Kendall was having the most delicious dream ever. He was lying in bed all by himself when suddenly he felt the soft weight of a head on his shoulder, a hand splayed across his chest and a leg spread across his. He couldn't see anything but the new body was warm, soft and firm. The leg across his lap provided a torturous amount of friction against him, just enough to feel but not enough to do anything. He squirmed trying to get a better angle until finally he bucked his hips up and moaned as he found what he was looking for. He turned his head and scent overwhelmed him, it was soft and clean but underneath there was something smoky that was so familiar something that screamed boy. He bucked his hip again when he heard a familiar giggle right next to his ear. He opened his eyes and bolted across James' body out of the bed; he didn't stop till he was halfway across the room.

"Jesus! James, inappropriate touching!" He shouted grabbing a pillow from his roommate's bed to cover himself with. James sat on the edge of the bed, when Kendall shouted he bowed his head like a chastised puppy. "What are you doing in my bed?" Kendall asked calming down a little bit.

"I couldn't go back to sleep." James said staring down at his feet. His voice was small, quiet, and broken and Kendall knew he was screwed. That kind of voice could do horrible things to men and women alike. It could make them pick up arms or fall in love. It made Kendall cross the room back to the bed and sit down next to his friend.

"What happened?" He asked wrapping his arm around James' drooping shoulders.

"It was my dad." Kendall's arm tightened reflexively, squeezing James' shoulders. Budd Diamond had been a monster worthy of any child's nightmares. "He was alive and he came to California looking for me. I was out somewhere when I came back to the apartment Carlos and Logan were in the living room floor." James' voice wavered and cracked for a moment. "I came in here and you were in bed. Your lips were blue and you were staring up at the ceiling and there was so much blood." His voice broke and dissolved into ragged sobs. Kendall tucked the crying boy in against his chest and ran his fingers through his hair.

"He's dead, Jamie, he's not coming back to hurt any of us." He said still stroking his friend's hair. It was the softest thing he'd ever felt and it made his fingers feel warm. James sat back sniffling quietly and simply stared at Kendall. After a moment he raised his fingers and touched Kendall's lips. Kendall watched and gasped softly as the long, blunt fingers brushed against his skin as gently as a moth's wing. Kendall watched James' eyes flicker from his mouth up to his eyes and back again before he moistened his lips and moved towards him.

"We have rehearsals at nine; we should probably get some sleep." He said a little too quickly.

"Yeah, okay, you're right." James sighed before climbing from the bed.

"Where are you going?" Kendall asked as he slid back in the bed against the wall and patted the empty mattress beside him. James looked at him for a while before smiling and walking back to the bed. Kendall pretended not to notice the pleased blush that painted James cheeks as he stood by the bed with his hair covering most of his face. He waited patiently for Kendall to settle into his usual comfortable sprawl before he lay down beside him curling into the narrow space left on the edge of the bed. He lay there perfectly still listening to Kendall's breath. When it slowed and deepened he snuggled into the shorter boy. His head found the perfect niche between Kendall's neck and shoulder, his arm stretched across his narrow chest, and his knee across Kendall's splayed legs. He lay there soaking in the smaller boy's warmth for a while before he sat up on his elbow and leaned over to kiss Kendall gently on the lips before lying to sleep. It was too dark for him to see Kendall's lips twist into a small grin.

Katie was always the first one up in the morning, it gave her a few minutes of television and time to sneak a cup of coffee before her Mom got up to stumble into the kitchen and start breakfast. Every morning she got up, went to the living room, turned the television on low, and went into the kitchen to get her coffee. She came back to the living room and sat her coffee down on the coffee table before going to check on Kendall. It had started a few months after their dad left, she checked on him before she went to sleep and when she got up, just to make sure he was still there and alright. That morning was a little different, when she opened the door to Kendall and James' bedroom the shaft of light coming from the living room fell across Kendall's bed but he wasn't alone. She had to press her fingers to her lips to keep from laughing as she recognized James' shaggy head lying on her brother's bare chest, his fingers curled around Kendall's ribs.

She had no idea what had happened last night, but she knew that Kendall was going to wake up with a fair amount of boy drool on his chest and that was enough to keep her smiling all day. She stood in the doorway for a while longer without realizing how long it was putting her behind schedule. When she heard the door open to the room she and her mother shared she quickly reached forward and pulled Kendall's door closed. There are some things moms shouldn't have to try and piece out before coffee.

"Katie what are you doing, hon?" Her mom asked fuzzily as he walked stiffly towards the kitchen.

