Dedicated To:
Danielle, for your amazing support
Jackie for taking on the beta
and Sidd, for blackmailing me through this story.
I honestly couldn't have written this without you guys

Title: A Fool's Heart
Author: Anna (Malmenlid)
Summary: There's got to be someone for me. It's not too much to ask. Just someone to be with. Someone to love. Someone to give everything to. Someone.
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don't own anything here except my own words and a handful of original characters. No copyright infringement is intended.
Wordcount: ~6,505
Authors Note: First of all, after everything that has happened to me, I can't believe I'm posting, and most of all, a new story.. A finished story... I've been working on this one since Easter, and I've re-written more times that I can count. But it's been there, always lingering in my mind, and a lot of weeks later, here's the result. Gotta tell ya, I'm scared what you people will think about this one, because this story it's different, and I'm despite going through this journey, I'm not sure if it's a good different or a bad... But I can tell you one thing it's not. It's not a Luke/Reid fan fiction. It has Luke's past in it, and Noah mystery past which we never really got to know.

This story will be slip up into 6-7 Parts, and I'll post 1 - 2 parts each day, because the goal is to have this story posted and finished (almost done!) before I leave for Paris, that's until Thursday.

But I just wanted to take a moment to thank three amazing people, all who have helped me in different way and watched this story evolve and been here when I got some hissy fits about not being able to write after allWe have The Brilliant Jackie (Jacks), who is kind enough to take on the editing part, because I am in fact not a native speaker, and we all have flaws.

The (Blackmailer), Gorgeous Siddhesh (Sidd), who, well kind of blackmailed me through this story, and no that's not a joke.. He had his ways that man, and they worked. If it weren't for him, this story wouldn't even have started! But those Blackmailing worked..

Then, last but not least, The Amazing Daniella (Daan), who's been, well amazing through this story. She's been pushing and pushing and pushing me through this story, but all in the right ways, and it's thanks to her that this story will be finished (have the end left). Could point out that she also saved my writing career, and made me spend a lot of time on msn, writing for her. I'll shut up now!"

Luke Snyder was five years old when I first met him. He came stumbling into the kitchen, with a teddy bear in a tight grip, his blond hair sticking out in all directions, and he had a determent look on his face, a look I wouldn't forget in the first place. He was wearing a too long blue striped pajama and as he discovered that he wasn't alone in the kitchen, he suddenly stopped where he was, almost tripping over it.

The first time he looked at me caught me by surprise as it wasn't guilt for being caught that I had expected to see in his eyes, but sadness. I saw Holden glancing at me with a sad look before stretching out his arms to invite the boy into his lap. "Come here" Holden said softly and I had to look away for a moment as the boy climbed into his father's lap.

I'll never have that

I knew I had stayed a bit too long this time as my chest tightened and I had to try to keep my tears and emotions in check. I knew that the best thing for me would to leave but I knew that Holden wouldn't let me go without a reason. So I sat quietly and watched the scene that was taking place in front of me.

"Another nightmare?" Holden asked softly as he looked at his son with a concerned look.

Luke nodded and snuggled deeper into his father's embrace. "I was going to get milk and cookies. Granma always says that milk and cookies can cure anything"

I couldn't help to smile at that philosophy, if only it was true.

Holden raised his hand and brushed Luke's hair. "Was it about him?"

Luke nodded again.

I kept my gaze at them and it seemed that for a moment, they had forgotten that I was in the room, but then Luke suddenly turning his head and looked at me with curiosity in his eyes. I tried not to show my discomfort as the young boy looked at me, but there was something about him, unlike anyone I had ever met.

"Do you think that milk and cookies can cure everything?" He asked me, his voice serious as he gazed at me.

I couldn't help but to smile at his question and I nodded. "Yes, I do think they can" I said, matching his serious voice.

He was looking at me in disbelief, like I was trying to cheer him up. Normally, I don't lie to people, but how do you tell a little boy that when you were little, you never got milk and cookies to deal with the nightmares. There wasn't a warm lap waiting to comfort you. Simple answer, you don't.

