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'Witching Anya (8)

by Darrin Colbourne

We regroup at Buffy's house. Xander and I are the only ones who came out of the fight relatively unscathed, so it's up to us to take care of the others. We get Dawn to bed immediately and redress her cut properly, but not before she passes out from the loss of blood. Willow passes out soon after, exhausted from expending so much magical energy in her fight with her evil counterpart. Xander treats Buffy's wounds while she keeps watch over her sister, leaving me to treat Tara's cuts and scrapes as she watches over Willow. Tara never takes her eyes off the redhead, and there's the most forlorn look on her face. I think I know what the problem is.

"She had no choice." I say quietly as I rub iodine on a slash. "If she hadn't used magic against Bad Willow we never would have gotten out alive."

She barely reacts to the sting, lost as she is in Willow's face. "I should have been stronger, so she wouldn't have to."

"You were strong enough!" I say. I knew everything. Xander told me how they'd gotten me out on the way here. "You found a way to get to me when Bad Willow said it was impossible."

"It was actually Dawn's idea." Tara says. "She thought that if she were the Key again she might be able to open the portal to where you were. We tried everything else! Nothing worked! We couldn't even find you. Then I found the spell to reactivate the Key, and Dawn found you...at least, with the right support the portal opened up in the dimension you were in."

"Then you came for me." I say. "You sent Willow for me, and brought us both back, and you would have gotten us out if Amy hadn't showed up. That's plenty strong in my book. In fact, I think I've misjudged you, Tara. You may be stronger than you realize."

"Not strong enough. Not enough to beat Bad Willow. She had me, frozen, in pain, dying, and Willow had to save me, all of us...had to break her vow."

"Her vow's not broken," I say, "it's just a little...bent. I'm sure she'll go right back to the 'no magic' when she's feeling better."

This gets me a tired chuckle. "I wish it were that simple." Tara says. "There's so much you don't see. So much that even Willow doesn't see..."

Her voice trails off, and I finish up as she continues her vigil. "All done." I say after I apply the last bandage, then I give Tara a hug. "Thank you for everything." I say with a smile. "I owe you and Dawn my life...and maybe something expensive, like fine jewelry."

Tara smiles back. "I was glad to help." She says, "and Dawn said she owed it to you. She wanted to do everything she could. We all did."

"Well I certainly owe you all my gratitude, and I'll tell everybody so when everyone's conscious."

We take a glance at Willow and giggle a little, then Tara's smile fades as her gaze lingers on the redhead. Her face has that forlorn look again. I decide she's just worried about her lover. "I'll let you two get some rest," I say, as I stand to go.

I'm just about out of the door when I hear Tara say: "She did it for you."

I come back in. "She did it for me?" I say.

Tara's still looking at Willow as she continues. "Do you remember what Bad Willow said about Willow's feelings for you? Did you believe her?"

"Well...at first I did, but then I found out she'd lied to me about a few things, so I figured that was just one of things she lied about. I guess she thought it justified her somehow."

Tara's voice almost breaks as she says "Sh-she wasn't lying."

I can't speak, can't respond. All I can do is stare. I can hear in her voice that she's telling the truth, and it hurts her.

"Willow and I are connected, you know?" She says. "We see things in each other. I...I've seen in Willow what Bad Willow said she saw in her. Images of you, impressions of you. Just the way Bad Willow described. I've never said anything about it because Willow herself is barely conscious of it. She tries to shut them out, forces herself to remember me when they flash through her mind, but they never stop...and I'm not so sure she wants them to."

Then she looks at me, looking defeated as she continues. "It's been really bad ever since the night she conjured that engagement party for you. When you hugged her to thank her, the impression I got when you made contact...your touch sparked so many emotions in her, I'm surprised she hid them so well, but what I couldn't believe was the pride. She conjured a party out of thin air, on a whim. It was probably the most self-gratifying moment she'd had in a long time, and all the time I was warning her about using so much magic for so many personal things her only thought was about how she made you happy, and how you weren't judging her for the way she was doing it.

"Willow has always had a problem with the way people see her. She's always worrying about being accepted. I think that's part of the problem. I mean, she'll never admit it, but she sees me as some sort of nag, trying to make her give up something she loves to do and holding our love hostage till she does. I'm not really, but she'll never be totally convinced of that, no matter how much I say otherwise. I think she worries that Buffy and Xander only see her as a weapon, and that her witchcraft should only be used to fight off Big Bads. I'm sure that's not true either, but Willow has bound her sense of self up so tightly to the Wiccan part of her being that she'll never be satisfied with anything less than unconditional acceptance of the Wiccan part of her personality.

