AN: A big thanks to LunaticV for beta-reading this story.

The Buginator

-A One Piece fan fiction

Crystalbluefox

It was one of the rare nights where the only sounds to be heard was the sound of the rolling waves against the hull, lolling the ships crew into a deeper sleep, and then the light snoring from the others in the men's quarters. A rare occasion to finally have a peaceful night of sleep; no disturbing enemies, no Luffy sleep-chewing on something or someone thinking they are some kind of food, and no Usopp talking in his sleep.

Of course, he should've known it was too good to be true.

"Move your fucking ass, Shit-head!" he can figure out better ways to get woken. "Oi! You hear me? Wake up already, marimo!" and then that constant bashing on his head, he could really live without that one too.

"Shut the fuck up, cook, and go back to bed already." He grumbled and turned in his hammock, hoping for the nagging idiot to go away already so he could get his peaceful sleep, but yeah, no, of course not. The next thing he knew of, he's kicked out of the hammock, kissing the hard floor. "The hell?" he hissed, aware of not to wake up the others.

"I told you already; get the fuck up!" the cook hissed in return, kicking him lightly again, just for good measure. Zoro grumbled. He might as well get it over with.

"What?" he practically spits.

Sanji looked nervously around.

"It's here!" comes an almost inaudible hiss.

Zoro lifted a brow. "Again? I thought that I'd gotten rid of that thing!"

"Well, apparently you didn't, you shit for brains!"

Sitting on the floor, Zoro stared up at the paling cook, who kept looking nervously around. Honestly, this was pathetic.

"Why don't you do it yourself?"

Sanji looked at him as if he was a complete idiot, even though the pathetic idiot were the cook himself.

"You mad?"

"Honestly, it's just a bug!"

"An oversized, not normal bug!" the cook scolded with a low hiss. Zoro made a sign to go back up in his hammock to get back to that wonderful sleep, but with the cook looming so dangerously threatening over it, he might as well just stay where he was and sleep on the floor instead.

"Grow up, catch it yourself." He yawned, making himself comfortable on the floor. He didn't need this. Not now. Not in the middle of the shitty night, when everyone else could be fast asleep. The heck did the cook awake at this hour? Going out from his appearance, still in the same shirt as yesterday, he hadn't even been to bed yet.

He got another kick to the head.

"GET THAT FUCKING BUG, AND THAT'S NOW, YOU DAMN FUCKING SHIT-HEAD!"

"You crazy? You trying to kill me or something? That freaking hurt, you idiot-brow! Get it yourself! It's just a bug! It's no bigger than a berry!" he hisses back, holding his pounding head where a bump already was growing.

Why was he even having this discussion?

Some weeks ago, Usopp had been blurting out about their trip to Sky Island to Franky and Brook, where he'd mentioned about some bugs he'd been fighting against, before they went up in the skies. Zoro hadn't paid much attention, not before something about bugs raining down and Sanji and Nami screaming like girls when it happened, came to mention, ignoring about the part where the mighty bla-bla-bla, had saved them both from the pure 'horror'. Okay, just a story, and he'd expected the cook to kick his head for saying such things. And he did so, but not before after Zoro had caught a glimpse of pure horror in the blonds' visible eye, as a light shiver crept over him as he remembered something, and then that tint of embarrassment.

And then the kicks became a beating, with his fists! Pulling the teen aside from everyone's sight, he beat the hell crap out of their sharpshooter, killing Zoro's suspicion of it from just being a concoction, as curiosity got him to follow after them.

"Repeat after me; I. Will. Never. Tell. Anybody. That Sanji. Is scared of… bugs!" the cook had said through clenched teeth, while holding an almost unconscious sharpshooter in his white flowered shirt, hands trembling in pure anger.

"Vhai whe bevar bell awhybobi dhad Dhandji dis dhared bof boghs!" Usopp repeated the best he could with those swollen cheeks and broken nose.

Zoro had smirked over his victory, a golden opportunity to tease the cook with.

