Fighting alone

Chapter 1: The If-question

If you could undo something with one blink, would you do it? If you could change everything with one breath, would you do it? Are the bad things that happen to us, the milestones of our life? Would we be the same person if nothing bad happened? Nobody has answers for these questions. Nobody knows what would happen. The If-question. Are these questions important? What if life would have been worse, if the bad things wouldn't have happened? Do we ask these questions to get an answer? Do you we ask these questions because we want a change? Or do we ask them to be thankful that it happened like this, although it's horrible?

I walked through the empty hallway. Silence. I wanted to be alone. Derek was sleeping. Again. It was a good sign. But I felt alone. He had woken up about an hour ago. He had been happy that I was alive and the baby healthy. Then he had fallen asleep again. I put my hand on my belly. 31st week. My back hurt and my ankles were swollen. They had replaced the mood swanks and the morning sickness. And I didn't know what was worse.
I stopped. My stomach hurt. It felt like cramps. But it shouldn't feel like that. I breathed in and out. I tried to be calm. Everything would be okay. I had already felt them today.

I looked through the window, April standing next to me. I saw Cristina. I saw Gary Clark. I saw a gun. I saw Gary Clark, who pointed at Cristina while she was operating my husband. My guy. I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. I was afraid. I wanted to go in. I knew I would risk the life of our baby. I didn't even know the gender. But I needed to go in there. And before I realized it I stood in front of me. Cristina looked at me in shock. Avery did so too.

"Please don't kill him." I whispered. He looked at me."Please don't kill him." This time I shouted it.

"He's my husband. He's everything I have. We're having a baby. Please don't kill him. Please." I shouted. I cried. I whispered. I prayed. I did everything at the same time. Suddenly I heard a gun shot. In my thought I was dead. But I didn't feel a bullet. I opened my eyes and saw Owen lying on the floor.

"Is he alive?" Cristina asked worriedly. He was her guy. I nodded. Then I heard the one sound I didn't want to hear. I looked at the ECG and saw a flat line. I cried even more. Gary Clarke left the OR. His job was done. I sobbed. Silence. But then I heard a sound. The ECG was okay. Everything seemed to be okay.

"I pulled out the plug." Jackson explained and he looked at me. "He's okay." I breathed in relief.

"Help Owen." Cristina told me. I nodded again. April helped me to carry him out of the OR. And then I felt the cramps. Nobody noticed.

I sat on a chair on the nurse station. Nobody was there. I was completely alone. Cramps. Again. I took the telephone next to me and paged one number: Cristina's. She would help me. I knew it. I didn't feel better. This was a bad sign. And there was one bad sign after another. The blood on my blue pants was the worst of all signs. I breathed in and out. And suddenly… Everything went dark. And it was like everything was fine. Like I was fine. But nothing was fine. It was a really bad sign.

Khalil Gibran, a poet and philosopher once said: "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." Everyone has his own scars. Some of them are visible to the eyes. Some of them are deep inside our soul. But they have one thing in common. They characterize us.

I hope you all liked the chapter. I thought about doing a multi-chapter story. Tell me what you think about it in a review. Tell me what I should write. Tell me everything you want. I'm not a doctor and I'm not very good with these things, but I try to get information and be as correct as possible. All grammar and spelling mistakes are mine. Disclaimer: I own nothing. Everything belongs to Shonda Rhimes, ABC and the actors and actresses of the show.