Chapter 3

Shepard stood staring glumly at the dress she was supposed to be wearing for her wedding while Miranda primped in the mirror and Jack grinned.

"Man up Shepard. If I have to wear one you do too. And I didn't promise my boyfriend that I would. I hope you realise just what I'm doing for you. But one smart comment from anyone and there will be blood." Jack warned.

"I don't know how you talked me into such a ridiculous dress Miranda. It has nowhere to put even a pistol." Shepard turned to face her supposed bridesmaids. She still hadn't quite forgiven Jack for the stunt she'd pulled with the drinks.

Miranda turned away from the mirror where she was busily checking out her reflection. "I've already told you a million times Shepard. You don't need guns at your wedding."

"I like to be prepared Miranda. I feel naked without my weapons. Besides with Chambers you just never know."

"Relax Shepard. You can always change back to your armour afterwards. I plan on getting out of this dress as soon as possible." Jack sat on the lounge and helped herself to a biscuit from a plate on the table.

Miranda had turned back to the mirror. "The dress is lovely Shepard, although I'm still not sure about this one. Do you think it makes my ass look big?"

Shepard smothered a grin as Jack choked on her biscuit. "You picked the damn things, cheerleader. Why worry anyway? Your ass looks big in everything."

Miranda glared at Jack before picking out a selection of make-up and walking over to Shepard. "Sit Shepard. It's time you started getting ready."

Jack leaned back comfortably, watching as Miranda fussed with Shepard's hair and make-up.

"Shepard, you never did tell us exactly how Alenko proposed."

"And I don't intend to. I'm not giving you any more ammunition, Jack." Shepard said firmly.

"So it was something really embarrassing huh? Did he get naked and let you find the ring on his…"

"Jack!" Miranda interrupted her.

"Oh for fucks sake. How can I term it so it doesn't upset the virgin cheerleader?" Jack glanced at Miranda before resuming her conversation with Shepard. "Did he let you find the ring on his you know?"

Shepard gave Jack a long stare before giggling. "Well his 'you know' is a bit big for a ring. I can just imagine the stir that would have caused when we had to call Garrus to cut the ring off before bits started dropping off."

"I would have paid to see that. Garrus' reaction to that little job would have been worth it, not to mention your boyfriend's reaction. But I still want to know."

"How do you know he proposed, Jack? Maybe I did."

"Now you're talking. Did you have him spinning in a singularity till he said yes? I bet biotics were involved somehow.

Shepard blushed and looked to Miranda for help as she muttered "something like that" under her breath.

"That's enough Jack. I need to finish Shepard's make-up and I can't do that while she's talking. Why don't you grab the underwear I bought for Shepard out of that bag so she can get dressed once I've finished here." Miranda pointed to a bag on the bed before turning back to put the finishing touches on the make-up she'd insisted Shepard wear.

"What the f…" Jack began to giggle as she pulled Shepard's new underwear out of the bag and examined it. Shepard turned to look, her mouth dropping as she saw what was in Jack's hand.

"What the hell is that supposed to be Miranda?" Shepard pointed to the underwear in Jack's hand.

"It's underwear Shepard. You do wear it don't you?"

"Oh I wear underwear Miranda but I don't wear bits of string in place of it. I am not wearing that." Shepard's face took on a look of determination.

"Alenko will love it Shepard. Just put it on."

"Then Alenko can wear it. It's bad enough that I have to wear a dress and let you talk me into make-up. I thought you were supposed to know everything about me, so you should know I am not wearing it and that's final."

Miranda sighed. From the look on Shepard's face she knew she was fighting a losing battle.

Kaidan watched as Shepard came down the aisle towards him. He couldn't believe it was finally happening. Beside him Joker stirred restlessly, then leaned towards him whispering, "How'd you get her to wear a dress?" Kaidan smiled at that. She had kept her promise. True, it wasn't a traditional wedding dress, but that didn't matter to him. And he was even more amazed by the fact that she'd talked Jack into wearing one. He smiled reassuringly at her as she stopped beside him, noticing that she looked nervous and self conscious. For once her poker face had deserted her.

"I'd rather be facing a pit full of mercs." She muttered under her breath.

"Just remember Shepard, this was your idea," he murmured, taking her hand. "You look beautiful, by the way."

