Does anyone ever really read these authors notes?: I promised myself that I'd never post this. I'm a total virgin here (that's what she said) so go easy on me would ya? I'm not pursuing a career in writing, nor am I trying to create a masterpiece. I'm simply going out of my mind with the lack of relationship development between Sam & Freddie on the show, that I kinda need to get it out of my system. And let's face it, Dan isn't going to make what's going on in my head come to life on screen. Le sigh.

Disclaimer: If I owned iCarly, Freddie would have taken Sam roughly against a wall by now, thus making it a show not suitable for children.

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ONE:

…if I could I'd sit this out.

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Ever have one of those situations where you just want to start peeling off your own skin so that you can feel something other than the overwhelming uncomfortable tension floating in the air? Well it's horrible, and it happens far too often for me. I'd had nightmares about similar situations to the one I was currently in before, and they all resulted in me strapped to the hood of my car with her behind the wheel. But right now she was silent, and she'd been that way for more than half an hour. Usually I'd take these silent moments from Sam and revel in them, it was only on very rare occasions that she would be completely quiet, but the circumstances were different now. She wasn't chowing down on a plate of ribs, she didn't have me in a headlock, she wasn't giving some other poor unsuspecting nerd a wedgie and she certainly wasn't asleep in class. She was dealing. In her own Sam way; she was dealing with her emotions the best way she knew how, avoidance.

Seeing her like this did strange things to my gut; I was definitely not used to this sort of silence between us. It scared me shitless to realise just how much I wanted to hear her talk right now. I would never have imagined, not even in four billion light years, feeling like I needed her to insult me, hit me... something.

Huh, how's that for cruel irony?

I'd been telling myself for the better part of ten years that this side of Sam didn't exist, she wasn't deep, she didn't feel pain or let things upset her. She was Sam, hard, obnoxious, rude, always emotionally stunted, sarcastic Sam; that I could handle, her current mood and the silence I could not.

"You ok?" I saw her stiffen slightly as my words cut through the stillness. Her face was hidden behind her curls as she rested her head against the window but I could just about feel the scowl she was giving me from behind the safety of her hair. She never responded. "Sam c'mon," I waited a beat for an answer, "Look I know how you mus-"

"Can it, dork. The last thing I need right now is your whiney voice ringing in my ears," She spat, never lifting her head off the glass.

Why did I ever expect more than that? In what twisted universe did I think Sam would want to talk about the emotional goodbye she'd just shared with her best friend, and why would she ever want to talk about it with me?

Moron.

Carly had dropped a bomb on us last night, well more like a 'ninja ambush' as Sam had so eloquently put it. She was leaving Seattle for three years to study in Europe, which meant the plans of us all attending UW together were thrown aggressively out the window. Leaving me and Sam without our friend, without our mutual buffer, without the peacemaker that kept us together. Carly had kept the news from us for almost two weeks, deciding that a last minute whirlwind twenty-four hour goodbye would be better than stretching it out over several weeks making things awkward and tense.

Yeah, thanks Carly.

I tried to focus on anything, anything but the obviously upset and now agitated blonde beside me. I was doing a pretty good job, thinking about who my roommate would be in a few weeks, what classes I'd signed up for, all that college stuff that should be occupying my thoughts. But everything went back to Carly from the moment she'd hit us with the news, and what I'd just witnessed from Sam.

"She's not taking this well," Carly announced, still staring at the studio door after Sam declared she needed ham and walked out.

"She seems fine to me Carly."

I saw no difference from the time before Carly had told us she was leaving up until now. Sam always needed ham. Whether it was the early hours of the morning, in the middle of fourth period, right after brushing her teeth (gross) or at the zoo conveniently in front of the wild boar exhibit. Go figure. How Carly came to the conclusion that Sam was genuinely upset about this was beyond me.

"Exactly," She stated as if I should know what she was talking about.

"I take it I'm supposed to know what you mean?"

"Come on Freddie," She paused, placing her hands on her hips and tilting her head to the side disapprovingly, "How long have you known Sam?"

