Look at me, updating after a few months instead of after a year. It's progress, though the quality of my progress is for you to judge. Enjoy this newest chapter, while I enjoy my China/Yao necklace that I bought on Etsy and will love for all time.
December 1st
Tuesday, returned to school with a new gift and a new burden
Umbra said she would try and make me feel better, and mysteriously,
During announcements this morning, they played "Jingle Bells"
How nice to hear that (and see Tino dancing to it before class)
I think I'll just black out third period: much beloved AP history
Where Alfred said "What's up"
And had a massive hickey on his neck.
December 2nd
Soccer season is done, but Matt came by for just that
"Once school's out, would you like to go the park? Kick it around?"
I said sure, and when we left, he walked with his head bowed
He was acting like Peter, following me, trying to reach out
So I reached out, too and he nearly fell apart
"Al sneaks out of the house at night to see this girl…
And comes back looking high or something.
He's been coming back worse and worse.
You're his friend, he thinks you're cool…can you talk to him? Please?"
Matt is worried and hurting here so my gleeful explosion over being the cool kid
Will just have to wait till later, for a silent night in my bedroom
I told him I would try.
December 3rd
Tried to talk to Alfred today. Really. But didn't know what to say.
Matt waits for an answer I was too cowardly to retrieve
I'm worried about those brothers, but I'm also worried about mine
This morning, just before Mom could call us down,
Peter tried to talk about Dad
All my allegedly composed, elegant vocabulary
Gone
I feel like a failure today.
December 4th
I did talk to him today.
"Mattie sent you to slap me on the hand, huh? Aw, little wimp.
Don't worry, man, it's just my girlfriend and me havin' fun. No harm."
My worry, disguised as Matt's, exploded, roared
"coming home looking drugged off your ass/you're going to crash and burn/how dare you"
I've never yelled at him before. Never. But he smiled.
"A little weed never hurt anybody, man. We're not bothering other people or anything."
He's always been quite stupid. And Umbra was encouraging me, so:
"Except your own stupid ass, Alfred. And your family if they find out."
But my love smiled, twisted my heart. "I'll leave her if shit starts getting bad, 'kay? Tell Mattie that."
I did, and watched his body sink, so despairing
Alfred is probably off somewhere smiling still.
December 7th
Kiku's day today. His family is hardcore Pearl Harbor remembrance.
Alfred is hardcore "Let's go visit the Pearl Harbor museum even though it's in Hawaii."
He's wanted to do that with a class since middle school, when I first met him.
That love for history never died.
"Come on, Mr. Morrison, if everybody pays we can sign some permission slips and go, right?
And we'll make T-shirts for the class! 'Third period to Pearl Harbor!'"
The class thought it was pretty hilarious.
Kiku stayed quiet, wherever he was, as did I
While Ringo imagined up a girlfriend and tore her to bleeding bits
December 9th
Date night with Marissa. I brought her to my house
(About damn time I blatantly reinforced the hetero mask for Mom)
Peter knows she's a cover. Still likes her, though.
She loves word games so we played Scrabble
She insisted 'lesbianity' was a word to obtain victory
Once she was gone—with a kiss goodbye—
I rushed to Facebook for the bane of my existence
He hasn't posted there since the day before Matt came to me.
Could mean absolutely nothing
Except that I'm an obsessed homo stalker
But I'm so worried…
December 10th
East coast takes a bloody long time to give a good snow day
Snowball struck my best jacket like a fucking rhinoceros
Which led to Kiku, Elizaveta, Ivan and me (lord, what a mix)
Playing like ten-year-olds for four hours.
Call me senile—many people do—
But it was nice to play around and forget my troubles for a time
Perhaps Alfred is doing just that with his girlfriend:
Forgetting troubles.
I don't even know what troubles he has anymore.
