Warning: serious crack ahead. And cross dressing. And lots of crack.

Side Story 9

"I hate you." Matthew muttered into his stuffed bear as he sulked on the couch. "I hate you a lot."

Ivan didn't seem concerned. He was taking advantage of Alfred's absence to play Tetris without being harassed for a 'cooler game.'

"What would Alfred say? Ah, it will be fun!" Ivan replied calmly, clearly not understanding that Alfred's version of fun didn't match with any sane college student's version of fun. Well, maybe the jello shots and keggers, but the crazy charity shit? No way.

"Yes, fun. Did Al tell you this was a team event?"

"Da."

Matthew grabbed the remote and muted the song; it was driving him up the wall, playing over and over and over and over and over again! Didn't Ivan ever start over? Were all Russians inborn with the ability to get to level bazillion on Tetris or was he just special?

"And you realize that you are participating too, right?"

That got his attention.

"Nyet."

"No you didn't know or no you're not going to do it? Because now you do and yes you are." Matthew said over the bear. He loved his boyfriend, he loved his boyfriend. Just because his boyfriend was stupid enough to get played by Alfred – who wasn't even here! – didn't mean he loved him any less. But if Matthew was going down because of Ivan, then he was going to take Ivan down with him. There was no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Ivan's violet eyes widened comically and his mouth curled into a small, shocked 'o.' He shook his head slightly and put his hands up in surrender.

"Ivan."

Ivan gave puppy dog eyes.

Matthew swore he was going to cut off his brother's b—ahem, pluck out his eyeballs. Clearly he was teaching Ivan all kinds of bad habits. Who knows what kind of terrible influence he was on Natalia, the scary chick with the knives. It was pretty adorable though – not the Natalia part, Ivan's face. Especially over his big nose with a platinum fringe falling in his eyes.

Sensing weakness, he cocked his head slightly and pooched out his bottom lip.

Matthew almost died.

"Ahahahahahahaha!"

Ivan's angelic expression melted into an irritated scowl while Matthew tried desperately to catch his breath. It took a little bit of effort and he realized that Ivan would probably pout in Alfred's room… hmm, perfect place for a little make up time. What Alfred didn't know wouldn't hurt him. And if his webcam happened to be rolling… well, he shouldn't make his password 'hamburgerhero.'

"No, no, it was a good try." Matthew tried to console Ivan with a pat to the shoulder. He snatched his hand back when Ivan made a grab. He gave a peacemaker smile, "Let me make it up to you, okay? How do pancakes sound?"

Pancakes sounded grand to him. Matthew didn't wait for an answer as he hauled himself up and tossed the bear to the side. Ivan didn't really mean to, but he almost made up for his earlier stupidity. Almost. He was still going to be in that damn contest. In a dress.

Really, it was Matthew's fault. He should have known when Alfred failed to convince him to participate that Al would go after Ivan. His brother was a dick like that.

Every year one of the many charities Alfred volunteered for held a drag show. And every year, like the ridiculous attention whore he was, Alfred showed up in a star spangled bikini. And every year he smoked the competition. .fail. Except this year he was off at some summer science camp and lamenting about how his spotless record was going to be ruined. And by lamenting, Al was bitching. Endlessly. Matthew was never so happy to shove his brother on the bus and wave good-bye.

He put it out of his mind until he received a very chipper email congratulating him on signing up for the fifth annual contest. It went on to explain that this year was a special year because the contestants would compete in teams of three. As a result, the sponsors had promised to triple the amount donated to the winning charity. At the bottom of the email was a pile of pitbull puppies that looked like Daisy's little brothers.

That douche.

It wasn't until later in the day when Ivan wandered in from class incredibly pleased with himself. He proceeded to tell Matthew that he "convinced" Toris to have his brother run Matthew's personal information so he could fill out the form.

"…Alfred said Matvey would be in a dress." Ivan said following him into the kitchen. Matthew tried not to roll his eyes. Of course.

Matthew pulled out the flour and grabbed some eggs, "Yeah, you will. And I get to see you in a dress too. So we're even. Do you think Toris would be on our team?"

"I don't want to see Toris in a dress."

Neither did Matthew but it was clear they needed a third person. He thought about his friends: Lars was definitely out. He would probably laugh so hard he'd crack a rib and then make some lewd comment about uses for pantyhose. Tino wouldn't be too bad except Matthew really didn't want the image of him in drag in his head. Tino would just look too good. Berwald on the other hand was too scary. Gilbert would be even worse. He would want blackmail pictures and Matthew would never hear the end of it if he were a 'girl' even for some stupid contest to save some ridiculously cute puppies. Curse Alfred! Why couldn't it have been ugly children? Sophie couldn't participate and Ludwig usually chaired the judging booth anyway. Who else was there?

"Ivan, I'm serious. We need a third person." Matthew flipped the pancake perfectly and placed it on the plate. Ivan hovered eagerly behind him, all slights temporarily forgotten. He hummed in thought before saying cheerfully, "Yao-Yao!"