She rolled her eyes at him as the celebrant began speaking. As the ceremony progressed, Kaidan began to feel a sense of hope. We're actually going to get through it without a hitch! However, he hadn't counted on Jack.

"Do you Mary Sue Shepard take Kaidan Alenko as your lawful wedded husband?"

Shepard had no time to answer.

"What the fuck! Mary Sue?" Jack yelled at the top of her voice then started laughing loudly.

"Why do you think we all just call her Shepard?" Joker asked before he too started laughing.

Shepard glared at them both, but even that didn't deter them. Kaidan placed a hand on her shoulder and murmured calming words. "Ignore them Shepard. This is our wedding. You're supposed to be happy, remember?"

The celebrant stood mutely for a moment, unsure of how to proceed before clearing his throat and trying to restore order.

"I know a wedding is a happy occasion but please refrain from," … ahem, "celebrating this happy occasion until after the ceremony." He shook his head. This was a most unconventional ceremony. He'd never conducted a wedding ceremony where the guests were all laughing hysterically while the bride swore profusely.

Kaidan breathed a sigh of relief as they were finally pronounced man and wife. Jack's interruption had been a small thing in comparison to what he'd expected to happen. Normal everyday things were never predictable around Shepard.

Having already lost a couple of days of what was to be their honeymoon, thanks largely to Jack, they had decided to forego a traditional reception with the crew. Kaidan had booked a room under an assumed name hoping to get some privacy for the couple of days they had left. Shepard had gone to her cabin, presumably to get her things and they were leaviing as soon as she returned. He looked up to see her exit the elevator wearing her armour as she came towards him.

"Any reason you changed into your armour and washed the make-up off?"

"C'mon Kaidan. There is no way I'm walking through the Citadel in that get up. It would have been a dead give-away to any reporters hanging around. As for the make-up, that was Miranda's idea. Personally I couldn't wait to get that gunk off my face. My promise only included wearing a dress for the wedding."

"Let's get out of here. Our five days of shore leave has been whittled down to two, and it will be a while before we get any privacy from this lot again." He steered her towards the airlock while the majority of the crew were all discussing where they were going to celebrate.

Kaidan breathed a sigh of relief when they finally made it to their room without further incidents. Our luck seems to be changing. He took off his jacket and relieved Shepard of the small bag she was carrying.

"You didn't bring much." He eyed the bag in his hand, testing its weight as he walked over to put it on the bed.

"Well its only two nights, and I didn't think you were planning to get out of the room." Shepard followed him and started to remove her armour. "I threw a robe in the bag, would you get it out for me, please?"

Kaidan opened the bag and looked at the contents in amazement. "Shepard, what's this?" He asked pulling out skimpy lingerie and a diaphanous nightgown.

She looked up and dropping the piece of armour that she's just removed, grabbed the lingerie out of his hands before rummaging in the bag. The things she'd packed were nowhere to be seen.

"Damn! Remind me to kick Miranda up the ass next time we see her."

"I think you're going to need a bigger boot Shepard." He grinned at her as she shoved the lingerie back in the bag.

"I need a drink."

Kaidan walked over to a bottle standing in the cooler near the lounge. "Champagne?" He held the bottle up.

"Are you trying to be funny, Alenko? After the other night I am never drinking alcohol again. I'll just have water or juice. I think I can trust you not to spike it." She had finished removing her armour and walked over to the lounge in the exercise shorts and shirt she wore underneath.

"Well technically you're Alenko now too." He grinned, handing her a glass.

"That's right I am aren't I? To be honest I never thought it was going to happen."

"I know what you mean. At one point I thought you might have been spending our wedding night in jail."

"It's lucky for us that no-one believed al-Jilani's story, but it still means we lost three days. We need to make up for that."

He took the glass from her hand, placing it on the table with his own. "Is that a hint Shepard?" He picked her up and carried her to the bed.

A while later Shepard sat up and looked around for her glass.

"We left our drinks over on the table." Kaidan reminded her.

"I'll get them." Shepard rolled off the bed and headed over to their drinks.

Kaidan watched her for a moment with a puzzled look on his face. "Shepard what the hell is that on your ass, and who is Aidan Kalenko?"

"What do you mean? I think you've had too much to drink. Better slow down if you want to make this night memorable."