I saw Holden gaze at me with understanding eyes, and I knew he was thinking the same thing I was, and more importantly, he knew. "You know what" I said, glancing once again, at Holden who was nodding in agreement. "When I was your age and I had a nightmare, do you know what I used to do?" Luke shook his head, excitement glowing in his eyes. "I used to sneak into the kitchen and grab a big bowl of ice cream" I tried, smiling at him even though a part of me was feeling awful for making it up.

Luke adjusted himself on his father's lap, leaning towards me and looking at me with big brown eyes. "You want to know something else?" Luke nodded his head eagerly and looked at me like I was telling him the secret about the biggest treasure ever known to mankind. "I used to sleep with the light on, just to chase away the nightmares"

If it was possible, he looked at me with even bigger eyes. "You did? " He gasped.

I nodded, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw Holden holding back a grin. He understood what I was trying to do. "You're a very brave boy, Luke"

"You think?" The disbelief in his eyes was back. "The other boys tease me for it" He mumbled, focusing his attention to his hands instead of looking at me. A pink blush spreading on his face

"You know what; I bet that they are just as scared of the dark as you are"

"I'm not scared" He protested wildly. "Maybe a little" He added quickly.

The little boy amazed me as he sat there on his father's lap. As I looked at them, I knew that Luke was a living proof that DNA didn't matter because as I sat there, I saw how much of Holden there was in Luke... A part of me was sitting there, admiring them quietly because they had something I would never get, a father and son relationship. The closest one I had gotten was a punch in the face.

With a loss of words, the kitchen was filled with silence and I could see that Luke was getting tired as he was starting to doze off in his father lap.

"Come on, kiddo" Holden said and lifted Luke. "Let's get you back to bed"

"But" Luke protested. "What about the milk and cookies?"

Holden smiled as he looked at his son. "How about you go upstairs and get into bed, and I'll bring them up to you?" Luke hesitated for a moment before he headed up the stairs.

"Well, I guess that's my cue to leave" I said, turning towards the door.

"It's getting harder, isn't it?" Holden asked as he looked at me.

"What is?" I shot back, all though I knew perfectly clear to what he was referring to.

"Finding someone..." He took a step forward, towards me and placed a hand on my shoulder, giving it a light squeeze.

I nodded. "I don't think I'll ever find love" I laughed, trying to joke it away, like I had been doing all week when he started bringing up the L word. It was the curse I carried deep in my heart, a longing.

"Maybe that's because you've been looking in the wrong place?" Holden suggested.

I froze at the word and tried to swallow the lump in my throat, did he know? Was it that obvious? I couldn't tell him, the Snyder's had been so good to be, and if they knew, they would kick me out faster than I could blink. I knew Holden wasn't like my dad but I wasn't ready to take that last step out of the closet. "Maybe" I paused, avoiding his gaze. "I should get going."

Holden sighed, and dropped his hand from Noah's shoulder, knowing that Noah would to it in his own time, as he always did. "If you think that the best thing to do is go, then go but I hope that you'll stop running from whatever is chasing you"

"I have no idea what you're talking about" I lied.

"It's not the town, is it?" Holden asked worriedly.

I shook my head quickly. "Absolutely not" I said. "The town has been great and very accepting towards me, despite the fact that I'm..." I paused, searching for the right word to express what I was. Despite living so long as I had, I still hadn't been able to find a name or a word for what I was. "Different" I finally said.

"You're welcome here anytime, you do know that?" Holden gave me a quick hug.

I nodded and smiled as I headed to the door. I had lost count on how many times Holden had offered me a place to stay, not to mention every Snyder in town.

"Please get a phone or something!" Holden called out after me and I couldn't help but laugh at it as I headed out and started walking along the dirty road. It had been a wonderful and yet terrifying experience to be back after so many years. People had said that it felt like things hadn't changed, but I knew, I saw it in people eyes. How they grew up, and I saw how the people I had learned to love, died before me. But I knew that staying and getting attached was a bad idea and I knew that my family was still desperately trying to hunt me down. I didn't have the time to stay any longer and as a low howl filled the night, I started to quicken the pace. I knew that I had no time to lose and once again, it was time for me to put my seek for love out of the way and start running again.

