A/N: Warning, contains details on self-harming and recovery. I really hope I've done this justice.
Set in 3x10, AU after it.
Hurt
~x~
"You gonna tell me what happened?" Sam asked as he walked into his bedroom to find Addison curled up on his bed in his pajamas "Addison" she kept staring into space "Hey" he said sitting down on the bed "Talk to me" he said stroking her hair, she looked up at him, the back of her hand tentatively touched his arm "Tell me, tell me…" she placed her hand on the back of his neck and pulled herself up to kiss him desperately, for a few seconds he responded, before pulling away, her hand still gripping onto him "Wait wait wait" he whispered "Not like this, not like this"
"Please" she begged.
"Addison no"
"Sam" she whispered kissing him again "Please, just this once, I need to feel something, please"
"I can't do 'just this once' with you Addison, I can't" he whispered against her lips "You're worth more than that, we're worth more than that"
"I need you" she said softly, her hands slipping under his shirt and touching his warm skin, Sam stared into her eyes a little before slowly leaning forward and connecting their lips, he moved so he was lying in between her legs, their tongues battling together, Addison removed his shirt from him, her hands running up and down his chest and back, they slowly undressed each other, lips brushing together and against bare skin, Sam teased Addison with his fingers to make sure she was wet enough for him before slipping inside her.
"Oh god" she gasped, her hand holding onto the back of his neck, the other on his hip, his holding himself up above her, every move was slow but deep, eyes locked together, moans escaping both of their lips, as Sam knew she was nearing he sped up a little and then they were both cumming in sync, Addison cried out his name as Sam cried out hers, his cum shooting inside her as she hips bucked against him, once they had their breath back Sam lay down next to her, Addison moved into his body and lay in his arms.
"Thank you" Addison sighed contently.
"I shouldn't have done that" Sam replied "I shouldn't have, god Addie, you're so upset and, you don't know what you're doing and, I shouldn't have let that happen" he said pulling away from her.
"Sam" she said grasping onto his hand "I wanted to do it, I want, I want us to, do this, please don't leave me, please Sam, don't leave me" she whispered.
"I'm sorry" he said slipping out of the bed "I need, to go, I have to go, I'm sorry Addie" he said as he slipped his clothes on "I'm so sorry" he said walking out of the bedroom, Addison kept her eyes frozen on the doorway, she sat with her legs crossed, the sheets pulled up to cover her naked chest, her back exposed, she eventually stood and got dressed, and after making her parents and Susan leave her house she climbed into bed, dressed in Sam's pajamas, smelling his scent, and tears started to flow from her eyes, sobs were followed by sobs as she closed her eyes and fell asleep through her tears.
~x~
6 weeks went by with an obvious tension between Sam and Addison, they could barely look at each other, and it didn't go unnoticed by their fellow colleagues, luckily Naomi didn't ever pick up on it because of working in the practice below. Addison turned up to work with red raw eyes on more than one occasion, and when Violet would ask if she was ok she would always plaster a fake smile on her face and reply yes, but Violet saw straight through it every time.
"Addison" Violet said softly as she slipped into her office, Addison sat staring into space on her sofa "Addison, I know you don't want to talk but, I think you should" she said sitting next to her "You haven't been yourself and, I'm worried, we're all worried"
"I'm ok" Addison whispered "Just tired, I haven't really been sleeping"
"Addison" Violet said squeezing her hand "If somethings wrong, I won't tell anyone, it stays in this room, between you and me, I know you're mad at me because of your Dad but…."
"I'm not mad at you" Addison said quickly "I'm mad at him, but I'm not mad at you, I'm a little disappointed in you but, I'm not mad, I was a little at first but, I'm not anymore"
"Ok" Violet nodded "Is that what this is about? Your parents being here? Did something happen?"
"No it's, it's not that it's, nothing, it's really nothing" Addison sighed "I just can't sleep"
"Well there must be something in the water because Sam's been exactly the same, did something happen with him? Did you have a fight or…."
"We slept together" Addison said simply.
"Oh" Violet said slightly taken aback "I didn't, that I was not expecting"
"Right" Addison said with a tired laugh.
"And this happened when…."
"When my parents were here" Addison sighed "I was staying at his place because I couldn't go home, and, I came on to him, we kissed a couple of months ago, when we had that accident, but we kind of forgot about it, but I just kept, feeling things for him, I still do feel things for him, and I don't know where that came from it just, happened, and, then I came on to him, and he tried to stop it but I, I begged him, which was really pathetic of me but, I needed to feel something, I needed, him, I needed Sam and, we slept together, and then after, after he said he shouldn't have let it happen, and I kept saying it was what I wanted but, he walked out, even when I pleaded with him not to leave me" she whispered "He walked out, he left me there, naked in his bed, he just left me and, I thought, of everyone I've ever been with, I didn't think he'd ever leave me, and since then, he's barely looked at me, and I, I don't know what to do" she choked, tears falling from her eyes "It's not about the sex, it's not that, it's him, he's, he's supposed to be one of my best friends, and he just left me"
"Oh Addison" Violet said hugging her tightly "He's an ass"
"I hate him" Addison mumbled wiping tears from her eyes.