"Just checking on Kendall, Mommy." Katie replied slipping into her guise of ultimate innocence.

"That's sweet, whose coffee is this?" She asked picking the cup up from the table. "It's still warm."

"I poured it for you, Mommy." Katie said groaning inwardly, there went her coffee.

"Thank you sweetie, but Mommy doesn't take her coffee black." She went to the kitchen and tipped a heaping dose of creamer and sugar into the cup. Katie's eyes narrowed as she watched her beautiful Columbian roast turn a muddy brown colour. She waited until her mother raised the cup to her lips before speaking.

"Mommy, what does gay mean?" She asked grinning devilishly before ducking behind the counter as her mother launched a fine spray of coffee into the air.

When the alarm clock went off Kendall woke slowly, the first thought that crossed his mind was how cold and empty the bed seemed without James in it. He sat up quickly as a half memory of soft heat against his lips rose from the depths of his mind. A whisper of a smile crossed his face before he stood up and headed towards the kitchen. If James was already in the shower it would probably still be fifteen minutes at least before he could get in there. He walked into the kitchen stretching. His mom stood at the stove sipping a cup of coffee, stirring a plate of eggs.

"Good morning." She said smiling as he sat down at the counter in front of his bowl of oatmeal. The warm scent of cinnamon and nutmeg curled up in tendrils of steam from the bowl.
"Morning, Mom." He said before taking a bite of the warm, spicy mush.

"The funniest thing happened this morning." She commented as she turned and shoveled a pile of eggs on each of the plates lined up on the counter in front of her.

"What's that?" He asked curling his nose as the scent of eggs swelled up and overwhelmed his oatmeal.

"When I got up Katie had fixed me a cup of coffee and was standing in front of your door." Kendall shifted nervously and took another bite of oatmeal to avoid commenting. "Then she asked me what gay was." Kendall startled and choked on his oatmeal coughing to clear it from his throat. "That was my reaction too." Mrs. Knight said as she handed him a dishtowel to clean the bits of sputtered oats off his chest. "I wonder what made her ask that."

"I have no idea." Kendall said hurriedly.

"What's that?" She asked gesturing to a patch of dry white film on his upper chest. "It looks like drool, how did you manage that?"

"I don't know, I really don't." Kendall said scrubbing at the drool. "I'm going to go see if James is out of the shower yet." He said sliding down from the stool and heading back towards his bedroom.

"But you didn't finish your oatmeal." She called after him.

"I'm not really hungry right now." He replied as he closed the door behind him. She shrugged as she picked up his bowl and spooned a glob of oats into her mouth.

When James did get out of the shower Kendall was sitting on the bed with his knees curled up to his chest. James came out of the bathroom with a fluffy white towel wrapped around his waist; the towel wasn't exactly made for someone as tall as he was so it hung well above his knee. Kendall watched as he crossed the room and pulled a pair of blue shorts out of his dresser and pulled them up under his towel. His back was to Kendall and when he pulled the boxers up his back the towel came up before the shorts. Kendall caught a lot of skin; he had never realized just how much skin there was on James. Every inch of it was tan, cream and smooth. Kendall had spent the entire night with that skin stretched against him and now his fingers itched to reach out and glide over the soft contours of James' back.

"Are you okay? You look kind of frazzled." James asked quietly as he pulled the towel from around his waist and dropped it on his bed.

"I think Katie saw us." Kendall said rubbing his hand up and down his arm to dispel the urge to touch the tight skin over James' thigh. "Mom said she was standing outside our door when she woke up, and she asked her what gay was." James didn't flinch as he went to the closet and pulled out a black shirt.

"I had a nightmare; I got into bed with you, that's not gay." He said as he pulled the shirt over his head.

"I woke up rubbing myself on your leg, this morning I had a patch of dried drool on my nipple, it was kind of gay, James." Kendall said his voice going high and tight. James grabbed a pair of socks from the dresser and pulled them on his feet before walking back to the closet to pull out a pair of tight low rise jeans.

"Do you want it to be a gay thing?" He asked as he sat down and pulled the jeans up his legs. Kendall's mouth moved but no sound came out as James stood and pulled the jeans up and buttoned them.

"I need to take a shower." Kendall said climbing from the bed and nearly ran into the bathroom.