As I ran, the little boy, Luke, who sat in his father's lap, hoping that Milk and cookies would fix the world, was still on my mind and the scene has put me into another sad mood. I would never that father-son relationship, and the Snyder's accepted me as one of their own. But if they ever found out who I really was they could never accept me, who I was, was wrong and they could never found out who the true Noah Mayer was.

My first meeting with Luke was one I would never forget because when thought he was just a little boy, he was still so brave for his age, and he was trying to fight against the darkness. And here I was, a boy trapped at the age of 18, still running from the darkness. You would think, that after living for almost 30 years, the fear would go away, it hadn't. However, I did one last stop before leaving Oakdale. With milk and cookies I ran, as fast as I could through the forest, without any intentions of ever returning again.

- 13 years later -

"They say true love only comes around once and you have to hold out and be strong until then. I have been waiting. I have been searching. I am a man under the moon, walking the streets of earth until dawn. There's got to be someone for me. It's not too much to ask. Just someone to be with. Someone to love. Someone to give everything to. Someone."

The rain was falling heavily as I ran as fast as my own legs would carry me, with a speed and strength they had been born to do. I knew my father was catching up on me; his stinking scent filled my nose as I ran. My brother wasn't far behind either; I could hear his footsteps as they hit the ground with a steady and fast rhythm.

I had been able to keep running from them for a long time now, the dates and years had lost meaning and count to me, and the thought how lucky I was last time to make it out alive, gave me the strength to keep going on. I knew they had gotten stronger and faster, giving into the darkness, a place I would never go willingly and they knew I was different, wrong.

I quickened my pace, my lungs and legs screaming in protest. They had, had enough and as I ran through the jungle, I felt a change in me, I was done running, and as the thought crossed my mind, I suddenly stopped.

Let them come

I thought, feeling an anger and rage rise in me as I tried to look behind the leaves to see if they were coming. At first, all I could see was two black spots in the distance, but too soon, they were both here.

"Hello" My father greeted me with a small evil grin and walked close to me, holding up his hands in what most people would call a surrender gesture. Except, I knew him and that was not a surrender, far from it.

"Hi dad" I said dryly, my body on red alert as I followed him with my eyes, watching every little step and move that he made.

"It's nice to see you" I blinked dumb fooled at him as I hear the sincerity in his voice.

"Like wise" I mumbled, not meaning it one bit. "Oh, hello Riley" I smiled at my "long lost" brother who stumbled through the leaves and branches and stopped right in front of me, trying desperately to catch his breath. "Not fit for it?" I asked with a grin. He just glared angry at me.

"What do you want?" I asked, crossing my arms and taking a step back. I didn't like the fact that they were so close to me.

"We were just wondering if you've finally come to your senses" My father asked softly.

I snorted as I glared at him. "You mean you're wondering? I know that Riley doesn't have anything against me apart from the fact that he's jealous that I'm trying to change me and he doesn't have the willpower to stand up against you. "

"So you're still..." My father trailed off and for moment I could have sworn I saw a flicker of fear in his eyes.

"Yes" I said simply. "I'm still gay" My father flinched at the word and I wanted to laugh at the reaction. I knew it wasn't what he was referring to.

He was talking about how I was still trying to become mortal, because we both knew that it was the only way for me to become free from my family and our bloodline, the curse that ran through our veins.

I remember when I turned eighteen and how my dad had simply told me that I was never going to age anymore, that I was going to live forever, and just by the word forever, I knew from that moment that I didn't want that. And as I watched my friends wither and die, I knew this wasn't the life for me. I wasn't as coldhearted as the rest of my family, and from that moment on I swore to find a way, but at the same time, so did my family. They swore that to do everything in their power to stop me.

After a lot of research, I found a way to become human; I thought it was going to be easy. Fall in love, was the trick, and you'll become human. But it seems that it was a lot harder to find true love, the forever kind, then I thought.

But my aching heart is longing for someone to hold, someone to love. Just someone instead of strolling through life alone. It's like an eternal darkness that never ends, and I have never understood why my family chose it. To walk the earth forever, never dying, never ageing, never changing just watching how time passes, an endless life. The older you get, the faster and stronger you become, and I could see how appealing it was, but it wasn't a price I was willing to pay.