Well, that was even worse than Toris. Toris was a crush; Yao was an old flame. And Matthew didn't really know a lot about him, although he constantly seemed cross at the large "family" he bullied and herded around the college. He had a sharp tongue but didn't seem unnecessarily cruel. And he certainly looked the part of a girl with his long hair and petite frame.

Before Matthew could veto the idea, Ivan had out his phone and was clumsily typing out some message to Yao. The two settled into to their breakfast for dinner and chatted about normal things. Matthew almost felt like he could relax. Things had been going very well with Ivan lately. Ivan was paying attention to what he said. The Russian wasn't overly clingy but he seemed to be paying Matthew more attention. Positive attention. He seemed to be finding a balance to his possessiveness.

And it made Matthew feel secure and loved. He couldn't help but respond. But he also worried. He couldn't help it.

Impulsively he reached over and hugged Ivan. Ivan sat still for a moment before hugging back gently. The two sat like that over the stack of pancakes until Ivan's phone chirped. Oh yes, Ivan enjoyed driving him crazy with annoying noises. The cricket ringtone was just the newest in the long line of 'what will annoy Alfred the most' noises. Sadly, most of them just amused Alfred but annoyed the heck out of Matthew.

"Priyet! Ah, Yao-yao…" Ivan was cut off by an angry tirade that spilled out into the small kitchen. At the end Matthew clearly heard: "Ivan, you know I am too busy to play with you!"

Click.

The big Russian slowly put down his phone, "Yao-yao said no. But that's okay! I will go visit tomorrow in person. I am very persuasive!"

Matthew didn't doubt it.

Still, he was surprised the next day when Ivan came back. He had been wracking his brain for someone else who would help them without much luck. The door opened then slammed and he assumed the worst. He had no idea what the worst actually was.

"Wow, this is super small! I thought all houses in America were huge. This is like my apartment at home, except that's much smaller, and I have to share it with my umma and appa and nuna!" Im Yong Soo glanced curiously around before pouncing on the game consoles, "I have this game; it's great. But it only took twenty hours straight to beat… Oh, and this one's good, but the sequel sucked. Hmm, I haven't played this one yet. Yao's so mean! He says I play too many video games and that I should study more! Then when I'm actually studying, he tells me to do something useful for once and make this big guy go away. So when I go to kick him out, the door slams behind me! And it locks! Can you believe that? So here I am. Can I play Xbox now?"

Matthew's jaw dropped. It was the Asian version of Alfred.

"Let me guess, Yao volunteered him to be on our team?" Ivan nodded in response looking nonplussed at the Korean expertly flipping on the console. Matthew groaned into his hands. With Yao they might have stood a chance, but now they needed a miracle.

A miracle which seemed to be forthcoming. (FF to the future!~)

Matthew couldn't help smirking a little at the competition.

"Hey, Gil!"

Gilbert glanced up in surprise then smirked, "Matt-man, how's it hanging? Oh wait, it's not. I hope you know how to tuck."

Matthew just rolled his eyes, "Why are you here Gil?"

"Because West told me to do something productive other than give people nicknames when they are lame and come to buy pussy chocolates. He also insulted my intelligence saying it was amazing I could do awesome alliterations and it had to be a fluke. I showed him, that lame loser Ludwig." Gilbert complained, "Oh, and I wanted to totally show your attention whore of a brother up! Annoying, arrogant Alfred the awful agonistic. That winning ribbon will look great on my Mustang as I roll past your house… ten or twenty times playing 'We Are the Champions.'" Matthew didn't comment on agonistic – he assumed Gilbert meant something else, but who knows.

Which meant Fr—

"Ah, Matthieu, so good to see you~" Francis purred in his ear making him jump slightly, "By chance are you participating in this delightful event as well? Wonderful. You have a very—" Francis' hands roamed down Matthew's sides slowly, "flattering figure!" They, predictably, ended up on his butt. He yelped and Francis laughed lightly, "So sweet and innocent, non?"

"Hands off Frenchie Fuckface Francis!" Gilbert growled at his friend. Francis turned around and clicked his tongue, "I do wish you would stop with the juvenile name calling, oh grouchy, gabbing Gilbert."

"Don't you mean glorious, godly and gigantic—" he pointed to his crotch in a lewd motion, "Gilbert!"

Francis put his hand on his head in mock despair, "How could I forgot your awesome five meters. The shame!"

"Damn straight, and don't forget it, you flatulent fraud!" Gilbert retorted vengefully with a cackle. Francis glared, "Uncalled for! Sometimes, between you and Arthur, I question my sanity! There is only so much a kind, beautiful and gentle soul such as myself can take of your uncouth behavior! Disgusting that you would even mention it."

Gilbert grinned, showing his canines, and slowly put both hands to his face and blew into them.

"Stop it!"

Toni wandered up and gave his friends a puzzled glance. He clearly had no idea what was going on but cheerfully imitated his friend, puffing air out of his cheeks with a wet sound. At that point Francis was shrieking and putting hands over his ears in outrage.

Matthew decided to walk away while his dignity was still intact. And he walked right into a very solid wall. He assumed it was Ivan, but when he pulled away, he alternated between the desire to scream and wet himself.

