Chapter 20

Sheppard still plummeted, unaware that he had actually been frozen and only now re-animated some several hours later. For him his imminent death had been an ongoing nightmare without pause.

The energy orbs of the Initium swirled around him as if taunting him even in his final moments, not even allowing him the dignity of privacy in death.

Except he didn't die. Unexpectedly, the Initium pulled back holding static in the air as he tumbled away from them. Then he hit something soft, something warm, something bright and positive that filled him with an instant sense of well-being...of familiarity.

He found himself being placed gently on his feet on the ground that had just threatened to make pizza of him as the Initium swarmed back into the female form they had chosen to assume.

'What trick is this?' she bellowed. 'How did you do this?'

Sheppard watched the swirling tendrils of light lift from around him, then they shot high into the sky, forcing the Initium to break apart and reassemble in its wake.

'Do you think you are strong enough to challenge us now, John Sheppard?' she demanded, sinking down to his level. 'Do you honestly think you can do anything that would hurt us?'

'I...it wasn't me,' he stammered, watching the sky, feeling the residual inner glow his contact with that light had left behind in him. He felt stronger, more certain of himself, he felt like John Sheppard again. 'But I really wish it had been.'

She twitched an eyebrow up. 'So you do challenge us?'

He sucked in a deep breath, the sky behind her now brightening and filling him with an invigorated sense of hope. 'You know what? I think I do.'

She strode toward him, thrusting out a hand that penetrated right into his torso, knocking the air from his lungs in a rasping wheeze.

'I hold your life force in my grip, John Sheppard. Do you still challenge us?' she asked, pure cruelty shining out of her luminescent eyes.

Behind her, the redness of the landscape was receding, bathed now in the brilliance of the growing white ball in the sky, which appeared to be heading directly their way. A wind swirled up around them both, but she didn't seem to notice.

As painful as it was for him to speak, he broke out his best smile and told her, 'Yeah...still do.'

He could feel the grip on his essence tightening, feel it being tugged at in a sensation not entirely unlike the beginning of the Wraith feeding process. But the old woman suddenly noticed the light spreading across the ground around her, losing her focus on him and turning now instead to seek out the source of the illumination.

She only had time to take it in for an instant before it picked up speed and slammed into her, scattering her into the various separate entities that made up her whole, the shockwave knocking Sheppard off his feet. His back grated against the rocky ground as he slid across it, hardly believing how something that only existed in his mind could hurt so much.

Above him, white and golden energy orbs did battle with one another, dodging, weaving and colliding in the most beautiful and graceful skirmish he'd ever had the privilege to witness. At least it was beautiful until one of the golden orbs swerved in his direction. punching a hole in the ground just a fraction of a centimetre from his ear where he lay. Another one headed his way, and this time he had to roll to avoid the impact as it drove into the ground, close to where he had been lying. Sensing this was the Initium's new attempt to finish him, he stumbled up to his feet and started running toward the columns of rocks, hoping to find some safety amongst them.

His plan unfortunately back-fired big time when the orbs began slamming into the pillars of stone, sending shards of splintered rock flying in all directions, including his, before slicing right through them and making them fall.

Tiny fragments of razor sharp stone cut into him, and he kept his head down to protect his eyes. Somewhere deep down he felt as if he should be able to wish this all away, they were inside his head after all, but he really didn't want to try it...especially not after his last attempt to instigate some command over things.

He swerved and dived between the needles, avoiding any contact from the orbs themselves, but it was obvious this direction was no safer than being out in the open. He changed route, heading sharp right to try to break free of the crumbling rocks when a pillar to his left let out a resounding crack and began toppling his way. He slid to a stop, ending up on his back in the dirt again, then began franticly trying to scramble away from it, knowing he wasn't going to make it.

He closed his eyes and prayed to whoever was up there listening to finish him off quickly...but nothing happened. When he looked up, he was surrounded by white light again, and the pillar had fallen elsewhere, missing him completely. The light lifted him from the ground where the Initium could harm him and took him up through the imagined atmosphere of the planet, and beyond that into the star spattered skies. Yet this time he didn't feel threatened; this time he felt safe. Again, he was filled with a sense of warmth and comfort, and that feeling that he had experienced this before, somehow...somewhere.

Hold on just a little longer, John, a voice whispered. We are here to help now.