Oh god, too long; nearly left my lips but I managed to catch it. "I don't know. Going on ten years I guess," I may have grimaced.

"Ok, and in that ten years you've managed to miss Sam's coping mechanism some how? It might seem like she doesn't care, but she does Freddie. More than you know," Carly replied, solemnly.

"I don't doubt that she cares Carly; I mean I refuse to believe she's made of complete stone. But I suspect her level of grief over this is about as high as the football team's average this year. Even when it comes to you."

I thought she was being slightly too dramatic about Sam and her reaction to all this. Sam had never shown me that she cared about anything except for food and sleeping, and of course her specific affinity to cause me bodily harm. What else was I supposed to think?

"You know for a smart boy you're a complete idiot sometimes!"

"Ouch," I said wide eyed, Carly rarely insulted me.

"Look. I know you think she hates you and is completely devoid of any compassion but you have it all wrong. She's hurting right now, and she would rather have everyone believe that she doesn't give a shit than have to deal with the emotions she's feeling publicly."

"That's so messed up," I added.

Why the hell was it my problem that Sam was this way? Carly was always trying to get me to see reason when it came to Sam, but the damage had been done. She and I just weren't meant to be as close as they were.

"Yeah, it is. But you don't know her like I do."

Here we go again. "Well whose fault is that?" I shot, my annoyance building.

"Freddie stop. Can we please not have this conversation again, at least not tonight? I know you think that this is just Sam being difficult but it isn't," Carly pleaded.

I really truly didn't want to get into this again, especially not now but I was just so irritated. I rolled my eyes and replied, "Whatever." I threw myself down into a beanbag, letting my anger dissipate into some form of grief over my best friend slash part time girl of my dreams leaving me in a matter of hours.

Carly plopped herself down into the beanbag beside mine, and turned to look at me. I refused to meet her gaze because I knew she had her 'favour' face on, and I really didn't want to do her any favours at this point. I knew looking at her would make me cave in to her every wish in just a matter of seconds. I was such a fucking pushover.

"I actually was hoping you could do me a favour?"

Of course.

I let out a rather loud, albeit aggravated, sigh, "Why do I get the feeling I'm not going to like this?"

"Because I think you know what I'm going to ask," She smiled widely at me. I just rolled my eyes and offered no reply. "Can you promise me that you'll try to look out for her while I'm gone?"

Ding Ding Ding! What do I win this time?

"Ohhhh, Carly!" I whined, like the little girl I was whenever she asked anything of me.

"Please Freddie. I'm only asking you to try. For me? She'd never admit it but she needs someone... even you."

Yeah right, I mused.

Sam would rather swallow razor blades than spend alone 'friend' time with me, regardless of whether or not she needed someone. Carly didn't falter once, her smile still spread widely across her face, her eyes more pleading than I'd ever seen them.

I let out yet another sigh, "I hope you know how much you owe me for this."

"Freddie you're the best!" She beamed, jumping out of her beanbag, dragging me with her into an overzealous bear hug.

"Whoa! Have I ruined the moment? Should I dim the lights and leave?" Sam teased entering the studio with a plate of ham piled high enough to feed a small country.

Carly immediately moved over to Sam and grabbed her into the same bear like hug. "C'mere you goof." I could tell Carly's cheesy grin was now forced and she was holding back tears as she hugged Sam. Sam's face never changed, blank and unfazed with her signature smirk.

"Chill Carls. You're not dying." She laughed, not putting any emotion into the hug at all.

I tried to replay Carly's words in my head, that Sam was actually having a difficult time with this. It wasn't the first time Carly had tried to explain Sam and her 'ways' to me, but I just could not see what she was trying to tell me. If it was true, Sam was one hell of an actress.

The night continued much the same, none of us acknowledging how it was inevitably going to end. We did our final broadcast of iCarly showing clips from old episodes and reliving our favourite moments. We promised the viewers that we'd keep the iCarly site open to update them with blogs and to post videos whenever we could, Sam did have good ideas sometimes, had to give her that much.

