Title: Apology
Author: Frawley
Date: 13th February, 2002.

Category: Vignette
Spoilers: Up to and including "Older And Far Away". Mostly just that episode and "Dead Things".

Summary: Buffy's never been good with apologies. After the curse is lifted & the party over, she realizes she needs to make a couple.

Comments: I was really let down by how OAFA failed to address many of the issues brought up by "Dead Things". Especially Spike having been beaten bloody. This is my quick, spur-of-the-moment attempt to deal with that. Oh, and it features a brief Clem mention. Clem rocks!

Disclaimer: Joss owns most of it, I lay claim to the scraps. FOX can sod off.

APOLOGY - by Frawley

I've never been good with apologies. It usually takes something pretty drastic - say, Angelus killing Jenny Calendar, or Dawn trying to bring back Mom, for example. I'm sorry, Giles. I'm sorry, Dawn. Sorry for letting it happen. Sorry for not seeing your pain. It's heartfelt, but it's usually too late. They forgive and forget, but I don't. I know when I'm late.

Most of the time I'm just denial girl. What do I have to be sorry for? Why should I apologize? I've always been stubborn. I'd say that's where Dawn gets it from, but is that even possible? Can a girl who didn't exist just two years ago inherit traits from her not-sister? That's not fair though. She is my sister, and I love her like one - or more, like my own child, because really, this is it for clan Summers - kids just aren't in the cards for me. So it's Dawn I'm protective of, overprotective, because she is me - the monks made her out of me - and she's the one who needs to have a life. To carry on.

I'm sorry, Dawn. Sorry if I'm smothering you, or treating you like a kid.

There. That one's easy. I can admit it to myself, and I can admit it to her. When she wakes up tomorrow, it'll be the first thing she hears. I'm sorry, Dawn. The second thing she hears will be something like what the hell were you thinking? Shoplifting? Are you insane? That part of the conversation probably won't go so well. I have to do it though – I'll hate it, wish for a way out of it, but a wise guy once said, the ground never seems to open up and swallow you when you want it to.

Wise guy. Xander. See the pun. See the pun take shape. See the pun come crashing down in flames.

People underestimate the difficulty of good punning. It requires a lot of practice.

Hello, procrastination. Have you met denial?

Fine. Back on track then.

One down, one to go. It's the next one that's going to be the problem.

I'm sorry, Spike. I really, really am.

In the alley, I was terrified. That I might love him. That I felt something. Then I saw him, and I was terrified that I might be him. That he was right, that I was a creature of darkness. How else could I beat him so relentlessly, when he didn't even try to fight back.

Oh, I get that he wanted me to do it. Wanted to help, to let me get my anger and frustration and terror out. And as much as it pains me to say it, he was right.

But he never expected it that bad.

And now... how do I go to him, look at him, at what I've done to him? At the party... I should have said something. Stupid bint – great, now I'm using his words. He was right. I am insane. I thought he was over it, how stupid is that? How could he be? How could anyone get over their lover beating them to a pulp, without showing any sign of remorse? I'm sure he missed the look of horror in my eyes when I finally saw what I had done, what with his eye swollen shut and all. Then at the party I didn't say a word, didn't think of it until he brought it up. And still I ignored it.

Good plan, Buff. Ignore it and it'll work itself out. There's denial again, in all its glory.

Glory. Another word I'd like to avoid. So much worse than talking like him, because that I can live with, but... I beat him nearly as bad as she did. With her, he took it, to protect me. To protect Dawn, really, but mostly for me. And he took it from me, because he thought it would help me.

Oh God.

How do I even start this conversation? I've got some time, lets plan ahead. Maybe I'll borrow from Clem. Great Party! You have fun, being trapped in the house and stuff? A lot better than being trapped in your crypt, right? Except then we could, umm, I mean if we were alone...

No.

Back to Clem. Safe ground. So, he seems nice... you two planning any poker parties soon? I might, you know, tag along, if you're ok with it...

Right. I'm sure that'll fly.

Go with the basics.

I'm sorry, Spike. Because I really, really am.