You see, I can't die. Ever watched that TV show called Torchwood? You know John Barrowman, a real hottie who plays captain Jack Harkness, a man who can't die? I'm just like that, I don't age and how many times you kill me, I always come back, always.

"You're still trying to become human?" Winston laughed, interrupting my thoughts."When are you going to realize that true love doesn't exist?"

"Just because mom didn't love you" I began but before I had the chance to speak another word my dad had rushed forward and taken a hold of my shirt, only to throw me into the nearest tree he could find.

Stumbeling I rose up on my feet with a smile. "That's it, isn't it? I grinned at the realisation. "That's why you hate me so much, because I'm just like her, and you can't stand the fact that she never loved you enough for you to become human"

"Shut up!" Winston yelled and once again rushed forward, but this time I was ready and jumped out of the way, trying to ignore my now throbbing headache.

"You resent me because I'm capable of doing something you'll never will be able to do, or anyone else in our family." I said, walking closer to him. "I'm capable of loving someone while the rest of you are remaining cold and heartless. You've been stuck in this world too long that you've forgotten all about what it means to be human. You've lived too long to appreciate life, for you it's just a waste of time, which is kind of funny since all you have is time."

"You think you're special?" My father interrupted his voice cracking a bit as he stared at me with cold blue eyes. "Because let me tell you something son, you're not invincible. I know you, you're going to give your heart to someone who you think means something and all they're going to do is to break it into a million pieces, and I can guarantee, that it will kill you" My father paused and looked at me, and for a second it felt like his human self was there, not the cold monster that had raised me. "So don't think you're special, not even for a second because you're not. I've been there, exactly where you are, trying to find what people call love and try to become human, but it doesn't work that way. True love doesn't exist, it's bullshit and it's time that you woke up from that fairytale that you've been living in and see the truth. "

I looked at him in wonder. "What truth?"

"That little precious family that you have in Oakdale, they don't love you"

"Yes they do" I protested.'

"How much then?" Winston asked as he once again looked at me. "How much can they take of this life that you're living, before they kick you out? They're just humans' son, they're weak and always let their emotions get in the way" My father laughed bitterly. "Just how much to you think you're worth to them?"

I started at him in shock. There was something in his words that made the hair on my neck rise in fear. It was the way he said them, like he was putting me up on one of his tests.

He's changed tactics.

Suddenly Holden's face popped up in my mind, along with Lily's, Emma, Lucinda, and the whole towns. I hesitated for a second, and maybe that was a second to long as I glanced over to my father who was grinning evilly. There was something new in his eyes, a new hate and rage in my father's face that I hadn't seen in years, but I didn't stay long enough to find out what exactly that was.

I started running, my legs protesting once again, but the only thought in my mind was a little blond boy who I wasn't going to let my father harm. And as I ran, I couldn't help to think of how many years that had past. I had no idea, it was just a blur to me, but I did remember the promise I had made, to never return, but another thing overtook my thinking and with the name Luke lingering in my mind, I ran as fast as I could, praying and hoping that whatever harm my father had caused, I wasn't too late to fix it.

My heart hadn't stopped racing since I left the jungle and my father behind me, and I knew that I had broken a dozen traffic laws on my way to get to Oakdale as fast as I possibly could. My mind had been working overtime since the minute my dad had mentioned the Snyder's. I knew he had kept a close an eye on me but the realization of just how much made me scared. I stepped on the gas, driving fast, the image of Luke, lying somewhere, covered in blood wouldn't disappear out of my head, no matter how hard I tried.
Finally after what felt like a lifetime the familiar Snyder farm came into view and I rushed out of the car as fast as I could and over to the porch. I knew the logical reason would be to calm down, but I was way past that. The Snyders were the closest thing I had to a family and if something had happened to anyone of them because of who I was and because of my insane family, I would never forgive myself, they meant too much to me.

I held my breath as I opened the door that lead to the kitchen. There was nobody there and the whole house sounded quiet, too quiet. I couldn't hear a creak or anything; just a painful silence greeted me. I walked slowly into the kitchen and sat down, leaning against the table, defeated.

