Warning! This is a crack!fic! Not fully crack, but there will be plently of cracky goodness! Possibly mild slash, but mostly just slash shippers. Also, mild language spanning from the a-word to the z-word. (Zark, for thoes of you who have never read Hitchhiker's and therefor have no clue what zark means.)

A/N: Everything that needs to be said is at the bottom, so let's get on with the show!

{][][}

Knock, knock.

"Jim! I need at talk to you!"

Kirk groaned slightly, hitting his head against his desk, barely missing the padd he was suppose to be reading. Bones sounded pissed. He crossed his fingers, silently praying he didn't have a hypo on him. If he did, he was doomed.

"Come in, Bones." McCoy walked in, holding a small package wrapped in blue paper; the same shade of blue as the medical uniforms, oddly enough. On top was a small picture of a hand in the form of the Vulcan salute, the small words "Your biggest fan, Piki" scrawled in the center of the palm. He did his usual scowl-and-glare combo at his Captain.

"It this some kind of joke? And what is Piki, some sort of alias?" Kirk looked up at him innocently, and cluelessly for that matter. He honestly had no clue was the crotchety CMO was talking about.

Bones rolled his eyes, taking a small book out of the wrapping paper covered box. Across the cover were the clear words 101 Relaxation and Anger Management Techniques along with a small red stress ball. There was also a bottle of Kentucky bourbon with a note that read, in the same scrawl as the original, "Method 102".

The younger man held his hands above his head. "Bones, I swear I had nothing to do with this. Where would I get the bourbon anyway?" McCoy glared.

"You have your ways." He slammed the small book on the table. "Damnit Jim, what the hell is this?"

Suddenly, the comm on the desk beeped.

"Paging Doctor McCoy, please come to Sickbay. Repeat, paging doctor McCoy, please come to Sickbay." Said an annoyingly sweet voice, sounding very much like the perky receptionist who always had too much coffee.

McCoy gave his friend one final glare, grabbing the bottle of bourbon. "I'll deal with you later." He said threateningly, and walked out.

{][][}

Spock was, oddly, tired. He hadn't been sleeping well, or even meditating, and each day seemed to get longer and longer despite the fact that he knew that was impossible. At that moment, he merely wanted to go into his room, and rest.

Those plans would soon be spoiled.

He walked almost blearily to his door, punching in the key code and walking in without a second though. The door shut behind him, closing with a small click that was inaudible to human ears.

He blinked once at the sight he saw.

He blinked again.

"Oh by the way, if you'd really like to know, he went that way."

"Who did?"

"The White Rabbit."

Alice the wonderland took up the entire right wall, which was completely bare. There didn't seem to be any device that was showing it, but that wasn't what Spock was paying attention to.

He was too busy bolting. After all, how could he do anything with… that playing? He couldn't, simple as that.

He paused when he saw the note just beside the keypad that he'd missed. Five simple words were written in neat cursive on it.

"Ahoy, and other nautical expressions!"

{][][}

Kirk had been gone for five minutes, five minutes, and there was now a package on his desk. Warped in twenty-first century newspaper. With a drawn picture oh himself and Spock on top. Kissing. And looking fully ready for what was probably more than a one night stand. He blinked.

He blinked again.

A third time he blinked, just staring at that picture. It was actually rather good. All the details (and he meant all) were skillfully drawn, and there. It was in color, so he could see a light green tinge on his first officer's cheeks, and a dark red flush on his own. He couldn't help but admire it for a second.

He walked over in three quick strides, taking the sketch and placing it face down on the table before ripping the newspaper off a simple cardboard (cardboard for Heaven's sake!) box. His jaw dropped at the contents.

Condoms.

Whoever it was, they had given him a box of condoms.

His eyes suddenly snapped to the back of the picture, and he wasn't surprised to find something else there.

In letters clearly cut out from the same newspaper that had wrapped the box, there was a simple message. Incredibly simple. Just three words and a signature.

"Have fun tonight! Banbi."

He burst out laughing, and decided to tell Bones that he had his own mystery gift giver later. After he found who had given the gift. He wasn't entirely sure whether he would slap them, or hug them, but he'd figure it out then.

{][][}

It was just sort of there.

Sulu was in the gym on deck five to practice his fencing with Chekov (who was currently getting on his gear), and in the place of his favorite foil and saber, was a book. Not a padd with the book downloaded, but and honest to God hardback book.

