A/N: Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry…. I'm really sorry for not updating such a long time. Now you have two opinions: 1): You can hate me (please don't hate me) or 2): You can enjoy this chapter and review a lot, so you get a new chapter very fast. I hope you take door number 2, which would make me very happy. Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I just write for fun.

Fighting alone

Chapter 4: Just survive

There are two big things in life. Birth and death. Between these happenings is life. Actually there is more in between. Life consists two big things that you have to do. Living and dying. And then there is surviving. It's a thin line we and our patiens are walking on. And we try not to fail. Or to fall down. Doctors want people to survive. We want to save lives. That's the reason we choose this job.

I couldn't open my mouth. I couldn't scream. I had to be silent. He scared me. Gary Clarke scared me. I didn't even make one move. His eyes were dark. And then I ran. Ran as fast as I could. Ran up the stairs. Ran down the hallway. Ran beside the patient rooms. I just ran. And then I stopped. In front of the OR. I hid in it. I could hardly breathe. I took some time to look around me. I turned my head up and down. He wasn't there. He hadn't followed me. There lay somebody in the room. I wasn't alone. I went to the person and looked into his eyes. Derek. I fell to the ground. And then my head sank down to floor.

My eyes opened again. Everything was one blur. I felt like a wrestler after a big fight. I could see the shadows of people, standing beside my bed. I felt nothing. Except pain. A sharp pain in my abdomen. The head of the OB/GYN, Dr. Karen Hollow had a long paper stripe in her hand. Cristina looked anxious at the monitors. They both seemed worried. And I didn't like people who looked worried. I was the same kind of doctor. Looking worried when we thought our patients were sleeping. It was a bad sign.

"She needs a surgery. As soon as possible. I'm getting an OR." Hollow stated. I sighed and took a deep breath. Now I realized that there was an oxygen mask over my mouth.

"What's happening to me?" I asked, after I had taken the mask away. They looked at me, but their face expressions didn't chance. My voice was not more than a whisper. My plan had been to say it with self-confidence, but my plan failed. Like my plan to have a normal pregnancy already failed.

"You are in labour. You loose blood. We have to deliver the baby. The baby's blood pressure became lower within the last hours." Dr. Hollow explained what I already knew. My baby would be born now. 9 weeks too early. Premature births weren't rare nowadays. They could survive. But I was afraid.

"Tell Derek." I said. Whispered, to be honest. Cristina stopped me talking and put the oxygen mask back on my face.

"I already did. He is afraid. I didn't allow him to come here." Cristina told me. I relaxed a little bit until there was this sharp pain back again. It felt horrible.

"I'm going to prepare everything." Karen said and left me with Cristina alone.

"I want him with me. Derek, I mean. I want him to be with me when the baby is born." Now my last power left me and I was incredible tired.

"Derek? He isn't allowed to stand up. ….. But I'll try. No problem." she answered. I closed my eyes. I could feel the baby moving. I still didn't know if it was a girl or a boy. Derek was sure it would be a girl. I told him it would be a boy. The others were split. Alex: Boy, Cristina: Boy, Owen: Girl, Arizona: Boy, Callie: Girl. It was like everyone in the hospital had his or her own opinion. I could hardly breathe. My head felt heavy. And I slept.

Cristina ran though the corridor until she reached the ICU and Derek's room. And what she saw was her worst nightmare. Teddy and Jackson stood in front of him. Trying to save his life.

"What happened?" Normally Cristina stayed calm. In every situation she was cool like a freezer. She didn't get crazy. But this time it was different. Altman tried to save Meredith's McDreamy. The father of McBaby.

"His heart stopped beating. We need to get him into the OR. Yang, you'll come with us." Teddy shouted at her.
"I can't. I mean… I have to be with Meredith." Cristina could say. She stumbled out the words.

"Isn't it more important to save her husband?" Jackson asked.

"She is having her baby."

"Okay, be with her. Let's go." Altman told nurses around her. Then they rolled out Derek. He was sedated. Asleep. He couldn't be with Meredith. He couldn't be with his child. And Cristina couldn't Meredith. She took a deep breath and ran back to Meredith's room.

"Dr. Yang! Hurry up. We need to get her into the OR." Hollow shouted at her. She sounded like Teddy. Totally like her. Cristina stared at me like a ghost. I knew I didn't look good. Pale skin, sweat on my forehead and the oxygen mask on my face. Through the mask I tried to say something.

"Where's Derek?" I whispered. Cristina had no answer.

"He couldn't be here. He's not allowed. I'm sorry." She was nervous. I could see that. But my eye lids won the stare fight and I fell asleep. Again.

Cristina was nervous. In a few minutes Meredith would be a mother. Former dark and twisty Meredith would be a shiny and married mommy. She stood in the OR and watched Dr. Hollow performing the surgery. The seconds passed by and Cristina waited for Karen to give her Meredith's baby. Her godchild. Derek and Meredith had told her, she would be the godmother of their first-born baby. She was excited about it. Nobody knew that. Except Meredith. Finally Hollow held the small baby in her hands and handed it to Cristina. It was a baby girl. But there was no first scream. No breathing.

In another OR just a few steps away was Derek. His chest was open. Doctors and nurses stood around him. Teddy operated on him. She bent over his body, a defibrillator in her hands. But his heart still didn't want to start beating. There was only a flatline on the monitor.

Everyone wants to save a life. But sometimes people and patients don't choose life. It's a simple explanation for this simple fact. And we try to explore the reason behind it. Some of them have nothing left to loose. Some of them just want to sleep. And some of them are just born and don't know how beautiful life is. So they don't know that they need to survive. Sometimes people want to fight. To see their friends, their family and their children again. But unfortunately not everyone gets a chance. To live. To die. To survive.