December 11th
The school's always been good at adding some Christmas flair to the halls
That, and Kiku's text conversation last night
(we talked about Madoka Magica, goddamned brilliant girly anime)
Distracted me till I nearly didn't see Matt storm past me to the gym
The gossip chain insists he called his brother a "hopeless, fat fuck"
In front of two teachers.
Online, I pleaded him for the story and answer
Inside, I prayed.
What did I miss while I played like a stupid child in the snow yesterday?
December 11th, Part 2
I dislike writing two entries a day.
But I have to chronicle this. Matt's reply.
He threatened to tell his parents about his brother's girlfriend
And, so simply, Alfred caved, claimed to be done with such things
Not the girlfriend, though
"I'm a suckish big-brother role model, I know, but I'm not a fuckin' druggie, okay?"
Matt said thank you for helping to save him
Aljan whispers in my ear that that's bullshit
But he can stick a dragon horn up his ass
December 13th
Fifty degrees is December heatwave, so I went for a run.
Had a guitar solo in my ear buds, but a voice cut through
Alfred was behind me, surprised, happy, grateful
And I, too tired to fidget and flush like a preteen girl
"I'm guessing my bro texted you about Alejandra?"
Alejandra. (you horrid bitch you could have ruined him)
He thanked me. Put his arm around me. Said he was happy to have a smart friend. Then:
"Dude, you should come over more often."
We walked and talked for four blocks, blissfully alone
Blissful sun on his hair and mine
So we matched, were equally warm
Till I came home with that sweet and pulsing ache
Looks like back to business as usual.
December 14th (Note: Matt's hockey game tomorrow. Will attend.)
Woke up knowing I would go to Alfred's house today,
Sailed through my calculus test, the college prepping papers, Davidson's new seating chart
Even poor Peter. But I'll make it up to him later.
Oh my God, I walked home with Alfred.
Like we were fourteen again
But we've grown bigger and my pathetic heart's grown fonder
Every word and laugh and energized step
All those small nuances of himself he doesn't know, but I do
Made me melt and collapse completely
It's only because he's a goddamned airhead that he didn't notice
Being pathetically in love warmed my freezing walk home
December 15th
Perhaps 'busy' is a good thing to be
Fire drill this morning (interesting conversation with Feliciano about Lolcats)
Francis texted me for the first time since the dawn of the dinosaurs
We put up the giant Christmas tree at home
Traveled to the rink downtown to see Matt turn into a vicious offense
And his cheering brother, pulling my eyes away
Still feeling traces of him on me, or I want to believe I do…
I have that, and a peaceful night ahead of me
I know what kinds of dreams I'll have soon.
December 16th
Today I thought about progress
In June, I'm done with high school forever. College awaits.
The natural order of things obliges me to leave my family, my home
And assume I can scrape up a new one
And a career on top of it. A university. A new life, a new stage
On-off daydreams of being a lawyer are all I have in that department
I haven't even made progress in my own stage
(Subsisting on scraps, watching, wishing)
I'm scared about having to deal with this new one as well
December 18th
A fine Friday for seeing a movie with Kiku
We haven't hung out in a while, it seems.
We caught up on each other.
(Spoke some Japanese to him for the first time in forever)
Hearing stories from my best friend feels nice.
Wonder how he felt hearing my stories about Alfred,
Since he interrupted them.
"Arthur, I…I wonder why you still have not asked him…
Why he hasn't spoken to you since ninth grade?"
"No."
"Please do it. I know you wonder. I know it will make you feel better to say it."
"Feel better? I know the answer already. I wasn't worth remembering."
"Do not say that," Kiku scolded me, but he was weak.
December 20th
Kiku's words from yesterday are still resonating
He's too wise for someone our age
Did he mean I'm a coward, or that I should face my fear?
It's Christmastime, I shouldn't feel so sad
I should be thinking about family, not my own lack of a love life
Before today I felt I was making some progress
That feeling has dissolved now
I'm no closer.
