GILLIAN WALKS INTO THE LIGHTMAN GROUP BECAUSE SHE LIVES THERE. ALEC IS AT HER HOUSE AND SHE DOESN'T WANT ANY OF HIS COKE AND DEEP DOWN SHE KNOWS SHE COULD NEVER GET PREGNANT BECAUSE HE WAS JUST FIRING BLANKS THE WHOLE TIME BUT THE FIRST TIME HER AND CAL GET IT ON YOU CAN EXPECT A MAGICAL, MAGICAL PREGNANCY 'O DRAMA.

TORRES THE BISEXUAL IS HITTING ON ALL THE LADIES OF THE OFFICE BECAUSE THERE ARE ONLY TWO MEN THAT WORK THERE AND ONE OF THEM IS EMOTIONALLY CRIPPLED/TAKEN! AND THE OTHER IS A FIVE-YEAR-OLD TRAPPED IN A BADLY GROOMED MAN'S BODY. SHE REMEMBERS HEIDI AND HOW SHE WANTED TO TAP THAT ASS SO SHE GOES OFF TO FIND HER, BUT INSTEAD FINDS THIS DUMB ASS BIMBO WHO CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER A SCRUFFY IRISH MAN'S FACE. THEN SHE THINKS ABOUT DUPREE.

TORRES: "WHO?"

ME: "RIIIIIIGHT."

CAL COMES INTO THE OFFICE LOOKING ~CHARMINGLY~ SCRUFFTASTIC AND CALLS EVERY WOMAN (AND LOKER) LUV BEFORE THEY CAN BOTHER HIM WITH THEIR FRIVOLOUS INFORMATION, BECAUSE THERE'S ONLY ROOM FOR FOUR-

ME: "ONE, REALLY."

-MAIN CHARACTERS ON THIS SHOW. HE PASSES FOSTER CHUGGING A PUDDING SLUSHIE, BUT THEN REALISES THAT CAN'T BE TRUE BECAUSE FOSTER HAS NO LIFE BESIDES PINING AWAY FOR CAL THIS SEASON, AND CERTAINLY NOT ENOUGH TIME TO ENJOY TASTY TREATS LIKE CHARACTERIZATION. THAT'S SO SEASON ONE.

EMILY RUNS IN LOOKING SCARED BECAUSE . . . YEAH, THERE'S NO REASON.

ZOE DECIDES TO GET MARRIED TO SOME RICH GUY AND RUNS AWAY TO VEGAS, BECAUSE SHE KNOWS CAL AND HIS ~GUARDIAN~ (*COUGH*GILLIAN*COUGH*) WON'T FOLLOW HER TO THAT EVIL, WRETCHED CITY. CAL DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THIS AND ASKS RANDOM SHADY MAN #1 IF HE CAN TAKE HIS GUN OUT OF HIS FACE FOR A SECOND SO HE CAN THINK, BECAUSE A GOOD TIME TO THINK ~LIFE AND DEATH~ SITUATIONS MAKE NOT.

LOKER TYPES ON A COMPUTER AND WE DON'T SEE HIM AGAIN FOR ANOTHER 21 DAYS. BUT I'M SURE HE'LL HAVING SOMETHING SEXUAL TO SAY.

LOKER: "~GONADS~"

MEANWHILE, A BLONDE WOMAN WALKS IN WHO IS OBVIOUSLY PISSED AT CAL FOR SOMETHING HE WILL DO THREE EPISODES FROM NOW BECAUSE THIS IS REALLY EPISODE 16 BUT THEY'RE AIRING IT AS EPISODE 13 AND EPISODE 15 INVOLVED SOME HEAVY SHIT WITH THIS LADY AND CAL'S APPARENT ASSASSINATION OF HER HUSBAND WHO WE WON'T MEET UNTIL EPISODE 14, BUT FOX LIKES TO BELIEVE TIME IS A SUBJECTIVE PHILOSOPHY.

CAL SCREAMS "BLOODY HELL" BECAUSE THAT'S HIS NEW ~THING~ BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, HE'S SO TOTALLY ~BRITISH~ AND SAYS STUFF LIKE THAT EVERY OTHER WORD BECAUSE IT IS A DISEASE SHARED BY ALL BRITS AND IF THEY DON'T SAY IT THEN SOME YOUNG BRITISH FOOTBALL (SOCCER!) PRODIGY WILL MYSTERIOUSLY DEVELOP A HORRIBLE LEG DISEASE AND KEEP ENGLAND FROM WINNING THE WORLD CUP. THEN THERE'D BE A LOT MORE "BLOODY HELL"S AND SHIT, I'M RAMBLING. BUT IT'S GOTTA BE FUNNY WHEN BAD BRITS GO TO HELL A REALIZE IT'S COVERED IN ~ICE~, AND NOT SO MUCH ~BLOOD~, BECAUSE DANTE TELLS NO LIES.

IN THE OTHER ROOM, GILLIAN DOES CAL'S TAXES BECAUSE SHE'S JUST THAT KIND OF PERSON.

CAL POINTS OUT HIS THREE OBLIGATORY MICROEXPRESSIONS, GETS MAN-HANDLED A FEW TIMES, GETS AN EYE AND/OR NOSE INJURY, GOES "OI!" OR "WOAH!" LIKE SOME KID FROM A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY WHO HAS NEVER SEEN A 3-D MOVIE, AND THERE'S SOME ~INTENSE EYE CONTACT~ ALL AROUND THE BOARD.

DID YOU LIKE THIS EPISODE? OF COURSE YOU DID. IT'S lie to me.

ME: "YAY."

YOU: "YAY."

CAL: "BLOODY HELL!"