Although he was exhausted, battered and bruised, hope was now his prevailing emotion. Something else was at work within him, counteracting the Initium and giving him back his sense of purpose.

He watched the mounting battle in awe from his place of protection, enveloped by the light. The white orbs now outnumbered the Initium and were bombarding them, sending sparks of energy showering out in great fountains each time the collided that slowly faded away and died, leaving their afterglow in the blackness. As quickly as one flickered out, another erupted, as if he was watching a 4th of July fireworks display

Sheppard felt his senses returning, his chest loosening, the tension in his shoulders slackening. The Initium were losing their hold on him. These others were winning the fight.

From time to time, a golden orb tried to reach him, but was immediately repelled by his guardian light, then driven away by others. He recognised the white lights now as Ascended Ancients, just like Chaya. Of course, Chaya...

Before he could even begin to feel grateful to her, the Initium all converged on one position, combining in one great flaming ball of power that hurtled toward him, knocking him free of the hold of his protector and leaving him tumbling through space. They swept past him, swirling around and as he twisted over in free-fall he saw what their motion was creating. A black-hole opened up beneath him, drawing him into its dark maw and the oblivion that lay within its confines. It swallowed him up, and he continued to fall out of control, turning over and over as the voices let out a mocking laugh in his mind.

But somewhere up above him, in the midst of that encompassing darkness, he thought he saw a light...

...oooooo...

Sheppard's body convulsed again, his friends helpless to assist him.

'What has it been, like half an hour?' Rodney whined. 'Shouldn't they have thrown those Initium freaks out of him by now?'

Carson tried once again to reach out and restrain the colonel, only to receive a severe shock through both of his hands. 'I can't get near him. There's too much power inside him now. We're just going to have to hope Chaya and the others know what they're doing.'

Rodney looked hugely uncomfortable with the fact they were reliant on the Ancient woman, but Carson knew in his heart she would not allow anyone to harm Colonel Sheppard if she could stop them. He tucked his throbbing hands up under his arms and watched Sheppard from his kneeling position beside the now inactive stasis chamber. The colonel's movements were more pronounced now, he was even making sounds, though none of them good, but Carson hoped this was a sign he might actually surface from the induced comatose state the Ascended Ancients had put him in on entering his body to ensure the Initium could not use him for any further ill deeds.

'So how long are we supposed to just hang around here waiting for them to hand Sheppard back to us?' Rodney piped up. 'These guys can live forever.'

'But the colonel can't,' Carson sighed, watching him thrash against the stasis chamber beneath him again. 'I'm not sure how much more of this his body can take.'

'Hopefully, Chaya will give him strength,' Teyla said, her face showing the tension she felt watching the colonel go through his ordeal. Carson supposed this weighed heaviest on her, as it had been her idea to turn to Chaya for assistance. But he felt certain there had been no other option, and hoped she realised that, too.

'Well, we'd better hope so, because those other ascended types will be too busy saving their own asses to worry about him, that's for sure,' Rodney snorted.

His comment left Teyla looking dejected, and Carson was about to speak up in support of her when Ronon beat him to it. 'This is the only idea that could work, Teyla. You know Sheppard would understand why you did this, right?'

She nodded, but was clearly working hard at stifling a sob. Carson's heart bled for her. This was agonising for all of them, but Teyla was feeling it most of all.

Sheppard's body suddenly jerked violently, and a ball of golden light shot out of him. Carson felt his heart leap into his mouth, frozen rigid by the sight and wondering which of them it would try to strike at first. To his surprise, it didn't attack any of them, but forged straight back into the colonel's body, leaving two smouldering patches on his scrubs where it had exited and then re-entered his body.

'They are killing him!' Teyla whispered, covering her mouth with a trembling hand.

Ronon gripped her shoulders. 'We don't know that. We just have to wait and see what happens.

Carson could see in his face just how difficult it was for Ronon to do that, though. In fact, each of Sheppard's three teammates looked terrible. The pressure was palpable amongst them. It wasn't only the colonel he feared for if things went wrong. He knew the team would take it very badly should they lose him after all this.

The other marines, headed up by Lieutenant Andrews, who had taken themselves away to a discreet distance, now approached, weapons drawn.

'What's happening?' Andrews asked.

'Not sure,' Ronon grunted. 'Some kinda fight, we think.'