"H-hi B-berwald." …in drag.

Tino waved from behind the big man cheerfully, already wearing make-up and a long, blond wig with a flower headband. A pretty white shiny dress with light blue trim hugged the curves that no man should have. He gave a wink and blew a kiss with painted lips. What had been seen couldn't be unseen. Matthew was now forever going to look at his team captain and picture this moment.

"H-hi Tino. Umm, wow."

Tino giggled, "If you think I look good, wait until you see Mathias! He's a stunner. Oh, sorry, you must be our competition. I guess I shouldn't let you see us before the show just in case!"

Cue the Twilight Zone music.

Matthew had been abducted in his sleep and was now on an alternate planet where everyone had lost their minds. Or Ivan had finally banged his head too hard while they were mock wrestling on the living room floor and he had a concussion. The second one seemed more plausible, but Alfred swore there were aliens out there and it was always better to blame the wrong on others.

"There you are… um, what was your name?" Yong Soo frowned in puzzlement before supplementing, "Anyway, Alfred's brother, the scary creep is looking for you. We need to get ready. But don't worry, cross-dressing was invented in Korea! It's in my blood; I'm a pro at all the fashion games! And I diligently study all the latest pop stars."

How comforting. At least one of them knew something useful.

Luckily the three were not let to their own devises. Matthew looked at the array of alchemist powders and pigments littering the tablet. They seemed to come in every color and skin shade imaginable and the little tubes taunted and teased him.

"Hi boys!" Sophie chuckled at their bewildered looks, "Ludwig thought you might need some help. Actually, he said that the audience wouldn't donate if they ran away in horror." There was a loud crash and shouting through the wall, "Sounds like Liz is already at work! I hope Gilbert is okay. Blood is so not fashionable."

Oh. Good. Lord. Matthew wasn't sure Gil and Francis would last long enough to make it on the stage. They might win by default or at least come in second.

Sophie dived in enthusiastically, probably viewing them all as the baby sisters she never had, but Ivan fidgeted and Yong Soo whined. Matthew almost got poked in the eye twice. Some of that stuff wasn't too bad but the mascara was killer. Sophie stepped back and let them look in the mirror before bursting into laughter and running from the room.

Matthew looked at Yong Soo first. The bouncy Korean's hair was curled, his eyebrows plucked and his usual curl still sticking up obstinately, bobbing around his head like a retarded halo. Sophie had done his make-up to make his face look softer and rounder and he had heavy emphasis on his brown eyes. He grinned like a maniac, his white teeth gleaming against painted lips, and twirled. He actually kinda looked like a girl. Not a knock-out, drop dead gorgeous girl, but at least of the female persuasion. He happily wandered off to pick their clothing, wearing only the padded bra and underwear they had been given earlier.

Matthew glanced at himself next. His eyes widened and he had to look around to make sure no one else was in the mirror. Alfred was right! He should've been born a girl. Sophie had opted to only lightly do him up and the blush highlighted his fine cheekbones while the shadow accented his big, blue eyes. A pink gloss covered his lips and a matching pink was painted on his nails. His wavy hair was always nice (shut up – just because he spent $50 on shampoo and conditioner a month and threatened to chop off Alfred's fingers if he so much as smelled it) but the silk flowers clipped artfully to the side were pretty nice. He tilted his head in wonder and gave a small smile. He fought the urge to check behind him again.

"Matvey is beautiful."

Matthew blushed. He knew he ought to punch Ivan for that.

He turned around to say something and stopped dead.

Ivan was the ugliest woman on the planet. No wonder Sophie ran away crying with laughter. His height worked against him, but women could be tall. No, it was the simple fact that no amount of make-up could ever change his poor, big nose. It stuck out from his face like a mountain peak between two (still) wide brows (he wasn't too thrilled with the idea of waxing them). He had already scratched the wig (probably chosen to hide his similarly big ears) out of place and rubbed off the lipstick. He looked down with an amused smile.

"You're… wearing make-up." Nice save. "Let's go get dressed."

Once they were dressed and assembled on the stage, he got a look at the competition. If Ivan was ugly, poor Berwald was outright hideous. The Trio were grinning and waving. Francis was gracefully sporting business causal slacks and a silk blouse. He would have been pretty good except for the tiny fact he this had his facial hair. Maybe he was hoping it wouldn't be noticeable from a distance. The rest of his hair was probably the reason he had opted for a long sleeve shirt and flowing pants and a silk scarf around his neck. Toni had his wig up in a bun with red carnations and had on a frilly red dress. He was cheerfully swishing it around and commenting to his friends how cool it looked.

"I think he shaved!" Yong Soo whispered in awe at the smooth legs and high heels.

Matthew stared at Gilbert. The Albino had somehow found a waist-length wig that had been fashioned to dramatically flair every which way (judging by the hairspray fallout, Gil was probably high as a kite) and was wearing a completely indecent short black skirt, skin tight top, and a loose jacket that hid the fact he didn't have any curves. Liz must have had a field day with his make-up because he lost his demonic look and had settled on the bad girl your mother warned you about. The half smirk and tilted chin only completed the look.

