Sakura plopped under a tree and discarded a teal messenger bag. She was angry – no, that was an understatement. She was officially pissed off. Tsunade assigned her an S-ranked mission, but kept silent about the details. She knew damn right that Sakura would've refused the mission if she explained what it was about. Instead, neatly inked words resumed the mission.

Scroll messenger. Scroll fucking messenger.

Who did they think she was; a genin? The mission was boring, tiring and insulting. If it was another B-ranked mission, Sakura would've destroyed the scroll the moment she found a chance. But not with S-ranked scrolls containing powerful jutsus – probably forbidden as well.

Sakura sighed and decided that she would get back to Tsunade one way or another. But she would have to wait for vengeance for approximately two weeks or more. She was impatient and waiting was not going to do. If she was going to be running through a desert, at least she wanted to know what the fuss was all about. S-Ranked scrolls were usually sent out with team missions, not solo missions. Curiosity was nagging her mind. Maybe Tsunade miswrote the mission? Maybe nobody would notice if she took a peek? She was certainly a qualified kunoichi. Yeah, she decided that nobody would notice. Sakura reached into the messenger bag and snatched out the solitary scroll.

She easily warded off the traps it contained, and expertly decrypted its contents. So much for security. What followed confused her. It was so confusing that she wondered if it was some kind of genjustsu playing with her mind. After a soft 'kai' and many pinches, she realized she was, in fact, reading what she was reading. She stared at the words with a stupefied expression. Her mouth hung agape, her emerald eyes perfectly round.

What the fuck is this?

"We invite all our fellow Suna ANBU comrades to join us… in… a party?" Her voice grew tiny with every word, until she squealed out the last word with utter dismay. A party? That's the S-ranked mission? "What. The. Fu-" a bug crawled over her thigh. Infuriated beyond comprehension, Sakura let out an earsplitting scream, crushing the bug with a merciless slap.

She gagged and wiped the bug's bloody carcass off her hand. Still pissed off, she stood up and stuffed the scroll back into the messenger bag. She could pretty much guess what was inside. 'Strip club for the kages!' Or better yet, 'Gambling with the great Godaime!'. Sakura was so angry she knocked a tree over with a punch. She could've been working on her chakra regenerating investigation for Kami's sake. She could be saving lives and training. She could be finishing her knitted sweater. She could be doing things that actually mattered.

Sakura pondered on abandoning the scroll only to sigh at the irrational occurrence. This was a mission, for crying out loud. She was going to get through with it and demand Tsunade a formal explanation once she returned. Or wait until she was sober enough to actually answer; either way, Sakura was going to get answers.

Not thinking about the contents of the scroll, Sakura hauled the messenger bag over her shoulder. She grimaced at its color. Why did it have to be teal, of all colors? It clashed with her pink hair. Unacceptable. Grumbling incoherent insults, the medic-nin started to trek through the forest. She was agitated and angry - not the best mix for this Kunoichi.

She walked for endless miles, the dust road presenting more and more dust until it eventually became sand. Sakura hated sand. It always got into the most inconvenient places, like her bra. Her boobs would itch for days thanks to the cursed sand. Stalling her visit to Suna was an urgent necessity, for she possessed no willpower at that exact moment. Her feet were already itchy with sand. She wondered how urgent the message actually was. I mean, Tsunade had only instructed her to get it to Suna as fast as possible, but that meant it relied heavily on Sakura's conditions. The kunoichi rationalized the logic even more deciding that she deserved a resting day. Of course. She was such a hard working kunoichi. She sincerely doubted anyone would be after the contents of the scroll, so why not relax?

'A detour,' she assured herself, turning towards the opposite direction. She had spotted the most heavenly looking hot spring just a few miles away from Suna's border. It was so convenient. She was practically drooling with anticipation. Screw 'urgent' scrolls and their cryptic almost insulting contents. Sakura needed a good hot bath and Sakura got what she wanted. Punches or not involved.

The sun was cooking her exposed flesh turning its once pale-white tone to a lobster red. She looked like a spawn of the devil that crawled out of hell, not to mention the facial expression that practically bled anger. Oh, yes, the medic-nin was infuriated. After hours of running around sand dunes she decided she had no idea where she was heading. She was lost. How does a kunoichi get lost? She didn't know. She was angry. She was able to heal people with lethal wounds, and be very feminine whilst doing so, but she couldn't retrace her steps to a hot spring. She was so glad nobody was here to witness such humiliation.

Her mental rant got rudely interrupted with the biggest sigh Sakura had ever heard. It was like a bear attempting a sigh but managing instead a gruesome roar. Mentally, the pink-haired-crap-looking kunoichi was ready for a battle but her body didn't think so. Her muscles were aching like a giant bruise, and dealing with a bear was not in her to-do list. Well, if it was actually a bear.

"Fuck."