"But Shepard…"

Shepard interrupted, "Jack and Joker were going on about Aidan Kalenko too. Must be some in joke cooked up between the two of them. We're going to have to keep them separated as much as possible you know. They are bad enough on their own but together they wreak havoc. As for my ass, I think I must have fallen down. Dr. Chakwas said it was a bit pink." She handed him his drink as she took a sip of her water.

"A bit pink!" Kaidan exclaimed. "Its neon pink Shepard. It probably glows in the dark!" He gulped champagne, a bemused look on his face.

"You've definitely had too much to drink. Since when have bruises been neon pink?"

"Shepard, it's not a bruise. You have a tattoo on your ass. A bright pink tattoo!"

She walked over to the mirror, craning her neck, a look of horror coming over her face as she saw her butt. "Jack! I'll kill her."

Kaidan stood and came over to her. "Don't worry about it now. Come back over here." He tried to pull her into his arms.

Shepard pushed him away, swearing profusely. ""I'm sorry Kaidan but I can't even think about doing anything now that I know that monstrosity is there."

"But Shepard, it's our wedding night. Remember?" he said in a plaintive tone. "We are both standing here naked on what is supposed to be our wedding night and you are worrying about something that you can't do anything about for the moment." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, resigned to the fact that once again his wedding night was not going to go as planned. With the way things were going he was lucky they'd actually ended up married.

"Let me put it as succinctly as I can Kaidan. It's fucking pink! I can't believe you expect me to feel amorous when I know it's there."

"Well there's nothing we can do about it now. We only have two nights Shepard. Two!" So much for my earlier thought about our luck changing.

He watched as she walked over to her clothes and began to get dressed.

"Shepard, what are you doing?" He followed her and wrapped his arms around her.

"I'm going to find Chakwas and get her to get rid of this pink monstrosity."

"Come to bed. You can't even see it anyway. And if that's all that's worrying you, I'll turn off the lights."

"You're the one who said it would glow in the dark. I refuse to have anything that's bright pink anywhere near my body!" She pulled herself free of his arms and started to dress.

"Let me get this straight. You are more upset by the fact that it's pink than by the fact that it says Aidan Kalenko?" He was beginning to feel very frustrated now.

"Let me repeat Kaidan. It's fucking pink." She was fuming now, snapping her armour into place angrily.

"This pink thing you have, don't you think it's a bit, oh I don't know….mental?" He asked angrily reaching for his own clothes.

"I have to be mental to put up with that bunch of imbeciles I call a squad. I just hope Chakwas hasn't had too much brandy."

The trip back to the Normandy was uneventful. Kaidan was thankful that they didn't run into anyone. Although one look at Shepard's face would have served as a warning to stay out of her way. He really wishing that he hadn't mentioned the damn tattoo and just ignored it like everyone else who knew about it apparently had.

To his surprise Shepard headed straight to the armoury instead of the medbay. His surprise gave way to concern however when she reached for her rocket launcher. He knew immediately who her intended target would be.

"Shepard put the rocket launcher down. Haven't you caused enough damage with that thing already? Besides, you can't shoot Jack, as appealing as that idea sounds right now."

"I'll just wing her a bit. Right in the ass. Consider it a bride's gift to her bridesmaid." She hoisted the weapon and reached for ammunition.

"You'll do more than wing her ass with that. She's not Miranda." He grabbed the rocket launcher out of her hands. The sooner he got her to Dr Chakwas the sooner this farcical honeymoon could finally take place.

"What are you thinking, taking such close notice of Miranda's ass anyway?" She eyed him narrowly.

"Well it's not like anyone can miss it, Shepard. It's almost like an extra squad member."

"Yeah, you have a point there. Let's go find Chakwas if you won't let me kill Jack." She grabbed his hand, pulling him with her as she made her way to the medbay.

Luckily Dr. Chakwas was in the medbay. Shepard eyed the bottle of brandy on her desk, noting with relief that it was still more than half full.

Dr Chakwas stood up in surprise as they entered. "Shepard, Alenko? What are you two doing here?"

Shepard began removing her armour. "I'll give you a clue Dr. Chakwas. What's bright pink and on my ass that my so called friends didn't bother to tell me about?"

"You're here because of the tattoo? Don't you two have better things to be thinking about tonight?"

"Apparently anything pink is an instant turn-off where Shepard is concerned, Doc," Kaidan said morosely as he sat down at her desk and helped himself to a glass of her brandy.