Carly's farewell was difficult to watch, she never shed a tear but her voice cracked and she took several pauses to regain her composure. I kept an eye on Sam during Carly's speech; I guess you could say she wasn't her usual bright self. I joined the two girls on camera for our group farewell before Spencer cut the feed and announced it was time to head to the airport.

My stomach was in knots. It was all happening too quickly, way too quickly, and my brain was desperately trying to keep up. I didn't even register that Spencer was talking to me, until he snapped his fingers in my face twice before repeating himself.

Something about wanting to drive Carly to the airport... alone.

Well, great.

I quickly pushed the now sinking gut feeling aside and tried to see things from Spencer's perspective. They needed some alone time, for Spencer to get in his goodbyes and what I suspected to be the mandatory brotherly advice.

So I drove Sam and the rest of Carly's luggage that wouldn't fit in Spencer's car out to the airport. We argued, she insulted, I tried to gain control of the stereo, and she smacked me across the head before playing some rock song I'd never heard of before in my life; nothing unusual.

We all stood at the gate waiting for the final call. None of us spoke a great deal, just general chit chat about the other passengers, where Carly would be sitting... all that superficial crap people spin when they don't want to address the elephant in the room. We were silently watching the people filter into the gate when the announcement came.

"This is the final boarding call for flight 293 to London."

"That's you kid." Spencer announced.

"Yeah. I guess it is." Carly turned to face us, still no tears but they weren't far off, I suspected she'd be a wreck once she was in her seat.

"I'll miss you guys so much," She paused. Trying to lighten the mood she let out a small chuckle, "But thank God for technology right? And summer vacations."

I gave her a small reassuring smirk before she hugged me and said, "Please try." I nodded.

She then shared a hug with Spencer before turning to Sam.

"Pointless of me to ask you to try and stay out of trouble huh?" Carly asked, Sam gave her a smirk but it never reached her eyes and faded almost instantly. I watched as Carly took her by the hand and they moved closer to the gate, Sam simply kept her eyes on the ground as Carly spoke, nodding every so often.

Sam's mood had done a complete one-eighty in just a matter of minutes. I saw no aggression, I saw no fire, I simply saw hopelessness; and when Carly hugged Sam, and turned to wave at us one more time before disappearing onto the jetway I saw a small piece of Sam break. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't somewhat intrigued by this, I'd never seen her upset, subdued or detached, ever.

She was trying her hardest to keep it hidden from the world, just as she had always done, but she was failing, and I think she knew she was but couldn't seem to care. My eyes may have deceived me but I was sure I saw at least one tear slide down her cheek. She continued to stare blankly at the now closed doors of Gate 16 before collapsing with what seemed like emotional exhaustion into a nearby chair.

I felt something.

Spencer suddenly spoke, tearing my focus away from Sam. "I'm ahh, heading over to Socko's. You alright to give Sam a lift home?"

Going to drown his sorrows I suspected. The impending doom of having to drive Sam home like this made me feel like I was going to spill the contents of my stomach all over the carpet and my shoes. I could feel every ounce of blood drain from my face. But I had promised Carly, unwillingly, to look out for Sam, and I knew that going back to that empty apartment right now was not what Spencer wanted. He needed just one night with a bottle of vodka, who was I to deny him that? I could do with a bottle of vodka myself right now.

"Sure. No problem Spence," I replied, turning my gaze back to Sam. She hadn't moved.

Spencer gave me a very unenthusiastic hair tussle before leaving. I stood there for a few minutes having an internal argument with myself, how was I going to approach this situation? It was all foreign to me. I was getting some pretty weird looks from the people that passed by. Not wanting to have to deal with a security issue I decided quickly that I'd handle Sam the same way I handle her when she's all wound up about ready to inflict bodily harm. Not speak. I moved over to where she was, her face unchanged, her eyes blank. I sat in the spare seat next to her, and we just sat.

I had never given much thought into the inner workings of Sam's psyche. But tonight had given me far too much to dwell on, I hated this feeling. I always just took Sam on face value, or more appropriately how easily she could beat me into a pulp if she knew I was trying to decipher what went on in her messed up head, so I never bothered. I wanted to scream, or throw myself at a wall, maybe both.

