Sand Castles

Riku doesn't cry often. Crying means showing weakness, it's like calling for help and Riku doesn't like that, he doesn't like feeling weak, he doesn't need people helping him. He can solve his problems alone just fine.
He doesn't cry when his and Sora's sand castle gets destroyed by a bunch of bigger boys, who are just jealous, because it's prettier than their own messy pile of sand they are stupid enough to call a castle.
Sora sits down in the sand and cries, loudly, tears running down his face, until his mommy comes running and scolds the bad kids, helping both him and Riku up and clearing the sand off their clothes. Riku doesn't cry though, even though he's the one who made the castle look so pretty, working hard on it, his eyebrows furrowed in focus, while Sora just wanted to make it bigger and bigger, putting more and more wet sand on it. Riku is the one who made it look like a castle - not yet another pile of wet sand. But he doesn't cry - he just sulks silently. And he keeps on sulking even when Sora forgets the whole thing, busy with the ice cream his mommy bought to make him smile again. Ice cream can make Sora smile but it doesn't work on Riku at all, and he keeps on pouting, looking all gloomy, until Sora grins at thim and tells him they will make another one - a better one - soon.
He smiles then, softly, his emerald eyes shining; ice ream can't make Riku smile but Sora - he can.

Riku doesn't cry on the first day of school. It's supposed to be okay - that was what his parents kept on repeating when they walked him to the big, dark building with green windows and a wooden gate that looked like it wanted to swallow all the kids alive. Riku wasn't really worried but he didn't stop his parents from reassuring him it was going to be alright because he knew they needed to tell him that to make themselves feel better.
They were lying though. It's not okay. The teacher are boring and smile stupidly at the kids, pretending to like them when they can't even remember their names. The kids are either stupid or boring - mostly stupid. He doesn't want to talk to them, he doesn't want to be their friend.
So he stays away. They don't like it. Kids hate to be ignored, he knows that. And probably that is why they walk up to him on a lunch break and tease him for being so stuck up and so pretty, like a freaking girl.
Riku doesn't cry. He knows they said that just to make him angry and upset. He doesn't really look like a girl, does he?
He doesn't cry - instead he starts practising kendo, with his parents' warm approval. It takes some time, but the kids begin to accept him the way he is when they finally notice that he's a lot stronger than them all and could easily kick their asses. That, and he always has his homework done well and doesn't care much if someone copies it - in his opinion, it's too easy and stupid and no one could learn anything by doing it anyway.
Before they accepted him though, he did sometimes end up with some bruises. But it was okay, because when Sora saw them, he worried, and scowled.

"When I'll go to the stupid school" he said, crying softly. "I'm gonna kick everyone's asses too! And Riku will be my only best friend!"

Riku smiled and embraced him and he simply felt happy, because Sora cried for him and that made him feel strong.

Sora doesn't keep his promise. It's not that important, anyway, and Riku knows Sora is just too bright, and everyone is drawn to him. He hates doing homework, he falls asleep on classes, he loves video games and he's great at sports - and this is more than enough for the kids to immediately feel that he's one of them. He's also funny, smart in his own goofy way, and he has a lot of leadership qualities; and this is enough for the kids to follow him without question. And he likes them all, he has a bright smile for everyone, and suddenly the whole school is in love with Sora. Even the teachers - he might not always be prepared, but he's smart enough to get out of the trouble, and besides, thanks to him, the school's basketball team keeps on winning every single game - and isn't that just amazing?
Riku is still Sora's best friend, but Sora has others - there's this boy with eyes just as blue as Sora's, except not as warm; his name is Roxas, and Sora seems to just love him - he says no one could ever understand him better than Roxas; except for, of course, Riku. There's that dark-haired girl that follows Roxas everywhere, and a blonde girl who seems to have a crush on him - they're Roxas's friends and they, of course, are Sora's friends as well.
And then, there's Kairi. Kairi, who has pretty lips and silky, soft brown hair and a special smile just for Sora - one that makes her eyes all shiny, her lips all pouty, one that says I like you, please like me too?
And maybe now Sora won't, maybe he's still too young - but Kairi will be there in the middle school, and in high school - because there's no way anyone would leave the town before studies, they're all so close, they're all best friends. And it's just a matter of time for Sora to notice the smile, the pretty lips and silky brown hair, and-

"Riku?" Sora pokes him, making him look up from the book, which he isn't able to read, anyway. "Wanna go play with us after school?"

Riku looks into his bright blue eyes and almost wants to say yes - but then he notices Roxas and Kairi, both staring at him curiously, and he frowns, shaking his head.

"I have- a lot of homework." he replies, giving a small, apologetic smile. "But you have fun, guys."

"Ohhh..." Sora frowns and Riku wants to ask him to leave that basketball ball, leave his friends and come over, so they could play together like they did before school, but he keeps quiet, just hoping against hope. "Well, okay then... you don't like basketball all that much anyway, right?" his smile is bright, but not as bright as it used to be before. "See you tomorrow, then!"

And they leave, but Riku doesn't cry - after all, he has a lot of homework to do.