"And that's where you get the prize, Anya, because from the moment you met her you've treated her as she's always wanted to be treated...at least as far as her Wiccan self is concerned. To you she's a powerful witch, period, and you treat her as such, with no strings attached. She loves that. It's the one thing she really likes about you, no matter how much you annoy each other, or how much you fight, she's willing to maintain a friendship with you for that reason alone."

"But...she IS a powerful witch," I say, "Isn't she?"

"Of course she is, but you never try to put boundaries on how she uses her power. You thought nothing of her creating a party for you out of thin air, and you would have thought nothing about it if she'd used it to fight off Bad Willow before you were taken. Heck, once you even tried to get her to help you get your necklace back."

I blush a little. "I admit, that wasn't one of my finer moments."

Tara smiles. "She agrees, but what she doesn't talk about is how proud she felt when you asked her to help complete the spell, and when you did complete the spell to send Vampire Willow back. She loves it every time she makes a spell work, the rush of power she feels every time the universe bends to her will, no matter the consequences. That's what I'm always warning her about. That's what Buffy and Xander worry about. But you don't seem to."

"That's not true! I do worry, but I figure as long as she's not trying to turn back time or raise the dead..."

"But she doesn't have to be to abuse magic. Even simple things like creating a party from thin air can be abusive. Don't you see, Anya? Even encouraging such a little thing can lead her down the wrong path."

"I didn't think I was doing anything wrong."

"Neither does she."

With that, she looks at Willow again, leaving me to ponder what she's just said. I contemplate leaving again but she doesn't give me a chance.

"You know what really scares me?" Tara says.

"What?"

"If she does take the wrong path, if she does become Bad Willow, she'll want you by her side."

"How can you be so sure? Just because of the real Bad Willow? Don't be silly. This Willow loves you."

"She won't if she can't have me unconditionally. She won't if I try to make her hide or downplay her magic. She can't be Bad Willow without displaying her power for all to see, and I'd be an obstacle to that."

"Well, so would I! I'd never want her to go overboard with her magic!"

"Unless you needed her to defend you. Like tonight. Or wanted something fun, like the party. I'm sorry, Anya, but you'd never be as diligent as me or the others when it comes to monitoring Willow, and that makes you the perfect mate for her if she goes rogue.

"You want to know how I know? She didn't fight Bad Willow for me tonight. I was just as desperate as you were for some help, but I could sense that Willow was afraid I'd look down on her for saving our lives, for using the amount of dark magic necessary. She didn't act until she had an excuse, until someone had appealed to her, pleaded with her, PRAYED to her in a sense. She didn't act until you said 'Willow, please'. She did it for you, because, as usual, you accepted her for what she was. For that kind of support she'd move heaven and earth, literally. For that kind of support...she'd give undying love.

"That's why she'd want you, no matter how much she denies it. That's why Bad Willow wouldn't hesitate to pick you over...over a 'sniveling, whining, stuttering little mouse' like me."

The bitterness in her voice as she repeats Bad Willow's assessment of her frightens me, just like the rest of the conversation. She's obviously thought it through, and her conclusions based on her insight into Willow are naturally devastating to her. I can do nothing else but try to console her.

"But I wouldn't want her! I have Xander! I love Xander! I'd never leave him for her!"

"Suppose Xander were no longer a factor? Suppose she made him disappear? Or suppose he left you?"

Now I'm defensive. "Xander would never leave me."

She gives me a bitter smile. "And I thought Willow would never show affection for another woman."

That sentence sends a chill up my spine. Could it be true? Am I destined always to be a target of a rogue, dangerous Willow?

"What other woman?" A tired voice says from the bed. Willow is half-awake and rolling her head toward Tara.

"Shhh." Tara tells her. "You need your rest."

"Yes, Mother." Willow jokes. "Nag, nag, nag. Anya? Make her stop, will you?"

I freeze as Tara glares at me. Willow's quip speaks volumes, confirming everything Tara has said. I dread having to answer, but fortunately I'm saved from having to do so as Willow falls right back to sleep.

Tara breaks into quiet sobs as she looks away from both of us. "It was just a joke." I offer, but she continues to cry.

"It was just a joke." I say again as I finally leave the room.

Final Author's Note: After much soul-searching and brain-wracking, I finally decided to go with a variation of the ending I originally intended, deciding to go AU all the way. I hope it met everyone's expectations. Thanks a lot for all the great reviews and feedback!