"You're in love with him" Violet said quietly.
"That's why I hate him" Addison sobbed "Even if, even if he did want me back, Naomi, she would be heartbroken, it would break her, and I can't do that to her"
"But you'll do it to yourself? Look in the mirror Addison, you're a mess, you've been a mess for weeks, you can't go on like this"
"I just can't go on" Addison whispered "I can't go on, everything in my life is wrong, my family, my relationships, my stupid fertility, nothing feels right anymore, I don't feel right, I feel, like nothing, I'm worth nothing, I'm nothing"
"Addison" Violet said cupping her face "You are not nothing"
"I'm nothing" Addison repeated "I'm nothing"
"Addison" Violet said shaking her a little "Addison look at me, look at me, wake up"
"I'm nothing" Addison said simply.
"Addison!" Violet snapped "Do not do this, don't think like that, you are not nothing, say that for me, tell me you're not nothing"
"I can't" Addison said shakily.
"Say it" Violet said firmly.
"I'm not nothing" Addison said slowly.
"Good, that's good" Violet said softly "One more time"
"I'm not nothing" Addison repeated.
"Good, you're not nothing" Violet smiled "Just lie down sweetie" she said helping Addison to lie down on the sofa, she slowly stroked against Addison's hair and whispered soothingly to her as she fell to sleep.
~x~
When Addison returned home she found the biggest bottle of wine she could and poured herself a glass, taking both the glass and bottle with her to the sofa. She managed to finish the bottle in less than half an hour, as she made her way to the kitchen for another bottle she dropped the wine glass on the floor, the pieces shattering everywhere, she stood on the glass without realizing and laughed a little as blood came from her feet, she grabbed a bottle of wine from the counter and slid down to the floor as she gulped more wine back, she took a piece of glass from the floor and slowly traced it across her skin, she shuffled over to the table where her phone sat and picked up the paper and pen she kept next to it, scrawling out words all over the page before taking the glass to her wrist and slicing through the skin, blood instantly seeping out, she managed to get in another gulp of wine, finishing the bottle, and a cut to her other wrist before passing out on the floor.
~x~
Violet didn't feel right. From the minute she watched Addison climb into her car she didn't feel right. Seeing her break down was surprising to say the least. As were her apparent feelings for Sam. She paced her living room with her car keys in hand, trying to decide on what the next step should be, waiting until the next morning to talk to her again, or driving to her house, and then all she could hear in her head was Addison saying she was nothing. And then she knew. She climbed into her car and drove the 15 minutes to Addison's house. As she pulled up she instantly knocked on the front door, after 5 minutes of trying she let herself through Addison's gate and moved to her patio doors, she looked through and felt physically sick as she saw Addison sprawled out on the floor, blood coming from her wrist, a bottle of wine lying on the floor next to her.
"Addison" she shouted trying to open the doors "Addison come on, wake up for me, come on Addison" she pulled frantically at the doors and knew she was getting nowhere "SAM!" she shouted "SAM HELP!" she shouted again "SAM!" Sam came rushing out onto his deck.
"Violet? What's wrong?"
"Sam, it's Addison, help" she said with a slight sob as she tried to open the doors again, Sam rushed back into his house and grabbed the spare keys, he ran to Violet and opened the door, he froze at what he saw in front of him.
"Call an ambulance" Violet said as she rushed to Addison's side "SAM! CALL AN AMBULANCE!"
Sam unfroze and quickly dialed for an ambulance.
"Come on Addison, wake up, don't do this" Violet said trying to find a pulse on her neck "She has a pulse, it's weak but it's there" she said quietly "Please Addison, oh god, this is all my fault" she cried.
"What?" Sam asked quietly as he grabbed two towels from Addison's kitchen and held them to her wrists, the adrenaline he had rushing through him allowing him to function.
"I, I was worried about her, she's been like, a zombie, and I was talking to her today and, she kept saying she was nothing, she said it over and over again, I'm nothing, I'm nothing, and, I got her to sleep and, I thought she'd be ok but then I could hear her saying it in my head and, I shouldn't have let her come home alone, I shouldn't have…."
"You didn't know" Sam said simply "You couldn't have known Violet"
"Oh my god" Violet whispered as she spotted the paper next to Addison's body "Oh god" she whispered again.
"Wha...what?" Sam stuttered.
"Look" she said holding it out to him, the words 'I'm nothing' were scrawled across the page repeatedly, spots of blood mixing with the ink.
"I'm so sorry Addie" Sam whispered "Please don't do this, please don't die, please, come on Addie, you don't want this, please" he said tearfully.