'Well, the fact that orb just came out and then went flying straight back into him makes me think it didn't want to be out here,' McKay theorised, screwing his face up in sympathy as Sheppard writhed and moaned again. 'Perhaps the Ancients are getting the upper hand.'

They all started as three more orbs zipped out of his body, and then back in again, again leaving scorch marks to show where they had been. Sheppard choked out a cry, his eyelids momentarily opening before snapping shut again.

'I'm not so sure that's a good thing for the colonel,' Carson told him. 'They're doing terrible damage to his body...and that's just what I can see.'

Again. more orbs erupted from Sheppard's contorted form, then re-entered, making him cry out even in his near fully unconscious condition. Carson rubbed at his forehead, finding it difficult to watch now. 'Dear Lord! This can't be good!'

'He's not gonna make it!' McKay whimpered, chewing his nails as he watched on in horror.

At that point, a strange glow began to build around the colonel clearly another build up of energy.

'Okay, much as I hate to say this, I think we should all move back,' McKay told them. 'Right now!'

They barely had time to throw themselves clear as a huge pulse of energy burst from Sheppard's body, hundreds of orbs all winding and colliding as they soared away toward the sky. They watched them depart at unimaginable speeds from where they had each fallen, frozen with fascination for a few seconds until they were out of sight.

Carson crawled back to the stasis chamber, uncertain of what he would find. The others now scurried back to, each of them peering in to see if the colonel had survived.

Carson could see a substantial hole burned through the shirt of the colonel's scrubs, exposing a severe burn beneath that appeared to cover a huge amount of his torso. Sheppard was conscious, but quite obviously in terrible pain, his face pale and his breathing little more than shallow pants, all the breath his injury would allow him to take.

'Oh, no!' Rodney gasped, falling to his knees beside him. 'Carson?'

Carson was already reaching into his medical kit for his morphine, reminding himself that he should administer normal doses this time, as long as all the Initium had left him.

'John?' Teyla tentatively reached out toward him, touching his arm then snatching her hand back as if she feared the contact might make his pain worse.

The colonel forced open his eyes and rolled them in her direction, the slightest of smiles appearing on his pale features. 'Hey...Teyla.'

Carson pushed the syringe of drugs into Sheppard's arm without bothering to explain what he was doing. That wasn't normally his way, but something told him Sheppard's time with them might be short; he had no wish to waste any of it on medical talk.

'Are you...you now?' Rodney asked him, still unsure what to believe.

'Yeah...s'me,' Sheppard replied, his face screwing up again as pain registered at some level. Carson gave him a little more morphine, relieved to see some of the tension leave his features.

'So what? That's it. They've driven the Initium out and they're just gonna leave him like this?' Rodney squeaked.

Carson passed a scanner over the colonel as McKay ranted. The readings that came back to him showed signs of damage to many of Sheppard's internal organs, damage he knew he couldn't fix, not here nor back on Atlantis.

'Rodney,' he started, but the scientist was in full swing.

'Well, that's just typical. Just so long as they're okay, I guess. Doesn't matter about the poor, dumb human they just used as a battle field!'

'Rodney!'

'What?' he demanded, his face suddenly slackening as he read something in Carson's expression, something he clearly didn't expect or want to see.

'You might want to save your breath for saying more important things,' Carson said calmly, nauseous pain stabbing in his chest as he heard Teyla gasp. 'No!'

Carson watched as John shakily raised his hand and took hold of hers. 'S'okay, Teyla. It's not your fault. You all...did good...real good.'

'But we didn't save you!' Rodney whimpered, now kneeling down beside him.

'Y...you saved th...the city. S'even better.'

'But...but you promised me a rematch on our chess game. You can't duck out on me now!' Carson could see the tears moistening Rodney's eyes, but even now, he couldn't open up and tell Sheppard what was really in his heart. He supposed Sheppard knew...that they all knew what they meant to each other after so long together. No words were necessary to express that.

Sheppard's smile broadened now, calmness descending on him after all the chaos and trauma he had been through over the past few weeks. He looked around at his teammates, and told them. 'It's been a pleasure...guys.'

Then he closed his eyes, his breathing shallowing out and noticeably slowing.

Teyla held his hand between hers, her lip trembling, unable to speak. Ronon, too, was left speechless, lifting his eyes to the sky as if to rid himself if the sight of his friend in this condition.