My father had really done it this time, and I knew that our bloodline had nothing but pure evil in it, but that hadn't stopped me from at least hoping that there was still something good in him. I still carried a vague memory when me and my father had gone fishing when I was just a child, and there had been no anger or frustration that day. It was the only time I had felt that maybe, just maybe, my father did feel something towards me that wasn't hate or anger, that perhaps, there were feelings he wouldn't say to me there, after all. Or he would never get over the fact that I was just like my mother, special in the worst ways possible, wrong, and just wrong. My veins hadn't only my father blood in them, but my mother's too, giving me the ability to actually love and feel. Maybe that was the difference, I had something, and I was something that my family could and would never be or have.

I don't know how long I sat it the kitchen, feeling that last good of me slipping away, in a house that had never stayed quiet when a sudden gasp reached my ears. I knew it wasn't mine so I turned around and looked straight into Holden Snyder familiar brown eyes. Before I knew what was happening, his arms were around me and pulled me into a tight embrace.

"You're alive" I murmured quietly into his shoulder, holding on just as strong as he was. He was there, alive and that was what mattered.

"Of course I am" Holden pulled away so that he could look at me. "Of course I'm alive Noah, why wouldn't I be?" He asked, slightly confused.

I stood there, gazing at him for a moment and I found myself speechless for a moment

Suddenly two little girls rushed through the door, followed by Lily, Emma and a blond, young beautiful man. That marked the decision for me. "It's nothing" I said, lowering my gaze. I wasn't going to put fear into Holden's eyes. Not unless it was absolutely necessary, and things were different since the last time I was here. He had two daughters now, and I wasn't going to let them come to harm because of me and a world they didn't know anything about.

"Noah" Holden warned, furrowing his brown eyes and I saw how a part of him knew I was lying.

"Don't worry about it" I said in a hushed, soothing voice before turning my gaze to the little group of people who was now watching me and Holden.

"Hi" I said to everyone, feeling a bit embarrassed and I blushed when the blond boy met my eyes. He was looking at me with angry eyes and for a moment I wondered what I could possibly have done when I noticed Holden's gaze. This was something between them. But it seemed that the boy forgot what he was angry about as he looked at me and I could see how the anger slowly faded away.

I stood there frozen as I looked at him. This wasn't the five year old little boy who stood in front of me anymore. This was a beautiful and gorgeous man, but I could still see a part of him in there. For a moment it was like there was a spell over us as we just stood there, gazing at each other until I remembered where I was. I quickly turned away from him and focused on the rest of the family.

My gaze fell on Lily who stood there with two girls in her hands and she smiled softly towards me. As I looked at them my father's words ringed once again in my ears and I swallowed I saw her releasing her grasp on the girls and walked over to me.

"It's good to see you again" She reached over and pulled me into a hug. I tried not to hug her back too long or too tight and I had to try to blink away the tears that were threatening to fall down my cheeks. The big age difference didn't seem to matter to Lily as she hugged me tight, like I was her long lost son, and perhaps I was.

As we stood there, in a mother and a long lost son embrace, which I was hoping they would go and everyone who was watching didn't notice, I couldn't help but to feel something different when I hugged her. Quickly and a bit shocked, I pulled away, searching in her eyes for an answer.

"Oh my god" I gasped. "Are you?"

She nodded, her hand reaching out to stoke the very visible bulge on her stomach, affectionately. "Almost eight months now"

"Congratulations" I smiled and I meant it. This world had so much evil in it and I knew that a few more Snyders in it would make the world a better place.

And finally, I sifted my gaze to Emma, who meant more to me than anyone in the Snyder family, even more then Holden. Perhaps it was the fact that I had helped to deliver her into this world and watched her grow up, or maybe it was her big heart that had a special spot for me in it.

Dear beautiful Emma. She had gotten a lot older then the last time I saw her. A few more wrinkles and gray hairs. The sight both warmed and pained my heart.

They all wither and die

Emma who smelled like freshly baked cookies and with hugs that could chase away everything, when cookies and milk didn't work.

She quickly pulled me into an embrace, big and warm. "My dear Noah, my Noah" She whispered into my shoulder and I could feel her salty tears soak my shirt. She pulled away for a moment and looked at me. I wanted to reach out and wipe away the tears that I had caused even though I knew that they were probably good and happy tears, I didn't like making her upset like that. Emma reached up and wiped away her own tears with one hand while the other one stroked my face.

