Disclaimer: I do not and never will own Gakuen Alice a.k.a Alice Academy….. *sigh*

LETTING GO

(Written by: Lady Theia)

I never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt to lose something you never had.

- The Wonder Years

I stood under the Sakura tree after my mission that night. I was cursing myself….for my incapability to kill. "Shit." I cursed again. "What the hell is wrong with me?" I clenched my fists and gritted my teeth. This was the third time I had let someone live.

The third fucking time.

Persona is not going to be pleased.

That arsehole would probably just add another scar to my body.

I punched the tree and placed my head on its trunk.

My view of life was always pessimistic….

Ever since my birth nothing had gone right so why should I even have an optimistic view.

All I've ever felt was to die. I was not scared of holding a gun to my head and ending it…I was just scared of the pain it would cause. It would be better if somebody would just murder me.

Depression had consumed my heart.

Now death seemed to be the only answer.

I had nothing to live for…..

Life wasn't worth anymore….especially mine

I have nothing.

I am nothing.

Nothing of worth….I closed my eyes and sat on the ground….

A sakura petal fell on my hand; its soft touch reminded me of Mikan.

Suddenly I had an inner urge to be with her; a strong sense of longing to see her smile, the scent of her auburn hair and those chocolate orbs of hers that were always filled with happiness. Being around her seemed to always make me happy in spite of her childish ways.

I sighed and looked up at the moon. I fear that maybe I've fallen in love with Polka Dots; just another reason for me to curse. This was not supposed to happen. It should never happen.

She's so positive, and I'm so negative.

She's always happy and I'm always bad tempered.

On top of all that, she's still too innocent to understand what love is.

I guess I'm just scared that she might feel the same way.

And I don't want that.

I don't want her to enter in to my darkness, I don't want to cause her any pain….I love her too much for that.

Oh god, how much I needed her. All I needed was just one night with her; just to lie down next to her, hold her, caress her soft skin and kiss her lips. Just one night with her is all I need.

Actually, all I needed was her.

That was why I shouldn't be with her.

I cannot make her mine no matter how much my desire burns.

Every time I see her my heart can't slow down and I feel like I've lost control over my Alice; I won't even be able to think straight and I always have something to say to her even if it's in the form of a tease.

That girl is just so untouchable….her sweet innocence makes it even harder for me to stay away from her.

Mikan… her name was always on my mind….

Mikan….Mikan….Mikan….Mikan….

"Natsume." I opened my eyes and looked at the brunette standing in front of me. She was wearing a short pink skirt and a white top. Her hair was tied in to a braid and….she was beautiful.

Damn, why is she making everything so hard?

"What do you want Polka?" I closed my eyes again. She sat down next to me, her skin brushed against mine.

"I saw you and well, I was worried."

I opened my eyes and looked at her. She was worried about me?

"Hn."

"Are you tired?"

"Tired of hearing your voice." I muttered.

"Hmpf! Natsume, you're always so mean to me." She crossed her arms and pouted.

Damn, she always looks cute when she pouts.

"Stop that you look like an alligator."

"Natsume…" she whined.

"Hn." I looked up at the stars again because I couldn't bear to look at her and not have her.

"Natsume…" she said softly.

"What is it this time?"

She placed her hand on my chin and turned my face so that I was looking in her direction.

"I've always admired your eyes….such a strange shade of color." She whispered.

I felt the heat creep up my back. Something was definitely up; her voice sounded different this time. It was more….mature.

"Natsume…I…." her face was only an inch closer to mine and I could smell her strawberry scent. I took it all in. I thought she was going to kiss me but instead she whispered in to my ears.

"I need you…." Then she kissed my cheeks.

Then she leaned closer and closer till our lips met and she did not even move away when I placed my hand on her waist

Oh, the sweet static that the kiss created surged through my veins….

She wrapped her arms around my neck and I hugged her tightly.

I wanted more of her….I wanted her to be mine….forever…

But no; this was not supposed to happen.

I pushed her away slowly and she looked at me with confused eyes, "What's wrong?"

"We can't do this…"

"Why not? Natsume, I love you."

That sure hit the spot….

I got up from there and started to walk away. "Natsume stop!" And I did.

She came and stood in front of me, anger burning in her eyes. "I know you love me and don't you dare deny it, Hyuuga."

Surely something had happened to the old Mikan and this Mikan was someone I couldn't even recognize. Never had I seen her in such a state.

"I don't….love you…." I tried to put in as much anger as I could but my voice just cracked.

I saw tears well up in her eyes as she looked at me, "Liar." She whispered. "Natsume, please don't leave me alone. I love you…I really love…."

I couldn't bear to see her cry….I couldn't bear to see her heart breaking….I just couldn't….not now….not ever….

"You are still a child who doesn't know what love is."

"Why are you still trying to deny it, you stubborn ass!" she shouted at me.

I started to walk away but she caught my wrist and turned me around. "Even if you don't love me…I still love you…I will always love you…I don't want to force you to love me."

Mikan looked down at the ground; tears slowly falling. "Mikan…"

"I need you, Natsume. No matter how many times I tell myself that I don't, deep down I know that it's a lie. I don't want to lose you." She looked up at me.

"I'm not going anywhere." I told her in a matter of fact tone.

"Then tell me you love me…" She placed her hand on my cheek.

Now I knew what Romeo meant when he wished to be a glove on Juliet's hand…nothing could beat the softness of her touch.