It wasn't a bear. Not if bears happened to be over six-feet tall and carried around lethal weapons. Also, bears were not known to have a sense of fashion that highly resembled a pattern known to be part of a high criminal unit. As fate would have it, the bear was not a bear, but instead an Akatsuki member, taking a nice stroll under the searing sun. Brushing away the fact that he had blue skin, a massive sword, gravity defying hair, gills and a nicely done manicure; Sakura was more than relieved to know that someone else was suffering with sunburns.

The aquiline man stared at Sakura with shark-like eyes, never blinking. Starting to feel a bit grossed out, the kunoichi decided it was an excellent moment to stop staring. She didn't know what one said to high-profile criminals, but nothing clever came to mind."What the hell are you doing here?" She could hear Tsunade's disappointment echoing through the desert. All she wanted to do was find a local inn and sleep until Tsunade sent a rescue party for her. Instead, she ridiculed herself. Wonderful.

"Looking for you," the man grunted. He looked unimpressed. He raised his hand, about to reach for his sword. Sakura freaked out.

"Oh, wait- No, no, no! We can come down to some kind of agreement, can't we? Let's not involve that… uh…-"

Penis looking thing? her inner offered

"- … weapon." Sakura coughed awkwardly. The last thing she wanted to be was to get cock-sliced. And she honestly didn't know since when her Inner had revived. This was not the best moment for reunions.

"You mean Samehada?" he blinked. "Don't worry, kitten. He won't be a bother," his lips twitched into a smirk as he hauled his massive sword. Not being a bother her ass. Sakura was ready to runaway screaming. "I'm looking for a scroll you happen to have," he frowned with distaste. So, apparently, he didn't appreciate being sent to petty missions like Sakura. That was good, they shared some similarities.

That won't stop him from giving you a cock-slap, genius, her inner snapped with distaste, but immediately focused her fictional concentration on the enemy's nicely shaped face. 'It has gills,' Sakura observed with horror, but inner ignored her. It was so angular and…

"Done staring?" the man snipped with anger, causing the kunoichi to straighten her back.

"What's there to stare at?" she retaliated, noticing far too late just how stupid her comeback was. An awkward silence followed after, the sound of the cicadas causing a tiny headache to form on her temples. She was really hot. The man in front of her –who was giving her praiseful looks-, seemed to agree. He was also hot, despite his moist looking skin.

"Yeah, well, I'm tired of following your shitty trail around," he took a threatening step forward. "Hand over the scroll, and I just might spare one of your legs." He eyed her feet and licked his razor-sharp teeth. Sakura immediately drew out a kunai, prepared for the worst.

"I don't think so, sushi." Her pet-name caused the man to grimace with disapproval. Apparently, he was touchy about his looks. Sakura felt a twinge of sympathy, and the thought of apologizing crossed her mind. Until she remembered that he was a notorious criminal that wanted to saw off her legs. That definitely killed her empathy levels. She raised her weapon.

Giving no warning, the man made a chain of hand seals, taking the pink-haired kunoichi by surprised. She was in a state of dismay when water started to pour out of the man's mouth. She almost gagged. Her fists accumulated large quantities of chakra, giving them a bluish color. She didn't know how she was going to punch the blue freak but she had to get close. It really didn't matter. She hated looking like a sitting duck.

Nearing the Akatsuki criminal, Sakura noticed that a shark-shaped water form was hurling itself towards her. 'Well, fuck.' Was all she managed to think before blocking the chakra pumped shark. She nearly tripped backwards but regained her equilibrium in time. So, apparently, she was not going to land any punches on the bastard. She was kind of screwed.

Not knowing what to do, Sakura patiently waited for his next attack. It never came. Quirking an eyebrow, the medic-nin stared at the Monster of the Mist, trying to decipher what was going on in his head.

"Well…?" she prompted with impatience, trying to find out what was going on. He was just standing there, grinning like a wicked fool. Her brows furrowed with annoyance, but she decided to stay put. Still, nothing. He was infuriating her. Her patience snapped, and she fell into a full-blown sprint. Instead of aiming for the blue male, Sakura decided to split the earth in half. That seemed to draw his attention.

"Holy-" he jumped sideways, ungracefully tripping on his cloak whilst doing so. He landed on a puddle of mud - face first. Sakura stared at him with confusion, her battle stance long forgotten. Did she just see one of the most wanted criminals trip and fall? Could shinobi even trip? She was about to ask if he was okay and if he was ready to die when the body 'poofed' into nothing. Her eyes grew wide. She turned around in time to dodge a kick.

"Sneaky sushi!" she barked, before punching his gut with a chakra laced fist. The figure simply melted into a puddle of water, soaking Sakura's feet. She relished the cold feeling until a chakra presence made itself known – behind her. Instead of turning around, the kunoichi simply hopped forward, staying out of the foe's grasp. She heard a growl rumble behind her.