Matthew flushed in embarrassment… he had a little problem. That was threatening to be a big problem. Come ON! He wasn't a wishy-washy teenager and he wasn't into girls, so why now? Ivan was never particularly jealous of Gilbert, and Matthew had never really thought about it, but what if there was an old flame flickering? That made him feel guilty and worried. He knew he wasn't going to get back with Gil but he worried that Ivan wouldn't see it the same way.

Which meant Ivan could never find out. For Gil's safety and their relationship.

He looked at the judges: Roderich, Toris, and Kiku. Well, at least they would ATTEMPT to be unbiased. Arthur was glaring out from the first row, phone at the ready. He was probably going to give Al a blow-by-blow account of the whole thing. That was, if he could get his eyes off Francis' crotch. Sophie, Liz, and Mei sat to the side, chatting about their 'projects.' Matthew saw a lot more familiar faces and he wanted the earth to swallow him up and drop him in a lava pit.

He swore this all the time, but this time he really meant it: Alfred was going to die! Slowly and painfully.

"Okay, would all the participants walk the catwalk slowly so the judges can see you? Team Ice, please go first!"

Matthew stared at Yong Soo, who looked equally panicked. Ivan was too busy snickering as Berwald gamely tried to stride sexily along in his outfit.

"We don't have a team name!"

"Oh, oh, how about LoveDream! Or… or… DreamLove! Or CrazyLovers… I know, MagicDreamHappiness!" Yong Soo suggested rapidly, "Ooo, MagicDreamLove!"

Ivan looked down with a frown, "Those are stupid."

Gilbert chuckled from the other side, "You mean retarded. We all knew Matt-man is a little special."

"L-let's think about this logically!" Matthew pleaded and linked arms with Ivan to keep him from pummeling Gilbert. A laugh was bubbling in his chest. He wasn't good at naming things. Then again, he didn't name a male pitbull Daisy. Clearly names weren't everything in his contest, "How about we use our initials!"

"IMYS? YSMI? MIYS?" Yong Soo rattled off. "SYMI? MYSI?"

"I see, you see, my see." Gilbert chanted. "I see a pack of 'tards!"

"MYSI's kinda cool." Yong Soo said, ignoring the albino and rubbing his chin, "MYSI3! Because every good name has a number!" Before they could agree, he bounced off to Ludwig, who was playing host, and whispered the name to him. Ludwig raised a brow (probably either thinking it was utter nonsense OR pleased that it wasn't something stupid).

"Give a hand, ladies and gentlemen, next is the… Bad Touch Trio." Ludwig was gritting his teeth by the end of the name and looked like he wanted to smack his head into a nearby wall.

"Hi everyone! I love you all!" Toni whooped and sashayed across the stage, wiggling his hips and the frills energetically. Feliciano, who was a few rows back, was shaking his stupefied brother in concern while the rest of the crowd went wild. Toni slowed down to give the audience a good view of his behind before tagging off Francis. Francis flipped his hair back and strode, pausing dramatically for effect before blowing kisses to the audience. Unlike his partner's, his attempts to win the crowd weren't very success. He passed off to Gilbert grumbling in French under his breath.

Ivan smiled and leaned his way, "Ah, good try, my friend. But perhaps if you did not look as though you were a—what was it Alfred called it? – ah, a 'woman of the night', you would have more luck."

Gilbert, on the other hand, was skipping subtle. He clicked his heels sharply against the stage, the shit-eating grin never leaving his face. He leaned over a few times and pretended to inspect a tear in his pantyhose stockings with a noise before ripping it further. He shook his head in mock despair and flicked his hair back with attitude.

Yong Soo was alternating between laughing and gagging but Ivan (and the judges) was watching Gilbert's performance with a critical eye. Toris looked like he really wanted some alcohol while Roderich's mouth was pursed into an almost invisible line. Kiku was giving a small, pleased smile. No doubt he was looking to add to his picture collection.

"Last but not least, we have team MYSI3!"

Yong Soo bounded up and twirled, his long folds of fabric swishing merrily behind him. He did a few experimental jumps before doing full out flips. The audience gasped in surprise and burst into applause. Gilbert grumbled about stupid Korean show offs. He twirled one last time and gave a deep bow towards the judges. Kiku, for once, didn't look fratricidal and the other two were nodding. Matthew thought that was a good sign. Yong Soo mostly stuck around his family, so he didn't really have the bias of the BBT.

Ivan went next. Matthew couldn't watch. It wasn't as bad as Berwald but it was clear that even in low heels he was having trouble. Probably because heels weren't made to fit his size foot comfortably. He also seemed uncomfortable in front of the audience because there was a slight red on his cheeks when he returned. Matthew reached over and gave his hand an encouraging squeeze. The crowd clapped dutifully.

Nervously, he tottered forward. He latched onto Arthur, who was staring at him like he'd morphed into a My Little Pony. It was actually a little disturbing to see the stars in his big, green eyes. His eyebrows were clear up his forehead and in his hairline. He gave a giant, gooey grin and waved bonelessly.