Riku is almost terrified when he realizes his feelings for Sora might not be normal - not what his parents would call normal, not what Sora's friends would call normal, not what the Sora himself would call normal just- not normal at all. He doesn't cry even though he feels confused, and lost, and angry - angry enough for his kendo trainer to order him to calm down before he breaks anyone's arm or leg, angry enough for his mother to finally notice he has feelings and ask if he's okay and will it not affect Riku's final tests? And even, angry enough to snap at Sora for no reason - or maybe, too many reasons, but none of them Sora's fault, not really. It's all Riku's fault, all of it, he's just too wrong and Sora's too fucking right for him.
So he snaps at him, and only when he sees the shock and anger in those blue eyes, he finally feels calm, and, and just- empty.

But he doesn't cry, he knows he can't.

"So my friends are fucking idiots, and I'm an attention whore and a suck-up." Sora repeats calmly, and Riku flinches, his own words sounding too stupid for him to be able to listen to them unaffected. "And you just want me to leave you alone." he pauses, suddenly looking all sad. "Well, you could have told me that before. I wouldn't waste half of my fucking life trying to drag you out of that fucking shell of yours." his voice gets louder and angrier with each single word. "If my friends are too fucking stupid for you to go out with them even once" Sora growls "Then you must be too fucking smart for someone like me."

Riku grits his teeth, and feels the confusing mix of feelings build up again, and he wants to say he's sorry, he wants to apologize, he wants to make it all better again but it's just all too much, his throat feels to tight and he can't say a word because he would-

and he can't-

can't cry.

"Do you really hate me, Riku?" Sora looks up at him, confused. "I can't really read you, you know. I don't uderstand you at all- maybe that's why. You wouldn't show me. You just... don't like me, do you?"

Riku is silent, he moves his eyes away, and feels ashamed and stupid. Whatever he'd say - it would just sound too stupid. He can't explain. He hopes Sora will know, will understand - isn't it obvious, after all?

But Sora doesn't understand. He looks down, runs his hand through his hair, laughs a little - the sound cold and empty.

"God, I really am stupid." he says quietly, then turns around and disappears. Just like that.

Riku stays there for a long time, in the doorway, freezing his ass off, before his mother scolds him - he might catch a cold, and he can't now, he needs to think about his future.

She's right; he needs to work hard, finish the high school and then go to a good university somewhere far away. Then he'll be able to just- disappear.

What a fucking great future.

Riku is surprised when the boy walks up to him, an unreadable expression on his face, much like his own expression when he feels he needs to control his feelings and keep them down. The boy doesn't seem to be good at the controlling part though, because as soon as he gets close enough, he punches Riku in the face.

Hard.

Hard enough for it to fucking hurt.

"You fucking idiot." he says neutrally, massaging his knuckles, his blue eyes cold, as they seem to be calculating if the damage on Riku's face is painful enough. Those eyes, they're just like Sora's - only colder, much, much colder.

"Roxie, really, don't- oh, you really did." a tall, red-haired boy runs up to them, smiling at Riku apologetically. "Sorry, man, I mean, hell, I'd do that too if I knew you before, but Roxie, he just can't control himself sometimes, and that can hurt."

His words make little sense in Riku's head. They apparently make just as little sense outside of his head, because Roxas rolls his eyes at his companion.

"I can control myself well enough, Axel." he replies. "This just needed to be done."

"What. The. Hell?" Riku finally finds his tongue - it's quite swollen though and it hurts to speak.

"Hey, there are times when you can't~" Axel ignores him completely, grinning widely at the shorter boy. "I'm quite fond of those moments, you know~"

Roxas blushes and glares but his eyes- Riku is surprised. His eyes get so much warmer.

"Could you please not make an idiot out of me right now?"

"Are you going to punish me if I do?"

"Axel, stop it." the blond sighs but he still can't help smiling. "The guy's going to get weird ideas." he looks at Riku. "Sorry, Axel is just a pervert. He hits on everything that walks, including his best friends."

"That's not true." Axel pretends to be offended. "I only hit on you, Roxie."

Riku stares at them, torn between amusement and misery. Well. Here he is, angsting about having romantic feelings for his best friend, and here is that red-haired guy, making a fucking joke out of it and not caring what the world might think. And Roxas, he doesn't seem to mind at all.

"No need to apologize." he replies, finally getting up, dusting his pants off. "Especially for something like that, right after punching me. It sounds kind of stupid, you know."

"Oh, right." Roxas snorts. "I forgot. I'm one of Sora's brainless friends, after all."

Riku's eyes widen with surprise.

"He- told you?"

"Yes." Roxas shrugs. "I might be brainless, but I am his friend. He was fucking depressed. So I made him talk."

"Depressed?" Riku frowns, shaking his head. No way. He's seen Sora many times after their argument. Hanging around with his friends, playing basketball, eating Kairi's home-made lunch on their bench, which she didn't forget to sign as well, with a thick, black marker -
Sora
and
Kairi, and a bunch of little black hearts around it.