December 21st
First day of Christmas Break, and I've decided to focus on family more
I finally went and got Peter the Donkey Kong game he wanted
This and Mum's special German chocolate are craftily hidden in my room
(It sure would be nice to drive my own car and not my Mum's)
But after getting gifts, Ringo and Aljan came, for hours
And there's a new one now, a black reptilian thing
Swimming outside my window
Drifting where he can watch me
I was used to ignoring my hallucinations
They seem stronger than ever now and it's scaring me.
December 22nd
Peter wanted me to play his embarrassing dancing Kinect game
Because I'm a good elder brother, I did
Never will I indulge to anyone how much fun that was
Peter says my skills are, apparently, so awesome
I should invite Alfred over and show him.
He's trying to help.
My face fell into a red blush, noiseless emotion
He knows the truth of me, keeps it loyally close, and still I froze.
My brother has never really seen me react like that
Never seen the true vulnerability
"…It's okay, Arthur. At least he's your friend now.
That's like…a step in the right direction? And stuff?"
I have the fucking best little brother.
December 24th
Mum made reindeer shaped cookies
Orgasmic when dipped in milk
I did my Jingle Bell Rock routine just for Peter
Who believes I'm a secret rockstar just for that
And it's a white Christmas, too
White Christmas Eve. Whatever.
Today has been excellent.
It's possibly the last Christmas I spend living with family
No dwelling on that now
Tomorrow's a big day.
~jingle bell jingle bell jingle bell ROCKKK!~
December 25th
Day of gifts, of family and love, and wrapping paper all over the place
And the annual picture of the Kirkland sons buried in it
Mum sends it right back to the grandparents in England
Hours of movies and holiday foods
A tsunami of "Merry Christmas" texts
Today I'm not lovesick, I'm not hiding, I'm not a liar, I'm not scared
Just happy.
December 27th
9:15 AM one of my secret fantasies came to life
Or so it seemed when he rang my doorbell this morning
How the fuck does he even remember where I live?
"Wassup Arthur! Never told you this, but I got this tradition thing goin'.
My dad drives me to my friends' houses on the twenty-seventh
And I give them presents and stuff! So here's yours, bro!"
A soccer ball keychain and English tea
You scatterbrained fuck, I love you I love you
This is not a joke, this is not bullshit teenage lust
You hardly know me, but I can't ever forget you, or anything you do
He left as quick as he'd come, speeding gallantly away
Did Matt tell him where I live?
Did he remember? DID HE REMEMBER?
December 28th
Kiku suggested that I start writing him love letters
He even offered to drop them in Alfred's locker
Everyone would believe he's just the messenger
(from one of those girls who thinks he's Adorkably Asian)
I've been replaying all my memories of Alfred Forrest Jones
Seeing again those days with him, making up days that could be
Silently re-imagining the nights with him
I think Kiku's onto something and I might just do it
It might officially label me the girliest man ever
Oh well.
O December chapter, December chapter, wherefore* art thou so UNSATISFYING DX
(* "wherefore" means why, not where)
Not kidding, I did not much like this chapter, I felt again and again I didn't really know where I was going with it. I was, however, so clever as to actually make Arthur himself say that in his diary entries. Even he acknowledges that not enough is happening in his progress(?) with Alfred. He may have helped him turn away from a freak girlfriend who tried to turn him on to drugs, and become a part of his sect of friends so special that Alfred personally hand-delivers their Christmas presents, but this isn't exactly what Arthur is hoping for in the end. On the other hand, he's not sure how to get to where he wants to be, either. So used to sitting on the sidelines and pining.
At some point I will finally address why/how Alfred seemingly forget Arthur existed after their ninth grade year. It's no big surprise, really, Alfred honest-to-God just forgot about him, which is taking normal scatterbrained-ness to Beyond Ridiculous levels, but isn't that what Alfred F. Jones and his beloved, exaggerated country are all about?
PS: Does anyone agree with Arthur about Madoka Magica, about its being a "brilliant girly" anime? I love it so, ripping apart and re-creating the "magical girl" steretype.