"Nice try." Sakura's eyes closed shut, when a wave of water enveloped her whole figure. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't move, and she could definitely not curse. But she tried doing all of those at once, causing her lungs and stomach to expand with large amounts of water. She was drowning and panicking and goddamnit she was thinking her cause of death would have been more interesting than drowning in a water cage jutsu damn it.

After a few moments of torture, the jutsu was released, revealing a very pissed off girl. Her chest was heaving with effort, the lack of oxygen causing her flushed cheeks to turn pale and her lips blue. She enjoyed the sun's warm rays before punching the ground with frustration. "Idiot!" she hollered and reached for the soaked messenger bag. "Now we both failed our mission!" The word furious was an understatement. But Sakura was a horrible liar, and the smirk that she meticulously tried to hide came to life.

Bullshit, inner boomed with laughter. The scroll is water resistant, idiot. There was a long pause. And the real scroll is in your bra. Sakura regretted that.

"Scrolls don't get ruined with a bit of water," the man clicked his tongue with disappointment. "Even a genin knows that, kitten." Honest to Kami, what was wrong with the man? She did not resemble a kitten in any way, unless it was a devil-kitten dyed in pink. That could be understandable, to some degree.

'Focus,' Sakura thought with frustration, but couldn't help the blush that dusted her cheeks. She would rather die cock-slapped by Sammyhada than tell him were the real scrolls were located. Without further argument, she tossed the teal messenger bag at him, glad that she had one less burden on her shoulder. That is, until she remembered that a pack of tampons was neatly packed inside the bag. She nearly screamed at him to give it back, but noticed he had already opened it.

Real smooth, dumbass, inner exploded with disapproval, making the already flustered Sakura more bewildered.

"Hmm?" the man narrowed his eyes, before taking out a soggy box of tampons. Sakura turned beet red, fidgeting on the mud like Hinata would in front of Naruto.

Sakura casually thought that perhaps dying in the water cage jutsu wouldn't have been that terrible. She definitely knew of worse deaths. Finally realizing what it was, the mist-nin tossed the box away, chuckling with a teasing tone. Sakura awkwardly coughed, trying to ignore the sideway glances he kept shooting at her. She was more concerned about her tampons, they had cost her a good amount of coins.

At last, after discarding various items of the bag –and Sakura's stuttered excuses-, the Akatsuki member found what he was looking for. He frowned with annoyance, glaring at the pink-haired girl. He was surprised she hadn't runaway and that she was actually staring at his face without flinching. He deduced that she was stupid. He wanted to tell her how sorry he felt for her stupidity, but concentrated on the task at hand.

"This one's fake," he said with a flat voice.

"No, it's not!" the kunoichi argued.

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No, damn it!"

"Yes! And if you say anything else I'll cut off your hand, understood?" he snarled with clear annoyance. Sakura immediately snapped shut her mouth.

"Give me the real scroll or your village will have to send multiple rescue squads to find all your missing limbs," he instructed with a hand stretched forward, not-so-patiently waiting for the scroll. Sakura simply kept staring at him.

"Okay, but-" she started running towards the Konoha border which was a couple of hours away. It was suicide. Her lousy attempt of escape ended up in a wrestling match, and soon, she found herself pinned underneath a heavy body

"Where is it?" the man growled, causing a wave of vibrations to course through Sakura's body. She nearly sighed with approval, until her current predicament slapped her across the face. Her hair was filthy with mud, but all she could register was how extremely close he was.

"Well, you see, if I told you…" she smirked, "I'd have to kill you."

He smirked back at her. "Oh, really now? And how to you plan on doing that, kitten? Chewing off my face?"

"Well, first off - " she couldn't remember his name.

"Kisame," he supplied with a very courteous voice. Soon, they could start talking about how nice the weather was, despite being in the middle of a 'battle' – if you could it that.

"- Kisame," she continued, "I have a contract to finish, and that involves to 'not give out any information on your mission if you value your motherfucking life', so yeah. Sorry I can't help."

"Ask me if I care."

"Do you - "

"No. Now, give me the damn scroll before I choke you to death." And, certainly, that was something Sakura was not willing to live through.

"Uh… if you'd kindly release your bone-shattering grip on my wrists, I'd give you the scroll with pleasure."

Kisame chuckled with amusement, "no can do, kitten. You'd just try to kill me if I did." And for once, Sakura sulked at her misfortune. He was smarter than he let on. "Now, I give you one more chance before I strip you, how about that?" he flashed a row of sharp teeth. She visibly gulped with dread.

"Aha, funny thing… I… I forgot…"

His left hand took hold of both her wrists.

"I really can't recall - "

He touched her hip, lightly tugging at the medic apron.

"- for kami's sake! My bra, it's in my bra!"