"She'll be ok" Violet said squeezing his arm "She has to be ok, she'll be ok, say it Sam, she'll be ok"
"She'll be ok" Sam repeated, but both of them knew there was a possibility she wouldn't be.
~x~
"Is she ok?" Naomi said rushing into Addison's hospital room "What happened? Vi? Sam? What, what happened?"
"She's fine Naomi" Violet said softly "She's lost a lot of blood but, we got there just in time, she'll be ok"
"What happened?" Naomi asked again.
"She drank 2 bottles of wine and slit her wrists with some broken glass" Sam said emotionlessly, his eyes never leaving Addison's unconscious form.
"Oh my god" Naomi said dropping herself down into an empty chair "But, but why, why would she do that? Addison wouldn't do that, she wouldn't, she wouldn't do that"
"I shouldn't have let her go home alone" Violet said quietly "I knew something was wrong, I knew it, she kept saying she was nothing, over and over again, and, and, I shouldn't have let her go home alone"
"Stop it" Sam said firmly "Stop saying that, I should've been there, I should have been there and I wasn't, I haven't been there, I left her, I left her all alone when she was upset and, she needed me and, I left her, I screwed up, I made her feel like nothing, I did that, not you, you did everything you could, you knew something was wrong and you went to her, and if you hadn't, god Violet if you hadn't have been thinking of her, if you hadn't have noticed something was wrong, she might not be alive right now" he choked "I'm so sorry Addie" he whispered kissing her forehead "I'm so sorry, please be ok, please, please wake up for me, I'll never leave you again, I promise, I promise you"
"Sam, what's going on?" Naomi asked shakily "What don't I know?"
"It doesn't matter right now Naomi" Sam replied.
"My best friend just slashed her wrists and you're saying it doesn't matter?" she exclaimed "What the hell is going on?"
"We slept together ok?" Sam shouted "6 weeks ago, when her parents were here and she was a mess and, she was staying with me and she said she needed to feel something, she said she needed me and I protested at first because of the state she was in but I let it happen, I let it happen because I've been falling in love with her for months and god dammit I needed her too! And then when we were finished I freaked out and I left her, she pleaded with me not to leave her but I left anyway, I left her naked and alone in my bed and I haven't been able to look at her since, because I'm ashamed, I'm ashamed that I could do that to her, that I could leave her when she needed me, I'm ashamed, and all I want right now is for her to wake up so I can tell her I'm sorry and that I love her, and that I will never leave her again, and if you had any heart, you wouldn't get mad about this, because I know that's what you're thinking right now, but I forbid you, I forbid you from doing that, if you want to get mad, then leave, because I do not want her to wake up to that"
Naomi suddenly launched herself at Sam, hitting against him and screaming loudly, Violet bolted from her chair and tried to push her back.
"Naomi" she said holding her arms "Naomi stop it, stop, I'll call security, I will, I swear I will, stop it!"
"You did this" Naomi said trying to go for Sam again "How could you do that to her? You know how vulnerable she can get, you know what she's like Sam! How could you do that to her?"
"I'm sorry" Sam whispered.
"Well sorry isn't good enough" Naomi spat "I'm not letting her do this again, and especially not over you, she promised me, she promised and because of you she broke that promise Sam, she promised me"
"Again? What do you mean again?" Violet asked warily.
"She kept saying she was nothing right?" Naomi said quietly.
"Yeah" Violet whispered "I'm nothing, that's what she said"
"In med school, the first year, when she came back after the christmas holidays she started to pull away, they'd been dating for a couple of months and not even Derek could get through to her, she wouldn't talk to anyone, she just went to her classes, went home, and slept, and then one night, one night me and Derek's sister Nancy came home, we all lived together, and, she was lying in the empty bathtub, her wrists slit, and two empty bottles of wine on the floor, I screamed the place down, Nancy called an ambulance, and by the time everyone got to the hospital she was like this" she said gesturing to Addison "When I asked her what made her do it, weeks later when she was healed, she said, she'd found her Dad with 2 other women within days of each other, and when she confronted him he slapped her, told her she was just a silly little girl who was worth, nothing" she whispered "The note we found next to the bath tub said…."
"I'm nothing" Violet said pulling the note from her pocket "Oh my god"
"I didn't think she'd ever do this again" Naomi said tearfully "She got over it, she got through it, she even made up with her father before she married Derek, of course that changed again but, she'll always run back to him, to get his approval, give it another year or so when he shows up again and she'll try her best to get him to really notice her"
"I'm so sorry" Sam said pulling Naomi into a hug "I didn't mean to hurt her, I really didn't"
"This isn't just about you Sam" Violet said softly "When we were talking, it started off being about you, about how she felt about you, but then it changed, she said her life was wrong, she couldn't go on, that nothing felt right anymore, that she was worth nothing, this isn't just about you Sam, this is about her, we can't sit here and play the blame game, we have to be here for her, when she wakes up we will all be here, every single one of us, ok?"
