If Bloom Peters Was Remarkably Self-Aware
Summary: An ongoing series of deliciously snarky, humorous parodies of the Winx Club, written (mostly) from the point of view of Bloom if she was (you guessed it) remarkably self-aware.
Disclaimer: I do not own Winx Club.
Thank You: LadyNightSky for betareading for me!
Author's Note: Notes on this story can be found on my homepage, StillsAndPhotographs(dot)webs(dot)com.
Meet the Cast
Hey there. My name is Bloom Peters, and if you're reading this, you've probably seen the show I star in, Winx Club. Funny story about the name of the show, while we're on the topic: it was originally supposed to be named "Magical Bloom," after me, the main character. The production team instead named the show "Winx Club," implying an ensemble cast while I remained the main. This is frustrating for my friends, who thought they would be treated as equals in this whole "story of my life" thing, when in actuality, they take a backseat to me and my awesomeness.
No, scratch that. They don't even take a back seat. They take the side car held on with duct tape and chicken wire.
So who are my friends, the "Winx Club" as they are known, exactly?
First, there's Stella. She's the pretty, blond fashionista of the group. She's as dumb as a sack of rocks and would probably insult a villain's outfit before she'd fight him, but she's the reason the cheerleaders watch the show, so we have to keep her around…I mean, she is my best and oldest friend on the show, the one who introduced me to magic and opened me up to My Destiny. I get to fight all of the world's evil and constantly put myself and my friends in mortal danger, all because of her. Thanks, Stell. Thanks a lot.
Then there's Tecna, completing the White Chick Trifecta of the group. She talks like someone replaced her face with a computer and has no sense of fashion, and even though no living person in the history of forever (not Einstein, not Newton, not Tesla, not even Bill Gates) has ever found it more natural or comfortable to talk like an android, she does it anyway! She is every nerd-tastic stereotype ever, all wrapped up in one convenient package. She's the reason all the nerds watch, and that's why we keep her.
Flora was our first ethnic minority, being our only…wait, what is she, exactly? Hey, Flo, what are you?
Flora stepped into the room at Bloom's call, as always. "Well, goody gumdrops," she said cheerily. "I'm so glad you asked. You see, my mother was descended from a fairy village who were indigenous to Mexico and my father traces his ancestry to Ancient Mesopotamia—"
Blah, blah, blah, enough of that. Flora's an Inuit, or she's supposed to be, anyway. She'll be white in the next movie if M. Knight Shyamalan has anything to do with it. She's the hippie granola of the group. She's sweet and nice and sincere and compassionate and shy and all of that…she makes me throw up in the back of my mouth a little bit sometimes when I talk to her.
Layla came along in season two, and like the Charmix form that came with her, was promptly forgotten. She's black, because we needed a black chick to round out our demographic appeal and maximize profits on the merchandise. (She's the Princess Tiana of the Winx Club.) She's strong and independent and thinks for herself, and is damn proud of it! That's why she's going along with her arranged marriage. Because that's what strong, independent women do – cave to arranged marriages. Right? Girl power!
Before Layla, we had Musa, who was our twofer minority – she looks Korean, but she talks like she just stepped out of a hip-hop music video. Musa may or may not be a princess – no one really knows, because the guys in charge of dubbing in English just didn't give a shit about things like plot continuity. Musa also lost her mother, because she's the arty one, and she needs to be all angsty, and stuff.
So, we've got it all pretty much covered – geeks, preps, musicians, nature-lovers, dancers, blonds, brunettes, red-heads, "nonconformists," blacks, whites, Asians, Inuits, every color outfit under the sun, and your totally typical Earth girl (that's me!) We have, literally, something for everyone.
Well, come on now, you're certainly not watching the show for the plot.
End Note: This will be an ongoing series. I have enough material of my own for about four chapters - I'd love suggestions and feedback! Thanks so much, in advance.