"Of course you do." James said bitterly to the closed door as he pulled a pair of ankle cut boots out from under his bed and pulled them on. Talk about mixed messages, Kendall freaked out when he woke up grinding against his knee and jumped out of bed, he said they needed sleep when James tried to kiss him, but he invited him back to bed with him. The whole time he was getting dressed he could feel Kendall's eyes burning across his skin but when he asked him how he felt he runs into the bathroom. James stood with a huff and went into the living room.

"Good morning, James." Mrs. Knight said brightly as she put a plate of sausage and eggs in front of his place at the table.

"Morning, Momma Knight." He said dully as he stared balefully down at the sausage.

"You don't sound so good; I hope you boys aren't getting sick." She said putting a glass of orange juice beside his plate.

"I'm fine, just a little tired, I don't know what's wrong with Kendall." He said unable to scrub all the ire out of his voice. Her eyebrows went up and she smiled gently.

"Getting a bit tired of sharing a room?" She asked still smiling.

"No, Kendall's a great roommate; it's just sometimes I don't think he even knows what he wants." James said pushing his eggs around his plate with his fork. Miranda had turned to fill top off her coffee but she stopped dead in the middle of the kitchen floor the coffee sloshing around her cup.

"Forget I said anything," James said standing from the table. He dropped his fork on his plate with a clang and headed towards the door. "I'm going to try and catch some quiet time by the pool before Kelly comes to pick us up." He said walking to the door and closing it behind him.

"But it's raining…and you didn't finish your breakfast." She said staring at the untouched food on James' plate. She looked over at the empty bowl that had held Kendall's half eaten oatmeal. Katie and James' words flowed back through her mind and she took a final sip of coffee before dividing what the food on James' plate between Logan and Carlos' plates. She poured herself another cup of coffee and sat down on the stool behind the counter. She sipped the coffee as she stared off into space, deep in thought.

When Kendall came out of his room dressed she was still sitting at the counter staring at the blank television screen her coffee forgotten and cold in front of her. Kendall grabbed a bottle of juice out of the fridge and sat down at the counter. He was a portrait of misery as he unscrewed the lid and took a drink. She looked at him; his eyes looked a little red.

"Kendall, honey is there anything you want to tell me? Anything at all it doesn't matter." She said quietly staring at him intensely. He looked at her and sighed heavily.

"No, not right now, did James' say where he was going?" She nodded gently; it was answer enough for her.

"Yeah, he said he was going to try and catch some quiet time by the pool." Kendall nodded and headed towards the door. "Don't I get a kiss?" Kendall turned and dropped a peck on her cheek before crossing back to the door.

"Hey, where is everyone?" Logan asked as he came out of the bedroom he and Carlos shared.

"In the rain." She said quietly as she poured her cold coffee into the sink and walked to her bedroom. Logan shrugged and tucked into his breakfast.

Kendall finally found James' standing huddled underneath a small awning by the pool. There wasn't really enough room underneath the narrow overhang for them both so he stood quietly in the rain waiting for James to say something. James didn't even acknowledge him. Kendall turned and walked halfway back to the building before he turned and came back to stand in front of his friend.

"I don't know yet, I'm sorry, okay?" He asked reaching out to grab James' hand.

"You don't know? What don't you know, don't you like me?" James asked looking down at their hands.

"No, I don't like you." He said tightening his grip as James' tried to pull his hand away. "I love you, James. I love you and Carlos and Logan. You are all like brothers to me and that's why I don't know. I've never thought of you that way before and I don't know if I want to risk our friendship."

"Are you thinking of me that way now?" James asked watching Kendall through the shade of his bangs.

"Yes, oh my god, yes. Your hair is the softest thing I've ever touched it's like kitten fur, your skin is warm and soft and firm all at the same time, and you smell so good. You smell like soap and sex and I can't believe I've never noticed before. But I'm afraid that if thing go wrong between us it'll tear us apart, tear our friends apart, and tear the band apart." Kendall said his voice catching a little as he spoke. "And I don't know what is worse, never being able to touch you like this again." He said reaching up to smooth his hand over the other boy's cheek. "Or us breaking up and never seeing you again."

"Alright," James said as Kendall dropped his hand back to his side.

"Alright, that's all you have to say?" He asked.

"Yeah, alright. It's your decision to make, I've already made mine. Kelly's here." James stepped out around Kendall into the rain and walked towards the limo.

"What are you doing, you're soaking wet?" Kelly asked as she walked towards Kendall.

"I don't even know anymore." He said, he stepped around her and headed towards the limo. She watched him walk away before dashing towards the Palmwoods to get Logan and Carlos.