O-kay, creep-y.

Matthew looked at Sophie instead. She had coached all of them on what to think about for their 'routine' before taking her seat. She urged Matthew to play the 'innocent.' Don't take big, sure strides. Pause and look around from under your bangs and lashes. Play with your curls. Fiddle with your outfit. And BLUSH boy!

Turns out those were all easy things for him to do. By the time he made it back to the stage, the crowd was clapping and aww-ing. He sighed in relief. Now it was over and he could go home. Alfred would owe him back massages and prime video game time forever. Ivan would insist he dress up in some maid outfit for some role-play. And he could have some comfort pancakes…

"Now, we will take a slight break while the contestants get ready for the next challenge."

WHAT?

"The next contest is cooking, so contestants, discuss the meal you will be presenting to the judges. The theme is desserts."

The curtains went down and Ludwig's voice boomed from the other side as he solicited donations. He sounded like a shady human trafficker all of a sudden. Matthew frowned. He was a college student; he didn't cook!

Yong Soo pouted, "Obviously, kimchi is best; it was created in Korea after all! But… it takes time to make."

"You eat kimchi for dessert?"

"Kimchi is mana from heaven. Good Koreans eat it for every meal! It is good for digestion, blood, heart, to fight against cancer, the liver, the spleen, the stomach, and the bowels. Plus, it helps keep you healthy and your penis strong. It is Korean yogurt!" Yong Soo said tilting his head and pointing his finger at the world at large.

"Sounds more like Korean steroids." Francis murmured to Toni, "And probably just as pleasing to the palette. We have this in the bag."

"Haha, yes, serve that shit up! We'd be sure to win then." Gilbert cackled, "Although the stuff isn't too bad. Kind of like some sauerkraut with a bit of kick to it."

Yong Soo drew himself up and puffed out his chest looking like an aggravated robin, "Kimchi is nothing like your stinky cabbage! It is steeped in decades of tradition and dedication and gochu jang! How insulting!"

"Moi Dieu, a part of my soul just died. Uncouth heathens." Francis said, rolling his eyes, "Gilbert, surely you have learned something from your brother?"

"Just his porn collection… oh you mean kitchen shit? Nah, that's way too pussy for me."

Francis sighed, "You know the German cake boss is nothing compared to his snooty Austrian cousin. Ah, well, you can't go wrong with French cuisine."

Ivan was vaguely listening. With a perplexed look, he turned to Matthew, "Matvey said Alfred wins every year. Yet this competition requires more than a microwave. I fail to see how he has won."

Matthew gave a rueful smile, "Al is good at cooking three things: BBQ ribs, hamburgers and a killer apple pie."

Ivan started laughing, scaring the other contestants out of their arguments.

Matthew deadpanned, "I'm not kidding."

"That is scary," Ivan said in a hushed tone.

There was a moment of silence from all parties in the room.

"Churros!" Toni suddenly proclaimed, "Everyone loves Churros!"

Each team broke off into separate kitchen areas on the stage. Matthew sighed. Well, pancakes could be for dessert, right? He sighed. He didn't think most people ate pancakes for dessert. Well, they couldn't do kimchi. He looked hopefully at Ivan, who shook his head, "My sister is a very good cook!" Translation: I'm a lazy, manly slob who can't cook. At this point Matthew was wishing they did have Yao; he seemed to at least have a notion of how to be in the kitchen without blowing anything up or burning it down.

If Alfred could make a pie, so could he!

Matthew rooted around and smiled. This would work. It would do nicely. He turned to his two newly dubbed helpers and they got to work. (FF to the future!)

Matthew and his team gazed proudly at their creation. Yong Soo proudly proclaimed that he was the master of Cooking Mama. Matthew, on the other hand, was suddenly grateful for all those cooking shows he ended up watching with Francis post-sex (yes, Francis was seriously weird – but since Matthew wouldn't let him smoke, they had to compromise). Ivan just looked like he wanted to eat it. Matthew swatted his hand away.

When it was placed between Team Ice's plate of glorified pancakes (dammit, pancakes could be a dessert!) and Francis'… sparkling concoction of utter Frenchiness pounds of butter and sugar wrapped in a delectable dress, it looked a little humble.

Fuck Frenchy Fuckface Francis and his culinary prowess!

Each judge eyed the food, checking the presentation, before taking small pieces. Matthew anxiously watched Roderich. If anyone was going to be a blatant jackass about the taste, I'd be him. Roderich was having a stare down with the pie over his glasses. He gave a dainty sniff then let it touch his lips ever so slightly. Satisfied it wasn't laced with cyanide, he took a little nibble. His thin eyebrows shot up and his lips quirked in pleasant. He took a larger bite and gave a small nod. Pass.

Matthew sighed with relief. He wasn't sure his love of maple syrup would translate into a good pie. But it seems the gamble paid off. Well, Kiku was making a face, but he made it at all the dishes. From what Alfred said, Kiku didn't care much for sweets.