I knew she was feeling for me. The suffering and the endless life spark that glowed in my eyes. She used to say that when you looked into my eyes, it was like watching the most beautiful star and everything beyond as it stretched and stretched, never ending.

"Still so handsome" She mumbled quietly before dropping her hand.

It wasn't until then that I noticed that the small kitchen had gone dead quiet and everyone was watching us. I felt that pink blush spread over my cheeks again and looked down at the floor, embarrassed.

"Come on" Emma said and grabbed my hand. "Let's get you something to eat. You're still way too skinny" She smiled softly and dragged me over to the table, and as I looked at her smile, it felt like for the first time in a long time, I was right where I belonged. I was home.

"Luke, look at me" Holden said, as he looked at Luke. He just couldn't understand his son anymore.

With a sigh of dislike, Luke turned his head around to look at him. "What?"

"Where are you going?"

Luke shrugged. "I don't know. Out I guess, anywhere but here" He said picking up his backpack and heading for the door.

"Are you meeting Kevin?" Holden asked as he crossed his arms.

Another sigh escaped. "Why does it matter?"

"I thought I told you to stay away from him. He's not good for you"

"And why is that?" Luke turned around to look at him. He was tired of playing games, these, let's not talk about what's really going on. "He's my best friend dad. We've known each other since kindergarten.

"Because" Holden hesitated as he looked into his sons eyes and for a moment, he thought he saw fear in them.

"Because of what dad?" Luke challenged.

"Because Kevin is changing you into someone that I don't know anymore" He wanted to say, but with everything lately, he knew that Luke would take it the wrong way and they would be back where they started. "You know that if you ever need to talk to anyone, I'm here Luke" Holden tried to reason instead. "I'm here whenever you need me Luke."

"But what if it's something bad?" Luke said and for a moment his voice sounded so small and scared.

"There is nothing you can't say or do that will make me love you any less. You're my son Luke, and I love you no matter what" Holden gazed at him, and whatever had been building up those walls around his sons heart and them, it seemed that they were falling down, at least a little bit.

"I love you too dad" Luke said, his voice cracking as he tried to blink away the tears, but this was the closest he had felt to his dad in a long time. And as he looked into his father's eyes, he could see that a part of him already knew the truth and, on some level, his dad knew.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door and Holden clenched his jaw as he saw Kevin standing there. That boy was like a poison and he didn't like the way Luke was around him, not at all.

The moment that seemed to have been there, had vanished and Holden saw how his son's mind built up that wall, once again. Like he had suddenly changed his mind. For a second, Holden wanted to grab his son and make him talk, but he knew that Luke would come to him when he was ready, even if he had to watch in pain how Kevin was destroying his son.

Holden sighed as he watched his son disappear before turning towards the stairs. "You can come out now" Holden said softly.

Ashamed and embarrassed, I walked out from my hiding place under the stairs. "I'm sorry" I began but Holden held his hand up and I fell into a since as I patiently waited for my verdict. I knew it had been a very personal moment between them.

"Noah, it's okay. This is a big house and to be honest" Holden sighed and leaned tiredly against the wall. "It would be really nice to talk to someone about it" For the first time since I got back, I took a really good look at Holden, and I saw, just like everyone else that I knew, he was getting older. And whatever this was, it was draining and tearing him apart.

"What is it?" I asked, walking over to him and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. Funny, how the rolls suddenly were reversed.

I saw how Holden took a long deep breath, like he was bracing himself for something. "I think Luke might be gay" He said in a single breath.

I felt how the air disappeared from my lungs and how the blood in my veins turned into ice.

"Why do you think that?" I asked, surprised that my voice didn't tremble or crack as I talked. My whole body and brain was trying its best not to go into a meltdown.

"It's Kevin" Holden paused, trying to think how to say all of this in the right way without sounding like he was hating his own son. "It's the way Luke his acting towards him, like he does everything to please him and I caught them having a moment. "Holden stopped once again, running his hand through his hair, like it would help to sort all of this out.

"What did you see?" My voice was still somehow steady and I was suddenly glad that Holden was too busy thinking to notice my panicked expression and the way my whole body was stiff.