"Ok" Naomi sniffled "Ok, we're going to be here"
"We're going to be here" Violet nodded "Sam?"
"I'm never leaving her again" Sam said pulling a chair even closer to Addison's bed, holding her hand in his "I'm never leaving you again" he said kissing her skin.
"Have you called the others?" Naomi asked quietly "She'd want to see Pete at least, she'd want to see him"
"I'll go and call them all now, I'll get Pete to come down here, Cooper and Dell can come up tomorrow" Violet said squeezing her arm "She'll be ok Naomi, she got through it once, she can do it again, I know she can"
"Yeah" Naomi whispered "I really hope you're right Vi" Violet squeezed her arm again before leaving the room, Naomi took the seat on the opposite side to Sam and held Addison's other hand, both of their eyes locked onto her pale face.
~x~
The next morning and Sam, Naomi, Violet and Pete all slept in chairs surrounding Addison's bed, Pete had arrived not long after Violet had called to tell him what happened, and he hadn't left the room since. None of them had. Sam slowly started to wake as a nurse came in and checked Addison's vitals, informing him that the blood transfusion she had received had gone well and she should be waking up soon, he said his thank you's and sat up staring at Addison's face, waiting for her eyes to flicker open, which 10 minutes later they did.
"Guys" he said nudging everyone "She's waking up" everyone slowly sat up and watched as Addison stirred.
"Addie" Sam said softly "That's it wake up for me, wake up"
"What, what's going on?" she mumbled as her eyes adjusted to the light.
"You're in the hospital sweetie" Naomi said softly "But you're ok, everything is going to be ok"
"I, I did it again didn't I" Addison whispered as she glanced to her bandaged wrists.
"Yeah" Naomi whispered "You did"
"I'm sorry" Addison said tearfully "I'm sorry I did that, I didn't mean to, I don't know what, what I was thinking and, I don't know why I, I did that"
"It's me who should be sorry" Violet said moving closer to her "I should've seen the signs Addison"
"No, no I should have" Addison said firmly "I should know better"
"We said we weren't going to do this" said Pete "When I got here last night we said that the blame game was banned, we're not doing this, the important thing is that you get better Addie, that's all that matters"
"I'm just so tired" Addison sobbed "I'm so tired"
"I know" Sam said cupping her face "It's ok, it's ok to be tired, and I'm sorry, for the way I've been treating you, that wasn't fair"
"No, it wasn't" Addison sniffled "I hate you right now"
"I know, I hate me too" Sam said quietly "But more importantly, I love you Addie, and I'm not going anywhere, ever again, I'm here, whether you like it or not"
"I…." Addison started "What?"
"He's telling you he's in love with you Addie" Violet smirked "He's an idiot, but he's in love with you, there was a lot of conversation in this room last night, and Naomi might have hit him a few times"
"It's true, I did" Naomi said with a small smile "This, this is weird for me, it is, but, seeing you like this again, I just, if he can get you out of this, then I can move past it, because your well being is a hell of a lot more important to me Addie"
"I'm so sorry Nae" Addison whispered.
"You have nothing to be sorry for" Naomi said softly.
"Why don't we go and get some coffee ladies" Pete said standing up.
"Sure" Violet smiled "We have a long way to go Addison, but we'll get there" she said kissing her cheek, Pete led Naomi and Violet out of the room, leaving Sam sitting next to Addison's bed holding her hand.
"I love you" he whispered.
"I know" she sniffled "I love you too, I, who, who found me, last night?"
"Violet" Sam said quietly "She said after she spoke to you yesterday she didn't feel right leaving you alone, so she drove over to the house, and when you didn't answer she looked through the patio doors and she saw you, she screamed for me to help, I unlocked the door and, and called an ambulance, we held towels to your wrists until they got there"
"I don't know what's wrong with me" Addison sobbed "Why did I do this? What was I thinking?"
"I don't know Addie but we'll get you through it, we will, I promise, and I promise you, I will never leave you again"
"You better not, asshole"
"Never" he smiled.
~x~
1 month later.
"Hey" Sam smiled as he picked Addison up from her weekly therapy session "How'd it go?"
"Good" she nodded "It felt good anyway, but I don't, I'm not ready for work yet, I don't feel ready yet"
"I know" he said softly "It's ok, we have everything under control, I promise"
"Good" Addison said with a small smile "I was thinking, maybe, maybe we could take a bath together tonight"
"Really?" Sam asked with surprise "Are you sure you're, ready for that?"
"Yeah" she whispered "I think I kind of owe you, you've been very patient" she said with a slight laugh.
"I'd go my whole life without sex if it meant I could be with you" he said kissing her softly.
"Suck up" Addison smirked "But seriously, tonight, candles and romantic music and stuff, I'd like that"
"Ok then" Sam smiled "I'm sure that could be arranged"
"Ok then" Addison smiled.
