A/N: Sorry it took so long to update, the great computer backup failure of 2010 really gets in your way sometimes.

"Everyone gather 'round on this beautiful, glorious day!" Aro exclaimed, holding out his arms. It was curious that he could call a wet, cold, and sleet-filled day beautiful but could hardly stand to call his wife pretty.

"What is it Aro?" Caius asked, coming back from re-enforcing the locks and doors in the wives tower. He was shocked to find that he was last into the room, and reminded himself to get eternal vengeance later. He could because he was a vampire.

"We have a new vampire for the guard! Isn't that just great? This person might even surpass Jane with their wonderful gift." Aro smiled his creepy, happy smile. Jane started grinding her teeth and a lot of people started screaming, one after the other.

"And what might this oh so wonderful gift be, master?" Jane asked through closed teeth.

Aro smiled even wider, if that was possible. "They have the power of therapy!"

"Um, you mean they can control emotions?" Demetri asked.

"Nope. They were a wonderful therapist when they were human, and I decided to turn them into a vampire! Isn't this great?" Many people started questioning Aro's sanity. "And now I present to you, the therapist lady whom I don't know the name to!" The most boring-looking person ever stepped into the room, with a notepad. Everyone assumed it was the notepad of death of course. After many scares and impossible fainting though, everything turned out all right.

Aro insisted they all go to have a therapy session with her, so an hour later everyone was lined up outside of her office, waiting. No one understood why Afton looked so nervous though. He was jittery and shifting his eyes a lot and making everyone's sight blurry, because that was his gift. Suddenly, Marcus came out crying.

"It's all so true! Oh why? Oh whyyyy? It's my entire fault! I'm a bad person!" He tearlessly sobbed, before smiling and skipping happily off. Someone called next, and Demetri went in.

"Um, Chelsea? I have to tell you something. Something important." Afton whispered into his mate's ear.

"What is it?" She whispered back excitedly, she was the biggest gossip in Volterra and couldn't wait to spread the news around.

"This is my first therapy session! I haven't ever needed to visit a therapist before!"

"Hold my place in line! I'm going to go tell everyone now!" Chelsea sprinted off before Afton caught her arm.

"You have to promise not to tell anyone in any way now! Please? This is supposed to be a secret!" Afton's pleas were in vain though, for Chelsea was already texting.

Chelsea: Hay H, ul nvr blive wat A just told me!

Hiedi: Wht is it?

Chelsea: Aprntly, hes nvr had a thrpy ssn bfr!

Hiedi: No way! Can I sprd teh nws?

Chelsea: Gt to it! Im alrdy txting as fst as I cn!

Therefore, in this display of bad spelling and terrible grammar, everyone knew that Afton had impossibly never had a therapy session before when it was his turn.

"Yo' Afton! Heard you hadn't had a therapy session before, you nervous?" Felix bounded up.

"I'm just going to go in and get it over with." Afton lied smoothly, already planning where exactly he would throw the potted plant through the wall and cry about how his pet alien never hugged him.

"Don't worry 'bout it, you've just got to answer the questions, do what the therapist tells you to, and take off your pants.."

"Really? Thanks Felix."

"No problem." Felix walked off howling in laughter, though Afton could not imagine why. The next person to walk up was Jane.

"Afton, you haven't been to therapy before. Everyone knows about it. Just answer questions, do what the therapist tells you to, and wear a bikini." Jane laughed.

"Thanks Jane!" Afton smiled brightly, and Jane tortured him before laughing all the way down the hall.

And so it continued, good advice kept on coming for Afton. All his peers, and even people who didn't like him, were giving him clues on how to have a successful therapy session. Little did he know, bad people were working against him.

The goldfish never saw it coming.

THE END (or not)

A/N: Just so you know, I have no idea what "Text talk" is or how to type it. I am the definition of loser.