Breaking the Habit

Collaboration with Fic Fairy. It's going to be a long and epic ride. Takes place after Olivia's mother dies, how will she cope (or will she?), how will she deal with a serial killer case that hits close to home, and what role will Elliot play?

A/N: Minor change, Olivia's mom died around season 7-8 for reasons that will be evident later. Elliot's kids ages: Maureen: 21, Kathleen: 18, Lizzie/Dickie: 15

"Serena Benson will be greatly missed in the Siena College Community. She has served on the admissions board, honor's society, and earned a prestigious tenure as the head of the English Lit department several years ago. She was always available to assist her students, implemented fundamental changes into the curriculum, and was always generous with her time and was truly a beautiful person."

She was wearing a simple, conservative black dress, that she was sure she would never wear again, standing in front of her mother's casket staring down at the woman she both loved and hated her entire life. She felt a presence next to her and turned to see a short stodgy man with white hair and glasses in a tweed suit, definitely a professor.

"Hello," the man greeted her with the usual awkwardness that came with wake conversations.

"Hi," Olivia responded, not in the mood for any more small talk.

"I'm Professor Barnett," the man continued, extending his hand.

She politely shook his hand, "Olivia Benson."

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry for your loss…how were you related?"

"Um, she was my mother." Olivia replied awkwardly.

The professor was visibly stunned, "Oh dear, I wasn't aware she had any children."

That was like a knife to the heart although she wasn't as surprised by his statement as she thought she'd be. Why should she be? Of course her mother wouldn't have talked about her at work, wouldn't have mentioned the fact that there was living breathing person walking around with half of her genetic material. But even though she wasn't completely surprised she felt tears brimming in her eyes. As she unsuccessfully tried to come up with a response to the professor standing in front her she felt a comforting hand on her shoulders. She turned around and was never more grateful to see Elliot standing behind her.

"Hey, how're you doing?" he asked, his voice laced with concern.

She quickly wiped away the tears that were threatening to fall, "Better now."

Elliot looked around, surveying the room, "Who are all these people?"

Olivia glanced around the room herself, "I'm not really sure. Mostly fellow professors I think."

"You made it easy for them to get to having it at the college." Elliot replied.

"She wanted it here. She planned everything out, didn't want to be a 'burden' to me." Olivia responded caustically, wondering, as she had done several times over the last few days, how her mother, a woman who had been a burden to Olivia her entire life in one way or another, had dared to make such a comment after she was gone. When she knew Olivia would never be able to contest it.

Elliot didn't know how to respond so he just put his arm around her shoulders and turned her away from the casket. She noticed Elliot's family near the back of the chapel and the kids came towards her. Maureen was the first to envelope her in a hug, "Olivia, I'm so sorry." Kathleen was next followed by the twins. Olivia was touched that they would all come to her mother's wake, "Thanks for coming you guys." She said, looking to Kathy as well.

Munch, Fin and Cragen appeared from the doorway and joined the group. They huddled around Olivia in a bubble of support talking about nothing of significance, only trying to be there for her.

"Did you know that wakes held today come from ancient customs of keeping watch over the deceased hoping that life would return?" Munch offered during a particularly long silence. The group enjoyed a much-needed light chuckle at his incessant need to share knowledge.

Olivia was torn away from the group to accept more condolences from people she didn't even know. Elliot watched her closely, wondering how she would deal with all this, figuring that she would clam up after the emotional day of the funeral was over and pretend that everything was business as usual.

Lizzie clung onto her mother's arm, "Do I have to go up to the dead body?" she asked nervously.

Kathy put her arm around her daughter's shoulder, "No sweetie, it's okay, you don't have to."

Olivia was now alone next to the casket once again watching Kathy lovingly rubbing her daughter's back and toying with her hair. This scene brought more tears to her eyes than her mother lying dead in the casket next to her. Never once could she remember her mother soberly stroking her back in a loving manner or reassuring her in the least. When she was drunk? Yeah, then she could pull it off. But never sober. She'd not been worth that, not to her mother. Not like Lizzie was to Kathy.

So fixed was she on the mother daughter relationship playing out in front her that she didn't notice Elliot come up next to her.

"Do you want me to stay and drive you home?" he offered.

"No, it's okay. I think I'm gonna clean out my mom's office while I'm here. Get everything done with."

"I can help you with that," he responded earnestly. Typical Elliot, wanting to think he could take all the pain away, wanting to think he had all the answers. She was grateful to him, for him, for the fact he was in her life, but she knew it wasn't true. He couldn't really help her, any more than anyone else could.

"I'll be alright. I'd rather be by myself for awhile." She responded quietly.

That was what he was afraid of, "Alright but you know you can call me if you need anything."

"I know Elliot. Thank you," she said as she squeezed his hand. "Your family's waiting for you."

He gave her one last hug before joining his family and leaving the chapel.

*** L&OSVU *** L&OSVU *** L&OSVU *** L&OSVU **

Olivia snuck out of the wake before everyone had left in search of her mother's

office. She turned the key over and over in her hand before finally inserting it into the lock and opening the door. She entered her mother's lair and a chill went up her spine. The room was lined with bookshelves and framed pieces of art and her desk was littered with student papers and lesson plans. Looking around the room there was one thing that was glaringly absent from her mother's personal space: a single picture of her daughter. There were pictures on her desk of her with friends, co-workers, and even a few students but not one of Olivia. Not a single solitary reminder of the fact that she had a daughter, clearly she didn't want to be reminded of her existence. Olivia sank into her mother's chair fully feeling her mother's neglect and resentful feelings towards her.

She opened the bottom drawer of the desk and was nonplussed to find a giant, half empty bottle of scotch inside. Here was the mother she knew, the alcoholic. Not the person that everyone in the chapel was talking about like a damn saint. She placed the bottle on the desk in front of her and pulled out the glass that was in the drawer next to it. She stared into the golden liquid in the bottle and wondered what it was about it that stole her mother away from her. Why it was so seductive, appealing, addictive? Did it really take away her mother's pain or was that just her excuse to get bombed off her ass? It was a question she'd asked herself so many times. As a kid, watching wide eyed as her mother knocked back measure after measure; as she'd found her slumped on the couch in a heap, an empty bottle at her side; and as she'd sat outside the bathroom in the morning, listening to her mother vomiting into the toilet bowl.

And now, she was asking it all over again…

But not about her mother. Not this time. Now she was asking that question for her own benefit. Because, in her current state, Olivia felt drawn to the liquid sitting in front of her. Wanted to slosh out a glassful, the way she'd seen her mother do so many times, and throw it down her throat. Down it in one. Use it to make all the pain go away, just like her mother used to.

Maybe feeling numb wouldn't be so bad right about now.

After all, how could she feel any worse?

*** L&OSVU *** L&OSVU *** L&OSVU *** L&OSVU **