Tadase's Journal

By Laura Schiller

Based on: Shugo Chara

Copyright: Peach Pit

March 17, 2010

People always say that when you hate someone, it feels hot. 'Burning with hate', etc. I've never felt that way. Instead I feel cold, like there's a lump of ice inside of me. I can't scream or punch someone the way other people do. I just walk the streets, and freeze, and don't say a word.

I still can't believe this is happening. I trusted her. I was going to take her to the ikebana exhibition … show her the white lilies she likes … maybe hold her hand. And she smiled and blushed as if she really wanted to go. I waited by the fountain in the park for half an hour. Stupid me, I was so worried that she'd been captured by Easter or run over by a car.

So I went to her house, and I saw Tsukiyomi Ikuto stepping out of her room.

All this time, she's been harboring him there. When I told her I loved her, she knew he was listening in. He threw my own words back in my face, sneering – " ' Will you let me fall in love with you?' Quite a passionate confession for a little boy." As for Hinamori Amu … I don't believe I can ever face her again.

I warned her. I told her he was nothing but a black cat who brings misfortune. Looking back, I should have known … she's been acting jumpy for weeks now. And she does have a habit of defending him. She says he's 'not such a bad person'. Yes, that's what I used to think – before he stole the Dumpty Key from me, joined forces with our enemies, and seduced the girl I love.

Have they been laughing at me together all this time? Looking down on the naïve little boy who dared to believe that Hinamori Amu might someday love him? I can't believe it. I won't!

No. This can't be right. Putting it down in writing makes it that much less believable. This is not the Hinamori-san who's been fighting by my side these past two years. She has her flaws, but disloyalty has never been one of them. And while she may have faked being 'cool and spicy' once, she could never have faked the look in her eyes when I touch her hand or call her Amu-chan. She's just not that good an actress. She does care for me, I'm sure.

But why lie to me? Why let Ikuto in her room? Dear God, has he been sleeping in the same bed with her? That same bed with the pink quilt where she and I sat together and confessed our love? That just doesn't bear thinking about.

Do her parents and sister know? Did they allow it?

He's sixteen. Amu-chan and I are eleven.

It's just disgustingly wrong on so many levels.

Oh, if he's harmed her in any way, I will kill him. I will hunt him down and make him regret the day he was born. I will …

Oh, who am I kidding? As if a little boy like me would ever stand a chance against him. Kiseki just flew onto the page and reminded me that I should be a merciful king, that revenge is beneath me. I wouldn't put it that way. It's more that, as Amu and her little girls would say, violence doesn't solve anything. She always wins her battles by reasoning with the adversary instead of beating them. That's one of the things I admire most about her.

Yes, Amu-chan is a kind-hearted girl. She's also a strong one, and she has three (four, in an emergency) plucky shugo charas to defend her. She would never let Ikuto or anyone else hurt her without fighting back.

I've misjudged her. Perhaps I should apologize.

Now that I think about it, it was probably her kindness that led to her taking that person in. She did call after me on the staircase; she was going to explain. I interrupted her. Kiseki often reminds me that a king should be just; I ought to listen to both sides of the story rather than jumping to a conclusion. I have to talk to her. If there's any way we can possibly repair our relationship, I have to try.

I promised to tell her I love her every day, to make up for the days before I even met her. The very least I can do is live up to my words.