm bound and determined. Unfortunately, I didn't account for the added weight of a full glass of milk and down we go. Timber!

Just as I'm about to reach the ground I take a flying leap and land on Edward's shoulders. Startled, he swings around and I'm thrown off balance. Using my claws, I dig into his back for traction and then jump to floor. "Cletus!" Edward yells, and then another squeal comes from the fireplace. Standing back, I watch the whole drama unfold.

Jasper yanks on the booted foot again and soot falls down to the fireplace floor. "Who are you and what do you want?" Jasper shouts. "I'm a police officer – you picked the wrong house, buddy."

"Ho, ho, ho," a breathy voice yells from the chimney, "It's Santa Claus."

"Yeah, right," Edward mutters next to me. "Emmett, you idiot!"

Jasper looks over his shoulder at Edward with his eyebrows raised and mouths, "Emmett?"

Just then Rosalie comes out to the living room and surveys the damage. "Where's my husband?" she asks.

Edward rolls his eyes and points to the foot hanging down into the fireplace.

Stalking over to the fireplace, Rosalie leans in and yells up, "Emmett! What the hell are you doing?"

"It's Santa, baby. And what do you think I'm doing? I'm trying to deliver presents, but I find myself a bit stuck," Emmett calls down.

"I should leave you there," Rosalie shouts back. "Get your ass down here."

"I would if I could, honey," Emmett responded.

Jasper leans back in the fireplace and looks up. "It looks like his belly is stuck."

"Now what?" Edward asked, "We can't leave him up there all night."

"Can you take the pillow out of your belly?" Jasper asks Emmett.

"I think I can reach it, let me try," Emmett responds as Jasper backs away from the fireplace.

We hear some shifting and more soot falls to the ground. Then, with a low rumbling sound, Uncle Emmett crashes to the floor of the fireplace. Shaking his head, he staggers out onto the cream colored carpet and yells, "Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas!"

Looking around the room, I see the knocked over glass, the climbing tree on the floor, and the black sooty footprints Uncle Emmett's paws have made and decide it's time for a hasty exit. Just as I clear the doorway to the hallway, Edward turns, looks at the tree and yells, "Cletus!"