~x~
"So, is this what you wanted?" Sam asked as he lay in the bath tub with Addison, her back against his chest.
"Hmm, yeah" she sighed contently "This is good"
"Good" Sam smiled.
"They're almost gone" Addison whispered as she inspected her wrists "The marks, they're almost gone"
"Yeah" Sam breathed "I'm really proud of you Addie, for getting the control back, you're doing so well baby, so so well"
"I couldn't have done it without you" Addison said squeezing his hands "I know I said it before, and I know I didn't keep the promise, but I will this time, I swear I will, I promise, that I will never, ever do that again, I promise you"
"Just promise me that when you're feeling down, you'll talk to me, that's all I need to know, that you'll talk to me"
"I promise" Addison smiled softly "Thank you for for not leaving"
"I keep my promises Addie" Sam said kissing her temple "Forever and ever babe"
"Forever and ever" Addison smiled.
~x~
"Hey" Naomi smiled as Addison let her into her house the following morning.
"Hey" Addison smiled leading them through to the living room, both of them dropping down onto the sofa, Naomi stared at her almost expectantly "No I have not had any suicidal thoughts in the past hour of being alone in my house" she said rolling her eyes a little.
"Oh don't be so dramatic" Naomi said with a slight laugh "How did therapy go?"
"Good" Addison smiled "I'm good Naomi, I'm ok, I promise you"
"I know I'm bugging you by asking all the time but you're just going to have to live with that" Naomi shrugged.
"I know" Addison said squeezing her hand "Thank you, for asking, for still being here for me after, what I did, what I'm, doing"
"What do you mean?" Naomi frowned.
"With Sam" Addison whispered "I know it can't be easy for you to see us together, and I'm sorry for that"
"Addison you have nothing to be sorry for" Naomi said softly "It isn't easy but, I am getting past it because I know he's helping you through this, because he is, right?"
"He is" Addison smiled "He's been, great, a little obsessive at times, like I couldn't go to the bathroom without him waiting right at the door but, it's better now"
"Good" Naomi smiled "I just want you better Addie, that's all I want"
"Me too Nae, me too"
~x~
1 month later.
"Coming I'm coming!" Addison shouted as someone persistently rang her doorbell, she opened the door and froze as she was face with Callie, Derek and Mark "Um, hi, what, what the, what the hell are you doing here?"
"Lucy you've got some splainin to do" Callie almost growled.
"Wha…." Addison started as Callie pushed her way into her house "What's going on?" she asked.
"You can start by telling me why you tried to kill yourself and didn't bother telling me" Callie hissed.
"How did you…."
"Naomi called me" Derek said simply "She didn't mean to tell me, it was an accident on her part, she told me and I told Mark and he told Callie, and we agreed that we needed to come out here and kick your ass"
"I'm fine" Addison sighed "You didn't have to do that, I'm fine, I'm getting help, I'm ok"
"You promised me" Mark said in an almost whisper "You promised all of us in med school that you wouldn't do this again, you promised"
"Med school was a long time ago Mark" Addison replied with a sigh.
"Why did you do it?" Callie asked quietly.
"For a lot of reasons" Addison sighed "The alcohol was probably a factor in the decision, I'm not going into it again, I'm in therapy, and I'm doing really well, and I can't go into it again, I have to move forward now"
"Ok" Derek said softly "Just promise me you're ok"
"I'm ok" Addison smiled "I promise, my therapist is amazing, my friends are amazing, they've all supported me through this, and I'm getting better, I'm, I'm going back to work soon, I'm getting really bored" she said with a slight laugh "I guess I should be offering you a drink, tea, coffee, juice?"
"Coffee" they all replied.
"Coming right up" she smiled "Take a seat" she walked into the kitchen and started up the coffee machine, choosing to ignore the phone as it rang, letting it go straight to voicemail, freezing when she heard a familiar voice escape from the machine.
"Addie? Addison, you there?" Sam asked "I guess you're in the shower or something, just letting you know I'm taking a patient into surgery so I won't be home until around 5, but I'll bring chinese, hope you're ok, I'm missing you like crazy already which I know makes me a little sad and desperate because it's only been 2 hours since we woke up, but I miss you, and I can't wait for you to come back to work so I can see you every day, it feels empty in that place without you, everyones missing you, even Charlotte, I love you, so much, I'll call you when I'm out of surgery, have a good day babe, I love you"
"Coffee" Addison said slightly high pitched as she placed the mugs on the coffee table.
"What the hell was that?" Mark and Derek exclaimed.
"I may be in a relationship with Sam" she mumbled.
"As in Naomi's ex hottie?" asked Callie "Go Addison, if I still swung that way I so would"
"Callie! Not the time!" Mark exclaimed "This, this is insane, you, you and Sam? You and Sam?"