Carly was the only person that knew the real Sam, she was the only one that was ever allowed to see behind Sam's tough exterior, beyond the insults and the bruises. They were the text book definition of best friends. But for us, well I don't think there's a single word in the english language to appropriately define the 'relationship' Sam and I have, enemy sounds too harsh and friend is too much of a stretch. How is anyone supposed to define the relationship between a girl who tortures you every chance she gets but you are forced to hang out with because she just happens to be the best friend of the girl you once loved?

Yeah, figure that one out and get back to me.

But why did I even need to define it? Up until now I was quite content with how things were for Sam and me. We were always just each others verbal bashing spring boards. Well, I was hers for longer than I care to admit, but I've been getting mine back these past few years.

That psychology unit I glanced over when signing up for classes wasn't looking so bad now. If to only get some inadvertent answers and rid my mind of these impossible, confusing, and down right inconvenient thoughts. I could learn something new, figure Sam out and never have to think about her in a confusing context again. Simple.

I don't know how much time had passed, I was desperately trying to curb my thoughts before I drowned in my confusion so paying attention to the clock was low on my list of priorities. Finally I'd managed to find a happy memory. I was quietly re-playing our first iCarly episode in my head when Sam shook me out of my daze.

"Pull over here," She demanded. I nearly jumped at the sound.

"What?"

"Pull over. I wanna get out here," She stated as if it were the most obvious thing.

"Sam we're nowhere near your house."

"I'm not going home," She explained, in a tone that made me feel like I was back in 4th grade. By this time she'd undone her seatbelt and had her hand ready to open her door.

"Well where exactly are you going? Because it looks as if we're nowhere," I said finally taking notice of our surroundings. Empty houses on the left and what appeared to be a large field lined with trees to the right.

"Where I go and what I do is not your concern Fredly. Now stop the car."

Images of Sam wrenching open the door and jumping out of the car as I still sped along the road flashed through my mind. I wouldn't put that kind of thing past her, and to avoid the guilt trip I'd get if she was hurt while I was behind the wheel I reluctantly pulled the car to a stop.

"I'm not comfortable leaving you here Sam."

"Well I am a big girl Benson. It's not like I need someone to look out for me, making sure I don't scrape my knee or talk to strangers," She said while opening her door and climbing out.

Her tone threw me off, I couldn't tell for sure but I swear there was a hidden message in there somewhere. I got the odd sense that she was pissed at me for not being able to read her mind. Before I got to question her on the possible hidden meaning she slammed the door and screamed, "See ya round Freddo!" And with that she took off running down the path, into the bushes and out of sight.

I was in deep shit. Carly was going to verbally bitch slap me when I next spoke to her, not to mention my own conscience suddenly throwing in the feeling of immense guilt for letting her disappear, alone, late at night. But how the hell was I supposed to stop her? Sam was flakey and lived by the seat of her pants, nothing scared her. Certainly not Freddie Benson demanding that she got back in the car, if I could even find her at all. She would be fine right? She did this kind of thing all the time.

I must have sat in the idle car for at least fifteen minutes contemplating my next move. Carly's absence already having a ripple effect. I rested my head on the steering wheel for a moment and thought about just how completely screwed things were going to be between Sam and I from now on. Carly had always been able to talk sense into Sam, reason with her, but me? Well I was at a loss. Anger slowly started to creep its way into the mix.

She was so unbelievably selfish! Just taking off like that not bothering to think about the people who might actually be concerned for her safety. She did what she wanted when she wanted regardless of anyone else, regardless of anyone else's feelings. Well damn it, I could be that selfish too! I sped off in the direction of Bushwell Plaza, screeching the tires as I went hoping she could hear my anger through the sound of burning rubber.

I made a deal with myself to not let another thought about Sam plague me... ever again.

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A/N: I have no frame of reference, but I can pretty much categorically say that reviews make me giddy.

[BETA'd by iCarlyAngst]

Chapter title comes from the song 'Failure by Design' by Brand New.