The silence went on between us and I didn't dare break it for fear of seeing her walk away.

That was the only thing I feared in life.

But I had to make her walk as far away as possible from me. I had to make her hate me…I had to. I've said so many hurtful things to many people…things that made one so ashamed; saying those things were just as easy as flipping the pages of a notebook.

So now why is it so hard? This was as hard as trying to resist Narumi's human pheromone….

"Goddamn it!" I shouted which startled Mikan. She took a step back and looked at me like one would look at a painting….a very abstract painting.

I was slowly losing control; damn, this wasn't good. I slowly approached her, she walked back slowly but the tree was behind her. She leaned against the tree and I placed both my hand on either side of her.

"Natsume—" she started but I cut her off.

I held her chin and tilted her head up so that she was looking at me. "Did you really think that I love you?" I narrowed my eyes at her. "You really are a child…naïve and stupid."

"What's wrong?" she asked in a quivering voice. I clenched my fists and gave a laugh.

"You still don't understand do you? I might as well put you out of your misery." I leaned forward until her face was close to mine.

"I was playing you, bitch."

Big fat tears fell from her eyes, Don't stop now, it's too late. Keep going. I silently told myself.

"It was all a game, Sakura. You're like a chess piece to me"

She shook her head, opened her mouth to say something but I placed a finger on her lips.

"That's what I'm playing with you Mikan. I move you around to my satisfaction…throw in a little charm…a little of that bad boy stuff which girls dig and voila…you're in love with me."

"You're lying." She whispered in a hoarse voice.

"Is that what you believe?" I held a strand of her hair in my hand and chuckled.

"Everything I did to you, it was all part of the fucking game, Sakura."

"Please stop…" She bit her lips trying to stop the sobs that threatened to spill.

"Stop lying to me." She begged. She grabbed my shirt looking down as I heard her stifled sobs.

"Now, I got you all alone…I can do everything I want to you…no one to hear your screams for help."

I placed my right hand on her thigh and smiled. The fear was clearly registered in her eyes as she looked up, "W-what are you doing?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Slowly my hands crept up and she shivered.

"Natsume, stop please; this isn't you." She sobbed pushing my hand away.

"This is me; this is who I am. Natsume Hyuuga, the Black Cat." I smirked as her eyes reflected an aura of fear and broken faith. "Don't worry, after this is over you'll beg me for more."

"No!" Mikan tried to push me away but I wouldn't budge. I pinned her to the tree as she struggled harder. "Get away from me!"

"Come on, just one taste…"

"You son of a bitch!" she screamed and kicked me to the ground. I slowly got up realizing that my job was done; "How dare you touch me!" she continued to scream.

I dusted the dirt off my shirt "Hmpf, I thought you loved but that was clearly not true. Every girl would have given themselves up to me. So why didn't you?"

She ignored my question. "A game, was that all I ever was to you? A simple chess game? My heart is not a toy Hyuuga. It's like a living thing, damnit!" Tears streamed down her face, "I was a fool…to even think that perhaps you were different. I was an idiot to fall for…your dirty tricks. But…what's makes me a bigger fool is that I let myself fall in love with you."

I listened quietly, bearing each searing word she said. In spite of all this I kept my poker face and stuffed my hands in my pockets.

"You know what, when I first met you I thought you were the meanest jerk that ever existed but when I spent more time with and got to know you more I felt that your outer emo-ish exterior was just a mask to cover your true self." She approached me slowly as she spoke. "When I looked in to your eyes somehow I felt that you had a caring…protective and affectionate side hidden." She smiled despite the tears.

"But I was wrong; it was all just an act." Her voice was harsh and her face had tensed up. "you are nothing but a pervert just like the other bastards who only uses girls as their own personal toy for sex." She spat the words out.

"Isn't funny how it took me a month to fall in love with you and after three years of harboring that love…you took only a few minutes to turn that love in to pure hatred."

Then she slapped me…hard.

I staggered back rubbing my red cheek; "I hate you." She said and walked away.

I watched her silently not making a single move to stop her as she walked away from me and out of my life.

"I'm sorry." I whispered once she was gone. I sank to the ground and silently cried. "I'm sorry…." I whispered again.

I hugged my knees and looked up at the silent night sky. This wasn't what I had wished for but it was for the best. I never wanted to break her heart but I had to make her hate me.

It was all played out for the best.

I looked up and sighed. Without her my sky was starless….my day had no more sun.

I was nothing without her.

I was born alone and will live my future alone.

I was destined to live alone.

"Mikan…" I whispered. "I lied."

I hope she could hear that. I hope she would forgive me. I hoped against all hopes that she would come back.

But it was no use hoping anymore, she was gone.

Author's Note:

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. I hope that you enjoyed reading it as much I enjoyed writing it. At first I wanted Natsume to end up with Mikan but somehow I felt that that wasn't the way it should be…in this story. If Natsume cared so much about her and wanted to protect her then why would he bring her in to his life? Anyways, love is about sacrifice isn't it? And so by making Mikan hate him and letting her go so that she could live a better life makes Natsume's love pure and true. Few boys are like that and I'm very much sure that Natsume a part of that 'few' boys who would rather see his love happy than to be with him. Let's not forget that that is what we love about him. So please don't hate me for not bringing them together.

Constructive criticisms and reviews would really make me happy and help me grow as a writer. If there is any story that you would like me to write for you then please say so.

Thank you.

~Lady Theia~