At fist he was a little miffed. Who wouldn't be? His two favorite fencing tools were gone, and he had no clue where to find them. Well, at least they hadn't messed with the botany lab, whoever they were. At least, he hoped they hadn't messed with the botany lab. Then there would be hell to pay for someone. And no one wanted that.

His second feeling was appreciation. He liked that particular novel. It was his favorite work of fiction, actually. And it was incredibly hard to find old fashioned books like that too. It must have cost a fortune! He promised himself to get whoever it was that got the volume a hand made katana courtesy of his second cousin, who was a master in sword making; a truly beautiful and lost art.

So, with that thought in mind, he walked up to the rack, taking The three Musketeers in his hands carefully, as though it would turn to dust at any moment. It was an incredibly well cared for volume, and he smiled at the thought of how much work it would take to keep it in such "pristine" (as in, not about to tear in your hand at any second) condition through the centuries. At the same time though, it was obviously well loved too. Dog eared over and over, the spine cracked to where you almost couldn't make out the title. He grinned. Hopefully he'd love the book half as much as the previous owner.

Speaking of which…

He opened the volume, the already large grin on his face spreading even wider. There was a signature on the first page. The blank one before you got into author, title, and dedications and all that crud. As soon as he read in though, his eyes widened, and he nearly dropped his new prized possession.

"Forever yours.

XOXO Pavel."

Well… that was just plain awkward. He hadn't known the Russian had felt that way. There was nothing wrong with it, of course, it was just that the Helmsmen didn't swing that way. At all.

"Sulu! Are zou ready to fence? I zink I've gotten better since last time!" A familiar voice called. Sulu whipped around, hiding the book behind his back.

"Actually, and I'm really sorry, but I just remembered something. I kinda need to go to the botany bay. Some of those plants are really high maintenance, ya know?" He laughed nervously. The excuse was weak, even to his ears, but he needed time to process before he could fence with his best friend who apparently had a crush on him. Well, it seemed to be more than a crush if he was willing to spend hundreds of credits on his favorite book.

Chekov tilted his head to one side. "Okay zhen…" He said, disappointment filling his voice. "Ve'll fence later, I guess." And Sulu was gone, book still in hands and his cheeks a bright red. Somewhere in the Enterprise, a women in her late twenties was laughing her head off, her dark green eyes shinning with delight. This was going to be fun indeed…

{][][}

Uhura was in her room, just a bit miffed. Spock hadn't been in his quarters when she'd checked. That wasn't the reason she was miffed. The reason was because Spock had promised her a nice night. You know, dinner, cuddling, what their Captain was known for. The whole shebang, basically. And he hadn't been there. Instead she was met by an obviously empty room at the Disney version of Alice in Wonderland playing on the right wall. So yes, she was disappointed and a bit peeved at her t'hy'la at that moment, and would likely bite someone's head off if they disturbed her.

Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock. Pause. knock, knock.

"Delivery!"

The communications officer twitched, standing up and walking over to her door. It opened before she could even get there.

Standing just in front of her door was a teenage girl, probably no older than Chekov. Her dark brown hair was put up, then braided down her back, and her dark brown eyes shone with mischief. She was about five-and-a-half feet with her heeled black boots, and was wearing a customary red uniform. She had also opted for the mini skirt instead of slacks, which Uhura found odd because she seemed more like someone who would fight to the death just so she wouldn't have to wear the skirt, let lone trade them in for pants.

"Yes?" Uhura asked as politely as she could. She really hadn't wanted to be bothered.

"Just a little somethin' for ya Lieutenant." She said, holding out a box. Her voice was loud and proud, and Uhura winced slightly. It was, unfortunately, grating on the headache that had started up about five minutes before. She took the small box from the teens hand.

"Thank you, Cadet…?"

"Oh, my name ain't important. Just open it." She seemed oddly excited for someone who was just doing a drop off.

So Uhura opened the small box, pulling out a wristwatch type object out. Along with it was a small note, written from a typewriter. "A little translation gizmo I made up. Speak into it, loud and clear, and it will translate to the last language it heard. Great for learning languages if you know someone who speaks it!"

She looked at the Cadet oddly, putting on the "translation gizmo". The Cadet seemed incredibly pleased.

"So, shall I tell the sender you liked it?"

"Yeah." Uhura said after a moment's contemplative pause. "Tell them thanks for me." The Cadet nodded eagerly, and began striding off down the hall.

"Hey!" Uhura suddenly called. "Who sent it in the first place?"

