Title: Blushing

Synopsis: You know, Kida is jealous of Mikado and Anri. All he wants are those little moments that two people share back. Mikado/Anri, Kida/Saki, also has a little Simon and Izaya (not together).

Rating: T for a perverted teenage boy's screwed-up mind.

A/N: A sort of contemplative thing that I wrote at two am when I couldn't sleep. Hope you enjoy Kida angsting. Because I know I do. :/

Disclaimer: I don't own Durarara! Because if I did Shizuo would show up more.

…

"Maybe there's a god above, but all I've ever learned from love is how to shoot at somebody who out drew you."

-'Hallelujah' by Rufus Wainwright

…

To be honest, looking at the two of them makes him sick.

It's not just because Anri's got a sexy body and could make Kida's secret librarian fetishes come to life, but it's also because… he's jealous. Indeed. And he's almost proud of this jealousy. And the fact that he wants a dirty librarian to ask him to check out her books.

But he wants what the two of them have; he wants it desperately.

"Ryugamine-kun, your shoe is untied." Anri tells him.

And then they both blush and turn away from one another.

Sickening.

The most trivial and stupid stuff they get the sickest little kicks out of. A wave in the hallway, a smile, telling the other that they have something on their face… all of that was so important to them.

Kida doesn't want to remember the last time that he had felt that way about someone.

They all stop and wait for Mikado to tie his freaking shoe. "Thank you Sonohara-san." Kida thinks that by now he could at least use her first name; they're all good friends, even if he was in love with her. There was a limit to how shy a person could possibly be. "You're very thoughtful."

Then it happens again.

He blushes and she blushes and Kida wants to kill puppies.

Not that he'd actually do that, of course. It was just in a metaphorical sense. Still, in his mind he took a couple of welsh corgis and…

"It's no problem, Ryugamine-kun." She's looking down at her feet as they begin to walk again and Mikado is looking everywhere but at her. Kida sighs; Mikado just doesn't seem to realize that a brick wall is not as interesting as Anri's boobs.

They walk in silence for a while. Usually it was Kida's job to fill it, but he was feeling just a bit out of sorts. There was too much of this shojou manga 'love-love' for him. It wasn't his scene. Emotionless flirting with attractive girls with large breasts, yes. Actual lasting relationships where he was expected to care about and for a girl were not on his list right now. That was why it sucked-it sucked-being the third wheel to this relationship. This was all getting too serious for him.

He wanted them all to be friends; he didn't want to see the two of them get together and sub sequentially get hurt. Relationships, in his experience, lead only to pain and guilt and all sorts of other negative emotions that he didn't want poor little, sheltered Mikado to have to deal with.

And, to be honest, he didn't want to be left behind, either.

"I'll talk to you guys later~!" Kida says, starting to walk in a different direction, making a break for it. This lovey dovey air around the two of them was beginning to suffocate him; he had to get out. "I have important things that I have to do~. You two have fun together, you little lovebirds~."

He doesn't even know why he says that now. In the beginning he thought it'd be nice for Mikado to have a little fun. He had never had a girlfriend before and Anri seemed like the perfect starter. Good looking, nice and fun. That was what a girl should be; he used to think that Anri and Mikado would be cute.

And if he wasn't going to be able to touch Anri's boobies, someone should be able to.

Soon, however, he saw the error of his ways. Whenever the two of them were together, Kida's face turned and unsightly shade of green and he wanted to take a machete to Mikado's head, slasher style.

Nevertheless, he egged them on. He wanted them to be together. He wanted to take their relationship and rub it in his face, telling himself that what they had, he could have had. He was a walking contradiction.

"Oh!" Mikado says, almost like he's disappointed that Kida is heading a different way leaving him alone with his lover. He probably wasn't. There was a hidden smile behind those words; Kida had known Mikado long enough to tell. "See you later then, Kida-kun."

"Yeah." Without looking back he walks away, randomly choosing which streets to follow and where to go. Kida doesn't any clue as to where he's going, but in a sense, he does. He finds that whenever he walks around without a plan, he always winds up at the same destination even if he doesn't mean to. There must have been a little chip implanted in the back of his brain by aliens that forced him to go to that place whenever he had nothing better to do.

As he stands outside the hospital, looking up at her window, he asks himself if he should go in to see her.

And then he sees him exit the building with that ginormous smile he wore whenever things went exactly and entirely his way and before he could possibly see him or, even worse, catch his eye, Kida begins to run.

As he runs Izaya does manage to catch a glimpse, but he decides not to follow the kid. The probably would have shit his pants if he struck up a conversation.

There is something exhilarating about running through the streets of Ikebukuro. No one notices you; no one turns a head unless you're incredibly strange or they know you. In this town everyone is as anynomous as they want to be. As he runs not a person looks his way, not a person cares. And it's wonderful.

Invisibility was something that he never got as a Yellow Scarf. There was always that beacon on his chest alerting everyone to who he was and what was wrong with him. Back then he was a stupid kid; he liked the attention and he loved the perks. Now he knew better. It was best to keep a low profile. For the most part, Kida thought, people were bad. No one but those closest to you had your best intentions at heart and even then you always had to be suspicious.

When he knew it was safe, he stopped running. Panting for breath, smiling at the thrill of the wind through his hair, he walks now, continuing on his path to nowhere.

"Kida-kun, you look tired. Sushi will make you more energetic!" Simon says, as always, passing out fliers for Russian Sushi.

He smiles up at the big man. "Not today, Simon. Thanks."

"Oh, but it's good for you! Sushi is good!"

Kida smiles and just walks away; Simon won't mind. The guy is used to it; he deals with that all day long, every day.

Still, Kida thinks to himself, Simon is a good guy. Every day people ignore him, walking by him-running away from him at times-or just gawking at how he was different. Yet he was outside his store, every day, trying desperately to attract costumers to the sushi place that he seemed to love so much.

There was something so noble about that.

And then Kida asks himself what was wrong with himself.

Why couldn't he be happy, like Simon? Why couldn't he be happy for his friends or speak to the girl that he was in love with?

All he wanted was to have those moments again; to laugh and blush and be friendly and glad with the people who cared about him and he cared about.

Yet, those human connections that he craved so desperately seemed to be nowhere to be found.

No matter what he did and wherever he went, he just alienated himself; he was a man destined to be alone.

"Yo, Simon."

"Izaya! Have some sushi! Sushi is good! Sushi makes you smart!"

Izaya laughs and waves his hand with a chuckle. "Have you seen Masaomi around here lately?"

"Kida-kun? Oh yes! He passed by just a few minutes ago. Is that what brings you to town, Izaya-san?"

He shakes his head. "No, I was visiting a friend in the hospital."

"Ah, Saki-san? How is she? Tell her that when she's better that she should come have some sushi. It's on me!"

"I'll be sure to do so." Izaya says.

"But really, Izaya-san, how is she doing?"

Izaya smiles and sighs. "She's a good girl, really. All she wants is for things to go back to how they were before she was hospitalized. She says she misses those little moments where nothing was impossible." He laughs. "I have no clue what that means, but I think she just wants to see Masaomi again."

…

Fin