"I saw Luke give Kevin a backrub, and I know that's usually something innocent, but there was just something with Luke's expression when I came out that made me react. He looked at me like I had caught him drinking. I've never seen him react that way" Holden went silent again. "And then there is the drinking. Luke has been going through a rough time. A few months ago Damian came back, which brought up so much anger and emotions, which caused him to start drinking. He got to the point where the cost ended up to be one of his kidneys. "

I nodded to show him that I was listening. A part of me was shocked to hear about what had happened, but I knew better than most people, how you thought alcohol would provide comfort when cookies and milk didn't help anymore.

"And I get that he was going through a lot" Holden continued. "But I don't see what reason he has to start drinking again. I mean, I thought we were happily, so why on earth would he start drinking again?

I shook my head, just as unable to come up with an answer as Holden was.

"Have you tried talking to him?" I asked, realizing how stupid my question sounded, but Holden didn't seem to protest or take notice.

"You saw what happened in the hallway. Every time I try to talk to him, he shuts down. I get him to open up, and every time I see him tear down that wall, something always happens that makes him take it up again. I just want to get through to him and help him. I want my son back. I don't care if he's gay or not, I just want him back. I know he's not that sweet five year old son you met, and he's been doing some bad stuff, but that doesn't mean I love him any less for that"

I nodded in understandment. "Then tell him that, get him to listen and who knows, he might surprise you. But maybe you have to take the first step." It was getting harder and harder giving Holden the right advice without giving away too much or feeing horrible.

I'm lying to you too

"Enough about me" Somehow that tiredness I had seen in Holden's eyes disappeared as he put a hand on my shoulder. "How about you tell me the real reason why you're here"

I swallowed, amazed how he had turned the conversation so quickly and I was terrified to tell Holden the reasons.

Your son is one of them

I had spent the day getting to know Natalie and Faith, two lovely young girls and the thought of what my father wanted to do with them, stopped me once again from spilling my guts out. I couldn't tell the man I admired, the man I would hope to call dad at least once, that there was maniac who wanted to see him and his family dead because of me. I just couldn't. It was enough that I had to try to deal with it, but I wasn't about to have Holden getting worried too. He had his own problems to deal with.

"It's nothing" I finally said.

"Don't you start lying to me Noah" Holden warned as he looked at me. "I know that something's is wrong, especially since you practically said goodbye for forever when I talked to you on the phone a few years ago. Then suddenly you show up, and you're telling me there isn't a reason behind it?"

"There are reasons Holden, I just told you what they are" I mumbled.

"Mind if I ask you how long you're staying then?" I saw how Holden tried to seek my gaze, but I refused to look at him, because I knew he would see what I was hiding.

I shrugged, trying to sound casual. "A few days, maybe a week or longer. I'm not so sure, as long as I need, I guess"

I saw Holden shaking his head, in what could have been frustration. "I won't push you Noah, and I know that you keep something secret from us, for our own protection, but you don't need to bottle it all up inside of you. I'm here if you need me, and I know you'll tell me when the time is right" Holden said quietly and in his voice I could hear that he meant it. But despite that, I hesitated.

"Thank you Holden that means a lot to me, but this is something I have to do on my own."

Holden nodded in understandment and we sat in silence in our own thoughts before Holden rose and turned around to face me. "Since you might actually be sticking around for a while, I have a favor to ask you."

"What?"

"Could you keep an eye on Luke for me? I thought, maybe he'll open up to someone his own age"

"No problem" I replied.

Holden gave me a quick nod and a smile before heading out to take care of the barn chores. I watched as he disappeared, but his words were still lingering in my mind.

You see, there is this one day every year, when I can die. There is a day when night and day are equally long. And for some reason, we become as close to humans as we can; we get the ability to feel pain.

I knew that if my dad was going to strike and get his ultimate revenge, it would be then, at the time when we're at our most vulnerable. I glanced at the calendar on the wall and swallowed. Three weeks away. I watched the family photos hanging on the wall, the pretty pictures the girls had painted that was hanging on the refrigerator and I knew the time would come when I and my father would face each other, one last time. I would have to sacrifice my own life to protect them, without a single doubt.

...TBC...

So, How bad is it? I can take the verdict!