Then, he raised a finger toward the sky and asked, 'What's that?'

Carson turned to follow the direction he was pointing in, seeing a single white light descending toward them. It was one of the ascended, and he was pretty sure he knew which one as it homed in on Sheppard and gently sank into his body.

...oooooo...

Whiteness.

Pure, calm serenity.

John opened his eyes and blinked a few times. Was this what it was like to be dead? Kind of boring really...in a peaceful kind of way.

'It's good to see you again, John.'

Oh, now, he knew that voice. 'Chaya,' he said, watching her emerge from the whiteness around him. 'I thought I felt you in here.'

'Teyla came to me to ask for help to save you. She is an intelligent woman. She couched her request in such a way that the Ascended had no reason to refuse.'

'Yeah, well, she certainly has her moments,' Sheppard smiled, feeling slightly awkward. He was pretty sure she would remember that he'd promised to come visit some time...a promise he had never kept.

'She knew you needed a force equally as strong as the Initium, and that I was the only one you knew who could possibly bring such forces together.'

'Good thing she thought of you,' he replied, chewing his lip and wondering how best to word his apology.

'I have thought of you often, John.'

And, yes, he already knew that. He'd kind of sensed her sometimes, and now...the way she was looking at him...he guessed the apology wasn't entirely necessary, but it couldn't hurt.

'I'm sorry I didn't come back to Proculus. Things kinda got away from me, what with the Wraith and the Asurans to fight, and so many planets to explore.'

'I understand, John. The burden of responsibility is a heavy one indeed.'

'Yeah, I suppose you would understand that, since defending the people of Proculus is your eternal punishment. So, anyway, not that I'm not grateful for your help, but I thought you Ascended folks were forbidden to get involved with humans and their problems.'

'As I said, Teyla was most persuasive in her argument for our involvement. She pointed out that the Initium had a hatred of all things related to out Lantean brethren, and since we are their ascended kin, it was only a matter of time before they decided to turn their wrath upon us.'

'Ah, so they were saving themselves...that figures.' He tried not to sound too petulant, but the Ascended Ancients seriously pissed him off with their non-interference policy – at least until their own necks were on the line.

'I know you do not approve of their belief that they should not influence human lives in any way, but with power such as theirs, there could be abuse...on either side.'

He knew there was no denying that logic. The Milky Way had had enough trouble with the Ori to know for him to know what happened when Ascended Ancients decided to move among humans again. Keeping their distance might well be the best policy, or they might end up as bad as the Initium themselves.

'John, you do not have to feel bad about keeping your distance from me. The others would never have allowed our interaction as things stood.'

'No...of course they wouldn't.' He rubbed the back of his neck, feeling guilty that she was giving him a get out clause, when he hadn't even considered that. He'd just been...overwhelmed by her, by the thought of having a relationship with a woman so different to him, although it was true that fighting the Wraith and Asurans had kept him so busy it would have felt selfish to spend time away from Atlantis with her.

'But now...things are different.'

'They are?' He didn't understand what she meant as she stepped forward and took his hands in hers. He was still Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard, Military Commander of Atlantis, and she was still Chaya, and Ascended Ancient. How could things be different between them?

'You're at a crossroads, John. You are hovering at a point in perfect balance to make the choice. Your body is damaged beyond the capabilities of your human medicine, but I am here to help you. The decision you have to make is what help you choose.'

He gazed into her deep brown eyes, and felt a pang of desire awakening. Those few days they'd shared together had been very special to him, and seeing her again only brought that home all the more clearly. And he sensed what she was about to say.

'You want me to ascend.'

'It has to be your choice, John, but I cannot lie. It would make me happy to have you with me always.'

Ascension had never appealed to him until meeting the Initium. And if he did ascend, he could give them hell, just like Chaya and her kind had. It was a tempting thought, as was sharing a new level of existence with Chaya, one free from cares and physical pain. But he had friends he cared about on Atlantis, and he still had work to do to help keep them and the peoples of the Pegasus Galaxy safe. If he ascended, would always be tempted to intervene to help his family on Atlantis, and he knew that would happen – the others would drive a wedge between him and Chaya to punish him for breaking the rules. After all, he would break the rules; it had been his habit all his life.

'You said I had a choice?' he said, asking for the other option without actually putting the question to her directly.