Or so he'd thought, until he was stupid enough to laugh at the stupid cook's fuming stupid face. From horror at being caught, his look had turned into thundering anger. If Zoro thought he'd been kicked before, it was nothing compared to what he'd got.

"Since you find it so amusingly, Mr. Oh-I'm-so-big-and-strong-that-I-even-laughs-at-death-himself, then you can now become this ship's 'Buginator'," the cook had stated, a freaky smile spreading on his face, as he stood on top of his chest.

"Heh! I should've known better that a woman as you, are scared of tipsy tiny insects."

Since then he'd been doomed with the trivial task of getting rid of any insects in the cook's periscope. And apparently the man had eyes freaking everywhere on the ship. Already after kicking his ass, with an almost broken back, several blue marks and broken ribs, Zoro were sent off to catch a little silly cockroach, there had sneaked on board in one of the bags with apples. Zoro even decided that he hated those little fast devils. Sanji had been watching him from his pots and pans, amused by the sight; the strong swordsman haunting a little fast insect. We wanted so much to throw the insect at the inside of the man's shirt and crush it against his bony back.

Though, the moment the creature choose to change direction, towards the cook and up underneath his pant leg, Zoro couldn't be more satisfied. Karma could be a bitch. Sanji did indeed, as Usopp had joked about, scream like a freaking girl, before he ran off likea hysterical woman. Now Zoro had not only to catch that bloody insect crawling somewhere up along the cook's leg, but also needed to catch the insane blond and knock him out.

The man had went out as a light.

He knew the cook would've killed him, if he'd caught Zoro pulling his pants off to catch the bloody insect. Insect gone, Zoro had left the kitchen with an unconscious half-naked cook lying on the floor and was soon accused of violating the bloody idiot! By who? No other than that freaking sea-witch, who found the unconscious half-naked blond on the floor, coming in after the screaming had ended to see what've happened. The woman even demanded to get payed to turn a blind eye just this once. So, not only had he been 'honoured' the job as a freaking bug-hunter, buginator, or what the hell it was the shitty cook called it, no, now, in Nami's eyes, no matter what he said, he was also a freaking rapist!

All that shit brought him to sit on the floor, in the middle of the night, glaring up at the prissy cook, who wouldn't let him sleep, before the blasted insect was taken care of. Honestly, sometimes he suspected the idiot for being some kind of a human magnet for insects; those bastards seemed to crawl everywhere all of a sudden.

"Marimo-head! Don't fall asleep again, you damn bastard!" the blond cook hissed even louder through gritted teeth, eyeing the sleeping crew nervously to ensure they werestill sleeping.

"Cook, seriously, how would I even be able to see it when it's this dark? No! Wait till the morning, then I'll catch your little creep, prissy blond."

A tick formed at the cook's temple. "I am not going to sleep with that thing lurking somewhere out there!You sleep all the fucking time, you dormouse! You can sacrifice this night!" the cook ordered, stomping the floor, like the spoiled brat he is.

Sighing, he might as well get it over with, if he wished to catch just a few hours of sleep before the others would start to wake. Half grumbling about 'crazy cook's who can't catch a little bug,' he grabbed his boot, dragged his ass out of the men's quarters and out onto the deck on bare feet, closely followed by the cook, who'd suddenly changed from hysterical woman to scared five-year-old-kid. The blond walked so close behind him, he almost bumped into his back as Zoro stopped to look at him. Quirking a brow at the hunched form of the blond, there with pale long fingers held an old oil lamp - honestly, he more reminded him of that zombie-look-alike old geezer back at Thriller Bark.

"So? Where is it?"

Sanji's nervous visible blue eye looked searchingly around, as if he most likely expected a ghost to suddenly jump out to scare them. He then pointed a shaking finger up at the ship's front. Nothing needed to be said. Zoro grabbed his boot tighter, taking the offered oil lamp, and then stomped up to the helm. What the hell the cook did up there, at this time at the night, he didn't even want to question. Looking around, he hoped the little shit would just sit there, waiting for him to crush it, again, and throw it overboard, again.