The mysterious Cadet turned around, eyes shinning. "She said her name was Sparky." And she was gone.

Uhura blinked, then looked down at her gift. She'd test it out with Spock later.

{][][}

It was the third most beautiful thing Scotty had ever seen, right behind Uhura and the Enterprise.

They were just sitting there innocently on his desk, just begging him to play. He couldn't help himself. He picked the bagpipes up off his desk. What did it matter if they were someone else's and they'd accidentally left them there? They were beautiful, they were in fine condition, and he hadn't seen the instrument since he was a kid and his aunt taught him how to play "Amazing Grace". It was the last song he'd ever learned.

He was just about to play the oh-so-lovely instrument when he saw something glittering on the desk, right by where he's found the bagpipe's. He gently places them down on the desk again, snatching the shiny thing off his desk.

It was a card. A very simple card. And excruciatingly simple card, in fact. Four musical notes, one in each corner, with a signature in the center. The signature was what appeared to be a forged version of his own writing using a different name. The name was almost as odd as the card was simple too.

Spockfish.

Whoever had given him the bagpipe's, their name was Spockfish.

Scotty vowed to find them and thank them for the wonderful gift. After he found his kilt, of course.

{][][}

Chekov was disappointed.

First, Sulu had canceled their usual Thursday fencing match, then he couldn't find Scotty, Kirk or McCoy for a game of poker, and now it seemed like Hikaru was just plain avoiding him and he couldn't figure out why to save his life! Okay, maybe the poker wasn't bugging him so much, but he and Sulu had partaken in these fencing matched every Thursday for almost a year. Well, he was probably just distracted. Rumors were rumors, but that didn't change the fact that quite a few women on their lovely Enterprise had a thing for their sword master Helmsmen, so the feelings had to be returned with one of them!

So he half walked half did this cute sulky thingy back to his room. He had changed out of his fencing gear, but there were still other things he could have done. He almost felt guilty about not doing his usual thirty minutes on the treadmill, but he really hadn't felt that up to it.

So he walked into his room, stripped down to his boxers (which gave a nice view of his surprisingly well tones abs, I might add) and was just about to go into the bathroom to take a shower when he noticed something was different.

On his desk. There was a new addition. He walked over, one eyebrow quirking in very Spock-like manner. It was red with a black base with the word "Easy" printed on it. He pressed the red button almost warily because, really, what good could come from a red button? Not much, in his experience. Self destruct buttons, buttons to make other stuff destruct, all red people!

"That was easy."

Chekov's lips turned upward slightly in a grin, and he pressed the button again.

"That was easy."

Well… not what he expected from a red button, but it was kind of cool. He picked it up, turning it off so he wouldn't drain whatever power source it used in idle time, and went to take his shower.

{][][}

A young girl, probably in her early teens, looked around at the other occupants of Rec. Room 6. Why six? Because, in fan fiction, in was always empty. This seemed to also be true when one was actually on the Enterprise. Another score for the writer's, because they unintentionally got yet another this right. Now if only they could find out if Vulcan's ears could perk of if they got drunk on chocolate… but that was Kat's job, if she wanted to. Truthfully, the girl couldn't believe her senior hadn't chosen to give the half-Vulcan chocolate, but she supposed Alice was much more annoying to the Vulcan himself than getting drunk would be.

Now this girl did not look very out of place. She was in the standard blue-ish silver (more blue than anything, but it was still silver and shiny) medical uniform with the short sleeved as well as one of the short skirts and heeled boots. The latter two items annoyed her greatly, but they were the only things she could find in a women's small. Her hazel eyes flashed from one person to the next, not seemed bothered by the way her hair hung over the left half of her face. She had long since accepted that she could never control her brown curls.

Just to her left was the earlier mentioned senior. She was tall and thin, and her body fit into the more ocean blue science uniform perfectly. She too was wearing the skirt due to a lack of slacks in her size, but she had been smart and simply worn black converse that could easily fit in any time period. Her dyed brown hair was in a razor cut, and a seemingly perpetual smirk lit of her (at that moment) yellow eyes.

To her right was another senior. Well, most of the girls there were her senior, actually, but that was beside the point. Anyway, she had red hair which was put up and was in Captain's yellows, which were slightly different from the yellow of the helmsman or navigator uniforms because it turned a sort of green in the right light. She had, despite her petite size, nabbed the final pair of small's in the slacks. Damn her.