Her shoulders dropped, but she forced on a sad smile. 'With the others busy fighting the Initium, I have time to heal you well enough that you can return to your life.'

He nodded, staring down at the whiteness beneath his feet. In some ways, it reminded him of the cell the Initium had created for him, but here he felt safe and loved – loved by Chaya. But now, just as he had felt those five years ago when he'd left Proculus never to return until now, he felt choosing a life with her would be a selfish act with so many peoples of the Pegasus Galaxy still in need of help.

'I...I have to go back, Chaya. I...I still have so much I need to do –'

She silenced him with a finger to his lips, then leaned in and kissed his cheek so lightly he could barely feel it.

'It is done,' she said, letting go of his hands and stepping back as she turned into pure light and floated away, leaving him shrouded in shadows.

...oooooo...

Breathing a gasp of air into his oxygen starved lungs, Sheppard sat bolt upright with such speed that everyone huddled around him fell back in shock.

He blinked his eyes, clearing mist from his vision, aware of the blood pumping through his veins in a way he never had been before. He was alive...alive and free of the Initium...and crap did those burn marks hurt! Chaya had done as she said, healed him enough to survive, but his sudden movement had done little for the blistered skin on his body, or the ache in his wounded shoulder.

The others slowly clambered back to their feet, and beyond them, he spotted six armed marines aiming their weapons his way. 'Stand down,' he told them. 'It's me this time.'

'You were...you were,' McKay bumbled, scrubbing his cheeks with the back of his hand.

Though he knew Rodney was wiping away tears, Sheppard didn't draw attention to the fact. 'Dead...yeah...a few times recently. But Chaya fixed me up...mostly'

Sheppard pushed up from the stasis chamber on uncertain legs, wincing as pain stabbed through his shoulder blade, Ronon lending his support to help him out and onto solid ground. Before he could say a word, the Satedan gathered him up in his arms and almost crushed the life out of him. He whimpered as the big man's body pressed against his damaged skin and his arms put pressure on his shoulder, then Ronon let him go, giving him two solid slaps on the back before turning away to pull himself together. Much as he appreciated the gesture, that really hadn't helped his pain any.

Teyla similarly pulled him into a hug, though this time it was far gentler, as if she was worried he might break if she held him too tightly. Her face was streaked with tears as she pushed him back, holding him at arm's length and dipping her head. He touched his forehead to hers, embarrassed by her tears. He'd brought her to this, and it hurt him to think that he'd caused that level of pain to Teyla...to all of his friends. Even Carson looked pale and shaken, and a little red around the eyes.

'Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'd really like to go home now. I have a city to move so the Initium can't find us again.'

'You really think you're up to that?' Carson asked.

John understood his concern. After everything he'd been put through, and considering the singed and bloodied state of his scrubs, he supposed he didn't exactly look the picture of health. 'Well, I can't say I'm firing on all cylinders right now, but I'm doin' okay.'

'Well, if it's all the same to you I'll do a quick check-up on you first. I'd feel better if I did,' the doctor admitted. He passed his scanner over him again, his eyebrows climbing at the results it now showed him. 'I don't believe it...that's a bloody miracle.' Then he narrowed his eyes. 'Are you sure you feel all right, Colonel?'

A breeze blew up, swirling around them, and Sheppard sensed Chaya before he even saw her emerging into the clearing where they stood.

'I can assure you John is clear of the Initium now, Dr Beckett. I know that is what really concerns you. He will be fit enough to move your city, but then he should rest.'

Carson smiled, as did all his friends, a palpable sense of relief exuding from them all. He was glad Chaya had taken the time to reassure them. It would save him a lot of time and effort later on. 'That's good to know,' he confessed, 'although getting him to rest isn't always the easiest thing.'

'I imagine not,' she replied giving John a reproachful glance.

'And where are the Initium now?' Rodney asked her, still with an edge of accusation in his tone. Sheppard guessed McKay had never forgiven her for lying to them about who she was when they'd first met, or for denying sanctuary to the suffering people's of Pegasus.

'The others are still battling with them, and may be for some time to come. It would be wise for you to leave and move your city now, while they are distracted by the fight.'

Teyla approached Chaya, hesitating before placing her hands on the woman's shoulders and touching her head to hers. 'Thank you for all you have done, Chaya. Without you, many people would have suffered.'