He was- better off without Riku. That's what it looked like to him. So he wanted to seem like he was better off without Sora, as well. He pretended not to care. He told himself he'd find new friends in the new school, in the big city. But... there was that dull pain, in his heart. And the memories. Too many of them, they kept dragging him back and-

"What- what should I do?" he sounds so helpless and he immediately scolds himself mentally for that but. He really doesn't know.

Roxas shakes his head.

"Nothing. From what he said- I think he's trying his best to get over it. And he is getting better. Just... leave him alone."

"How cold." Axel pouts. "Not gonna give the pretty boy any hope?"

"If he had it in him to repair it, he wouldn't have screwed this bad." Roxas shrugged and then frowned, looking almost apologetic. "Sorry. But you're leaving soon, anyway, aren't you? Sora is gonna keep on playing basketball. You want to go to an university. You'd drift away either way."

"That's why I'm opening a restaurant and when Roxie here is finished with high school, he's going to help me out, right, Roxie? We won't drift away, not ever~"

"Keep dreaming." Roxas smiles, despite his words. "So..." he looks at Riku again, and sighs. "Too bad we couldn't be friends, Riku. You seem decent enough. Well... good luck." and with just that, he turns away, dragging Axel along, leaving Riku alone.

He doesn't believe it, of course. He can't believe there's no way to repair it. There's got to be a way. Sora is hurt so he wants him back, doesn't he?

But at the same time - he knows Roxas is right. Sora might want him back but he doesn't need him back. His friends can make him happy, Kairi can make him happy, basketball can make him happy but Riku - he can't. Even though he loves him. Or maybe - because he loves him.

And there's no point in trying, anyway - he's going to have to leave soon. No point in trying to repair things just to screw them up again.

He'll... he'll have to build a new life. With no Sora.

The thought is painful, almost too painful. He's not ready to let go just yet.

But he has to. And he can't- he really has no right to cry.

It's the last day, the last day of his past, and Riku is drawn to the sea. He wants to just look at it feel the peace it usually brought him, back then when he was still friends with Sora, back when he had big small problems, and life was simple but exciting.

The beach is almost empty and he feels at ease, walking barefoot on the warm sand, towards the whispering waves. Something catches his eye - an irregular shape on the sand, looking like...

A sand castle. A pretty sand castle, completely destroyed. Someone must have stepped on it, kicking the sand away.

Riku stares at it and it's like all the years, the happiness, the touches, the laughter, the smiles and then the sadness, the loneliness, everything washes over him with the quiet sea waves, and he feels just so alone - always so alone, and cold, with no one to understand, to help him up, hold his hand, cheer him up... like they couldn't understand, than even though he doesn't let it show, he still needs it, still needs the warmth. No one ever could understand it, except for Sora, with his happy smiles and bright eyes.

But Riku pushed him away. Just like that.

He stares at the castle, so pretty, so fragile, so broken, and everything becomes blurry and shaky and he feels the wet warmth on his cheeks and he just sits down there, in the sand and cries.

Like a little kid. Like Sora did, when they broke their castle. Like Sora did, everytime he was sad, letting it fall with the tears and thus - being able to become bright again.

"Riku?" the voice is distant, but then there are footsteps on the sand and a warm hand touches his arm. "What the fuck- Riku, what happened?"

Riku shakes his head and tries to wipe the tears away, tries to say it's nothing, nothing, but Sora doesn't let him, he catches his hands and looks at him, with those bright, blue eyes.

"Riku? Are you... fuck, I've never... what happened?"

"I..." Riku tries to calm down, but the tears keeps on falling, and Sora keeps on looking more and more worried, somehow making him want to cry more and more. "It's..." It's too many things, too many things to cry about, and won't every single of them make him seem like a stupid, helpless kid? "It's just..."

Sora sighs, touching his face, many different emotions flashing through his eyes before he leans in and kisses Riku on the lips. It's soft and warm and it's like he puts Riku into a different world, one that's smells like Sora, feels like Sora, one that's warm, soft and safe.

All too soon, the touch on his lips is gone and Sora is looking at him with a faint blush on his cheeks. He seems embarrassed and worried.

"Um... aren't you going to say something about it?"

"It's... it's the castle." Riku finally says and pulls Sora for another kiss, their mouths crashing together clumsily, lips moving slowly, like they're stepping on a foreign ground, afraid of falling but wanting to fall at the same tame.

They part again and Sora looks at the castle and releases Riku's hands, letting him brush his cheeks, wiping the salty tears away.

"The castle... the sand castle, you say?"

Riku snorts, then laughs out loud and Sora sits down next to him, grinning at him, his eyes full of affection.

"It's okay" he says, placing his hand over Riku's. "We can make another one - a better one - soon."

And Riku smiles back at him - because there aren't many things that can make him smile sincerely, but Sora is one of them, and now he knows that as long as they'll be together, they can make another castle, one much more beautiful - one that will make them both happy and proud.

One that won't be made of sand.

the end

Sorry for my English - it's not my native language. I didn't really check this one so I hope there aren't many mistakes.
And I hope you liked it~! I'm new to the KH fandom so I'm not really familiar with it yet.

Also, can someone tell me what's wrong with breaks on ? I can't put them, they just keep on disappearing ,