He saw a movement out of the corner of his eye and stood still, barely breathed as he waited. Something moved up the steps to the figurehead. He slowly moved the oil lamp in that direction, deleting the shadows and showing him what they had been hiding. There! He had to give the cook credits for that he had been right; the spider had grown a lot since last time, and now its body the size of his clenched fist. With one swift move he swung his boot and hammered it hard down onto the spider. Not splatting out – he'll just get yelled at that as well and had to clean it himself - he hurried to grab it and threw it, as far as he could, over the railing, into the unknown black sea. Luckily no disgusting slimy blood on his sole, but not really caring, he shrugged and went back down to the cook, who waited for tonight's judgement.

"It's gone now for sure, cook, threw it over the railing," he told the blond, who looked like a scared kid, who didn't dare to move out of his spot.

"You, you sure it's forever gone?"

Oh, how he would have liked to tease this scaredy-cat, but were too sluggish to pick up a fight for now.

"I don't think that spiders can swim, I gave it a good knock-out all the same." He ensured him. Nodding, Sanji let out a breath and stretched to his full high, as had a heavy bag been taken off his shoulders. He lit up a smoke, the flame from the lighter lit up the blonds' face for a moment, but Zoro had enough time to see how pale he really looked, since he didn't really wanted to show himself in the light of the oil lamp, and watched as a drop of sweat ran down his face. Mocking him would perhaps be wrong; the cook seemed to have a phobia to these stupid small bastards.

"Thanks," the blond said around his cigarette and blew out a cloud of smoke, his normally calm hand still shaking. Give the man a monster, a giant, whatever, he could handle those without breaking out any drops of sweat and with a smile on his face… give the man a small insect, and he would almost faint in fear.

With a nod he gave the man a clap on his shoulder as he went past him, and headed back down to his long awaiting hammock, which probably had gone all cold by now.

The next day he was once again thanked by being served his favourite dish and a large bottle of good warmed sake, along a small 'thank you'-smile when no one else where watching.

He had to admit that being the 'buginator' wasn't that bad again, when he was served such a dish every time he caught one of those prissy bastards.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"Look - look what I found, Zoro!" Luffy said happily, as the swordsman had come over to see what all of the commotion had been about. Half of the crew had gathered around something Luffy and Chopper had found, something he couldn't see before from the spot where he'd been sleeping.

He paled numerous shades of white, as he saw what they were sitting with.

Oh no…

Oh hell no!

"What the hell are you idiots now mumbling about?" the cook growled, as he came stomping down the stairs, headed directly towards them. Zoro almost went all transparent as he saw the blond coming down to them, and waited for the doom to come.

Sanji's annoyed features changed as he realised Zoro's hesitation, but it was already too late, as he came close and saw what their captain held in his hands, petting it as were it nothing but a puppy, while Chopper exanimated it. The cigarette dropped from his gaping mouth. His breathing halted.

"Isn't she cool? She's going to be our new nakama!" declared their loony captain with a large smile on his face, as he showed off the over-sized tarantula, which was even larger than a dog by now, chuckling happily. The tarantula glared angrily at both him and the blond, especially the blond, and Zoro swore he just heard it wheeze at him. the cook looked as if he were about to die.

"She says that someone had been haunting her all the time, beating her up and then threw her overboard," Chopper told, while he gave her an eye-patch on. "She has been drifting around for almost two weeks now and is really hungry." The small doctor now looked up at the blond, giving the full vision of the over-sized tarantula, there were almost thrust up in his face, and Zoro waited for the scream to come. "You think that you can make something for Theodora to eat, Sanji?"

From the Thousand Sunny was heard a scream that sounded worse than five seakings death-screams, he though his ears would bleed, before the cook fell to the ground, out cold.

Theodora wheezed once again, this time at Zoro, which their captain thought it was because it liked him, but only Zoro, Sanji, who now laid unconscious on the ground, and now Chopper, who glared up at him as well from the cook's side, knew better of it.

This wasn't a normal tarantula… it was a demon… a monster!

Neither he nor Sanji would ever be able to close an eye at nights everagain!

He had never understood the cook's fear… now he understood!

Karma are surely a bitch.

~ The End? ~