Ludwig let it run its course before shooing them off stage for their final "challenge."

"I think this sucks!" Mathias was stomping around, definitely not looking lady like. He tossed his blonde wig down and crossed his arms in a huff. "Bad enough I got a run in my hose, but how are we supposed to pull a fashion show off! AND put on a little show? I'll show them my fucking fist. That Ludwig is a right asshole; you know he planned this!"

Tino snickered, "Probably. For some reason he wants to humiliate his brother."

Gilbert leaned in, "Lame Loser Luddy's got nothin' on me. Besides, Liz and the girls actually planned this with that Polish chick-guy-whatever. Still think you're going to win, Tiny Tame Tino?"

Matthew kept his face straight as Tino causally stuck out his foot and tripped the strutting albino.

"Oh dear, you should be more careful in heels. It would be awful if you had to forfeit because you twisted your ankle." Tino said sweetly as he walked off. Mathias grumbled and followed. Berwald gave Gilbert a long stare of Death before following.

Matthew read the rules: "In this fashion show, you need to use your talents to work together. One person will be the designer, one person will implement the design, and the final person will be the model."

Yong Soo leapt up, "I am really good at designs! I love fashion. Real fashion was invented in Korea, not Japan."

Ivan and Matthew shared a look.

"Do we have a choice?"

Ivan regretfully shook his head.

"But Matvey should be the model." Ivan said looking a little bashful and running a big hand over Matthew's face lightly, "Matvey is very beautiful."

"You were good too!" Matthew stumbled over the words and Ivan gave him the 'bullshit' look. He looked at his feet before mumbling, "I think you're beautiful. For a guy anyway. You make an awful woman!"

Ivan nodded in agreement.

"Can you make whatever Yong Soo dreams up? It could be crazy, you know."

Ivan gave a toothy smile, "Sister taught me how to sew. I am quite good."

"What next? Knitting grandma?" Gilbert butted in from his pow pow.

"I am quite good with knitting needles. They are built very well as weapons for orifices," Ivan agreed pleasantly. Matthew was sure he'd be more than happy to stab a needle into Gilbert's ear and rearrange his brains for him. Not that there seemed to be very many in there.

Yong Soo came running back. He glared at Gilbert, "Go away thief."

Gilbert waved his hand and collapsed in a position that no women would ever do in such a short skirt. He noticed Matthew looking and leered.

Matthew stared at the designs. He had expected stick figures and crayons. Instead he was presented with several well drawn designs.

"Wow, Yong Soo, those are really good! You're really talented!" Matthew exclaimed in surprise. Yong Soo hunched his shoulders and looked away in embarrassment. In a small voice he asked, "You really think so?"

Matthew realized that maybe Yong Soo wasn't nearly as confident as he pretended. He sounded so hopeful… so starved for praise.

"Yes, they are very good. Why aren't you an art major?"

Yong Soo scuffled his foot like a little boy, "Yao-hyung says I shouldn't waste my time. But he let's Kiku work on his video games and dirty comics. It's not fair! I thought if I help you Alfred's brother and creepy ex that Yao-hyung would be happy. But – but I want Yao-hyung to say nice things to me too. So I take business classes. They're boring but I will have a good job with Samsung… then I'll be rich and handsome and successful! Yao-hyung will have to smile and say nice things then."

Ivan opened his mouth to say something and Matthew cut him off with a glare. Instead he tentatively gave the Korean a hug.

Ivan's eyebrows furrowed then he looked like he was considering something, "I will speak to Yao-yao if we win."

"You will? Really? Kamsamnida – I mean, thank you!" Yong Soo bounced over to Ivan and grabbed him in a huge hug. The Russia recoiled as much as he could with an energetic leech latched to his middle. Matthew just smiled and snapped a photo with his phone. "You're not bad for a creepy stalker!"

At that point Ivan hugged back and there was an audible crack. Yong Soo let go and clutched his lower back giving Ivan a dirty look. Then he brightened and handed over the designs. They looked at them carefully before Matthew approved one that wasn't too bad. Luckily they had a whole closet full of donated clothing, so Ivan didn't really have to sew anything if he didn't want to. He just had to find the appropriate clothing and possibly alter them.

He actually seemed to warm to the task of dressing Matthew, letting his fingers linger a bit longer than appropriate. Occasionally he leaned forward to inspect something and let his lips brush against the fabric and his breath ghosting through the weave.

"Thank you for being nice," Matthew finally said, partly to distract Ivan. It wouldn't be good to swish on stage as the sweet young women with a boner. Yong Soo was out and "scouting" the other teams' designs. Ivan shrugged it off, "No, I mean it Ivan. You never would've done this before, and I know you're doing it for me."

Ivan's fingers lingered on a button, "Matvey is kind. It is… something I want? Good? Estimable!"