"Me and Sam" Addison said rolling her eyes a little "I know, it's weird, husbands best friend, best friends husband, I'm a horrible person blah blah blah, I know ok? Believe me, I've gone over this whole thing in my head about 2000 times, but I'm happy, he makes me happy, and I love him, I really love him"
"What did he do?" Derek asked seriously "What the hell did he do?"
"Derek, calm down" Addison said softly "It wasn't his fault, it was me, I made the mistake, it wasn't his fault"
"Addison, I don't care if you don't think you should talk about it" he said firmly "You slit your wrists, you wanted to end your life…."
"I didn't…."
"And I want to know why, so you better start talking or I will be kicking Sam's ass"
"Fine" Addison sighed sitting down on the arm of the sofa "6 weeks before I did it, my parents were here, and I found out something that threw my life into a loop, and I won't go into that, the only person who knows about that is my therapist, and Sheldon but that's a long story, I was feeling angry and depressed and needy and I was staying next door with Sam, I didn't go into work, I got into his pajamas and lay on his bed and stayed there, didn't move, and then he came in, sat on the bed next to me, and asked me what was wrong, and I kissed him, I'd been having feelings for him for, a couple of months maybe, I don't know where they came from but they were there, and we kissed once before, and he was there next to me, being Sam, and I kissed him, and I kept pushing it until he gave in and slept with me, even though he said we shouldn't, and then after, after he left, he climbed out of the bed, he kept saying it shouldn't have happened when I was so vulnerable, I told him it was ok, that I wanted it, it was ok but, he left, he said he was sorry and he left, and for 6 weeks after that he could barely look at me, and it hurt, it really hurt, but that isn't why I did it, I did it because I felt worthless, I felt like nothing, and that wasn't because of Sam, that was because of me, my insecurities, and since then, he's been there for me, every step of the way he's been there, from the minute he walked into this room and held towels to my wrists while they waited for an ambulance, he's been there, he doesn't need his ass kicked, I do"
"I still think we should get to kill him" Mark mumbled.
"Apparently when I was still unconscious Naomi tried to scratch his eyes out" Addison said with a slight laugh.
"And how is she, taking this, news" Derek stuttered.
"Ok" Addison said with a small smile "It's still a little weird for her but, she's ok, just like me, I'm ok"
"I was so worried" Callie whispered tearfully "When you wouldn't answer my calls I, I put it down to work but, I knew something was wrong, I could feel it, and, I was so worried and then Mark's in my apartment telling me you tried to kill yourself and…."
"I wasn't trying to kill myself Cal" Addison said moving next to her "I didn't want to die, I don't want to die, I just, I don't know what happened, it's like I wasn't in my body anymore, something took over inside me and, I've had to learn to get control of that, but I swear to you I'm ok, I'm back in control, I promise you that"
"And you'll call" Callie sniffled "When you need someone to talk to, you'll call me"
"Every day if you need me too" Addison smiled "How about we all go and sit out on the deck, you'll see why I love it here so much"
"I still don't get what's so special about LA" Mark grumbled as they walked out onto the deck.
"That Mark, that is what's so special about LA" Addison smiled as they looked out at the beach "Are you staying until sunset? Because that's the best part"
"I think we can stretch to that" Derek smiled "As long as we can get some of that chinese food"
"Of course" Addison laughed.
~x~
"Babe, I'm home" Sam shouted as he walked into her house, bags of chinese food in his arms "I got extra, are the girls here or something?" he said as he walked through the living room, he heard laughing from outside and walked out onto the deck.
"Oh my god, hi" he said with a slight laugh as he saw Derek, Mark and Callie "What's going on?"
"Naomi accidently spilled the beans of my crazy to Derek" Addison sighed "Did you bring food?"
"Of course" Sam said putting the bags onto the table "You ok?" he whispered.
"Perfect" Addison smiled kissing him softly "How was surgery?"
"Good" Sam smiled taking the seat next to her "Everything went well"
"You're operating again?" Derek asked curiously.
"Yeah" Sam smiled "It's been a few months now, it's great to get back into it"
"He's one of the best there is in that place" Addison smiled "Plus he's making the practice a lot of money which is nice"
"I didn't know you were a surgeon, what's your speciality?" Callie asked.
"Cardio" Sam smiled.
"He's my heart man aren't you honey" Addison smiled kissing his cheek softly.
"Oh eewww, what the hell is happening to you?" Mark shuddered.
"What?" Addison laughed.
"You're all, mushy" he said waving at her aimlessly.
"Shut up" she said hitting him on the arm.
"Addie?" Naomi shouted over the gate.
"It's open" Addison shouted back, Naomi walked through looking slightly flustered "What's with you?"
"I was coming to warn you that I think Derek and Mark are coming out here but I'm obviously too late" she sighed "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to tell him, it just came out"
"It's fine Nae" Addison smiled "I'm kind of glad they're here, they can stop bugging me for moving now they know I have this as a view" she said gesturing to the setting sun.
