Hey everybody! Those who have read my previous Disney fics know the deal, for those newbies who are just checking me out for the first time, I don't own Disney's Hercules (unfortunately)...

Yeesh, Ditzy babes… what are we tryin' t'do? Depress 'em or somethin'? Why don'tcha just sit back, relax and let me take it from here sweet-cakes…

Excuse me?

Your excused sister.. {shoves DitzyMinx out the way and takes over}… Ahhh, now for the fun can really begin..

{DitzyMinx clears throat while scowling crossly}

You still here Minxy? Well,. I can take care of that.. {waves hand and DitzyMinx vanishes in a puff of black smoke}… and now down to business… do we really need a disclaimer here? Yeesh, how dumb do these fanfics writers think you are… oy vey…

The Rules

Hey, hey… Hades here (if ya hadn't guessed already) and I apologise… Hercules put me up to this… {scowls at Hercules}.. oy… nephews…

Come on Hades…{Hercules flashes Hades his most winning smile}.. are we doing this or what?

Oh alright… heh, marriage has made me soft… {Hades suddenly whips around to Hercules and holds out his hand}… A hundred drachmas… pay up…

What?

Whatta ya… deaf Wonder Brat?

No, I just can't believe your trying to get money off me!

Hey, it's in your contract.. {a sheet of paper appears in his grip}.. read it and weep.. {tosses Hercules his contract}..

{Reads contract then frowns}.. Hades! Its written in tiny writing at the bottom!

Duhh! It's called fine print for a reason Jerkules..

But I've been saving my drachmas for this really neat club I saw…

Aw boo-freakin'-hoo… like my li'l Sephykins says: life's not fair, get used to it… {moves open hand more insistently}.. Now we doin' this or what?

Uhh, alright, alright… {hands over a wad of money grumbling}.. let's just gets this over with..

There.. {counts wad of notes checking it's all there}.. now that wasn't so bad was it?

{Hercules chooses to ignore Hades and turns to the Reader} Ok people, like my coach Phil says… being a hero is a work of heart… so let's just do a little refresher course on those all important hero rules..

{Hades groans inwardly}… I go one word for this… Bo-ring!

{Again, Hercules ignores Hades}.. Ok, firstly: Analyse the situation, a hero thinks for himself-

Really? {Hades interrupts looking shocked} I thought your nanny goat did all your thinkin' for ya?

{Hercules finally turns and frowns at Hades} Shut up!

Oh-hoh!.. {flashes sadistic grin}.. Hit a nerve have I?

{Hercules frowns then continues}… When handling a damsel, always handle them with care..

{Hades snorts with amusement}.. So much for the sayin': treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen then..

{Hercules deliberately ignores this}.. Assess the environment before initiating action..

Or if your Hercules just show up and hope for the best!

{Hercules shudders with irritation but continues}.. Giants are dumb..

{Hades smirks out aloud}… Just like someone else I know…

A hero is only as good as his weapon…

{Hades eyes narrow slyly}.. I notice you don't have a weapon on your right now…

{Hercules swivels to Hades}.. You forced me to leave it at home!

Oh yeh.. {Hades leans back}.. .wrote it in the contract didn't I?

Hrmmm… {Hercules grinds his teeth but turns back to the Reader}.. A hero never accepts payment for an act of heroism..

Oh really… {Hades cocks his brow intrigued} ..well that's interesting because I heard that a certain little nephew of mine got a herd of cows for mucking out some king's stables the other week…

That wasn't payment! ..{Hercules glares at Hades}.. I won them in a bet!

Yeh, yeh… {Hades waved his hand dismissively}.. whatever helps ya sleep at night, jerk..

{Hercules frowns deeply at his uncle before turning back to the Reader}.. Anyway, where was I?

Swindling kings outta their cows..

{Hercules ignores this}.. Oh yeh, I remember… To be a winner, you gotta think like a winner..

{Hades thinks for a moment}… y'know what… I actually agree with that one…

{Hercules raises a brow with a slight smile at Hades before turning back}.. You gotta crawl before you can work…

{Hades stares at Hercules for a whole moment before speaking}.. Are we still on the Hero Rules or have we moved on to babies?

Babies? ..{Hercules blinked confused before smiling slyly}.. Oh, you getting broody Uncle Hades?

{Hades flares up irritably}.. Shut it Wonder Breath! Ya wanna make it through this in one piece?.. {fireball appears in Hades' fingers}..