Matthew tried not to giggle. Sometimes Ivan knew the strangest words. And he was becoming so much more open and stable. Not that he was total psychopath before but he had seemed so under socialized. Not to mention his issues with Natalia and Kat… and Gilbert and Ludwig and Felicity and… well, most of humanity from time to time. Matthew wouldn't call himself a social butterfly but at least he didn't go and rip pipes out of the wall or throw people out windows or say awful things for fun. Over the last year he'd changed a lot. Matthew was proud of him. His chest gave a squeeze and he blushed. He felt incredibly mushy but he had to say it.

"Ivan," Matthew gently grabbed his chin so they were face to face, "I am very proud of you. You can be wonderful when you really want to and you try so hard."

Ivan's whole pale face flooded with color and he tried to turn away. Matthew wouldn't let him. Instead he looked into his eyes, trying to convey his sincerity, and then kiss the big nose. He might have originally fallen in lust, and he really wasn't sure there ever was a honeymoon period, but he was sure that he loved the man underneath now. Ivan was good for him and he hoped he was good for Ivan. Besides, Matthew was quite sure that if Alfred sensed Ivan was a bad person their relationship would never have gone anywhere. Despite being an utter moron most of the time, Alfred was usually quite good at seeing through people's intentions and masks. And he was fiercely protective of the people he loved. Plus, he probably would've kicked Ivan in the crotch the first time Ivan laid a finger on him while screaming self-defense! And would have continued kicking and screaming before giving himself the willies and going wailing off on the horizon.

"Alfred's brother! Creepy but nice stalker! I think…" Yong Soo's mouth dropped open. He snapped it shut and twitched impatiently as they finished the kiss. He then adopted an expression eerily similar to Yao's, "Do that later! This is no time for kissy-kissy! We have five minutes."

They finished dressing him quickly. The only thing he worried about was if the BBT chose Francis they would have similar colors. But given the audience's reaction earlier, Francis was probably the designer. A sulky, pissed off designer. Gilbert was going to be walking funny tomorrow more than likely. And everyone knew that Toni was the handiest of the three with everything from knives to tomato plants.

He looked over his outfit. Some of the designs had been a bit overdone but this one wasn't too bad. The little pigtail braids felt funny with ribbons on them and the lace on the sleeves was itchy, but overall it wasn't too indecent or flamboyant. Plus, he was really beginning to see the appeal of skirts and dresses. It made more sense on guys!

The second go around was easier. Matthew even managed a little wave for his adoring crowd.

"I hope they don't want a talent from us!" Tino grinned clearing hoping they were so he could juggle chainsaws or something else shocking. Gilbert would probably challenge them to a belch-off. Matthew giggled a bit. Lady-like on the outside and not anywhere else.

The judges discussed in a small huddle. Ludwig stepped away with a frown. Matthew wasn't good at deciphering his frowns but this one seemed more serious than usual. He walked back to his spot on the stage and the three models scattered back to their groups.

"It seems that the judges are having difficulty choosing a group to win."

Oh shit.

Please don't say another challenge… please don't say another challenge.

"So we are going to poll the audience. Please fill out the paper given and return it to the end of your row."

Matthew sagged in relief.

"I thought they were going to make us dance next." He whispered to Ivan. Yong Soo overheard, "I know some great K-pop routines! It's a lot of fun to dance! Nobody nobody nobody but you~!"

Gilbert, ever nosey, cackled and sung horribly off key, "All the single ladiesss~" While doing an admirable imitation of Beyounce. On cue, Francis and Toni joined him. The three of them finished perfectly, distracting the audience and earning several loud wolf whistles from the crowd.

Matthew was horrified, "Those bastards had it planned out."

Gilbert sashayed over and gave him a pat on the cheek, "We play to win, babydoll. Besides, I have a bet with Luddy that I damn well better win!"

Gilbert smirked. Francis blew kisses. Matthew sat and glared. Ivan sat and stewed. Yong Soo was lip-syncing some Korean pop band and every so often would say random lyrics in English. Soon he had Toni and Mathias repeating after him.

"Baby, you are my beautiful~ hangover. Hangover! We gunna get down down down. Give me love love love~!"

Ludwig cleared his throat and glared at them.

"And now the winners…" Ludwig grandstanded, his face giving away nothing (although he did pause to give a death glare at Yong Soo's humming), "As runner up, Team Ice."

The audience clapped. Berwald's expression changed just a tick, probably in relief. Tino and Mathias smiled and accepted the praise. They didn't seem particularly perturbed by losing.

"Their efforts will give donations to Big Brother, Big Sister." Ludwig said and the audience cheered harder.

Wait… everyone got donations?

"In second place…"

Gilbert snickered and Ludwig shot him a death glare.

"MYSI3!"

The audience exploded into whoops and whistles as well as some not-helpful commentary about taking Matthew out on a date. He turned bright red, suddenly wishing he were invisible again. He didn't see how Alfred ate this stuff up like the finest maple syrup on earth! Ivan was grumbling from beside him and Matthew pre-emptively snatched his hand up. He gave a slight squeeze and was tickled to get one back. God, he was turning into such a sap. Francis and Gilbert would weep at his gooeyness.

They took their bows and accepted the donation for the local animal shelter.