"It is an amazing view" Naomi smiled moving over to sit on the edge of Addison's chair "So, how are we all?"
"Better now we've seen this one" Callie said reaching out and squeezing Addison's hand a little.
"I bet" Naomi said softly.
"Right" Addison breathed standing up "Are my girls gonna come for a walk on the beach with me or not?"
"Race you to the sea?" Callie said kicking off her shoes and taking off her jacket.
"You do get that it'll be freezing right?" Naomi smirked.
"Absolutely" Callie laughed.
"I'm in" Addison said kicking off her shoes "Come on Nae, live a little"
"Fine" Naomi groaned, she kicked off her shoes and took off her jacket before they all ran to the sea, the men watched as they stepped into the water, squealing a little, Callie splashed water onto Addison who splashed it right back, they kept on throwing the water on each other, laughing as Naomi fell down, she reached out her hand to be pulled up and pulled Addison down with her.
"Look at them" Mark said with a laugh "They're like 3 teenagers"
"They're going to freeze to death" Derek said rolling his eyes a little.
"Leave them be" Sam said keeping his eyes locked on Addison's laughing form, his mouth spreading into a smile "She's back" he said with a slight whisper.
"What?" Mark frowned.
"Addison" Sam said softly "She's back"
"How bad was it?" Derek asked "Honestly"
"About the same as last time" Sam sighed "I didn't really, take much in, all I could think about was stopping the bleeding, god if we'd have gotten there even, a minute later, I dread to think" he said with a slight shudder "But she's back, she's back and there is no way I'm letting her slip away again, no way"
"Good" Mark nodded.
"I better go and get them some towels" Sam said disappearing into Addison's house, he came back a minute later with 3 large towels as Addison, Callie and Naomi walked towards them, he handed Callie a towel, then Naomi, and then wrapped Addison's around her shoulders, pulling her into his arms as she shivered "Have fun babe?" he asked softly.
"Yeah" she said with a slight sniffle "I really did"
Sam merely smiled and kissed her forehead softly.
~x~
Sam and Addison lay in bed together that evening, Sam's arms wrapped around her, his fingers softly brushing against her arms, Addison looked up at him and kissed his jaw softly.
"Hey" he whispered brushing some stray hair from her face.
"Hey" she whispered back.
"Was it because of me, was any part of it because of me?"
"Sam" Addison said with slight shock.
"Please Addie, just answer" he said quietly.
"No" she said simply "No, it wasn't because of you, I let myself slip back into old habits and, old insecurities, I've been left by guys before Sam, I can get over that, Sam I'm not that, I wouldn't do that over a guy, plus, I was drunk, and even though what I did was awful and stupid, it was a wake up call"
"Yeah, for me too" Sam said kissing her forehead "I love you so much, if, if I'd have lost you I don't, I can't even, imagine, I just, I can't…."
"Hey" Addison said cupping his face "Sam, I'm not going anywhere, I love you" she kissed his lips softly "I love you" she said kissing him again, she slowly moved to climb on top of him "I love you" she whispered going in for another kiss, she brought her hands to the bottom of his shirt and pulled it off him "I love you" she whispered kissing his chest.
"Addie" Sam said with a low groan "Don't tease me"
"I'm not teasing" she said with a slight laugh as she kissed his lips "I'm ready if you are" Sam pulled her back into a kiss in reply.
~x~
Addison let out a huge yawn as she walked down the stairs, heading straight to the kitchen to grab a glass of water, she walked with a slight limp, sex injuries were the worst, no matter how much she enjoyed the part that made them, she slowly sipped on the water and set about turning on the coffee machine.
"Hey" she smiled as Callie walked down the stairs "Good sleep?"
"Yeah" Callie smiled "Why do I have the feeling you didn't get any?" she smirked.
"Oh god, did, did you hear us?" Addison said with a whisper "Because we really tried to be quiet and…."
"I didn't hear you" Callie said with a laugh "You just have that look on your face, postcoital pain"
"Hmm" Addison sighed "It was all very romantic and lovely at first, but the second time, and the third, and fourth" she said slightly sheepishly "I bent in ways I didn't know I could"
"And that is not the point in conversation I wanted to walk in on this morning" Mark groaned as himself and Derek sleepily walked in through the patio doors.
"You're just jealous because I got 4 rounds of very hot sex last night and all you got was, well, your hand" she smirked.
"La la la la la la la" Mark said covering his ears with his hands.
"Oh don't be a baby" Addison laughed.
"Addison, just because we're accepting the fact you're with Sam now doesn't mean we need to hear the details" Derek shuddered "Here, patio door key" he said placing it on the kitchen counter "Where is Sam?"
"Still asleep" Addison replied "Wore him out" she smirked.