Next up was the woman just between Spockfish (who we will get to later) and the grabber of the last pair of slacks. She was around average height, with her brown hair put up in a messy ponytail. She was in the helmsman's yellow, and was also one of the lucks slack finders. Her dark green eye flitted from one person to the next, never pausing even for a second.

Then there was the one right next to the other unfortunate skirt wearer. That was Sparky. She was in the red's of a xenolinguist, and she wore her crooked smile proudly. There was a very good reason their ringleader had chosen her, and it wasn't just because of her fanfic talent. Loud and proud and a mite insane she'd be able to annoy the living hell out of her "victim" in no time flat.

Second to last came another of their ringleader's good friends, as well as her charge. Her blond hair, like many of the other's, was tied back and clashed with her Engineering red uniform. She, too, had been one of the unlucky skirt finders. She, not for the first time, pushed her thick, black rimmed glasses up after they nearly fell off.

Last but not least was the one known (to the ringleader, but it was catching on with everyone else) as "Mags", though her actual name had yet to be disclosed. With her short brown hair and chocolate brown eyes, she looked absolutely perfect in the yellow uniform she had found. She was in the slacks, which the ringleader found unfair considering they were close to the same size. She was absently humming something or other, completely distracted from the meeting. Again.

The ringleader in the medical blues cleared her throat. "So…" She paused, looking over everyone at the meeting… area spread apart on various couches and chairs. "Is phase one complete?"

It was Mags who nodded eagerly. "Aye, Piki, we all sent our gifts!"

"And none of you were seen?" Piki asked, trying and failing to raise one eyebrow, instead raising both.

"Negative," the redhead in the Captain's yellows said. "I believe that all of us were seen by members of the crew.

Spockfish rolled her eyes. "She meant have we been seen by our charges. Duuuhhh." She dragged out the final word, as though thoroughly roughly expressing her point.

Sparky awkwardly twiddled her thumbs. "Maybe I saw mine. Just for a sec." Piki facepalmed, as did several other's.

"Sparky, what did I tell you? Leave it at the door, knock, and pretend your ding-dong-ditching the Captain for giggles, no offence Banbi." The redhead shrugged.

"None taken. I'm torturing him, remember?"

Sparky sunk into her seat. "I couldn't resist! Besides, it's not like she knew who I was!" The second skirt wearer with the razor cut gave a mildly disapproving look to the younger girl.

"Which brings me to the next question which Pikeru forgot to mention, likely because she did it herself. How many of you signed a card or some other little thing to your "charge"?" Four hands went up, including her own. The only ones that seemed not guilty were Anda, Sparky and Mags, though Sparky half raised her hand.

"I said the person who sent the linguist device was named Sparky, so it kinda counts."

Anda and Mags shared a brief look.

"I signed mine from Chekov." Anda said evenly, not saying what she had said exactly.

"I didn't sign anything at all." Mags said, as if to beat her. Of course they were trying to one-up each other; they were on Sulu and Chekov. Two halves to a wicked friendship. They were trying to see who was better.

Piki clapped suddenly, letting out her evil laugh (which would have much better suited someone like Nero, actually). "Excellent! Stage 1, complete girls! Let's head off to our "rooms". We'll start on stage two in the morning. Kat, your with Banbi. Sparky, your with Anda and Spockfish. Mags, your with me. We have plotting to do!" She laughed again, this time normally with only a hint of evil in it, was walked off. The other's followed, and soon they were all in rooms 612 through 615, scheming for phase two.

{][][}

A/N: Woot! Longest first chapter ever! Actually, longest chapter ever period. Six pages people! That's a new record for me! :DDD

Anyways, I'd like to thanks my girls who volunteered to be in this fic: Spontanetiy, Banbi-V, GothicChesire, Sparky Dorian, Andalusia25, and Super Ultra Sexy Spockfish. Not in that order mind you, but still. YOU GUYS ROCK! Thank you for wanting to joing the crack-ish, crazy fun! :B You guys can now officaly use this smiley. No, seriously, go ahead. It may be mind, but now it's ours. You deserve it! ;)

So, yeah. I hope everyone enjoyesd this. It might take a while to finish, but as long and Steve and Minnie decide to keep helping me on this one and not get distracted by the pretty plot bunnies (well, that's more Steve, but Minnie can't do it on her own) we're good!

So, yeah. Reviews welcome. Constructive crit welcome. Flames welcome. Everything's welcome!

~Piki :B