Ludwig's eyebrow was twitching by now and Gilbert was just barely containing himself. Great, his over-inflated ego was going to kill them in a massive explosion when it popped out of his tiny head.

"Winner is the Bad Touch Trio!"

Gilbert pranced on stage and promptly dropped his balls. Literally. Ludwig turned bright red with rage. Roderich had his eyes clenched shut and was pinching the bridge of his nose. Arthur looked torn between utterly scandalized and somewhat fascinated. Kiku and Liz were taking pictures while someone called out from the audience. Lovino's eyes were bugging out of his head and Feliciano was talking to him. Matthew caught a 've, see, I told you Lovi!'

Someone from the crowd shouted: "You can give me some bad touches anytime!"

Gilbert flashed a grin, "Already have! But if you w- gurrrh!"

Gilbert may have been the older brother but Ludwig was bigger, stronger, and pretty pissed. He was wrestled back stage while Sophie wrangled the microphone and thanked everyone for coming and the contestants for participating. She urged everyone to consider donations in the future.

"Al's going to die from jealousy." Matthew realized out loud. And that was the best revenge of all! He was going to be beyond envy when he saw the video Kiku made. And by now he was probably blowing up Arthur's phone, while Arthur was ignoring in favor of sucking face with his on-again-off-again slightly genderbent boyfriend.

Toni came up. Somehow he had cornered Lovino in the crowd and had dragged him and Feliciano backstage, "Mis amigos, I say we go out and celebrate. We did a good deed today. Well, except Gilbert…" Toni shrugged to say 'what can you do? It's Gilbert.'

"That sounds great!" Tino replied and Berwald agreed with a nod.

Matthew gave Ivan a friendly bump with his body. The larger man was thinking and frowning. He jumped a little and put a big hand on Matthew's head. It slid slowly down his neck, tickling curly hair, before inching down his spine and resting on his lower back. It's not something Matthew would normally allow in public but everyone here already knew and he was in a good mood.

"Oh my god!" Yong Soo shouted, "You're boyfriends?"

Well, okay, everyone but one knew.

At the sharp look Ivan gave, Yong Soo shrank back. Then he looked hangdog, "We tried our hardest but we didn't win. Now you're not going to speak to Yao-hyung."

Ivan stared down, considering, "Nyet, I will."

"Thank you creepy but nice stalker Ivan!" Yong Soo did a flying tackle and latched on. Matthew was beginning to see why Yao always complained about his back. He ended up swept in the hug too. "Kamsamnida!"

With that he let go and dashed away to catch up with the group, glomping Kiku from behind in a surprise attack. Matthew hoped the pizza place was ready for them. Francis and Arthur were now arguing while Toni poked Lovino's cheek and Feliciano was trying to calm Ludwig down. Ludwig had somehow let go of Gilbert and the punk was MIA. Sophie was just laughing. Kiku, Mei, and Liz had joined them too along with Roderich and a very uncomfortable looking Toris. It was going to be a rowdy dinner.

"C'mon, let's change," Matthew said, "The lace is itchy and I think the make-up is eating a hole in my face."

"Alfred will have pictures… for… for…" Ivan groped for the word. Matthew smirked suddenly, "Blackmail? Only of you. I have counter pictures of him in some pretty compromising positions."

Ivan frowned again, "Matvey…save me! I do not want Alfred to have my picture! I am very ugly!"

Matthew stifled a chuckle and tried to make his voice stern, "And what do I get out of it? It better be something worth it. Something only you can give me."

Of course, the innuendo went sailing over Ivan's head, as it often did.

"Not my scarf!" Ivan retorted quickly.

"Not… not quite what I meant Ivan," Matthew replied. He realized he was going to have to be direct, "Alfred is gone for another day. I think we can reach an agreement. But why don't you kiss me as a down payment?"

And he did. And a big more. But not too much more because dammit all if the pantyhose weren't a major cockblock all their own.

Omake [After the Party]:

"Arthur!"

"Ah, Matthew, thank you for coming. I regret the circumstances."

"Arthur… why are you in jail."

"Ahem, erm…"

"The police thought he was a John." Francis answered from the next cell over. He sighed mournfully and flipped his still-styled hair, "And we were having such a wonderful time…"

"You wanker! It was a public alley and they thought you were a prostitute! This is so humiliating!"

"Non, my clothing was far too nice for a cheap hooker!" Francis retorted.

Matthew turned away to go fill out the paperwork. Ivan had warned Francis after all. He also sent Alfred a sly text. Arthur was never going to hear the end of this, and it served him right for dragging Matthew out of bed and Ivan's arms at such an ungodly hour.

*John = man who pays for sex

A/N: An almost completely Al-free chapter! Written to celebrate my [triumphant] return to Korea for another year. It got a little out of control! But I decided not to do surgery on it.

Here's some inspiration for the chapter:

. net/ 600/ 07/ 00/ 387507 .jpg

youtube. com / watch?v= 4m1EFMoRFvY

Or look up Big Bang or KARA for some K-pop. Catchy stuff. Look up "Indian Boy" by MC Mong (with Eng. Subs). It's hilarious.