"La la la la la la la" Mark and Derek said covering their ears.
"You're so saying things on purpose now" Callie smirked.
"Duh" Addison laughed "I'm gonna go wake him up, we have work, coffees in the pot" she said breezing past them and heading up the stairs, she slowly peeled the covers off Sam and straddled his body, kissing his lips softly.
"Well, that's a nice way to wake up in the morning" Sam said with a yawn, his hands coming to her hips.
"I love you" she whispered brushing their lips together.
"I love you too" Sam smiled rolling them over.
"Sam" Addison giggled as he caressed her body and kissed her neck "Sam, we have, guests and, you have, work and, stop it" she laughed "Sam" she squealed as he scooped her off the bed and carried her into the shower, downstairs everyone groaned as her voice echoed through the house.
~x~
As Sam and Addison walked down the stairs Sam coughed a little to announce their entrance "Morning" he said with a tentative smile.
"Morning" Callie smiled trying to hold back a laugh.
"Morning" Derek and Mark mumbled barely looking up from their coffee.
"So" Addison started "When are you guys heading home? Not that I don't love having you here" she added quickly "It's just you guys must have work to do"
"We've booked a flight for this afternoon so we can come and check out this practice of yours" Callie smiled "If you're, ok to go that is"
"I'm not allergic to the place Callie I just don't feel ready to see patients yet" Addison said with a slight laugh "I'll give you the tour, we can raid the not so secret chocolate stash in my office"
"Sounds like a plan to me" Callie smiled "I'm gonna go get dressed" she said heading up the stairs.
"Sam? Have you seen my purse anywhere?" Addison asked as she glanced around the living room.
"Which one?" he smirked.
"Ha ha" she said dryly "The black one, the one I use almost every day"
"On the chair in front of the dressing table" Sam said as he poured some coffee, Addison kissed him softly before heading back up the stairs "So" he started sitting down in front of Mark and Derek "You guys gonna look me in the eye at all today or what?"
"It's kind of hard when we can hear you, and her, up there, doing that" Derek stuttered.
"Right, sorry" Sam said with a slight laugh.
"You can't hurt her again" Mark said quietly "If you hurt her we might, we might lose her and, I know we've hurt her in the past but, if she can get herself into a deep a hole as she was in after you, she'll do it again, even if she is saying it wasn't anything to do with you, don't screw it up Sam, because then we'll have to hate you, and we don't want to hate you"
"I'm not going to screw it up again" Sam sighed "I'm holding onto her for dear life, I really love her guys, this isn't a game"
"We know" Derek said softly.
"Ok" Addison smiled as she walked back down the stairs "You can stop talking about me now"
"We weren't talking about you" Mark said with a nervous laugh.
"I love that you care enough to lie for me" Addison laughed.
"Hey" Callie said walking down the stairs "We all ready to go?"
"Ready" Addison smiled.
~x~
10 months later.
"Hey, what are you thinking about?" Addison asked quietly as she lay tangled in her bed sheets with Sam one morning.
"Hmm?" he said looking to her.
"You're thinking" she said stroking his cheek a little "What are you thinking about?"
"It's just, it's been a year" he said softly "Since you, it's been, a year, a year today"
"Yeah" Addison breathed "It has, you know I'm ok now though right?" Addison asked.
"I do" he smiled "I guess that makes tomorrow our official anniversary huh?"
"Yeah, I guess it does" Addison smiled "We should do something"
"Hmm" he sighed "Dinner? Somewhere fancy, so you can dress up"
"Sounds nice" Addison said softly "Y'know what else we could do?"
"What?" Sam asked kissing her softly.
"We could maybe, think about, moving in together, permanently"
"Really?" he asked with a smile.
"Well we pretty much do anyway" Addison said with a shrug "It's just, what's the point in us having 2 houses? Most of your clothes are here, we spend pretty much every night, here, your house is just, collecting dust, I mean I'm not saying you have to move in here, I could move in with you and sell this place"
"No, no I, I like it here, it's, I like it here" he smiled "But maybe, maybe we could sell both houses, start somewhere completely new, still on the beach, maybe a little bigger, a master bedroom for us….."
"With a walk in closet, a proper one" Addison smiled.
"With a walk in closet" Sam said with a laugh "A room for Maya, and a couple of rooms for, our kids"
"Our kids" Addison said raising her eyebrow a little.
"You still want kids right?" he asked softly.
"Yeah but, it's just, not possible" she sighed.
"Well I better get on the phone to some adoption agencies to prove you wrong then" Sam said with a slight laugh "We're going to have a family Addison, we are, ok?"
"Ok" Addison smiled "Ok" she whispered kissing him softly "I love you" she said softly.
"I love you too" Sam said kissing her again, they lay together, Sam's fingers softly brushing against Addison's skin, neither of them even attempting to move and prepare for the day, simply basking in the comfort of each other.
~x~ ~x~ ~x~