'You're welcome, Teyla. Now go...get your city to safety.'

The marines collected up the stasis pod to take with them, sealing the lid back on the crate before four of them each grabbed a handle and carried it away.

Teyla gave Sheppard a smile, laying her hand gently on his arm. 'We will give you a moment to say your goodbyes,' she told him, and she, Carson and the rest of his team walked away, Ronon dipping is head in respect of the woman who had saved his friend's life.

Sheppard ran his tongue over his dry lips, feeling suddenly conscious of Chaya's proximity. Seeing her in the flesh again made him wonder if he'd made the right choice, especially when he finally raised his gaze to meet her sad eyes.

'You can never return here again, John,' she told him, taking his hand in hers. 'The Initium will always watch this world and wait for your return.'

'We've put you in danger –'

She put her finger to his lips again to silence him, shaking her head. 'I am strong enough to hold them at bay until the others could join me. The Initium are powerful, but not compared to us. Do not worry about me.'

'I can't help it. I'm a worrier,' he smirked, but he could keep up the smile. 'Do I take it from the fact you didn't completely heal me that you're disappointed with my choice?'

She shook her head. 'I have to be careful, John. The others might come searching for you soon to ensure the Initium have completely left you, and if they find you with no injuries, they will know I intervened. The people of Proculus need my continuing protection – I cannot receive further punishment if it takes me away from my place here.'

'Well, when you put it like that, I guess a few aches and pains are a small price for me to pay,' he admitted.

'Go now...take care of you people,' she told him, letting go of his hand and stepping back away from him.

He nodded, feeling guilty and upset and disappointed all in one great whirl of emotion. So he limped away to join his friends, because he'd made his choice, the right choice in many ways, and he didn't need to be reminded of his doubts any more.

...oooooo...

That evening, after a gruelling flight and a thorough medical and patch-up session, Sheppard stood out on the balcony overlooking the ocean of a completely new planet. The sky had a distinctly purple hue, and was punctuation with thousands of brilliant stars, not a cloud obscuring the wondrous view.

Carson had confirmed his injuries were now fairly superficial; a fracture in his right shoulder blade from the bullet impact, though a clean one with no complications, courtesy of Chaya, a few cracked ribs mostly likely from the force of the various energy beings battling it out inside him departing en masse, and numerous burn marks all over his body, though Carson assured him they would heal quite well with the helping hand Chaya had given them. That was easy for him to say – he didn't feel like someone had set fire to him then stamped out the flames.

After spending so long without free movement, on drugs and strapped to various gurneys, Sheppard had practically begged for Carson to let him recuperate in his room. Besides, sitting in the infirmary, surrounded by all the people he had injured, was hard to take when he'd had so much help to recover from Chaya. With the doctor unwilling to let him off the hook quite so easily, they had reached a happy compromise instead. So after treatment – antibiotic cream, gauze dressings, a shoulder sling and a shot of pain killers, Carson had agreed to let him out to roam for a while, as long as he returned to the infirmary for the night were the medical team could keep him under observation. The good doctor had then tried to insist he let him push him to his chosen destination in a wheelchair, an offer he had strongly declined. He could use his legs again, and he meant to do just that, even if his movements were painful and difficult due to his injuries. Pain reminded him he was still alive, and right now he was happy to put up with it.

It felt good to be in control of his faculties again. Now, he could look across the vast waters, and the infinite expanse of sky broken only by the merest hint of land on the horizon, in any way he liked. He could do a handstand and take it in upside down if he wanted to...although, maybe not just yet.

Since returning, he'd been surrounded by people, all worried for his well-being, and perhaps their own, and he'd noticed a few suspicious looks being cast his way as he'd finally broken free of everyone to take in some fresh air and enjoy a few moments of peace. He supposed that was only natural, considering the fact he'd walked among these people for weeks carrying the alien insurgents without anyone having the first idea anything was seriously wrong. Chaya's word that he was alien-free was good enough for some people, but not everyone, it seemed. But time would prove it to them.

He gazed up at the stars again, wondering which one of them was the sun that blessed Chaya's planet with its warmth. Maybe he'd ask McKay some time when he'd stopped freaking out about the whole debacle. Right now, if he had to hear how bad the sound of his broken legs fixing themselves was for the scientist to listen one more time, he figure he might just end up slapping Rodney upside his head, and then everyone would get all suspicious again.