"Please tell me you don't really want it removed right now, Shepard?" Dr Chakwas shook her head as she walked over to Shepard, who was now laying face down on one of the beds with her ass exposed.

Shepard propped herself up on one elbow and looked Dr Chakwas in the eye. "That's exactly what I want Doc, and we are not leaving until it's gone."

"Shepard, you've had a big day. You're tired and emotional. Why don't we get rid of it when you finish your shore leave?"

Shepard shook her head. "I'm not tired. I haven't done anything that's even worked up a sweat today."

"I can vouch for that," Kaidan muttered under his breath.

"What do you expect me to do, Shepard?" Dr Chakwas said, throwing Kaidan a look of commiseration.

"Can't you use that machine that I spent all those damn resources on? Not that I ended up needing it because I'm too nice for my own good. I'm a bloody saint."

Chakwas looked at her in disbelief accompanied by choking noises from Kaidan. "Shepard there are many terms I've heard, both complimentary and not, in relation to you, but I don't think 'saint' was ever one of them."

"The fact that I haven't killed anyone or even seriously maimed them over this whole debacle shows that I am indeed a saint. I still haven't forgiven you for not telling me about this damn tattoo and removing it when you had me here a few days ago, Doctor."

"You can't blame everyone for being scared of how you'd react Shepard, saint or not. You can be somewhat unpredictable." Kaidan was trying hard not to incur her wrath by laughing. The brandy he was drinking was making the whole situation more ridiculous by the minute.

"Don't think I don't know that you are laughing at me Kaidan. You are going to have to do some serious sucking up to your wife when we get out of here."

"Me? You're the one who dragged us here because the damn thing was pink. If I had my way I'd be enjoying…" He stopped suddenly remembering Dr Chakwas' presence in the room. "Well never mind what I would have been enjoying," he finished, blushing.

Dr Chakwas looked at him in amusement. "Never mind that now. Let's see what I can do to ensure that you and Saint Shepard, or Saint Alenko if you prefer, can get back to your enjoyment of…whatever."

It took a couple of hours but Dr Chakwas finally announced that the tattoo was gone, although Shepard refused to take her word for it and demanded a mirror. After surveying her now tattoo-less behind, she smiled and put on her armour before beckoning to Kaidan who sat slumped in the Doctor's chair.

"Now that's done, let's get back to that enjoyment you spoke of earlier."

Kaidan looked at her as he finished the last of the brandy in his glass before he stood up.

"I'm sorry Dr. Chakwas, I seem to have drunk your bottle of brandy. I will get you another one."

Dr. Chakwas walked over and placed a hand on his shoulder. "That's ok Kaidan. You needed it far more than I did tonight."

Kaidan sighed, nodding to Dr Chakwas as they left the medbay. He had a feeling that he was going to be doing a lot of sighing for the rest of his life with Shepard. If anyone is going to come out of this with sainthood, it definitely deserves to be me.

When Shepard and Kaidan returned to the Normandy two days later they found themselves greeted by a banner featuring a picture of Shepard's butt tattoo and the words 'Welcome back Mr. and Mrs. Aidan Kalenko.' Kaidan still hadn't forgiven Jack for the trauma that damned tattoo had caused him but he was beginning to see the funny side of it.

"Well now you know what it feels like, Mary Sue. At least I'm not the only one who's been shot in the ass and the butt of everyone's jokes. Something else we have in common," He said in an amused voice.

"Kaidan, call me Mary Sue again and it will be instant divorce," Shepard replied as she ripped the poster down. "Jack and Joker are at the top of my hit list for this."

"Only been married two days and you're threatening to get rid of me already," Kaidan said mournfully.

"I wonder if I can find Aidan Kalenko. I'm sure he's much nicer than you are."

"Probably has a better ass too," He quipped, grinning at her.

"C'mon Kaidan. I don't think that's even possible. Although I suppose we could always run another Normandy poll, just to be sure."

"Is that safe with Chambers on the ship?"

"Good point. I don't think I want her thinking about your ass anymore than she does already."

"That is a very disturbing thought and one that I really don't want to pursue."

"Well lucky for you there's no time for that now. We have to stow our gear and run the gauntlet of the smartass remarks before we can get off the Citadel." Shepard headed towards the elevator still clutching the poster, already planning revenge on Jack.