{Hercules raises his hands in defeat}.. Ok, ok… I won't pry..

{Hades snuffs fireball and the smirk reappears on his face}..

Remember guys, keep 'em up! {Hercules grins at the Reader}..

Keep 'em up?.. {Hades looks bemused}.. Keep what up? Your toga?..

No! {Hercules frowns}.. Your spirits!

Ohh…

A hero stops the unstoppable, defends the defenceless, helps the helpless-

-and makes me pull my flames out!.. {Hades shakes his head despairingly}..

{Hercules smirks at this}.. A hero is responsible… and always ready to improvise…

Just like me and the missus on Saturday night.. {Hades grins at his nephew}..

{Hercules blinked then shuddered in disgust}.. Ewww! I don't wanna know about your love life!

{Hades flashed a devious leer}.. Suit yourself…

Use what you've got.. {Hercules smirked}.. Like in the case of Achilles, he liked to use his gut..

-or in the case of Hercules, he likes to use his fists..

{Hercules smirked at this}… If a hero hears there is a wrong to right, then he's got to right that wrong…

Heh… try saying that when your drunk!

Heroes are open and forthright…

And so easy to manipulate…

{Hercules frowns at Hades before turning back to the Reader}.. Strength isn't everything. Sometimes you can defeat your opponent with cunning..

Something you've yet to prove Wonder Boy… {Hades grins wickedly}..

Concentrate… and Aim…

That's not rules Jerkules… that's common sense!

Dudes save damsels…

Whoa… that's a little sexist isn't it? Heh, don't let Persephone hear ya say that, unless ya fancy another black-eye..

A true hero never gives up… if his sword doesn't work, he uses arrows… if his arrows don't work he tries spears-

-and if that don't work he uses bread knives! Right?.. {Hades beams widely at Hercules}..

No Hades… {Hercules sighed despairingly}.. He doesn't.. {returns to the Reader}.. There are no small foes, only small heroes…

Heh, heh, heh… {Hades folded his arms smirking}.. sounds like someone's talking from experience..

Shut up Hades! ..{Hercules curls his fists glaring in annoyance}..

Sheesh!.. {Hades rolls his eyes}.. Can't a god poke a little fun at his nephew?

A little!.. {Hercules snorted with disbelief}.. All you've done is poke fun at me!

Aww, boo hoo! ..{Hades waves a peeved Hercules off}.. Are ya there anymore of these stupid Hero Rules or is that it?

{Hercules frowns briefly at Hades}.. Don't worry, there's only a few left…

Thank the Fates!

Never promise to help unless you know the job..

Uh.. {Hades sighs heavily}.. I hate to say it Jerkules but once again I'm with ya on this one… I agreed to help Persephone get ready for last years Saturnalia and I swear if she were an imp I'd have just.. {mimes throttling her}.. All I got was: ..{Hades puts on his best Persephone voice}.. 'Does my butt look big in this robe'… 'Uh, I can't wear this it makes me look fat'.. then she spent three hours in the bathroom putting her face on before whining that her hair wouldn't sit right.. I'm telling' ya Herc, by the time she was ready I just wished I was mortal so I could kill myself..

{Hercules made a sympathetic noise}.. Y'know Meg is exactly the same.. {there was a pause of silence}.. Anyway, back to the Hero Rules… {Hercules turns to the Reader}.. a hero always does as he's told..

Hercules go jump in the Vortex of Fire!.. {He points in the direction of the swirling green vortex then pauses waiting for Hercules to obey}..

{Hercules glares at Hades but doesn't move}

Well I guess that's one rule broken ain't it Wonder Brat!

{Hercules raises his middle finger to Hades}

Ohh, nice, real nice… that's really mature..

{Hercules ignores Hades and returns to the Readers}.. Ok, the hero race isn't a sprint it's a marathon… you have to create a game plan and follow through… and remember a hero isn't measured by the size of his strength-

-or by the size of his wang!

{Hercules rounds furious on his uncle}..Hades!..

Yeesh, calm down Blunder Boy, I'm only messin' with ya! ..{Hades then shrugs}.. Besides, some of those Hero Rules weren't sooo bad..

{Hercules blinks surprised}… What did you just say Hades?

{Hades suddenly flares brilliant orange}… I said get the freakin' hell outta my Underworld before I start chargin' ya rent!