…

"Oh, fuck my life." She moaned before slapping her head against the mud. Kisame simply stared at her with a riddled look.

"It's in your - "

"Yes," she said with a solemn voice.

"Hn." Was all the blue-faced man grunted before reaching for the zipper.

"Whoa, what the fuck are you doing?" she squealed and squirmed under him, causing the man to become very aggravated.

"Stay still," he chided, before pulling down the zipper.

"Rape, rape, rape, rape!" she screamed, still trashing about. "Get off! I don't want to get violated by sushi! Ah! I like being a virgin!"

"Shut up," he snapped, "I don't want to screw around with a kitten – pink, at that." That seemed to silence her.

Trying to focus, Kisame stared at her revealed cleavage. There wasn't much to look at. Sweat rolled down to the valley of her breasts, causing his breath to hitch behind his breath. He couldn't see the scroll anywhere, was she lying? He glanced up at her, unable to form a suitable glare.

"Where is it?" he demanded.

"What do you mean with 'where is it?'" she asked with a puzzled look. Her cheeks were so red.

"Yeah, I don't see a scroll here." He poked in between her covered breasts, causing her to squeal with surprise.

"Don't do that!" she screeched. "I don't know! How would I know? Get off!" she summoned all her strength, trying to heave him off her. To him, she was tickling him. He chuckled.

"Easy there, kitten. Now, tell me where the scroll is before I take off your - " a flicker of movement snared Kisame's attention, causing his head to snap sideways. A wild cat had a scroll between its sharp fangs, ears flat with anger.

"Hey, kitten," Kisame addressed Sakura, "tell the fur-ball to drop the scroll." He spared the pink-haired Kunoichi a glance, before resting his gaze on the cat again.

"I don't speak cat, idiot," she hissed. The cat's ears perked up, staring at Sakura with an intent look. Kisame shot Sakura a 'I-knew-it' look, before smirking. "I can't believe I'm doing this…" she mumbled, before turning towards the cat.

"Meow?" she said flatly. There was no reaction.

"Oh, come on, kitten - "

"My name's Sakura, douche."

" - not even I believed that shitty mewling." He ignored her completely.

"Ugh, fine." She turned at the cat again. "Meowww, purr, purr, fuck you scroll stealing - I mean, meow." Still, the cat did not even blink. "Fucking, meow! Meow, meow, meow! This is fucking ridiculous!" Sakura screamed with frustration. "Just get Sammyhada out and dick-slap the fucker!"

Kisame's eyes narrowed dangerously, "Sammy-what?"

Sakura quickly turned back to the cat. "Meooow, meow, I'm about to get murdered, react, fucker! Purr, meow, whatever noise cat do, meow, meow!" she went silent, the cat simply stared at her. Then, Sakura hissed. The cat stood up, taking a step forward. Kisame beamed at the sight. Sakura kept hissing, her throat growing sore.

"Good, now, cat, just a little bit closer…" Sakura breathed, delighted with the fact that she could speak cat. Kisame dared not move; certain that he'd scare away the small animal. At last, after a whole eternity, the cat approached Sakura.

"I love- "

It scratched her nose.

"- die motherfucker, dieeeee!" she screeched with a dignified tone, watching how Kisame lamely attempted to catch the scroll stealing sucker. Sakura was free at last, but she felt so dirty and defeated, that she stayed on the mud, grimacing.

"You scared it away." He grumbled, getting off her. Sakura sighed with relief.

She tsk'ed with annoyance. "I was pinned down in the mud, thank you very much. Now, thanks to you I just failed an S-ranked mission." Sakura pouted, and then stood up.

"Me too, kitten. Seems we're both into some trouble," he flashed her that infamous smirk of his.

"My name's not kitten," she muttered, before dusting herself off.

"Whatever, kitten. I have to get going…" he looked around awkwardly, not sure what to say next. Sakura raked her fingers between the knots of her hair, trying to look somewhat decent.

"I got intercepted by high classed bandits while sleeping."

"I found you after you lost the scroll," he supplied.

"Deal." She zipped up her jacket.

"See ya'," Kisame grinned, before vanishing into thin air.

Sakura sighed, and turned towards what she thought was east. It was time to get back to Konoha and report the failed mission. The medic kunoichi sighed with disappointment, but started walking anyway. "I want to eat sushi," she said to no one in particular. She could've sworn she heard a soft chuckle drift across the clearing, but ignored it either way.

It seemed like some Suna shinobi weren't going to attend a party. Such a shame.

EDIT:

Hello dear readers. I wrote this in 2010 and decided to edit it five years later. I didn't remember I wrote this and found it amusing. I decided to continue the short story and will be delivering more chapters. Even after some heavy editing, the difference between the first and subsequent chapters will be apparent. I learned a lot in five years. Please, leave a comment and tell me what you think.

I do not own Naruto.