Ronon had been...well...Ronon, almost entirely silent, but ever-present through his check-up and treatment to protect him should he need it. He'd apologised one for the whole leg-breaking incident, and Sheppard had told him never to apologise for it again because he'd had to try it, and that seemed to ease the Satedan's guilty conscience...at least temporarily. Teyla, as if feeling it necessary to demonstrate her trust in him, had brought Torren to see him while he was eating a meal in the infirmary, allowing her son to sit on the bed with him while they'd competed over his fries. The kid had won, of course, especially since his appetite wasn't up to its usual standards.

Now, he'd made his excuses to have a moment alone and take in the sweet air of P6J 788. Whether this would remain their permanent relocation point hadn't yet been decided, since they were yet to fully explore the mainland and oceans for hidden threats, but for tonight, hidden by the cloak Radek and the science team had repaired in their absence along with the other primary systems, they felt safe enough.

He sighed as he heard the door behind him open, wondering if his team were ever going to feel comfortable with leaving him alone again. 'You know, I really don't need anyone to tuck me into bed, so why don't you call it a night?' he called back without turning.

'Well, I'm very glad to hear that, since it goes somewhat beyond the remit of my duties,' he heard Dr Smithson reply.

He spun to find the women giving him a wry smile from the doorway, where she was leaning with her arms wrapped around her against the slight chill in the air.

'Dr Smithson! I was –'

' – expecting someone else. Yes, I suspected that was the case.'

'My team have been kind of...overprotective since we got back.'

'I imagine they have. You've made a miraculous recovery, yet again. They probably fear that if they let you out of their sight for too long, you might just disappear.'

'Well, I've got no plans to do that.'

He realised she was making no move to leave. He'd kind of hoped she'd just happened upon him and would wish him good night and leave. The fact she was still there meant he might be about to get an unscheduled session, and he could really do without one of those tonight.

She straightened up and took a few steps toward him, allowing the door to close behind her, shutting out the muted thrum of the control room, now operating on the night-time shift.

'So...is there something you want to talk about?' he asked, though he was pretty sure his slightly pained expression said how he felt about that.

'That's usually my line,' she smirked, joining him at the rail and leaning on it as she looked out over the calm ocean. 'Actually, I wanted you to be the first person...well, second, in fact...to know I have handed in my resignation. Mr Woolsey being the first, of course.'

Sheppard felt his jaw drop. Now that hadn't been what he'd expected her to say. That wasn't even on his list of possibilities. 'Why?' he asked.

'I think it's known as quitting while I'm ahead.'

Still puzzled by her decision, he leaned on his one good arm on the rail beside her and said, 'You don't strike me as the quitting type.'

'No, well, normally I'm not...which must have been painfully apparent to you during your hypnosis session...for which I would like to take this opportunity to apologise.'

He gave her a one-shouldered shrug, the whole incident almost forgotten amidst the memories of everything that came after. 'If you hadn't pushed so hard, we might not have found out what was going on, Radek might not have been vigilant enough to find the Wraith beacon, and we could all be an unsuspecting Wraith breakfast in the making.'

'Oh yes, I was forgetting how I singlehandedly thwarted the Initium's dastardly plans,' she chuckled. 'Thank you for that vote of confidence, but I rather think you all could have made it through without my input.'

He shrugged again. Maybe she was right. The net had been closing in, but she'd brought things to a head a hell of a lot more quickly in his opinion.

'You know, when I first read your file I thought you might be a heartless man.'

He turned stiffly to look at her, quirking an eyebrow. 'Oh?'

'You've been through so many terrible experiences and yet you've never sought help from anyone. I suspected you were...cold.'

'And now,' he asked, intrigued to know how her view of him had changed.

She smiled, looking away across the waters again. 'Now I know you're a strong man, willing to give up everything for others.'

'That's a pretty big statement after only two sessions...only one of which I was actually present at,' he pointed out, giving her a crooked smile.

'I was talking to Teyla earlier,' she continued, unfazed by his attempt to joke her compliment away. 'She told me about Chaya, the woman who saved you.'

'Did she now?' he said, his stomach sinking once again at the thought of her face as he'd left.

'She's an Ascended Ancient, I understand'

'That's right.'

