Disclaimer: The Animorphs and all related things belong to K.A. Applegate and Scholastic, not me. I just want to hang out in their world.

Occasionally in the course of my time on Earth, I require further training in human interactions, so as to make my disguise absolutely sound and secure. Human social interactions are very complicated and diverse, specified to nearly every situation. Something that can be considered appropriate outdoors, such as speaking at a higher volume, is highly discouraged when inside of buildings. Conversations must be carefully altered based on the nature of the conversational partner; their gender, age, authority, and relation must all be taken into account. And perhaps the vaguest set of rules concerns the type of event one is at. The reason I required extra training is that I was to interact in an unfamiliar social setting, one I had never before encountered: a human wedding.

The father of Marco, a fellow Animorph, was scheduled to be ceremonially pair-bonded to a human female the next day, and I had been invited to attend the event, as a friend of Marco. I had never been to any sort of pair-bonding before; the Andalite version of a wedding involves only the two potential mates, their parents, and their siblings. But apparently a human wedding is a much codified social gathering, requiring specific artificial skins, foods, decorations, dances, and even a certain mode of dialogue. I would be spending my time mostly with the other Animorphs, but in case I found myself conversing with other humans, Tobias thought it would be wise if I learned the rules of "small talk".

"Small talk" is the human art of making conversation without saying anything of substance. I do not understand exactly why it is called small; one would think that all the superfluous material would make it larger than normal talk. At gatherings such as weddings, humans are expected to talk to people they do not know about unimportant topics for no readily apparent goal or purpose. But despite the levity of the talk, the interaction itself is seen as very important.

"Okay Ax-man, the first part is the handshake." Tobias was in his human morph in order to better illustrate the physical motions that accompany small talk. He reached out his hand towards me, in a gesture I had seen a fair amount of times before. I reached out my human hand to grasp his, and we moved our joined hands up and down.

"While shaking hands, you introduce yourself. Hi, my name is Tobias."

"Hello, my name is No. Nnnnnnuuh-oh"

"Hey, Ax, you really need to stop playing with words, for one day at least, or people will think you're seriously off. Part of the whole small talk thing is acting as normal as possible. And the name definitely needs some work. Hmmm…maybe you could say its short for Noah?"

"Is Noah not already a short word?"

"Yeah, but it sounds better than saying your parents named you 'No'. Anyway, the other person might ask how you are doing, something like that, and you should just answer that you're fine."

"Yes, I am fine."

"Then ask them how they're doing, and they'll say they're doing fine."

"If both people know what the other is going to answer, what is the point of asking them how they are?"

"It's just something to get the conversation going."

"But no real dialogue is taking place, if both respond with pre-determined answers, rather than saying how they are actually doing. What if I actually want to know the status of the other person's life?"

"But that's not the point of small talk. At a wedding, no one talks about how they're really doing. No one wants to hear about how messed up the others' lives are over slices of wedding cake."

"Cake? There is a cake involved in the ceremony?"

"The cake comes afterwards, but you really should avoid it, you know Marco will kill you if you cause a scene. Besides, Rachel went through a lot of hassle to get us nice stuff to wear, we should try to keep it clean."

"Our normal artificial skins would have been deemed inappropriate?"

"Yeah, you can't show up to a wedding in a t-shirt and bike shorts. And remind me tomorrow, we need to get there a bit early so Rachel can help us with the ties."

Apparently humans create rules so specific that even they do not know them all. One has to wonder how much more advanced their technology could be if they spent more time on research and less time on ties and small talk.

"Anyway, after you ask the person how they are, you start in on some light topics. The weather always seems like an easy enough one. You just start talking about how nice the weather is, how good it is that it's sunny, that sort of thing."

"Can the other person not also detect the state of the weather? Why do they require me to explain it to them?"

"Ax, seriously, this does not have to make sense. You just do it because it's a normal human thing, no other reason. Most people don't even like it, but if you don't do it, people think you're weird or a loner or something."

"Do you enjoy small talk?"

"Oh God no. But people think I'm strange as is with the whole face thing. That reminds me, try to make eye contact, but don't stare, that definitely freaks people out. At least you'll only have two eyes to worry about."

I tried to follow Tobias' instructions, but I could not easily determine the distinction between looking and staring. I believe it concerns how often the gaze is shifted away from the other person's face; with only two eyes to keep watch with, humans must be very sensitive to how long they look at one thing. I had not realized how many physical components were involved in small talk.

"Aside from the weather, you can talk about other stuff, but keep it light. You could comment on the decorations, the food, the bride's dress, as long as everything you say is complimentary. Definitely do not insult anything. If anyone asks you about yourself, just say you're a student, keep it vague."

"Yes, I am No, a friend of Marco's and Prince Jake's from out of town."

"You know he hates it when you call him 'prince'."

"Yes, I know."

Tobias and I practiced for many hours. I had to learn about things like "polite laughing" and how best to wander away when a conversation has gone on for longer than the appropriate amount of time. By the end of my training, I had mastered the social interactions involved in weddings, and would be ready for anything that occurred.

"Hello, my name is No. It is short for Noah. How are you? I am fine. Fi-nnnuh. The weather today is very nice. Did you know that the temperature is seventy three degrees on the Fahrenheit scale? I very much enjoy how the flowers have been killed and arranged on the tables, don't you?"

"…Yeah, good enough."