On the way to the studio Carlos, Logan, and Kelly talked about the day's schedule. James sat and stared out the window without speaking. Kendall sat across from him and watched him. Carlos and Logan were oblivious but Kelly noticed. She watched the other two boys uneasily. She knew that something had happened before she got to the Palmwoods, she wasn't sure what but she knew all the boys well enough to know when they were hurting. James and Kendall were definitely hurting.

When they got to the studio James climbed out of the limo and walked off towards the doors without looking back. Kelly, Logan, and Carlos got out and stood underneath the awning watching him go. For the first time Logan noticed something was wrong. He looked from his friends retreating back to the worried look on Kelly's face.

"What's going on with him?" He asked.

"I don't know." She said shaking her head sadly.

"It's none of your business." Kendall said gruffly as he pushed past them and walked towards the front doors.

"What's wrong with them?" Carlos amended as the door swung shut behind Kendall. Kelly shook her head and followed them into the studio.

They tried to have rehearsals but after an hour Gustavo screamed at them to get out. Kendall had stumbled over lyrics that he knew so many times that he wanted to crawl in a hole and hide. James sung like his heart was broken even though they were supposed to be singing a fast song. The longer James sung the harder it was for Kendall to concentrate. As they filed out to go to the limo Gustavo turned down the mic in the recording studio and turned to Kelly.

"What's wrong with my dawgs?" He asked turning to Kelly.

"If I knew I would fix it." Kelly said quietly as she watched them leave.

When the limo got back to the hotel Logan and Carlos piled out and headed towards the lobby. James went and sat down at a table underneath a portico his head in his hands. Kendall stopped and watched him for a few moments before turning and walking into the lobby. Carlos and Logan glanced at each other before running to catch up with him.

"What did you do?" Carlos asked as he caught up with Kendall and put his hand on his shoulder. Kendall spun and knocked Carlos' hand away.

"I already told you it's none of your business." He growled jabbing his finger at the two of them.

"We've never seen James like this before, we're worried." Logan said quietly. "We've never seen you like this before."

"Just stay out of it." Kendall said before disappearing onto the elevator. When he walked into the apartment his mother was sitting on the couch with her hands glasped in her lap. Kendall headed towards his room without saying a word.

"Kendall, can we talk." She asked standing quickly.

"Not right now, please, Mom, not right now." He said turning back to his room. She had heard the tremble in his voice and saw the tears brimming in his eyes.

"Yes, right now." She said walking over and grabbing his arm. "Sit down, please?" She asked her tone pleading. He looked at her miserably before letting her lead him back to the couch. When Logan and Carlos burst through the door she barely looked up at them. "Could you two go to your room for while?"

"Sure, Momma Knight." Logan said grabbing Carlos' wrist and dragging him into their room.

"What's going on Kendall?" She asked turning back to her son.

"I think I'm in love with James." He said looking without looking up from his lap. "And I'm so scared." She took her fingers and tilted his face so she could see him. Tears flowed freely from his eyes. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him to her, he rested his head on her shoulder and started sobbing. "I'm afraid things won't work out and we'll never see each other again, but I love him so much. I can't stand to see him like this."

"Kendall, baby you and James have been friends forever. There is no better way to start a relationship than that. Now I want you to answer a question for me. Can you go the rest of your life loving him like this without being with him?"

"No." Kendall said sitting back and scrubbing his eyes.

"Then you know what you need to do." She said smiling at him through the tears running down her own face. Kendall got up from the couch and went into his room. He changed into dry clothes and sat down on the bed to wait for James. He was more tired than he thought because he fell asleep before James came back.

He woke up to the sound of a strangled whimper. He jumped to his feet and found James curled up in his bed shivering. He walked over to the bed and tried to shake James awake but the other boy only curled more tightly.

"Kendall, please wake up, don't die." James whimpered in his sleep. Kendall shook his head and climbed into the bed and wrapped his arms around James' shaking shoulder.

"Jamie baby, wake up I'm right here. I'm alright, I'm not going anywhere." He said rubbing James' back and dropping small kisses across his face. Finally James' eyes flew open and he grabbed hold of Kendall tears flooding down his face. "I love you; I love you so much I never thought anything could feel like this." James didn't say a word he simply curled deeper into Kendall's chest. When James' shoulder finally stopped shaking Kendall pulled away just enough that he could see his face. "I made my decision; whatever happens it's worth it. This is worth it." He said smoothing his hand across his cheek before leaning in to take his lips in a kiss.