'And rather fond of you'

Sheppard felt his cheeks flush with heat. This wasn't a conversation he would be comfortable having with his friends, let alone a woman he barely knew. 'Well...I...'

'A powerful woman like that...and beautiful, so I'm told, must be a real boost to your ego to have a woman like that so besotted with you.'

'I wouldn't say besotted –'

'And yet you chose to return to Atlantis and not stay with her...twice now.'

He sighed, wondering again if he'd made the right choice...but knowing he had. The Ascended would never have allowed Chaya that level of happiness. It wouldn't have fitted in with their idea of punishment.

'I still have a lot of responsibilities here...'

'So you put your happiness on hold until a time you can finish them. Like I said, you're a strong man.'

He sighed again, realising he really wasn't as strong as she thought. Right now, he felt a kind of emptiness he wasn't sure how to fill. All of his friends had found someone to share their lives with, and he was beginning to doubt he would ever find the same companionship for himself. The memory of Chaya's sadness when he'd made his choice was forever burned into his memory. He might feel like his love life was in a rut, but it wasn't as if she could just go out and meet someone else. And he'd as good as said she wasn't important enough to him for him to stay with her.

'I can't ever go back,' he blurted out, not sure why he'd chosen Dr Smithson as the person to confide that secret in.

She turned fully to look at him, her face dropping a little in surprise. 'Why not?'

'Because the Initium are still out there, and they'll be waiting for me to show up on Proculus again.'

'I see.' She stared back at him a while, as if unsure how to respond. Then, she simply said. 'I'm sorry.'

'Yeah, well...you win some, you lose some.' But that wasn't how he felt. Not really. He felt like his whole life had been about missed opportunities and loss, and he wished, just for once, that he could win.

'Well, I just thought I should let you know about my decision to go back to Earth the next time the Daedalus docks. I'm sure Stargate Command will make arrangements to replace me, so if you ever do chose to talk about what happened here over the past few weeks, you'll be doing it with someone else.'

'Well, on the bright side, I guess that means you get to retire with your record intact,' he quipped.

'Why do you think I'm quitting now?' she laughed. 'I've finally had to admit that problems in the Pegasus Galaxy come in such diverse forms that an old crone like me might not be the best person to deal with them.'

'I'm not sure anyone's qualified for what we face out here every day,' he pointed out. 'It's not exactly the kind of thing you can train for.'

'True enough, but when you get to my age, learning on the job in this kind of environment is far too taxing. Besides, I don't get anywhere near enough time with that cute nephew of mine while I'm out here.'

'Now that's a good reason to want to go home,' he agreed.

'Yes...and a decision I made entirely for selfish reasons. Because sometimes it's okay to do that, John. You should remember that.'

Somewhere at the back of his mind he heard the voice of the Initium telling him he was worthless, but this time it was just a memory, an echo bouncing around in his head. Of course, it might never have had such an impact on his psyche if it hadn't been what he'd been subconsciously telling himself most of his life. He always put himself on the line, always based his choices on what impact they would have on others because he didn't believe he deserved a happy ending.

'I will,' he promised as he turned and watched her walk away. Beyond her, through the doors he saw his friends hovering, trying to look inconspicuous, though it was clear they were keeping an eye on him. He laughed to himself, turning to take a final look at the view before heading in and joining them.

Maybe Dr Smithson was right. Maybe it was okay to make selfish choices sometimes, but this had not been one of those times. Each one of his friends had played a part in trying to rid him of the Initium, and if he hadn't survived, they would never have forgiven themselves. Whatever it had cost him, this had been the only option he could take.

And that thought gave him some comfort in a galaxy where the Initium still lurked, waiting to take their revenge for the mistakes of those who had chosen to flee the Pegasus Galaxy and continue to follow their own path so long ago, regardless of the affect it would have on others .

A/N: So there you have it! I hope you all enjoyed the story. A big thank you to everyone who followed and reviewed this story to keep me going while writing it so quickly. And to those of you who have enjoyed it enough to read to the end but haven't commented, give me your thoughts, too. Feedback lets me know what readers enjoy, and so helps me plan for future stories. :D

Also, another thank you to my beta, Sterenyk Strey, for her advice throughout this story, especially for her thoughts to improve this final chapter. You were a big help, as always.

Finally, I'll be taking a break for a few months due to school holidays and real life commitments, so I hope to be back later this year with something new. Take care. :D